Should I tell my live in boyfriend to move out now or wait until quarantine is over?

[Mrin]

I'm going the opposite direction of everyone else. I think you have to sit tight especially if you're in a shelter in place location. The time to do this was 3 to 4 weeks ago. You sort of danced past the f****** hour on this one. If you kick him out right now then he's going to have to go somewhere else and that's somewhere else probably involves either his parents or other people. And that means exposing them to the virus. You are changing their risk exposure. That's a pretty crappy ass position to be putting somebody else in simply because you decided to make up your mind right here and now to end this relationship after four years. 

In my opinion you should have done this 4 weeks ago or you just need to sit and ride this out until the danger has passed. 

[Ellener]

4 hours ago, Emilie Jolie said:

You need to develop a bare minimum of empathy asap. You do that by letting him go for good as kindly as possible

exactly. 

The fact you would do this during the pandemic when everyone literally clings to people they love, you clearly don't have deep feelings here. Unless he changes apparently, then you will. And that's wishful thinking at best. He's not abusive, he's boring and not wealthy or ambitious. Those things would not matter if you already loved him. Unless this pandemic situation is tipping you over the edge?

[Mrin]

Ok I've reloaded and going to come around for another pass on this one. Not just the OP but the loads of my fellow LSers who I've grown fond of over the years.

WTF are you thinking??? Yeah, the dude sounds like a total loser and OP needs to get rid of him. But in the middle of the most disruptive event in modern history? Where the mere act of breathing on someone can put their lives in danger? Are you f***ing watching the news? Even sunshine boy Trump is saying the next two weeks are going to be really really bad. 80% of Americans are under shelter in place orders. That means don't go anywhere. Period. It isn't just about you. Or him. It is everyone else that will be impacted. What the hell are you people smoking? Share some with me! 😉

I'm pretty sure "kicking longterm boyfriend out in middle of pandemic/quarantine because I finally got tired of his loser ass" is right up there with "left wife when she got cancer" in term a**h*** moves.

Kick him out of the bedroom. Make him sleep on the couch. Divide up the house. Make him wear a bell around his neck, serve you food and call you "mistress" <-- on second thought don't do that as it might save your relationship LOL!

Whatever it takes. Tell him he has to be out when the orders are lifted. Same day. No exceptions. Dude sounds like a total loser and not worth another second of your time. 

Edited April 1, 2020 by Mrin

[Ruby Slippers]

6 minutes ago, Mrin said:

WTF are you thinking???

This assumes his parents are OK with him moving back in, or a buddy, or whatever. If not, I agree she should put him in another room/on the couch until all this settles down.

I've been offering for several weeks to put a hold on visits to my parents every few weeks, and for now, they still want to see me. It's their choice whether or not they want to accept the risk, and so far, they do.

Decisions about whether to see or even live with one's parents/family are up to those people and nobody else.

[Emilie Jolie]

1 hour ago, Mrin said:

you just need to sit and ride this out until the danger has passed.

Ok but...she's already told him to leave.  I've got super bad vibes about leaving them to 'sit and ride it' together under the same roof, frankly. She has displayed a net zero level of compassion for him, or anybody else. Loser or not, depressive or not, he needs to get out of that empathy-free zone for his own good, bluntly said. TexanGirl, can you guarantee you'd be a gracious host, was he to stay on the couch?

1 hour ago, Ellener said:

Unless this pandemic situation is tipping you over the edge?

Yeah, this is pretty disturbing...

Edited April 1, 2020 by Emilie Jolie

[S2B]

I don’t think she is lacking compassion by having him move... she has been patient with him for a long time - and he’s had AMPLE time and opportunities to make progress! But he hasn’t!

she shouldn’t be penalized because he’s unmotivated to be an equal partner!

if she asked him to move he SHOULD BE packing his stuff today and going somewhere else. 
 

what is the update?

Edited April 1, 2020 by S2B

[preraph]

He's displayed zero compassion for her this whole time.

[Emilie Jolie]

2 hours ago, S2B said:

I don’t think she is lacking compassion by having him move... she has been patient with him for a long time - and he’s had AMPLE time and opportunities to make progress! But he hasn’t!

she shouldn’t be penalized because he’s unmotivated to be an equal partner!

Compassion isn't about not kicking him out; that's not in question if she's not happy. The way she's going about it is totally unempathetic, though. This board clearly has an issue with depression that is slightly concerning (if you don't know what it does, maybe google it?) but regardless of that, this has been a slow pressure cooker that was bound to go off at the worst time. I'm not blaming TexanGirl or 'penalising' her for being frustrated, but the fact is this is a 4 year RL, not a fling. This guy is not living up to standards, fair enough, but what's the point in humiliating him farther? I'm sorry but withdrawing sex, constantly showing your disappointment, and nagging for romance will do nothing to anyone's self-esteem. I mean at the last count, she didn't dump him yet asked him to leave their home. Even losers deserve to be dumped with a standard minimum of respect that doesn't include a series of self-centered passive aggressive moves. 

