Need some words of wisdom and someone to talk to about my situation

[Sadlove242]

Hi all I am not usually the type to write on forums especially about love matters. I couldnt even imagine Id really be doing it. I am doing so because I am utterly sad and heartbroken. 
Here goes my story:

we are from different religions. Muslim and christian. We both knew it’s complicated and i dont want to make excuses but did anyone ever feel here that someone is just so endearing to you and you know you would both be happy if only you could express those invisible lines connecting the two of you? That’s the simplest way I can put it. 
 

2 months after our relationship, he went for vacation to his country for 3 weeks. After 1 month, I discovered that he is texting another lady who I think was being paired to him for an arranged marriage. He told me it was his mom and the other lady’s family that proposed the idea and during that time he was in shock and just agreed so now the time to get to know each other came via chatting but that lady is from his country and when he came back obviously it was long distance. He said he didnt love her but he has no choice then he said he will leave everything and that when he came back to his country he was going to tell his mom no marriage. I didnt bother him so mucb about it because i didnt want to choke him but tha pain was utterly inexpressible every single day i wake up that lady and him was on my mind. I became crazy whenever he goes out from office coz he might be on the phone with her. Then now, I am back to my own country and he is still overseas he wants to live with me but i noticed he doesnt texts me that much only like after 2-3 days and i got so mas i said break up. Then he msgd then we talked to be friends better coz i was always thinking bad about him then i didnt text him anymore but he always text after a week then a week again asking me Hi how are you hows eveything etc etc. then i talked to him honestly that i still love him and was he pushing for marriage already but he said no but i asked is he still talking witb her he said yes imagine for a year he told me he is not talking to another but he still was!!! I cant control myself i hate him but i love him and i still want to love him. I told him i will block him but thr next day i unblocked and the vulnerable side of me told him i was sad what is this situation etc etc. help me pls i dont know how to move on how to forget him but i also dont know why he cant stand up for me when he said he will leave everything. I can be with him only if he convert but that is so selfish and i am too sad. Help me pls!! Words of wisdom!!! 

[stillafool]

He isn't going to convert and will more than likely end up marrying the arranged girl.  I have a friend who went with a Muslim guy for 8 years.  He was tall, gorgeous and extremely rich.  He put her through college and paid her bills for 7 years but in the end he married the arranged girl back in his country.  Don't wait for him.

[ExpatInItaly]

This isn't going to work out, OP. The writing is on the wall, unfortunately. It's already over. 

I know it hurts because he made vague promises to you that he can't keep, but it's better to realize this now and move on before you get any more hurt. Saying he was going to leave everything for you is a heck of a lot different than actually doing it, and he's showing you pretty clearly that he's already going along with what his family and culture expect of him. He's not going to give it all up. 

You would be best to stop contact with him. There is no sense prolonging your pain and trying to keep in touch, hoping he will change his mind. The only thing that will do is keep you hooked on false hope right up until the day he actually marries her. 

[Sadlove242]

Thank you both for the replies. Oh My God it is so painful. To think that I was always the chill one before and not showing too much emotion and he was always the vulnerable one. And now it has turned exactly the opposite. God why did I meet that person!!! Im just completely in shock right now and in massive fear about this guy going away for good. 

[Sadlove242]

What’s worse is that I feel like such a loser right now. The guy who used to worship you is fading oh my God, man. It hurts!!!! 

[alphamale]

1 hour ago, stillafool said:

He isn't going to convert and will more than likely end up marrying the arranged girl.  I have a friend who went with a Muslim guy for 8 years.  He was tall, gorgeous and extremely rich.  He put her through college and paid her bills for 7 years but in the end he married the arranged girl back in his country.  Don't wait for him.

^^this

[scooby-philly]

Hey OP,

 

