Should I tell my live in boyfriend to move out now or wait until quarantine is over?

[TexanGal28]

5 minutes ago, basil67 said:

So on top of him blaming you for not pushing him, he's now giving himself a pity party?     None of this bodes well for any kind of future....and if anything, I think his behaviour now will make you lose even more respect for him.

 

I’ve gotten used to these kind of statements from him. He’s said them before too when he gets really defensive with me. I think it’s a symptom of his depression. But I don’t know how to cure depression. I’ve tried talking to him but like I said, he gets very defensive and loud, and blames the world for his problems. I always just end up crying because it’s all too much for me.

[basil67]

To be honest, this kind of behaviour isn't something you should get used to.  Rather, it should be a dealbreaker.   And no, this ISN'T part of depression.  It's a sign that he would rather blame others than take responsibility for things himself.

[Ellener]

1 hour ago, TexanGal28 said:

I always just end up crying because it’s all too much for me.

You sound depressed yourself. How are you coping with everything that's happening in the world right now, on top of your relationship problems coming to a head?

 

[TexanGal28]

1 hour ago, Ellener said:

You sound depressed yourself. How are you coping with everything that's happening in the world right now, on top of your relationship problems coming to a head?

 

I am a bit depressed. Not too bad though. My biggest concern about my own life is that I don't have many friends and that's why I found this forum because I needed the advice. I have many people that I know but no deep friendships. My closest friends are co-workers and even though they've been very supportive throughout this process, I am afraid of driving them away by burdening them with my life events.

With this seperation, I'm going to focus on getting my own hobbies and following my own interests, even if I need to do them alone. I need to focus on making myself happy.

[Ellener]

4 hours ago, TexanGal28 said:

I need to focus on making myself happy.

That's a really good goal.

I'm keeping myself occupied with long ( miles and miles ) walks with my pup, little 'picnics' along the way and a 'one day at a time' strategy. 'One hour at a time' some days. Living in a stressful environment, in stressful times, self-care is essential.

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((( ))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

 

[S2B]

Ya know... you aren’t his Mommy! He sure acts like a 4 year old! No wonder he doesn’t get anything accomplished - he thinks it’s everyone else’s responsibility to do things for him that HE should be doing for himself!!!

you can’t FORCE him to grow up! He is VERY immature.

and I don’t see why you would want to play his Mommy role for your lifetime with him.

if he keeps showing that attitude - you need to have him leave sooner! Like ASAP!

he can go to his parents house.

[preraph]

Yeah. He's not depressed. He's immature and still making other people responsible for him. He's not a man. He's a overgrown toddler. He thinks he can treat you any old way because you're like his mommy now. And Mommy's love you no matter what and let you do whatever. 

 

This guy is not going to mature into anything you want to be with if he ever matures at all. I think almost any other man would be an improvement over this one who blames you for everything, doesn't  take any responsibility for his own life, and then acts abusive. 

 

going forward please remember that if you have a very giving nature as it sounds like you do, instead of that helping you bag a really good guy, it's just as likely to attract really irresponsible dependent ones to you. Please stop giving more than you're getting back.

[S2B]

13 hours ago, TexanGal28 said:

I am a bit depressed. Not too bad though. My biggest concern about my own life is that I don't have many friends and that's why I found this forum because I needed the advice. I have many people that I know but no deep friendships. My closest friends are co-workers and even though they've been very supportive throughout this process, I am afraid of driving them away by burdening them with my life events.

With this seperation, I'm going to focus on getting my own hobbies and following my own interests, even if I need to do them alone. I need to focus on making myself happy.

Pretend like he’s not there.

its MUCH harder to be happy in your own space with someone there that’s a negative impact. 
 

id make a commitment to yourself to interact as little as possible since he’s not being kind, loving and appreciative!

did he pay his April rent yet?

[K.K.]

17 hours ago, TexanGal28 said:

He did say "Im sorry," but the sentence went like this: "Im sorry that Im such a piece of s*** that I can't get my life together and that I'm such a let down for everyone."

Ugh.

 

Emotional vampire. 

Just agree with him - ”I’m sorry that you’re a piece of sh*t too! Get out, Saddy McSad and take your piss poor attitude with you 😃 !”

 

[S2B]

He’s certainly not make you motivated to have him around for the next month. 

[TexanGal28]

4 hours ago, S2B said:

Pretend like he’s not there.

its MUCH harder to be happy in your own space with someone there that’s a negative impact. 
 

id make a commitment to yourself to interact as little as possible since he’s not being kind, loving and appreciative!

did he pay his April rent yet?

He pays rent weekly on Fridays. And yeah, I already planned on having little communication with him. I don't like the way he talks to me and how he puts blame on things. Thank you for the input!

[TexanGal28]

1 hour ago, S2B said:

He’s certainly not make you motivated to have him around for the next month. 

