Should I tell my live in boyfriend to move out now or wait until quarantine is over?

[TexanGal28]

4 hours ago, S2B said:

Pretend like he’s not there.

its MUCH harder to be happy in your own space with someone there that’s a negative impact. 
 

id make a commitment to yourself to interact as little as possible since he’s not being kind, loving and appreciative!

did he pay his April rent yet?

He pays rent weekly on Fridays. And yeah, I already planned on having little communication with him. I don't like the way he talks to me and how he puts blame on things. Thank you for the input!

[TexanGal28]

1 hour ago, S2B said:

He’s certainly not make you motivated to have him around for the next month. 

Oh no, he is not. I have given him until April 30th to move out. He was making excuses and I told him its up to him to figure out where he goes and how he's going to get to work if its his parents (parents live 45 minutes away).

[TexanGal28]

2 hours ago, K.K. said:

Emotional vampire. 

Just agree with him - ”I’m sorry that you’re a piece of sh*t too! Get out, Saddy McSad and take your piss poor attitude with you 😃 !”

 

LOL!!! If I said that, he would have broken down in tears xD

I don't hate the guy. He just didn't hold up his end of the arrangement is all.

[TexanGal28]

4 hours ago, preraph said:

Yeah. He's not depressed. He's immature and still making other people responsible for him. He's not a man. He's a overgrown toddler. He thinks he can treat you any old way because you're like his mommy now. And Mommy's love you no matter what and let you do whatever. 

 

This guy is not going to mature into anything you want to be with if he ever matures at all. I think almost any other man would be an improvement over this one who blames you for everything, doesn't  take any responsibility for his own life, and then acts abusive. 

 

going forward please remember that if you have a very giving nature as it sounds like you do, instead of that helping you bag a really good guy, it's just as likely to attract really irresponsible dependent ones to you. Please stop giving more than you're getting back.

I have a much more clear list of my dealbreakers and I am not going to settle for anything less than what I care about. I have also discovered that I keep making excuses for these guys and I always end up disappointed. Luckily, moving forward, I am determined to not date a man that doesn't hold up. I used to date thinking I could "fix" them but nope, I have learned my lesson.

[preraph]

Men get really defense if you try to fix them. You've got to make it your goal to find one you already like as is. Because really most of them just resent anyone tried to change them. There's a million guys in the world so there's no reason to keep one who needs that much fixing. 

[basil67]

And to be fair, women don't like being 'fixed' either

Edited April 3, 2020 by basil67

[preraph]

They don't like it but I've known quite a few who bent to their man's will. Men just don't like being bossed around at all by a woman. 

[Juha]

I am wondering if he has ever recovered mentally from that accident?  It does not sound like he has.

It seems he has stagnated since the accident.  Depression, PTSD, etc all are major issues when involved in anything life changing incident.

I wonder has he ever gotten help, therapy for the accident?  It seems he is stuck in one spot and I bet he dwells on the accident and how different/better his life would be if

it never happened.

 

I am speaking from experience with this.  I know you are frustrated, you love him, care about him but that is not enough

You have told him multiple times you are not happy, he knows it but seems he is stuck and does not know how to get out of the rut.

The fish are his outlet, the only one.  I am guessing that is his therapy and gives him whatever motivation he has.

 

He needs some help, if you love and care for him like you say you do please try to convince him to get some.

He is just wasting his and your life away...

 

I wish you the best

[basil67]

3 hours ago, preraph said:

They don't like it but I've known quite a few who bent to their man's will. Men just don't like being bossed around at all by a woman. 

Just as I know quite a number of men who've bent to the will of a woman.   I don't know if it's a global sign, but here we stick our thumbs on our foreheads when mocking a guy who's "under the thumb".    Rather than gender, I think it's a human thing where some are more willing to be changed than others.

Anyway, back to topic

[TexanGal28]

2 hours ago, Juha said:

I am wondering if he has ever recovered mentally from that accident?  It does not sound like he has.

It seems he has stagnated since the accident.  Depression, PTSD, etc all are major issues when involved in anything life changing incident.

I wonder has he ever gotten help, therapy for the accident?  It seems he is stuck in one spot and I bet he dwells on the accident and how different/better his life would be if

it never happened.

 

I am speaking from experience with this.  I know you are frustrated, you love him, care about him but that is not enough

You have told him multiple times you are not happy, he knows it but seems he is stuck and does not know how to get out of the rut.

The fish are his outlet, the only one.  I am guessing that is his therapy and gives him whatever motivation he has.

 

He needs some help, if you love and care for him like you say you do please try to convince him to get some.

He is just wasting his and your life away...

 

I wish you the best

oh wow actually I bet you are right! He loves that fish tank so much. I have never seen anyone get so obsessed with it. We’ve got 3 dogs as well and I kid you not, he takes more care of those fish than he does of the dogs. 
 