I'm sorry for your pain, your confusion, and your hurt. In any country people from two religions can find it a difficult situation when it comes to dating, even if both parties don't really practice the religion strongly. Even if their parents/family don't practice it strongly. The customs, traditions, expectations, and norms created by a religion can severely impact what a person expects or assumes about a relationship (and the world). If one party comes from a practicing family that makes it tougher (or if they are practicing heavily themselves). If both parties come from families like that, it doubles the difficulty. And while most Christians would like to think themselves "open-minded" and "loving" towards all, many Christians around the world can turn out to be as narrow-minded and conservative as the images the West has of other religions. Now add to that the mix of his family setting up an arranged marriage and that there may be some distance involved between the two of you (either on a regular basis or at least on/off - apologies the situation wasn't clear in your post)...and you just added several more layers of complications. Remember - ACTIONS speak louder than words as we say in the USA. Meaning, people can talk about something and swear up and back to the moon about how they feel about something or someone, but it's their actions that really show their level of commitment. In the USA we also use the phrase "money talks"....meaning where a person spends their money (or on what/who) tells the truth about them. And that can be applied to anything - not just money, but time, energy, resources, etc. If he's not spending his time with you, if he's not communicating as much as you, and if he's not working with you on a clear plan for the future, then he's not the one for you. Even if he changes his mind, I would hazard a guess he would eventually end things with you or there would always be a nagging doubt at the back of his mind. If a man even entertains the thought of an arranged marriage or something where his parents get involved in the mate selection process and he doesn't make it clear right off the bat that he's not interested in that sort of thing, it means that he's still seeking his parents approval on some level. I would guess, but it's just a guess, based on what you shared that his communication level has dropped off now because the proposed "arranged" marriage has put him in an awkward position and whatever culture/familial "obligations" he feels attached to or obedient too have a major impact on him and he can't fully decide. That alone is enough to cut this off and move one. Plus, if he's been putting you through this situation for a whole year - that shows he has no respect for anyone - his family, himself, and most importantly - you. For your own sanity, health, happiness, and future - you need to pull the plug on this. And I do not normally advocate for separations or ending things on here because we only hear one side of a story and there's only so much bias a person can avoid when sharing their hearts/minds with other people. BUT....I think there's enough evidence here that between the cultural/religious differences and his behaviors and his delay in choosing between either you, the arranged marriage, or neither, shows that you want something he cannot give you right now and quite frankly, unless he was to do a sudden 180 and change completely, he won't be able to give you the level of commitment, love, and affection that you desire.

[Sadlove242]

Okay but how do I atleast rise up from being the loser girl into a more dignified one. Coz Ive just basically begged him I want him to convert for me 

[alphamale]

3 minutes ago, Sadlove242 said:

Okay but how do I atleast rise up from being the loser girl into a more dignified one. Coz Ive just basically begged him I want him to convert for me 

you may not have noticed it but very few muslims convert to another religion

[Sadlove242]

Yes I know and it was stupid of me so now i want to be more dignified again 

[stillafool]

54 minutes ago, Sadlove242 said:

Yes I know and it was stupid of me so now i want to be more dignified again 

To who?  Yourself?

[ExpatInItaly]

2 hours ago, Sadlove242 said:

Yes I know and it was stupid of me so now i want to be more dignified again 

You can be dignified moving forward by accepting that there is no future with him and not making any more contact. Easier said than done, of course, but that's what needs to happen to move past this. 

Forgive yourself, too. Was pleading with him to convert a great idea? Well, no. But in the end, it's not the real problem. The real problem was this was an unrealistic prospect from the beginning, and you both got wrapped up in the fantasy of living happily ever after. You're human; it happens. Take it as a lesson learned - when you have to campaign so hard to get someone to be with you, you're knocking on the wrong door. 

[Ellener]

5 hours ago, Sadlove242 said:

I feel like such a loser right now.

That's what's hurting you, so let go of that, you took a chance and presumably have some happy memories, let go of anything else, especially negative labels for yourself. ((((((((((((((((((((((((((( ))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

[mark clemson]

4 hours ago, Sadlove242 said:

Okay but how do I atleast rise up from being the loser girl into a more dignified one. Coz Ive just basically begged him I want him to convert for me 

You're not a loser, you're a victim of circumstance, and it's difficult to lose someone you care about. It also happens to people all over the world, every day. Many, many people have had and recovered from at least one heartbreak in their life. Possibly most people.

Stand up, resolve to pull yourself together emotionally, and move forward one step at a time. Allow yourself the emotions and distress, and even seek therapy if you think you need it.

 

[kendahke]

8 hours ago, Sadlove242 said:

i also dont know why he cant stand up for me when he said he will leave everything.

because no matter what he thinks he feels for you, his culture and respecting his parents is far stronger and that's what he's going to do. He said that to buy some time.

He doesn't want to be ostracized from his family circle and culture and if he defies his mother and takes back up with a non believer, he will feel the wrath of not only his mother, but his society, too--and he may not be strong enough to withstand that kind of treatment.  Self preservation is the strongest urge in the human being and he's not going to upset that apple cart.  If his culture is steeped in arranged marriages and he's been reared with this inevitability all his life, then he's going to put his neck in the yoke and pull.

IIWY, I would cry, get this out of my system, mourn the loss and move on and never get involved with anyone, no matter how much of a soul mate you think they are, who doesn't have either the same belief system as you or isn't willing to be controlled by it.

[Amethyst68]

I'm slightly confused by your post, are you living in different countries just now?

