Should I tell my live in boyfriend to move out now or wait until quarantine is over?

[Emilie Jolie]

1 minute ago, TexanGal28 said:

I know his parents told me he suffers from depression when we first met. If he has depression, does that mean I shouldn't tell him to leave? Or I should tell him to move out and say something like "I think you should get treatment for depression if you have it while we spend this time apart."

There's no magic treatment for depression, sadly, so it depends on where you're at. Have you ever talked about his depression to him?

[preraph]

His depression is not your problem. they mean be saying he has depression to make excuses for him being the way he is and being such a do nothing. He's able to work so if he is depressed he's at least functioning and depressed. You can't make him go do anything about that even if it's true. Just stop letting him stay there. 

 

And by the way quarantine does not stop anyone from moving to a different residence. I was looking that up this morning for some reason. 

 

Give him a written notice and then you might want to check the laws in your state and see if you have to do a formal eviction but I would think that would be mostly if you had a rental contract with him.

[The Outlaw]

He's going to have to make up his own mind if he wants to get help or not with his depression. It sucks but you can't let that deter you from doing what you need to do for you. Not trying to sound horrible, but sometimes you have to just put yourself first. That's a lesson I had to learn myself the hard way. 

[Scarlett.O'hara]

My first thought was similar to SincereOnlineGuy.  What rights might he have in this situation given the fact that:

1. He has been your partner for four years (might qualify as de facto?)

2. He moved in soon after you brought it

3. He has lived there for two years

4. He has contributed $600.00 a month towards the mortgage

He might not think twice about cutting his losses and moving out without issue after you break up, but on the flip side, he might head straight to a lawyer. 

It might be a good idea to get some legal advice.

[Emilie Jolie]

19 minutes ago, The Outlaw said:

He's going to have to make up his own mind if he wants to get help or not with his depression. It sucks but you can't let that deter you from doing what you need to do for you. Not trying to sound horrible, but sometimes you have to just put yourself first. That's a lesson I had to learn myself the hard way. 

 

 

31 minutes ago, preraph said:

His depression is not your problem. they mean be saying he has depression to make excuses for him being the way he is and being such a do nothing. He's able to work so if he is depressed he's at least functioning and depressed. You can't make him go do anything about that even if it's true. Just stop letting him stay there. 

I agree with that but I'm frankly totally gobsmacked that in a 4-year relationship, 2 of which under the same roof, the subject of his depression has not come up. I don't know how you guys dump your SOs, but at least I need to know I did right by them to the end. You can kick someone out and give them support if they need help, especially if you care about them. 

Edited March 31, 2020 by Emilie Jolie

[smackie9]

Ya if you live in Canada he's entitled to half of everything you own, and you are entitled to half his debts. AND he's entitled to be supported because you earn more.

[basil67]

10 minutes ago, Emilie Jolie said:

I agree with that but I'm frankly totally gobsmacked that in a 4-year relationship, 2 of which under the same roof, the subject of his depression has not come up. I don't know how you guys dump your SOs, but at least I need to know I did right by them to the end. You can both kick someone out and support them if they need help, especially if you care about them. 

Texangirl may not realise that what she is seeing could be symptomatic of depression.  If you don't realise that it's depression which is causing the problems, then I can see that the subject may not come up.  More so if he's not seeing a therapist or on meds.    The only reason I know about it is because I've suffered the same inertia from undiagnosed depression.   

 

[Emilie Jolie]

7 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Texangirl may not realise that what she is seeing could be symptomatic of depression.  If you don't realise that it's depression which is causing the problems, then I can see that the subject may not come up.  More so if he's not seeing a therapist or on meds.    The only reason I know about it is because I've suffered the same inertia from undiagnosed depression.   

 

She was told by his parents when they first met...

I was in a short-lived relationship with what I would describe as depressed guy; he was not diagnosed or aware of it himself before I sat him down to share my concerns with him (I think), but everything about him gave it away. I didn't take it personally or thought he was a 'bad' bf. I saw him as a damaged individual and I was not invested enough to want to see it through with him. Still, the last thing he'd have needed back then was me making it about how thoughtless or useless he was, or whatever. I still let him go, but saw no point in adding insult to injury.

Edited March 31, 2020 by Emilie Jolie

[basil67]

34 minutes ago, preraph said:

His depression is not your problem. they mean be saying he has depression to make excuses for him being the way he is and being such a do nothing. He's able to work so if he is depressed he's at least functioning and depressed. You can't make him go do anything about that even if it's true. Just stop letting him stay there. 

I 100% agree that we can't make someone address their depression.  And that depression inertia can make it even more difficult to get them off their rear end and do something about it.   And I agree that we shouldn't stay with someone who refuses to care for their mental health.

However depression isn't an 'excuse' for his behaviour.  It's a reason for the behaviour.  If someone had a twisted ankle, we would not say that it's an excuse for not walking fast.  It's the reason they can't walk fast.

