Got a second chance but....

[Boxerhd]

Thanks. I like how you said that sticking around would make me less attractive. It makes me less attractive to myself. I think once I get through this crap I will grow from this. You’re right it’s the fantasy I’m stuck in. She is a poor excuse for an adult and to honest I don’t talk like that about people. I always distance myself politely from someone I don’t find will help me grow or I can’t help them somehow. 
it was nice before. I was indifferent. Somehow I hooked her. Didn’t think it would happen and didn’t care really. So why I care now is beyond me. 

Edited April 5, 2020 by Boxerhd

[Boxerhd]

She just wants to be a trophy wife. Nothing wrong with what she wants if that’s what she’s feels is right. I’m just not a trophy wife kind of guy. 

[Difficultstuff]

Not much to add, just want to be another voice agreeing with the majority of what's been said already, and supporting the process of gaining insight that you're on. 

It was your indifference that hooked her. You were a challenge. I've been there, been indifferent, been pursued by women, and then, once hooked (she hooked you more than you hooked her), got caught in the emotional drama in ways similar to how you describe.

You care because you care. Good for you. Maybe she cares for you in some ways, or at some level - but obviously not enough or in the way you need, or in a way that is responsive to your care for her. Sounds like you've got a good sense of that now and are becoming able to move beyond her, which is just part of the process.

[scooby-philly]

On 4/4/2020 at 2:24 AM, Boxerhd said:

Bpd or psychopathy doesn’t explain her intentions, just her actions. I don’t have money just ambition and a hard work ethic. Unless she was physically attracted and that my ego being fed. The sex was unreal. Maybe that’s why I can’t let go. The sprinkles of intimacy was what got me hooked. I’m 75% there though.
I emailed her tonight just to test the waters. I had a couple of beers. Im feeling better, honestly. I’m very close to letting go and realizing it’s her loss. 

Hey @Boxerhd - Sorry I didn't respond the last few days, I don't check the boards every day and since you didn't tag me I didn't get a notification of your response. Plenty of great advice on here - but I pulled together a number of things you and @Beachead said from Page 2 of the thread to point a few things out.  My comments are for the quotes above each reaction from me. I've highlighted the key words/phrases from what you and Beachie shared. 

Emotional/psychological issues DO explain a person's intention, not just their behavior. The problem is you've probably never dealt with someone on this level of "crazy" before and part of you is still trying to justify your actions in the relationship, protect your ego because you fell for her and fell for her b.s. for a period of time, and because you don't know how to let go. And others pointed it out - you're not close to letting her go. If you're tempted to email her once a month, okay, that's close. You did email her....so you're not "close". Back to the intention/action thing - you have to learn that behaviors over a period of time (a "trend") do point and reveal a person's "intentions". The problem is that as humans we do not always understand ourselves, what's going on in our minds, what our own needs/wants/dreams/hopes/fears/etc. are - and with someone with this level of psychological/emotional trauma, she's even more oblivious than the average person as to WHY she's doing what she's going. People with BPD or Sociopaths/Psychopaths do no possess the same emotional toolkit the rest of us do. Whether it was caused by one traumatic event, the overall milieu of their upbringing, a chemical/physiological problem, or some combo thereof, there's a "hole" in their "soul", a "need" that they don't recognize on their own that drives them to fill that they way they learned in childhood. Your ex (and keep calling her you ex - that's one of 300 things you can do to help yourself and your "inner child" move on) has a number of issues - and she's not ready to address them yet cause she doesn't even recognize them as issues. Your self-esteem is worth more than that.

On 4/4/2020 at 9:41 AM, Boxerhd said:

It was a short email. Two sentences. I wish I didn’t do it but what’s the difference at this point? 

Your language helps determine your outlook on life. It's like that quote that goes something like "watch your thoughts because your thoughts become words, your words become behaviors, your behaviors become your values, and your values become your destiny. Simply put - repetitive thoughts/actions/choices have a larger consequence. What you need to do is reframe things. Why does it matter that you emailed her - because it signals to your subconscious that you still need/want her. Not saying that you hide or bury the true emotions. But the rational you, the mature you, the adult you knows she's not healthy for you, you're not meant to be together, and that when you're with her you let her get away with murder, so your words need to match your conscious thoughts and beliefs.

22 hours ago, Boxerhd said:

. I was genuine and truthful with her from day one and it sucks that it wasn’t enough. I can tell there are sides of her that we’re real and that’s who I fell for. Not this crap that she’s pulling.

i can call her out on all of this and I wouldn’t be making anything up. She’ll never have a happy relationship while her parents take care of her and she is looking to replace that with a “successful” man. That’s not the type of person I am though. I want her to be truly happy. It’s not a white knight routine it’s just a honest observation. What I think a relationship should be founded on is genuine connection and transparency and I believe it’s the healthy way to build something good. Things could crumble later based on other factors but at least it would be real while it lasts. This wasn’t real. 

1. Yes, it sucks. It blows. It sucks a mean fat cock. No way around that. And the biggest part of recovery is...in my experience and opinion - not running from the darkness. You have to run into it, stay in it, and then emerge from it like the earth going through night in order to emerge into day. And while your ego hurts you cannot blame yourself for falling in love with her. A person's heart is not completely, or even majority, under the control of our rational mind. This kind of thing happens all the time. That's why so many toxic people (women or men) can find their way into a new relationship and not be forced to change.  And yeah, it hurts beyond compare to realize you were the best you could be in the relationship and it wasn't enough. And that's like 75% of the pain you're feeling right now - a bruised ego and rejection. But...take solace in knowing that if you didn't feel this way I would worry because it would mean you're not capable of fully loving someone. And laugh at yourself a bit - if this was the 3rd woman to do this to you I would say I'm worried you're feeling this way because it would mean you've got more major problems than you do and that you've learned nothing from the past. So laugh and cry. Both are good medicine.

