Should I tell my live in boyfriend to move out now or wait until quarantine is over?

[Springsummer]

3 hours ago, smackie9 said:

Ya if you live in Canada he's entitled to half of everything you own, and you are entitled to half his debts. AND he's entitled to be supported because you earn more.

Not if you live in Quebec. 

[basil67]

17 minutes ago, TexanGal28 said:

he is too comfortable and I am not okay with being comfortable. I feel like you should always keep chasing your partner as if they won't be there on day for you. That's how you keep love alive after the honeymoon phrase. We just didn't do that.

I am writing this with the perspective of someone who's been in a solid, loving relationship for nearly 30 years:  Your expectations are unrealistic.

Being comfortable with each other is a wonderful thing.  But you can be comfortable with each other without taking each other for granted or be lazy.  Perhaps it's the taking for granted thing which is the problem rather than being comfortable?

The thing about chasing your partner as if they won't be there for you...with all due respect, this sounds exhausting.  It's great to take care of each other, love each other and recognise each other's needs, but chasing chasing is just not sustainable.    A long lived, loving marriage involves being comfortable together,  with each person's needs being met.  If someone loves you and meets your needs and you meet theirs, you shouldn't also need to chase each other.

I agree that he will break up with you when he goes.  Honestly, I was surprised that you offered to stay together after asking him to leave.  It's not gonna happen.

[TexanGal28]

27 minutes ago, basil67 said:

I am writing this with the perspective of someone who's been in a solid, loving relationship for nearly 30 years:  Your expectations are unrealistic.

Being comfortable with each other is a wonderful thing.  But you can be comfortable with each other without taking each other for granted or be lazy.  Perhaps it's the taking for granted thing which is the problem rather than being comfortable?

The thing about chasing your partner as if they won't be there for you...with all due respect, this sounds exhausting.  It's great to take care of each other, love each other and recognise each other's needs, but chasing chasing is just not sustainable.    A long lived, loving marriage involves being comfortable together,  with each person's needs being met.  If someone loves you and meets your needs and you meet theirs, you shouldn't also need to chase each other.

I agree that he will break up with you when he goes.  Honestly, I was surprised that you offered to stay together after asking him to leave.  It's not gonna happen.

I understand being comfortable is a good thing, and its supposed to happen after 30 years. BUT, after just 4 years, you shouldn't be lazy about dating one another. I know many couples who are 10 years into their marriages and they go out with each other more than us! Literally in the past 3 months, we have not gone out once. I asked him week after week to go here and there with me, and he always had an excuse, so I stopped asking. It was getting to the point where I was almost begging him to be with me outside of the house. How do you think that made me feel? To be rejected like that over and over again?

 

We did many things wrong in this relationship and I acknowledge that. But moving forward, we can think of this step as something positive and exciting for us. It gives us a chance to fall in love again. It gives him a chance to save money and attend school. Or we can look at it as a negative. That's how life is. You are either optimistic or pessimistic. I am very hopeful this will make us stronger. If he chooses to be dreadful about it, then there is nothing I can do. I have waited four years for him to get his life together and I think that is enough. I am ready to get married, and I want kids before I turn old, so I can't wait for him to drag his feet any longer.

[TexanGal28]

40 minutes ago, Springsummer said:

Not if you live in Quebec. 

Good thing I don't live in Canada. That is such a stupid rule. I understand it if you are married, but if you're just dating people, then no one should have claim to anyone elses' assets. I would feel like a complete POS taking anything that wasn't mine from my boyfriend.

[Ellener]

2 hours ago, TexanGal28 said:

I told him I would like for him to move out so we can have space. But we didn't need to break up.

So you don't want to break up? 

Honey you can't say 'I want things my way or no way' I don't think. Who would agree to that?

2 hours ago, TexanGal28 said:

I can not be with someone who does not have any ambition to succeed in their career. 

You can't dictate to another adult how they should live their life, only step away if it's not what you want.

[Springsummer]

7 minutes ago, TexanGal28 said:

Good thing I don't live in Canada. That is such a stupid rule. I understand it if you are married, but if you're just dating people, then no one should have claim to anyone elses' assets. I would feel like a complete POS taking anything that wasn't mine from my boyfriend.

Living together is dating?

The law makes sense, because in all practical senses, living together is more like married people do.

[TexanGal28]

Just now, Springsummer said:

Living together is dating?

The law makes sense, because in all practical senses, living together is more like married people do.

Yes but you're not married. You're just trying it out. I don't think it's fair to give away someone's property to someone who isn't related to them. That's s***ty. Unless the things were bought with shared money, everything should remain seperate until marriage.

[TexanGal28]

9 minutes ago, Ellener said:

So you don't want to break up? 

Honey you can't say 'I want things my way or no way' I don't think. Who would agree to that?

You can't dictate to another adult how they should live their life, only step away if it's not what you want.

This is what I'm doing. I am stepping away and asking him to do the same. 

I am not happy being with someone who doesn't have the same ambitions as me. I want to be wealthy and I am slowly working towards that. He isn't. He said he would and he never did. I kept making excuses for him and giving him more time. That was my fault. But I have no more time to give. 