I know several couples that started out as Muslim/Christian. It's a generalisation but in my experience, the ones that have lasted have been where the Christian  has converted.

I doubt this man will go against his entire family for you, after all you're not willing to be with him if he keeps his own faith.

[Sadlove242]

@ExpatInItaly Thank you for those words. I truly appreciate them. I am in a lot of heartache right now and my emotions are fluctuating a lot. One second I feel I can be okay the next I am in panic and my heart pounds. It’s so sad and devastating how there are a million men out there and Id fall for the one whom I cant have. :(((( Oh God what is this! :( 

[Sadlove242]

@Ellener Thank you for that.. You are right :( I do have happy memories with him. And I feel like is this really it? Do you just really give it up? Coz sometimes I feel like other people are so bold that they really go for what they want and then here I am feeling hopeless and utterly sad. :(((( 

[Sadlove242]

@mark clemson Thank you so much for those compassionate words.. This pain is too much but you are right.. one step at a time Oh Goodness this pain seems to me like it’s gonna take forever!! 

[Sadlove242]

@Amethyst68 Yes we are living in different countries now.. he told me he wants to be with me even if he tale any job just to eat and that He will take care of his own fare I dont have to worry. But i truly dont understand how after saying all this, he still keeps in contact with the arranged girl. Maybe he is afraid we wont make it together or Ill also forget him so it’s better to keep the other one? Oh God. This love is bringing out the psycho side of me.  But I feel like I want him so bad!!! The thing is I really am not willing to convert for him too. And as a devout christian, the only way I could fight for him is if he also accepts Jesus as his Lord. This is the core of our evangelical belief. Nevermind the race and color or whatever as long as He accepts Jesus I’ll fight for him. But I think Im shooting this thoughts at a big dart board of false hope and wishful thinking. 

[Sadlove242]

@kendahke thank you so much, you’ve said your piece in the most painful but comforting and beautiful way. I am speechless. Reading your thoughts makes me not want to resent him atleast and be more understanding... Oh God :( 

[Sadlove242]

Hi @scooby-philly, Thank you for your gracious response. Reading it gave me a clearer point of view regarding this matter. I’m so grateful I took the chance to express the situation I am currently facing in this forum. I can’t believe the level of clarity Im getting from each responses I get like yours. Yes, it is truly very hard for two different religions to force a relationship as one might have to compromise and this is a very selfish thing to ask of someone. I know allowing myself to be in this relationship was my first big mistake. It’s true what they say, dont play with fire if you dont want to get burned. And you know, you are right even if a person doesnt even practice, it would still be complicated. I totally understand this now. He is not devout with his religion that’s why my false hopes grew that he might you know, choose to follow me. Ugh such selfishness from me from my mind. I guess I had a lot of regrets too such as I acted too confident and played too hard to get and manipulative on that relationship. My only consolation was that I was loyal and helpful I guess in other aspects where he needed help from me and had no one to turn to. What makes it harder to let go is the fact that he isnt a bad man and I know that if I was from his country and had the same beliefs I know he’d marry me immediately. I know he was sincere when he said he loves me. You just feel it if you silence the background noise/factors and ugh how i wish i could control situations. I just really feel like i have a lot of love and care still I hadnt expressed fully or clearly since I learned of that arranged girl coz I became psychotic and paranoid whenever he was on the phone. 

To answer ur question by the way, yes we are in diff countries again he is still in the country where we met and im back in my home country he said he wants to be with me and begged a lot of times to not forget him and he said he would take any job even cleaner just to eat and be with me. Oh God my heart breaks when he said that. He truly is a good man. I dont want to take that away from him. For my part, I feel like Im willing to fight for him even from my family if he would only atleast open his mind to my religion and to Jesus (I dont mean to sound religious right now Im sorry). I know Ive made the biggest mistake entering this relationship Ive hurt not only him and myself but also grieved my beliefs. But the thing is, if you love someone wont you want to fight for them til the very end? If you could tell them your conditions and they were willing to follow wouldnt you take the chance and fight also? I dont mean fight as in fight. What i mean by fight is you know, be humble in front of people and just quietly let them witness you both are good people who just wants to love peacefully and support each other. 
 

But in the end, you are right, where is the respect when he had continued communication with the arranged girl for almost a year now and what hurts most is that girl is just around 18 or 19 yrs old and he 29 and Im 24 and  even though that’s still young too, it gives me a lot of insecurity and thinking that maybe she’s more fun to talk to and Im so boring or whatever man. Ugh. 

Thank you so much for your generous response. I truly appreciate it! Truly truly grateful!!!  🙂