Oh no, he is not. I have given him until April 30th to move out. He was making excuses and I told him its up to him to figure out where he goes and how he's going to get to work if its his parents (parents live 45 minutes away).

[TexanGal28]

2 hours ago, K.K. said:

Emotional vampire. 

Just agree with him - ”I’m sorry that you’re a piece of sh*t too! Get out, Saddy McSad and take your piss poor attitude with you 😃 !”

 

LOL!!! If I said that, he would have broken down in tears xD

I don't hate the guy. He just didn't hold up his end of the arrangement is all.

[TexanGal28]

4 hours ago, preraph said:

Yeah. He's not depressed. He's immature and still making other people responsible for him. He's not a man. He's a overgrown toddler. He thinks he can treat you any old way because you're like his mommy now. And Mommy's love you no matter what and let you do whatever. 

 

This guy is not going to mature into anything you want to be with if he ever matures at all. I think almost any other man would be an improvement over this one who blames you for everything, doesn't  take any responsibility for his own life, and then acts abusive. 

 

going forward please remember that if you have a very giving nature as it sounds like you do, instead of that helping you bag a really good guy, it's just as likely to attract really irresponsible dependent ones to you. Please stop giving more than you're getting back.

I have a much more clear list of my dealbreakers and I am not going to settle for anything less than what I care about. I have also discovered that I keep making excuses for these guys and I always end up disappointed. Luckily, moving forward, I am determined to not date a man that doesn't hold up. I used to date thinking I could "fix" them but nope, I have learned my lesson.

[preraph]

Men get really defense if you try to fix them. You've got to make it your goal to find one you already like as is. Because really most of them just resent anyone tried to change them. There's a million guys in the world so there's no reason to keep one who needs that much fixing. 

[basil67]

And to be fair, women don't like being 'fixed' either

Edited April 3, 2020 by basil67

[preraph]

They don't like it but I've known quite a few who bent to their man's will. Men just don't like being bossed around at all by a woman. 

[Juha]

I am wondering if he has ever recovered mentally from that accident?  It does not sound like he has.

It seems he has stagnated since the accident.  Depression, PTSD, etc all are major issues when involved in anything life changing incident.

I wonder has he ever gotten help, therapy for the accident?  It seems he is stuck in one spot and I bet he dwells on the accident and how different/better his life would be if

it never happened.

 

I am speaking from experience with this.  I know you are frustrated, you love him, care about him but that is not enough

You have told him multiple times you are not happy, he knows it but seems he is stuck and does not know how to get out of the rut.

The fish are his outlet, the only one.  I am guessing that is his therapy and gives him whatever motivation he has.

 

He needs some help, if you love and care for him like you say you do please try to convince him to get some.

He is just wasting his and your life away...

 

I wish you the best

[basil67]

3 hours ago, preraph said:

They don't like it but I've known quite a few who bent to their man's will. Men just don't like being bossed around at all by a woman. 

Just as I know quite a number of men who've bent to the will of a woman.   I don't know if it's a global sign, but here we stick our thumbs on our foreheads when mocking a guy who's "under the thumb".    Rather than gender, I think it's a human thing where some are more willing to be changed than others.

Anyway, back to topic

[TexanGal28]

2 hours ago, Juha said:

I am wondering if he has ever recovered mentally from that accident?  It does not sound like he has.

It seems he has stagnated since the accident.  Depression, PTSD, etc all are major issues when involved in anything life changing incident.

I wonder has he ever gotten help, therapy for the accident?  It seems he is stuck in one spot and I bet he dwells on the accident and how different/better his life would be if

it never happened.

 

I am speaking from experience with this.  I know you are frustrated, you love him, care about him but that is not enough

You have told him multiple times you are not happy, he knows it but seems he is stuck and does not know how to get out of the rut.

The fish are his outlet, the only one.  I am guessing that is his therapy and gives him whatever motivation he has.

 

He needs some help, if you love and care for him like you say you do please try to convince him to get some.

He is just wasting his and your life away...

 

I wish you the best

oh wow actually I bet you are right! He loves that fish tank so much. I have never seen anyone get so obsessed with it. We’ve got 3 dogs as well and I kid you not, he takes more care of those fish than he does of the dogs. 
 

Also, he is still damaged from the accident. Not physically but mentally. He sustained some memory loss issues that make him forget things. It’s not so bad though. It’s like, if you and I go to the grocery store and forget what we need at home. We’d make a list beforehand and use that to help us. With him, that type of thing happens more often. He’s also very scatter brained in general. And he likes to bring up his memory loss every time I try to talk to him about a particular issue that’s been bothering me. Sometimes, it feels like he’s using it as an excuse  I’m not saying he is, but it feels like it to me. 
 

Last night, he started applying for classes at WGU and was doing transcript stuff today. Today was definitely better. He wasn’t as mad as he’s been and we actually shared some laughs. We’ll see how all of this turns out.