I am hoping by me asking him to leave, he will get his butt into gear and go to school like he needs to. Otherwise, it will be over. He will never do that if I allow him to live with me.

[Springsummer]

Canada Revenue Agency (CRA) states, as of 2007, a common-law relationship is true if at least one of the following applies:[13]

the couple has been living in a conjugal relationship for at least 12 continuous months;

the couple are parents of a child by birth or adoption; or

one of the couple has custody and control of the other partner's child (or had custody and control immediately before the child turned 19 years of age) and the child is wholly dependent on that person for support.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Common-law_marriage

[Springsummer]

6 minutes ago, TexanGal28 said:

Yes but you're not married. You're just trying it out. I don't think it's fair to give away someone's property to someone who isn't related to them. That's s***ty. Unless the things were bought with shared money, everything should remain seperate until marriage.

Yes, you were married factually, except legally.

[preraph]

In Texas in order to be considered common law married, you have to have represented yourself as being a married couple husband and wife and doing things as husband and wife. I read some divorce and custody cases and I've never yet seen one in Texas involving common law marriage so I just don't think it happens except in very rare circumstances. if kids are in a union then it's more a custody issue and financial responsibility to both people. Other than that when you're not married if you're mixing money, you need to be keeping your receipts and paying attention to who is on what note or contract because that's all that matters in court.

 

I wouldn't worry about any of that. I would just kick him out and get on with your life. 

[basil67]

1 hour ago, Springsummer said:

Canada Revenue Agency (CRA) states, as of 2007, a common-law relationship is true if at least one of the following applies:[13]

the couple has been living in a conjugal relationship for at least 12 continuous months;

the couple are parents of a child by birth or adoption; or

one of the couple has custody and control of the other partner's child (or had custody and control immediately before the child turned 19 years of age) and the child is wholly dependent on that person for support.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Common-law_marriage

The OP is not in Canada.  Let's not confuse issues by quoting laws which aren't relevant to the OP

[TexanGal28]

46 minutes ago, preraph said:

In Texas in order to be considered common law married, you have to have represented yourself as being a married couple husband and wife and doing things as husband and wife. I read some divorce and custody cases and I've never yet seen one in Texas involving common law marriage so I just don't think it happens except in very rare circumstances. if kids are in a union then it's more a custody issue and financial responsibility to both people. Other than that when you're not married if you're mixing money, you need to be keeping your receipts and paying attention to who is on what note or contract because that's all that matters in court.

 

I wouldn't worry about any of that. I would just kick him out and get on with your life. 

Thank you. This is the plan. I really need more from this relationship. If it’s meant to be then it will happen. Until then, I need my space.

[basil67]

1 hour ago, TexanGal28 said:

I am hoping by me asking him to leave, he will get his butt into gear and go to school like he needs to. Otherwise, it will be over. He will never do that if I allow him to live with me.

No! No! No!   He doesn't need to go to school.  He may have said it once upon a time, but he's changed his mind as his his prerogative.  All the talk about it now is your goal for him and one which you have no right to set.   If you don't like him as he is, leave him.  But it's wrong to try and change him to be what you want.

2 hours ago, TexanGal28 said:

I understand being comfortable is a good thing, and its supposed to happen after 30 years. BUT, after just 4 years, you shouldn't be lazy about dating one another. I know many couples who are 10 years into their marriages and they go out with each other more than us! Literally in the past 3 months, we have not gone out once. I asked him week after week to go here and there with me, and he always had an excuse, so I stopped asking. It was getting to the point where I was almost begging him to be with me outside of the house. How do you think that made me feel? To be rejected like that over and over again?

I understand how you feel because it's one of the reasons I broke up with my ex husband.    But to be clear - and to help you be able to verbalise your own discussions on the topic, laziness and comfort are not related.    The best relationships are both comfortable and considerate of each other's needs.   That said, we shouldn't be setting goals for the other person to meet our needs.  They are who they are and we have to make a decision based on that.

Quote

We did many things wrong in this relationship and I acknowledge that. But moving forward, we can think of this step as something positive and exciting for us. It gives us a chance to fall in love again. It gives him a chance to save money and attend school. Or we can look at it as a negative. That's how life is. You are either optimistic or pessimistic. I am very hopeful this will make us stronger. If he chooses to be dreadful about it, then there is nothing I can do. I have waited four years for him to get his life together and I think that is enough. I am ready to get married, and I want kids before I turn old, so I can't wait for him to drag his feet any longer.

Hon, you've thrown him out.  I think you're the only one seeing this as a positive and exciting new endeavor for your relationship.   You still missing the point that he doesn't want to save money and attend school - these are your goals, not his.    Also, optimism and pessimism has a midway - it's called realism.   You're not being real about what throwing him out means.  Now I agree that you should throw him out (and left my ex-h for similar reasons), but don't expect that anyone other than you would see this as a step forward and a new beginning.   At present, he's angry at you for this and it's only going to go downhill from here.....as would be expected during a breakup.  