Also, he is still damaged from the accident. Not physically but mentally. He sustained some memory loss issues that make him forget things. It’s not so bad though. It’s like, if you and I go to the grocery store and forget what we need at home. We’d make a list beforehand and use that to help us. With him, that type of thing happens more often. He’s also very scatter brained in general. And he likes to bring up his memory loss every time I try to talk to him about a particular issue that’s been bothering me. Sometimes, it feels like he’s using it as an excuse  I’m not saying he is, but it feels like it to me. 
 

Last night, he started applying for classes at WGU and was doing transcript stuff today. Today was definitely better. He wasn’t as mad as he’s been and we actually shared some laughs. We’ll see how all of this turns out.

 

Edited April 3, 2020 by TexanGal28

[Emilie Jolie]

1 hour ago, TexanGal28 said:

Sometimes, it feels like he’s using it as an excuse  I’m not saying he is, but it feels like it to me. 

Even if he is using at as an excuse, it sounds like he hasn't dealt with it at all. An accident that involves a memory loss suggests at least post-traumatic amnesia. It seems you met shortly after that. Do you know if he had any form of therapy for it?

These next few weeks shouldn't be about reconnecting and filling out application forms; he'll use all the tricks in the book to lull you back into changing your mind about the move. Not because he's evil; he just won't want to leave his safety blanket.

If you're serious about a clean slate, you either need zero contact until he leaves, or you need to have a discussion about the underlying issues rooted in his behaviour (eg why he is always defensive) not about 'reviving the flames'. Whether he's depressed or a loser is besides the point; he just needs to step up for real. I feel like any 'changes' made before April 30 will be cosmetic. 

You want to show him that you mean business while empathising with his position.

 

[basil67]

3 hours ago, TexanGal28 said:

oh wow actually I bet you are right! He loves that fish tank so much. I have never seen anyone get so obsessed with it. We’ve got 3 dogs as well and I kid you not, he takes more care of those fish than he does of the dogs. 
 

Also, he is still damaged from the accident. Not physically but mentally. He sustained some memory loss issues that make him forget things. It’s not so bad though. It’s like, if you and I go to the grocery store and forget what we need at home. We’d make a list beforehand and use that to help us. With him, that type of thing happens more often. He’s also very scatter brained in general. And he likes to bring up his memory loss every time I try to talk to him about a particular issue that’s been bothering me. Sometimes, it feels like he’s using it as an excuse  I’m not saying he is, but it feels like it to me. 

Hon, you're sounding a lot like my best friend who's recently separated from her husband who has a brain injury (and mental illness).   He also does the "sorry, I'm so useless" talk as well.  She loved him, but could not live with him.  I don't know if this is the same, but it turned out that he couldn't remember what she needed or relationship discussions that they'd had.  Meanwhile, she felt like he was gaslighting her.   He was a good guy, but too messed up because of the brain damage.

Also, apologies for saying that you were pushing him into college.  I didn't realise he was telling you that he wanted to do it

Happy to talk on PM if you want.

Edited April 3, 2020 by basil67

[TexanGal28]

4 hours ago, Emilie Jolie said:

Even if he is using at as an excuse, it sounds like he hasn't dealt with it at all. An accident that involves a memory loss suggests at least post-traumatic amnesia. It seems you met shortly after that. Do you know if he had any form of therapy for it?

These next few weeks shouldn't be about reconnecting and filling out application forms; he'll use all the tricks in the book to lull you back into changing your mind about the move. Not because he's evil; he just won't want to leave his safety blanket.

If you're serious about a clean slate, you either need zero contact until he leaves, or you need to have a discussion about the underlying issues rooted in his behaviour (eg why he is always defensive) not about 'reviving the flames'. Whether he's depressed or a loser is besides the point; he just needs to step up for real. I feel like any 'changes' made before April 30 will be cosmetic. 

You want to show him that you mean business while empathising with his position.

 

We met probably 5 to 7 years after his accident. He had physical therapy for a long time but I guess they didn't know about the memory loss? He doesn't discuss the accident with me unless we're already arguing and then he brings it up. 

I would like to try to talk to him about seeing a counselor or psychiatrist but I'm scared he'll get angry at the whole conversation. Or he just brushes it off like "no I'm fine." And I haven't seen the memory loss affect him in his day to day life enough to be worried.

And, I also completely agree that  any thing he does before moving out (and even shortly after) is going to feel "fake" to me too. Like he's only doing it to get back with me. 

That's why I'm not going to back down from this seperation. My mind is made up. We can't live together. But I am willing to help him in whatever way I can.

[preraph]

I hate to throw a wet towel on this, but if he had a brain injury, that is likely going to get worse, not improve.  It can turn someone into a different person.  One of my best friend's husband had a couple of accidents and did nothing about it and just degenerated into someone she didn't know because of his brain injury.  

