Getting over my girlfriend's past.

[Razz991]

Hi there,

I have been with my girlfriend for 6 months, and things appear on the surface to be going smoothly, but for me they aren't. 

I really liked her from the start, however, in the first month of our relationship, every single day she would say things like "I was with 8 guys at once before I met you" and she would show me the profiles of her Ex's and explain details about her sexual history with them like some sort of depraved show and tell. Nearly every day she would get messages from random guys from her past asking "wanna root" " wanna f**k X" etc... I was just too naive to speak up about it.

So it took me a month to finally tell her to really shut up about it, and to cease contact with the vast quantity of FWB's etc... Because I just don't want that in my life.

2 months ago I was helping her clean her room, put my hand in bag under the couch without thinking, and pulled out several used condoms. Not mine. From before we met obviously but it made things 10 times worse in my head. And caused me to compulsively wash my hands for the next day. 

5 months later it's still in my head, I can't get it out. To compound the issue I live in a small city, where everyone knows everyone, and I'm constantly reminded of how many guys she's buggered. (Which in itself isn't a bad thing, I just don't want to know)

Thing is she is a really lovely person, and I would like to continue having a relationship with her, I just need to figure a way to change my way of thinking. I don't think it's necessarily bad that she rivals Aphrodite in buggering the whole neighbourhood, but I just want to forget about it. I understand I can't change the past, neither can she, and I'm trying my best to move on from all the nasty stuff that got drilled into my mind.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Kind Regards,
Max 
 

[Juha]

Why would you want to have a relationship with a known "easy" girl?  Obviously it bothers you and she is still acting like that keeping in touch with all the guys

she has been with.  Bag of used condoms?  Really dude?  You think they have been sitting there for all those months from before you started dating her?

What was her excuse for the used condoms?  What did she do about all the guys she is still in contact with that she banged?

]Come on man, wake up!!!

[Juha]

Why would you want to have a relationship with a known "easy" girl?  Obviously it bothers you and she is still acting like that keeping in touch with all the guys

she has been with.  Bag of used condoms?  Really dude?  You think they have been sitting there for all those months from before you started dating her?

What was her excuse for the used condoms?  What did she do about all the guys she is still in contact with that she banged?

]Come on man, wake up!!!

 

Get some respect for yourself.  Do not be pathetic,  you need to talk with your gf, ask her questions about the guys 

Ask about the bag of condoms   ask if she has been with anyone.   See how she answers and acts during this

 

You really need to get a backbone and stand up for yourself.  I am assuming your gf is good looking.

I would be talking and asking all those things.  Telling her where you stand, your boundaries, what you will not accept from her.

Now if you are good with an open relationship then no problem but I do not think you are down with that.  

 

 

[preraph]

Yeah a bag of nasty old condoms is not good no matter how you put a spin on it but I'd be more worried about the hygiene part of it. 

 

Anyway, you need to sit her down and tell her no man wants to hear about that crap and that you are not her gossip girlfriend and that it's a total turn off so listen to her talk about that stuff. 

 

I'm wondering if what you have here is a woman who needs a lot of validation. I mean she's bragging about her conquests as if that should elevate your estimation of her and as well as other people's. I don't know how old she is and young people often make weird mistakes and weird assumptions and do things for reasons that don't make sense. I know I did. Sometimes they're just building up their own confidence because maybe they are a little low on self-esteem. 

 

It's nice that you still like her, but I certainly agree she has some boundary issues telling you all this stuff. And I would definitely ask her what on Earth a bag of dirty condoms is doing there. She needs to know it's a turn off not a turn on. Further evidence of her boundary issues are these texts she's getting. So yeah I think she likes a lot of validation which can certainly be a problem. 

[usa1ah]

Run just run. She will never be faithful to you. 

[kendahke]

Max... nothing is going to spin the earth backwards to the time before she began offloading her f-ery onto you about exactly who hasn't had a turn on the knob.

Therefore, you're going to have to find a way to shut down the thoughts before they sprout legs strong enough to take you the distance or leave her be.

I'd be done with her for her being so nasty as to leave a bag full of used condoms under her couch. I mean, who does that? She doesn't have trash pick up in her neighborhood?

Edited April 1, 2020 by kendahke

[ThorntonMelon]

Decide if you really want to be with her. 

Decide if you trust she's exclusive to you.

If yes to 1 and 2, talk to a therapist about how to process it. Past is past. 