[TexanGal28]

37 minutes ago, Scarlett.O'hara said:

My first thought was similar to SincereOnlineGuy.  What rights might he have in this situation given the fact that:

1. He has been your partner for four years (might qualify as de facto?)

2. He moved in soon after you brought it

3. He has lived there for two years

4. He has contributed $600.00 a month towards the mortgage

He might not think twice about cutting his losses and moving out without issue after you break up, but on the flip side, he might head straight to a lawyer. 

It might be a good idea to get some legal advice.

He has no legal rights. For the majority of us living together, he was paying me money every week here and there, sometimes not at all. I wouldn't hound him about it because he kept saying he was having a hard time making money at his job. It was only until this year that I put my foot down and said to him he needs to be giving me something every week for the household expenses. He chooses that to be $150 a week. Sometimes less, like $100.

We have been living together for somewhere around 2 years, maybe a little more.

[TexanGal28]

19 minutes ago, basil67 said:

I 100% agree that we can't make someone address their depression.  And that depression inertia can make it even more difficult to get them off their rear end and do something about it.   And I agree that we shouldn't stay with someone who refuses to care for their mental health.

However depression isn't an 'excuse' for his behaviour.  It's a reason for the behaviour.  If someone had a twisted ankle, we would not say that it's an excuse for not walking fast.  It's the reason they can't walk fast.

This is where I'm struggling a lot. I think he is scared to go back to school because he's scared of flunking out again, mix that in with depression and knowing that I don't like it that he hasn't gone back to school even though he told me he was planning to a few years ago, is doing something to him that I don't understand because I don't suffer from depression.

 

In my head, if I told someone I was going to do something to better myself for them, I would go do it and not drag my feet for years.

[TexanGal28]

22 minutes ago, Emilie Jolie said:

She was told by his parents when they first met...

I was in a short-lived relationship with what I would describe as depressed guy; he was not diagnosed or aware of it himself before I sat him down to share my concerns with him (I think), but everything about him gave it away. I didn't take it personally or thought he was a 'bad' bf. I saw him as a damaged individual and I was not invested enough to want to see it through with him. Still, the last thing he'd have needed back then was me making it about how thoughtless or useless he was, or whatever. I still let him go, but saw no point in adding insult to injury.

Honestly I wish I would have left him a long time ago when he wasn't showing any progress in the goals he was telling me he had. We never should have moved in together either.

 

But I am 28 and this is only my second relationship, ever, in my entire life. And he is really a good guy deep down and its killing me that I am going to have to do something that hurts him so terribly.

[Emilie Jolie]

If he's depressed, he's not well. It doesn't make him an underachiever with no ambitions; it means he has a mood disorder that prevents him from achieving his goals. I assume it hurts him more than it hurts you.

Dump him without bitterness or regret at 'time lost' with him. There's no time lost when you spend it with someone you care about.

You've hopefully learned about yourself too and what your boundaries are.

He's not a bad person, you're not a bad person but you're not right for each other. 

Edited March 31, 2020 by Emilie Jolie

[preraph]

51 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

Ya if you live in Canada he's entitled to half of everything you own, and you are entitled to half his debts. AND he's entitled to be supported because you earn more.

Smackie, her name is TexanGal, and they're not married.  She won't have to give him anything but what he owned before he moved in or bought while he was there.  His debts are his debts unless she shared a card with him or something like that.  

[preraph]

Honestly, if it were going to hurt him that deeply, he'd have made some effort to compromise with you and not be such a slug.  I think he will feel sorry for himself, yes, but he doesn't want you bad enough to compromise.  Please stop worrying about his depression.  That's his responsibility, not yours.  He has chosen not to do anything about it, and you're not his mother, and he's not underaged, so you can't make him do anything like that, and it's not a panacea anyway.  He is who he is.  

[TexanGal28]

So major update: I just told him to move out. He is NOT happy (understandable).

Here's how it went down:

• I told him I would like for him to move out so we can have space. But we didn't need to break up. I told him creating space would allow us to date each other like how it should have been from the beginning
• He got very defensive and started to blame me. I admit, I am also partially to blame, but I have communicated my requests to him multiple times for months and he just wasn't listening to me. He is acting like this is out of the blue. It definitely is not.
• He made the statement that he would sleep on the couch and I said that's not good enough. He needs to move out. He then tried to tell me to move out but this is MY home, so no.
• He also said I wouldn't have everything I have today without him (meaning financially.) I stated I paid $50,000 for my home and I've bought everything in it. Like I don't understand how he even made such a statement.... I said I am definitely fine when it comes to money.
• He said that I asked him to change and didn't give him a chance to change because of the virus situation going on. BUT, I said we haven't broken up, we're just not going to live together anymore. I still want us to work on our relationship, but under different roofs.

He is now very upset and won't talk to me. He is still acting like what I have done is completely over the top and unnecessary. Which, I don't think it is? He is sending me long text messages that honestly I don't want to read or respond to.

 

[Art_Critic]

2 minutes ago, TexanGal28 said:

He also said I wouldn't have everything I have today without him (meaning financially.)

First, good for you for understanding your boundaries and then enforcing them.. shows you have good self esteem.

The part I quoted is actually how he feels, he isn't lying that he feels that way.. bullet dodged as your future would have been filled with more of that type of thinking..