 

I am telling you, this is above your pay grade and beyond your control.  This is a great time to get out.  Therapy isn't going to cure damage to the brain.  

[Emilie Jolie]

1 hour ago, TexanGal28 said:

I would like to try to talk to him about seeing a counselor or psychiatrist but I'm scared he'll get angry at the whole conversation. Or he just brushes it off like "no I'm fine."

These are not easy conversations to have, but you have earned the right to ask why his behaviour is so out of line.

What solutions has he come up with himself to get the situation sorted? I appreciate that you don't want to break up, but this decision to separate has to come with conditions attached as well as clearly defined boundaries until April 30. This can't be a one-way system. He needs to be proactive not just to keep you in his life, but for his own good too. 

[Ellener]

On 4/3/2020 at 11:23 AM, Emilie Jolie said:

I appreciate that you don't want to break up,

I don't understand that. It seems like you want to fix your partner then everything will be okay, and love relationships don't work like that.

Even if you could fix him and turn him into who you want him to be, he'd be a different person and unlikely to want to be in the same relationship.

After April 30 move out let go, let him sort his own life, and if he wants to do a mundane job and keep fish...well there are worse things you know and that's his choice.

If he has a head injury they are maybe good choices for him, low stress and low maintenance.

 

 

[Mystery4u]

You said you would give him 2 weeks to move out, then gave him a month?? It doesn't take more than 2 days to move back to his parents.

For the rest of the month he is going to start being on his 'best' behaviour, and I doubt he will even move out at all. Then all the same issues will start again and you will be unhappy again.

I hope I'm wrong as you seem like a really good girlfriend who unfortunately has a loser boyfriend who doesn't know how to treat a woman.

[Emilie Jolie]

6 minutes ago, Ellener said:

I don't understand that.

I don't necessarily get it either, but people need to follow their own path.

Breaking up with someone is easier said than done, especially when you still really care. Hopefully they'll find a way to communicate with each other in a mature and constructive manner in that 'transition period'.   

 

[Ellener]

1 hour ago, Emilie Jolie said:

people need to follow their own path.

absolutely. I think it does kill any romantic or sexual part of a relationship though to be someone's 'helper', well it does for me.

[HadMeOverABarrel]

Go ahead and rip the bandaid off: break up with him now. There's better out there waiting for you. It's easier to find it the younger you are. Don't be fooled by his promises to change after you've given him his marching orders either. Fail to heed this advice, and this guy will be an albatross around your neck until you finally do cut him loose.  You get what you accept...and not all the nagging in the world will motivate a man who can't be bothered to motivate himself. You are not his mommy. He is not your responsibility. Things will never be better than they are now. He's not going to have any epiphanies about this for many years to come, if then. Good luck!

Edited April 5, 2020 by HadMeOverABarrel

[HadMeOverABarrel]

On 4/2/2020 at 8:32 PM, TexanGal28 said:

He pays rent weekly on Fridays. And yeah, I already planned on having little communication with him. I don't like the way he talks to me and how he puts blame on things. Thank you for the input!

Hey, in my state, you only have to give 3 days notice to terminate a week-to-week tenancy without specific duration.  Something to think about! 😀

 

(Disclaimer: I'm not an attorney and this is not meant as legal advice.)

Edited April 5, 2020 by HadMeOverABarrel

[Ellener]

1 hour ago, HadMeOverABarrel said:

(Disclaimer: I'm not an attorney and this is not meant as legal advice.)

Too late, i'm quoting you on legal documents right now 🤭

[HadMeOverABarrel]

4 minutes ago, Ellener said:

Too late, i'm quoting you on legal documents right now 🤭

LMAO! 😝

[stillafool]

If he parents only live 45 min away, why does he need until 4/30 to move out?

[lil_missy]

Hi TexanGirl,

your bf sound sooo much like my husband! So I completely understand your dilemma, it is so hard when it’s someone you love that keeps letting you down and you still have feelings for them and don’t want to close the door on them completely, otherwise it might be done forever. 

My husband is basically a big baby too and He is very poor at taking responsibility or keeping his word. I don’t know if he can change but we seperated coz of it. But now I’m considering moving back with him since we are in lock down and I really want to be with him and our son together as a family at a time like this. 

Will you really not miss him if you bf left and you hardly saw him anymore? When me n my hubby each moved back to our parents, we wanted to try again but being apart became really hard esp with the restriction we couldn’t go anywhere to spend any time together. 

But your bf blamed you for not reminding him to enroll in school? That is really lame excuse. I’ll give u a similar example, my husbands sister sleeps til past noon everyday, and she says she wants to wake up early but can’t because she blames her mom n dad for not waking her up. She is permanently unemployed and has zero ambition. So I think this lil comment by your bf is a huge red flag  into his way of thinking. 

Also accusing you of cheating on him when you’ve done nothing. That is extreme insecurity. My husband sometimes does that too. I don’t know what can we do about that but it’s not cool.