[Marc878]

Sometimes when you get dealt a real bad hand it’s better to just fold it rather than play it.

Past history is a great predictor of the future

[Juha]

To be honest it does not sound like all this is in her past.

 

It seems very present to this day

[SincereOnlineGuy]

22 hours ago, Razz991 said:

Hi there,

I have been with my girlfriend for 6 months, and things appear on the surface to be going smoothly, but for me they aren't. 

I really liked her from the start, however, in the first month of our relationship, every single day she would say things like "I was with 8 guys at once before I met you" and she would show me the profiles of her Ex's and explain details about her sexual history with them like some sort of depraved show and tell. Nearly every day she would get messages from random guys from her past asking "wanna root" " wanna f**k X" etc... I was just too naive to speak up about it.

So it took me a month to finally tell her to really shut up about it, and to cease contact with the vast quantity of FWB's etc... Because I just don't want that in my life.

2 months ago I was helping her clean her room, put my hand in bag under the couch without thinking, and pulled out several used condoms. Not mine. From before we met obviously but it made things 10 times worse in my head. And caused me to compulsively wash my hands for the next day. 

5 months later it's still in my head, I can't get it out. To compound the issue I live in a small city, where everyone knows everyone, and I'm constantly reminded of how many guys she's buggered. (Which in itself isn't a bad thing, I just don't want to know)

Thing is she is a really lovely person, and I would like to continue having a relationship with her, I just need to figure a way to change my way of thinking. I don't think it's necessarily bad that she rivals Aphrodite in buggering the whole neighbourhood, but I just want to forget about it. I understand I can't change the past, neither can she, and I'm trying my best to move on from all the nasty stuff that got drilled into my mind.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Kind Regards,
Max 
 

 

Well heck, we need more information  about this far-flung story.

 

Are you guys each seventeen?   or are you thirty-nine?

Used condoms under the bed of an adult female not in her parents home is considerably disturbing on a purely psychological level.

 

IF they were in the room of a teenager, at least one might guess that they're there because she didn't want the whole household to (see evidence).

 

Furthermore, if she's young-ish, and still effectively (bragging) about ninesomes (lol)  (or "trains")...    one might have to question whether they're true, or whether her insecurity is just creating fictional stories.

I don't think your thinking  is too far off... but we here just need some CONTEXT.

[sandylee1]

Is there a shortage of girls in your area? Why are you settling for this girl who sleeps around....8 guys at once? Really.... and she brags about it like she's won an oscar. 

[smackie9]

Her yappin about her exploits should have been a deal breaker. Gosh it would be one for me if some guy I just started dating felt the need to be explicit in his sexual past. I find that disgusting tbh. She's not sweet she's nasty. If that is all she can be proud about......

[elaine567]

My guess, she was a victim of child sexual abuse.
You can't "fix" her, or make a stable monogamous gf out of her, she needs professional help.

[rjc149]

What exactly are your expectations with a girl who is 99.99998% likely still running around town, and actually rubbing it in your face? Have a long-term relationship with her? Be her one and only? You gonna marry her lol? 

So, assuming this thread isn't just flame bait, what exactly are you trying to do? Turn a nasty ho into a housewife? Or learn to accept the fact that your "girlfriend" is a ho? Because along with accepting that, you'll need to accept that you are making an utter fool of yourself, and that will lower your status in your social circles and make you less attractive to other girls. No girl wants to go out with the desperate loser who commits to the town's public semen receptacle. 

This is clear: her interest level in you is NOWHERE NEAR your interest level in her. She's telling you these things to keep you at a distance. She's telling you these things because she wants to make very clear that she is keeping her options open and playing the field. A girl who wants to be thought highly of, ie. by a guy she's very attracted to, would guard these secrets with her last breath. 

[d0nnivain]

It's one thing to get over somebody's past.  It's something else all together to have to deal with it in your present. 

She's not a lovely person.  A lovely person would not have a bag of used condoms under her couch.  That is just gross.  A lovely person would not share all the details of her sex life with you.  She would not show you pictures of her past FWBs & give you details about what they did together.  Saying something general like she's been involved in orgies -- cause what else would you call 9 people at a time, 8 guys plus her, a train ? -- would be one thing but her rubbing your nose in her wild escapades is a problem.  

[Caauug]

On 4/1/2020 at 8:47 AM, Razz991 said:

I really liked her from the start, however, in the first month of our relationship, every single day she would say things like "I was with 8 guys at once before I met you" and she would show me the profiles of her Ex's and explain details about her sexual history with them like some sort of depraved show and tell. Nearly every day she would get messages from random guys from her past asking "wanna root" " wanna f**k X" etc... I was just too naive to speak up about it.