Lastly, don't back down from enforcing your boundaries, give him enough time to get his shiot together and move out but don't let him pull the wool over your eyes or you will do so at the cost of your own self esteem.

 

 

[basil67]

1 hour ago, TexanGal28 said:

In my head, if I told someone I was going to do something to better myself for them, I would go do it and not drag my feet for years.

Truth be told, we shouldn't give goals to other people  The goals we meet should be our own, not those which are thrust upon us.  You making goals for him is one of the things you've done really wrong here.

If he flunked out of college before, it's wise of him to acknowledge that an academic path isn't right for him.   Not all of us have a future which needs a degree.  Is he happy in his job?  Or is there a different dream he'd like to follow?     

Edited April 1, 2020 by basil67

[basil67]

Ah, we cross posted and I see you've given him his marching orders.  If he's still refusing to leave in a day or two, you will have to break up with him properly and give him a an eviction notice.

[TexanGal28]

1 minute ago, basil67 said:

Truth be told, we shouldn't push people to meet goals.  And the goals we meet should be our own, not those which are thrust upon us.  You making goals for him is one of the things you've done really wrong here.

If he flunked out of college before, it's wise of him to acknowledge that an academic path isn't right for him.   Not all of us have a future which needs a degree.  Is he happy in his job?  Or is there a different dream he'd like to follow?     

You are very right. However, when we first met, I voiced to him that going to school was VERY important to me and my family. He was the one that said he was planning on going back for sure. I didn't make him say that to me.

Then, I have stated to him quite a few times that if he doesn't want to go back, he needs to tell me and thats okay. There are many careers he can go into that do not require a collefe education but still give great financial stability. Which in truth, is what I really want from my mate. I need a man that earns his own keep. I can not be with someone who does not have any ambition to succeed in their career. 

Right now, he does not have a career. He is a warehouse worker for Penske making about $19 an hour, plus overtime. Now, that's pretty good money when you do the math, but he literally acts like he is living paycheck to paycheck. Meaning, he literally always says "I have no money" when I ask him to do things with me. So, if he can't support himself at $19 an hour, how is he going to support a family making that much?

I hope I am not coming off as being a gold digger. I work really hard as a teacher to earn my income. I also tutor after work for more money because I want to be really well off one day. I have a savings account, I invest money into the market, I want to have my own business, etc. He on the other hand has done nothing in four years. This job he even has right now is one I found for him because he was making only $12 an hour previously and it was very hard for him to live off that much money.

[TexanGal28]

3 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Ah, we cross posted and I see you've given him his marching orders.  If he's still refusing to leave in a day or two, you will have to break up with him properly and give him a an eviction notice.

I don't think I can evict him because he was never a formal tenant. We just lived together without a lease or anything like that.

 

I am going to give him two weeks to pack his things and move out. If he's still here, then I don't know what I'll do.

[TexanGal28]

2 hours ago, Emilie Jolie said:

 

 

I agree with that but I'm frankly totally gobsmacked that in a 4-year relationship, 2 of which under the same roof, the subject of his depression has not come up. I don't know how you guys dump your SOs, but at least I need to know I did right by them to the end. You can kick someone out and give them support if they need help, especially if you care about them. 

I am kicking him out in the hopes of starting this relationship sort of on a new track. I wrote him a letter saying that I do not want to break up with him. I still love him. If he wants to acknowledge his depression and work on it, I will be there for him. But its not my job to force him to acknowledge the depression or seek help.

[TexanGal28]

I've given him so much time to get his life together. What I am asking of him is not something crazy. All I wanted was for him to show me he loved me by spending time with me and being romantic, and he didn't do it. I also am not breaking it off but clearly living together is only going to make him stay lazy and not change. He has gotten too comfortable and I can not waste anymore of my time being with someone who does not want to meet me halfway.

Edited April 1, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[TexanGal28]

Just now, Vespil said:

Once he leaves he'll be gone for good.

If that's what he wants to do, then that's fine with me. If we are meant to be together, God will make it happen later. But right now, we are not in a loving relationship. It is borderline toxic in my opinion, only because he is too comfortable and I am not okay with being comfortable. I feel like you should always keep chasing your partner as if they won't be there on day for you. That's how you keep love alive after the honeymoon phrase. We just didn't do that.

[salparadise]

3 minutes ago, TexanGal28 said:

If that's what he wants to do, then that's fine with me. If we are meant to be together, God will make it happen later. But right now, we are not in a loving relationship. It is borderline toxic in my opinion, only because he is too comfortable and I am not okay with being comfortable. I feel like you should always keep chasing your partner as if they won't be there on day for you. That's how you keep love alive after the honeymoon phrase. We just didn't do that.

Did I actually just see this ^ stated in so many words? I hope he realizes that you're simply someone who is never going to be happy, are always going to be pushing your agenda on someone else, and feel completely justified in this over-the-top expectation that someone ought to devote his life trying to keep you pacified... and since you seem to be on a 1:1 with God, think you should pray to have this man saved... from the hell on earth that you're putting him through. Damnation! Part the Red Sea!