Edited April 1, 2020 by basil67

[Ruby Slippers]

You're doing the right thing. One day you'll look back and wonder why you wasted any time on a man who drags you down. 

[S2B]

2 hours ago, TexanGal28 said:

This is what I'm doing. I am stepping away and asking him to do the same. 

I am not happy being with someone who doesn't have the same ambitions as me. I want to be wealthy and I am slowly working towards that. He isn't. He said he would and he never did. I kept making excuses for him and giving him more time. That was my fault. But I have no more time to give. 

I am hoping by me asking him to leave, he will get his butt into gear and go to school like he needs to. Otherwise, it will be over. He will never do that if I allow him to live with me.

I think it’s obvious by his response to your request that he has no intention to change and he had no intention to move.

you better be firm with him (two weeks is too much time) that he’s expected to move now.

looksto me like he intended to take advantage of you for as long as you allowed it.

he may never accomplish more in life when he moves at a snails pace.

it may be much easier in the long run to break up with him as well. Looks like he’s wasting your time/his goals don’t align well with your goals!

[SincereOnlineGuy]

4 hours ago, TexanGal28 said:

I don't think I can evict him because he was never a formal tenant. We just lived together without a lease or anything like that.

 

I am going to give him two weeks to pack his things and move out. If he's still here, then I don't know what I'll do.

 

A lease is not a prerequisite for him being a tennant.

YOU should hurry and look up tennants rights in your state/area...       he might rate "30 days notice"...    but who knows?

 

You should have covered all of the bases before you made your choice.

 

 

[Ellener]

4 hours ago, TexanGal28 said:

I am hoping by me asking him to leave, he will get his butt into gear and go to school like he needs to. Otherwise, it will be over.

Sweetie if he has an ounce of self-worth it already is over. These are not your decisions to make. 

You are trying to change someone else, the only person anyone can change is themself.

[stillafool]

7 hours ago, TexanGal28 said:

This is what I'm doing. I am stepping away and asking him to do the same. 

I am not happy being with someone who doesn't have the same ambitions as me. I want to be wealthy and I am slowly working towards that. He isn't. He said he would and he never did. I kept making excuses for him and giving him more time. That was my fault. But I have no more time to give. 

I am hoping by me asking him to leave, he will get his butt into gear and go to school like he needs to. Otherwise, it will be over. He will never do that if I allow him to live with me.

If you have no more time to give to him because you aren't compatible, why do you want to waste time still being in a relationship with him after he moves out?  He is who he is and that isn't sitting well with you so why don't you make a clean break, find a man you are more compatible with and let this one find a woman he is more compatible with?

[stillafool]

8 hours ago, TexanGal28 said:

If that's what he wants to do, then that's fine with me. If we are meant to be together, God will make it happen later. But right now, we are not in a loving relationship. It is borderline toxic in my opinion, only because he is too comfortable and I am not okay with being comfortable. I feel like you should always keep chasing your partner as if they won't be there on day for you. That's how you keep love alive after the honeymoon phrase. We just didn't do that.

This is unreasonable.  No one wants to be in a relationship where they feel they have to constantly chase their partner to keep their attention.  That doesn't make one feel secure in a relationship if they think they constantly have to chase them to keep them.  It's akin to him saying you have to stay a certain weight and never get a wrinkle or he won't love you anymore.  Can you do that?

[Emilie Jolie]

10 hours ago, TexanGal28 said:

I am kicking him out in the hopes of starting this relationship sort of on a new track. I wrote him a letter saying that I do not want to break up with him. I still love him. If he wants to acknowledge his depression and work on it, I will be there for him. But its not my job to force him to acknowledge the depression or seek help.

Yeah, very much looks like you have controlling tendencies though. Not judging, it's probably borne out of frustration, but withholding sex for months, setting him up with a better paid job, demanding he shows more ambition, nagging for more romance and kicking him out to give him a boost while not dumping him are not winning strategies, sorry to say. It'd never work on any mentally stable guy, never mind a guy suffering from depression.

You need to develop a bare minimum of empathy asap. You do that by letting him go for good as kindly as possible - which is a fair expectation, after a 4-year RL.

Nagging him for 'romance' will not work any better from a distance. Neither of you needs that sort of pressure. Let each other go, and move on. If what you 2 have is solid, he'll come back to you once he's better. Or he won't. Up to him.

 

[Gold Pile]

If you're going to dump him, do it now before he uses up your toilet paper. He has had years to do the right thing. He isn't going to change. You are ready to move on. The time is now.

[smackie9]

15 hours ago, preraph said:

Smackie, her name is TexanGal, and they're not married.  She won't have to give him anything but what he owned before he moved in or bought while he was there.  His debts are his debts unless she shared a card with him or something like that.  

ya I didn't consider the name. Laws do vary in the states, that's something she's going to have to look into.

[preraph]

I'm in the same state she's in.

[Ellener]

13 hours ago, Springsummer said:

living together is more like married people do.

it's replaced marriage in lots of places/circumstances.