So it took me a month to finally tell her to really shut up about it, and to cease contact with the vast quantity of FWB's etc... Because I just don't want that in my life.

You got the "Easy Girl" as you were having a girl dry spell? You looked like you would be a good guy to settle down with, all the other boys are "Here for a good time, not a long time"? She is being truthful and not hiding her past like a lot try. Maybe her bio clock says it is still play time but look for beta provider and you are considering the position for a little smoo???

On 4/1/2020 at 8:47 AM, Razz991 said:

To compound the issue I live in a small city, where everyone knows everyone, and I'm constantly reminded of how many guys she's buggered. (Which in itself isn't a bad thing, I just don't want to know)

Isn't a bad thing? But that is what this thread is all about!!!! 

If you are going to stick it out with her, I suggest you both get out of that small city that everyone knows her reputation... She has made the rounds and everyone will still remember that in 30+ years.... She could turn into the greatest little house wife and act as pure as the freshly fallen snow but people will still remember her as a "Good Time Girl"..... That lives next door.

"I just don't want to know" But you DO know, and so does everyone else!!!! 

Never share counts, but when you know her count is many times more than yours because of reputation and a reputation that never goes away???? It's not worth the fight to suppress your concerns. Everyone has history but when that history is known city wide by every bloke that had a poke....

Do not make it your quest in life to "Save Her" from the reputation she has made herself and women's liberation says she has every right to make.

Good Luck to you Max. Stay off the plantation. 

 

[NomiMalone]

On 4/5/2020 at 6:58 AM, rjc149 said:

She's telling you these things because she wants to make very clear that she is keeping her options open and playing the field. A girl who wants to be thought highly of, ie. by a guy she's very attracted to, would guard these secrets with her last breath. 

This would be true in most cases. In this case tho I think it might be the opposite - OP’s girlfriend uses her sex appeal to feel validated, maybe it’s always worked for her in the past, and in her own eyes actually believes that bragging about having slept with loads of guys would make her seem more desirable to OP. To her, the more guys she sleeps with, the more attractive she feels. It’s warped but I think there’re damaged people out there who think like that. It’s very sad and OP’s girlfriend needs help. If she knew what people in their small town really thought of her, she’d be devastated. I don’t think she’s necessarily cheating... she just sounds like a very, very damaged woman.

[rjc149]

2 hours ago, NomiMalone said:

This would be true in most cases. In this case tho I think it might be the opposite - OP’s girlfriend uses her sex appeal to feel validated, maybe it’s always worked for her in the past, and in her own eyes actually believes that bragging about having slept with loads of guys would make her seem more desirable to OP. To her, the more guys she sleeps with, the more attractive she feels. It’s warped but I think there’re damaged people out there who think like that. It’s very sad and OP’s girlfriend needs help. If she knew what people in their small town really thought of her, she’d be devastated. I don’t think she’s necessarily cheating... she just sounds like a very, very damaged woman.

Yes, you're probably somewhat right... this is almost a male "player" pattern of thinking.  I also think the OP and this girl are fairly young, possibly even teens. Her action/consequence processing abilities haven't fully formed yet, and this type of self-destruction is seen as an affirmation of identity (like doing porn, getting facial tattoos, etc) that validates her existence. 

Even promiscuous girls I've encountered in life, while obviously profoundly insecure and emotionally damaged, would only play up their experience around men they weren't interested in, because they enjoyed being the dangling carrot in front of horny, drooling idiots. But the slutty behavior would get toned down if not hidden altogether around guy they were interested in romantically. I think it's likely that this girl sees the OP as a horny drooling idiot who is a convenient source of validation, not a serious romantic prospect. 

[d0nnivain]

2 hours ago, NomiMalone said:

- OP’s girlfriend uses her sex appeal to feel validated, maybe it’s always worked for her in the past, and in her own eyes actually believes that bragging about having slept with loads of guys would make her seem more desirable to OP. 

This insight is why she's a poor prospect for a good long term partner.  It's not that she had these wild escapades in the past.  It's that she highlights them inappropriately in the present that makes her unsuitable.  

[Poutrew]

The reason she never bothered to get rid of the bag of condoms is because they are her trophies. Or a midnight snack - and if you kiss her, they're your midnight snack as well...