 

[S2B]

I didn’t see her approach as passive aggressive.

she was clear and concise. HE is the one who started in on attempting to manipulate her. She stood firm on her decision and he was just disrespecting  her by continuing to try and stay.

at this point - minimum... he’s a mooch since he didn’t always pay half the expenses - and expected her to overlook the fact that he had no intention of making more effort.

Edited April 2, 2020 by S2B

[Emilie Jolie]

Kicking someone out you clearly don't have respect for while not dumping them is totally a passive-aggressive half-way house move, the same way withholding intimacy for months is. I'm not judging, clearly there's lots of built-up frustration. All I've said is that I can see both sides. There are no villains here; there's a badly matched couple who isn't bringing the best out of each other.

[basil67]

11 hours ago, Mrin said:

I'm pretty sure "kicking longterm boyfriend out in middle of pandemic/quarantine because I finally got tired of his loser ass" is right up there with "left wife when she got cancer" in term a**h*** moves.

If she throws him out, he can quarantine in a hotel for two weeks (or whatever standards are where you are) and when its known that he's clean, he can move in with whoever will take him.    Plenty of people are coming home here from overseas and do exactly this before living with others.  

It's not that hard.

[S2B]

What is he saying today?

[TexanGal28]

Thanks for the responses everyone.

Update:

He is very angry, slamming doors, stomping his feet around, etc (which is understandable).

I sat down next to him to talk again and told him he has until the end of April to move out. Honestly, if I should wait until this pandemic thing is over, I will, and he can sleep on the couch or whatever, but it will be very awkward. And I really don't want to do that. Its not because I don't care about him. Its because I've already told him how I feel.

Anyways, umm... tonight he begged me to give him a second chance. I told him I was giving BOTH OF US a second chance because I am far from perfect too. I am terrible at communicating, I don't show love well because my parents never did and I am working on that, but that we do not need to live together in order to do that.

He blamed me for not reminding him enough times to apply for school. He was very adamant tonight that HE WANTS TO GO TO SCHOOL but that because I only reminded him twice or three times over the course of our relationship, he forgot to do it? Mind you, I was very clear before we moved in together that I would not marry him if he did not go to school or have a solid career lined up.

Then he proceeded to hint at me cheating on him right now and that's why I want him to move out. Seriously??? I have not even flirted with a single guy since I've been with him so I have no clue why he even thinks that. It hurt me deeply to think that's how he sees my character as. 😢

He also said that he reached out to me for help on how to apply to colleges but I don't remember him ever doing that. All I remember is me telling him that I would happily GIVE HIM THE MONEY to go to school if he had a hard time paying for classes. Like I literally did not mind investing in his future.

AND FOR ALL OF YOU SAYING I AM FORCING HIM TO GO TO COLLEGE: NOT TRUE. I have asked him over and over again whether or not he is only saying he wants to go to college because of me and he was clear, more than clear, that was not the case. Even his grandparents and parents told me he really wants to go back to school. But I think he never went because no one ever pushed him to do it. I tried to push him but there's only so many times I can ask him about it before sounding like I'm nagging or acting as his mom.

At the end, he begged me to reconsider and I said no. I told him I want him to respect my decision.

He was also scared this meant our relationship was over and I said it isn't yet, but if we both don't put the amount of effort that we need to into this, it will be. I can't promise him that it won't be over; but I can say that I still love him deeply and I just want a do-over on the whole moving in thing.

 

BTW: this is only my second EVER relationship in my whole life and I am 28 years old. I am a novice at dating, I admit, and it shows every day. But I have been trying to communicate my needs to him for months and he just didn't do enough for me. All I wanted was for us to spend QUALITY time together, and he shot me down over and over again. He won't acknowledge it, he has a ton of excuses as to why he did it, and that's just not good enough for me. I do not want a husband whom I have to literally beg to go out of the house with me.

[TexanGal28]

Oh and also, I was reading up on how to be a better spouse and found this love assessment called "The 5 languages of love." Basically it is a quiz that you take and it tells you how you like to receive love. It also has an accompanying book that elaborates on each of the 5 languages. My boyfriend and I both took the quiz. I read the entire book today and focused on his love language(s) so that I can work on communicating love his way. I think I am going to ask him if he wants to read the book too and see how my love language works.

I am truly committed to making this work out for us. But I do not want to live under the same roof for a while. I need a break, a breather.

[Emilie Jolie]

35 minutes ago, TexanGal28 said:

He won't acknowledge it, he has a ton of excuses as to why he did it, and that's just not good enough for me

Rightly so. It sounds like you were open and honest with him, but you didn't get that in return. That is not a good move on his part, nor are the accusations of cheating or him not taking his fair share of responsibility. 

If you really want this to work as much as you say you do, you need to let him go. He needs to prove to you that he is as committed to being a good partner as you are. That's my opinion, based on experience, but of course you need to follow your path.