 

Edited April 3, 2020 by TexanGal28

[Emilie Jolie]

1 hour ago, TexanGal28 said:

Sometimes, it feels like he’s using it as an excuse  I’m not saying he is, but it feels like it to me. 

Even if he is using at as an excuse, it sounds like he hasn't dealt with it at all. An accident that involves a memory loss suggests at least post-traumatic amnesia. It seems you met shortly after that. Do you know if he had any form of therapy for it?

These next few weeks shouldn't be about reconnecting and filling out application forms; he'll use all the tricks in the book to lull you back into changing your mind about the move. Not because he's evil; he just won't want to leave his safety blanket.

If you're serious about a clean slate, you either need zero contact until he leaves, or you need to have a discussion about the underlying issues rooted in his behaviour (eg why he is always defensive) not about 'reviving the flames'. Whether he's depressed or a loser is besides the point; he just needs to step up for real. I feel like any 'changes' made before April 30 will be cosmetic. 

You want to show him that you mean business while empathising with his position.

 

[basil67]

3 hours ago, TexanGal28 said:

oh wow actually I bet you are right! He loves that fish tank so much. I have never seen anyone get so obsessed with it. We’ve got 3 dogs as well and I kid you not, he takes more care of those fish than he does of the dogs. 
 

Also, he is still damaged from the accident. Not physically but mentally. He sustained some memory loss issues that make him forget things. It’s not so bad though. It’s like, if you and I go to the grocery store and forget what we need at home. We’d make a list beforehand and use that to help us. With him, that type of thing happens more often. He’s also very scatter brained in general. And he likes to bring up his memory loss every time I try to talk to him about a particular issue that’s been bothering me. Sometimes, it feels like he’s using it as an excuse  I’m not saying he is, but it feels like it to me. 

Hon, you're sounding a lot like my best friend who's recently separated from her husband who has a brain injury (and mental illness).   He also does the "sorry, I'm so useless" talk as well.  She loved him, but could not live with him.  I don't know if this is the same, but it turned out that he couldn't remember what she needed or relationship discussions that they'd had.  Meanwhile, she felt like he was gaslighting her.   He was a good guy, but too messed up because of the brain damage.

Also, apologies for saying that you were pushing him into college.  I didn't realise he was telling you that he wanted to do it

Happy to talk on PM if you want.

Edited April 3, 2020 by basil67

[TexanGal28]

4 hours ago, Emilie Jolie said:

Even if he is using at as an excuse, it sounds like he hasn't dealt with it at all. An accident that involves a memory loss suggests at least post-traumatic amnesia. It seems you met shortly after that. Do you know if he had any form of therapy for it?

These next few weeks shouldn't be about reconnecting and filling out application forms; he'll use all the tricks in the book to lull you back into changing your mind about the move. Not because he's evil; he just won't want to leave his safety blanket.

If you're serious about a clean slate, you either need zero contact until he leaves, or you need to have a discussion about the underlying issues rooted in his behaviour (eg why he is always defensive) not about 'reviving the flames'. Whether he's depressed or a loser is besides the point; he just needs to step up for real. I feel like any 'changes' made before April 30 will be cosmetic. 

You want to show him that you mean business while empathising with his position.

 

We met probably 5 to 7 years after his accident. He had physical therapy for a long time but I guess they didn't know about the memory loss? He doesn't discuss the accident with me unless we're already arguing and then he brings it up. 

I would like to try to talk to him about seeing a counselor or psychiatrist but I'm scared he'll get angry at the whole conversation. Or he just brushes it off like "no I'm fine." And I haven't seen the memory loss affect him in his day to day life enough to be worried.

And, I also completely agree that  any thing he does before moving out (and even shortly after) is going to feel "fake" to me too. Like he's only doing it to get back with me. 

That's why I'm not going to back down from this seperation. My mind is made up. We can't live together. But I am willing to help him in whatever way I can.

[preraph]

I hate to throw a wet towel on this, but if he had a brain injury, that is likely going to get worse, not improve.  It can turn someone into a different person.  One of my best friend's husband had a couple of accidents and did nothing about it and just degenerated into someone she didn't know because of his brain injury.  

 

I am telling you, this is above your pay grade and beyond your control.  This is a great time to get out.  Therapy isn't going to cure damage to the brain.  

[Emilie Jolie]

1 hour ago, TexanGal28 said:

I would like to try to talk to him about seeing a counselor or psychiatrist but I'm scared he'll get angry at the whole conversation. Or he just brushes it off like "no I'm fine."

These are not easy conversations to have, but you have earned the right to ask why his behaviour is so out of line.

What solutions has he come up with himself to get the situation sorted? I appreciate that you don't want to break up, but this decision to separate has to come with conditions attached as well as clearly defined boundaries until April 30. This can't be a one-way system. He needs to be proactive not just to keep you in his life, but for his own good too.