 

I really do wish you the best, TexanGal

Edited April 2, 2020 by Emilie Jolie

[Ruby Slippers]

His behavior is very immature and it's no surprise this is really turning you off. You need an equal partner who's as competent and driven as you are, not a whiny guy who expects you to remind him to work on his goals 🤷‍♀️

[TexanGal28]

5 minutes ago, Emilie Jolie said:

Rightly so. It sounds like you were open and honest with him, but you didn't get that in return. That is not a good move on his part, nor are the accusations of cheating or him not taking his fair share of responsibility. 

If you really want this to work as much as you say you do, you need to let him go. He needs to prove to you that he is as committed to being a good partner as you are. That's my opinion, based on experience, but of course you need to follow your path.

 

I really do wish you the best, TexanGal

Thank you so much Emilie! I really do love him. He is NOT a bad person and I have seen sides to him that make my heart melt. But, a friend of mine who is much older than me and much much wiser reminded me of the saying "If you love someone, let them go" and "Distance makes a heart grow fonder."

Just the thought of us not living together makes me very sad but I know this is what I need to do for us. It is not easy by any means for me. But I need to do it.

[TexanGal28]

1 minute ago, Ruby Slippers said:

His behavior is very immature and it's no surprise this is really turning you off. You need an equal partner who's as competent and driven as you are, not a whiny guy who expects you to remind him to work on his goals 🤷‍♀️

Yes I agree.

[basil67]

49 minutes ago, TexanGal28 said:

He blamed me for not reminding him enough times to apply for school. He was very adamant tonight that HE WANTS TO GO TO SCHOOL but that because I only reminded him twice or three times over the course of our relationship, he forgot to do it?

Him not taking responsibility for his own actions should be a deal breaker for you.   

Quote

Then he proceeded to hint at me cheating on him right now and that's why I want him to move out. Seriously??? I have not even flirted with a single guy since I've been with him so I have no clue why he even thinks that. It hurt me deeply to think that's how he sees my character as. 😢

Another deal breaker right here.  Who's he kidding

Quote

He also said that he reached out to me for help on how to apply to colleges but I don't remember him ever doing that. All I remember is me telling him that I would happily GIVE HIM THE MONEY to go to school if he had a hard time paying for classes. Like I literally did not mind investing in his future.

Third deal breaker.  

Instead of apologising for his inaction, this guy is showing his true colours by blaming you for his own behaviour.  

Edited to add - I disagree with your friend.  Distance does not make the heart grow fonder.   This is why LDRs have a low success rate and we advise no contact for those who are trying to get over a broken heart.  

 

 

Edited April 2, 2020 by basil67

[Emilie Jolie]

6 minutes ago, TexanGal28 said:

Thank you so much Emilie! I really do love him. He is NOT a bad person and I have seen sides to him that make my heart melt. But, a friend of mine who is much older than me and much much wiser reminded me of the saying "If you love someone, let them go" and "Distance makes a heart grow fonder."

Just the thought of us not living together makes me very sad but I know this is what I need to do for us. It is not easy by any means for me. But I need to do it.

After all the hard time I gave you on this thread, here are just as many ((virtual hugs)). You will fine, regardless of what happens between the 2 of you.

[TexanGal28]

2 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Him not taking responsibility for his own actions should be a deal breaker for you.   

Another deal breaker right here.  Who's he kidding

Third deal breaker.  

Instead of apologising for his inaction, this guy is showing his true colours by blaming you for his own behaviour.  

 

 

He did say "Im sorry," but the sentence went like this: "Im sorry that Im such a piece of s*** that I can't get my life together and that I'm such a let down for everyone."

Ugh.

 

[TexanGal28]

6 minutes ago, Emilie Jolie said:

After all the hard time I gave you on this thread, here are just as many ((virtual hugs)). You will fine, regardless of what happens between the 2 of you.

Haha thank you. I am praying very hard that the decision I am making is not the wrong one.

[Emilie Jolie]

1 minute ago, TexanGal28 said:

Haha thank you. I am praying very hard that the decision I am making is not the wrong one.

Time will tell (but I think it's the right one 😉)

[TexanGal28]

12 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Edited to add - I disagree with your friend.  Distance does not make the heart grow fonder.   This is why LDRs have a low success rate and we advise no contact for those who are trying to get over a broken heart.  

 

 

I think the saying is more for couples who are close and need to spend time away from each other.

I know last year in June, I had to go on a trip that lasted four days and during the 2nd day, I could not wait to get home to him.

I also went on a trip to Vegas for a few days without him and I was missing him terribly.

I can't say the same about him, but being away from him makes me really miss him.

We'll see how all of this plays out. I feel like the ball is in his court now. I am 100% willing to meet him half way, but not more than that.

[basil67]

42 minutes ago, TexanGal28 said:

He did say "Im sorry," but the sentence went like this: "Im sorry that Im such a piece of s*** that I can't get my life together and that I'm such a let down for everyone."

Ugh.

 

So on top of him blaming you for not pushing him, he's now giving himself a pity party?     None of this bodes well for any kind of future....and if anything, I think his behaviour now will make you lose even more respect for him.