2. Beachead helped me with this 5-6 months ago. You cannot worry or focus or daydream or imagine or fantasize what is good or bad for her, you can't fantasize about how if things were different, if she were different, and you can do those things when it comes to her future. All of those things feed a spiraling mind, they take the pressure off of you from owning how you enabled the behavior and degraded your self-worth by putting up with it, and it helps your ego block itself from the true feeling of emptiness that you need to feel in order to truly heal and move on.

3. Don't belittle the times, the love, the memories, the great sex, etc. Accept them for what they are and realize that in 5 years you will (most likely) be able to look back without any feeling or you will simply remember the "feeling(s)" you had at certain points and recognize the feelings from the past without triggering anything whatsoever. Will happen sooner of course, but just saying there is a bright future ahead of you. Everyone has their lessons to learn and now you've learned this one, which a lot of decent men, unfortunately, have to learn the hard way. 

20 hours ago, Boxerhd said:

It’s as if she doesn’t know what she’s even doing. The thinks it’s normal to say “we’re not fighting right?” To totally blocking me. You’re right this is a huge learning experience. It’s a rollercoaster and I wanted off but she kept me on until she didn’t need me anymore. Maybe it’s an ego thing for me that I also have to get over, not just her. This is definitely a hard one. 
she could’ve just said hey I don’t think we should see each other. Not this open ended thing where “you’re blocked but let’s do something later.” Sad part is I’m waiting to hear from her. Not sure if it’s to tell her to F off or to get back in to it for her or for the sex. I know I shouldn’t do either of those  and just ignore her or politely ask her to stop but I’m afraid of the impulse that got me here (quicker).  

 

1. As Guy says in Diners, Drive-ins, and Dives - Winner Winner, Chicken Dinner!!! You hit the nail on the head with a short, but 118% accurate statement. Use that as an anchor point. Go back to it several times as day as a reminder, even when you're not missing her or spiraling, or sunk down. She doesn't know what she's doing. Boom. Simple, easy explanation that encapsulates the problems in the relationship and her problems. 

2. The more time you fantasize (and I don't mean it in a sexual way) about her, possible scenarios, playing things out in your head, the longer she has control over you (or a part of you). Tell your mind "we won't go there" when you catch yourself doing it. Again - words, especially your words to yourself - matter!!!

17 hours ago, Beachead said:

@Boxerhd

What does that tell you about her? 

When someone consistently treats you badly, sticking around teaches them you're okay with being treated like garbage.  It teaches them you have no self-respect for yourself and if they know you're not respecting yourself, they won't either.    So she destroyed the relationship  by putting you in a position where you are forced walk away because not doing so makes you look weak/unattractive and is wronging yourself.

Its pointless because this girl is not down for a longterm relationship with you.  She proved that by her actions.  She's uncommitted, unreliable and the only reason she'd be in this with you is for what she can get from you.  As soon as your use for her is done, she'll ditch you all over again...and when that happens you'll feel 100X worse...because it'll be 6 months later.  Or 1 year later.  Maybe 2 years later.   That's more life gone.  More sacrificed.  More time and energy away from the better people and activities you could have involved yourself.  Opportunities would be lost because you'd still be stuck in the past over this undeserving, poor excuse for an adult. The worst part?  You'll have no one to blame but yourself. 

The girl you thought she was or hoped for, doesn't exist.  She was a fantasy.  This is the reality.

And believe m..if its not this guy, it'll be the next.  If its not the next one, it'll be the one after that.  So on...so forth.  She may return to you but at best, you will be a pitstop.  A time-passer.  A backup plan.  

So, if or when that time comes she contacts you, I hope you make the right call for yourself.

- Beach

1. You said something in a message I didn't quote - but on most forms of social media (not all) you can block someone even after they block you. And for the ones you can't - here's a novel idea - DELETE THEM. Unless it's absolutely necessary for your work (which you shouldn't use for personal things anyway) - get off of social media platforms where you cannot block her for 3,4,6 months. YOU WILL NOT DIE!!!

2. Beachead is spot on. Often, we fall for the "idea" of someone - not the real person. It sucks, it's a blow to our egos, and after things end, it leaves us (especially good people hurt by not-so good people) wondering "what if". Well, that "what if" is a fantasy. As beachead said in another response - you have to take the person lock stock and barrel as they are NOW. Because people will change and life will shape you both and life will happen to you both - so the only way a couple lasts 20, 30, 40 years or more is by being right for each other NOW so that you can build a root system (I love the image of two trees or maybe two trunks sharing the same root system). If it wasn't right NOW...then it's not worth it NOW. Trust me, I'm not just speaking words. Beachead knows and I've shared a number of times on here. I'm 38 - 2.5 months away from being 39. Right after I turned 36 I met someone much younger than me - she was 22 and just graduated from college. I wasn't really looking for someone that young - but we started talking and I didn't realize her age until we had setup a date. At that point, hey, what did I have to lose?. Well - I lost two years of my life. Now, I can't beat myself up and don't any more for meeting her, for falling for her, or for falling in love with her. But I really lost like 14-18 months because at 7 months in she revealed she had no capacity to work through things, she threatened abandonment (she also threatened self-harm), and no matter how loving, kind, patient, gentle, etc. I was I couldn't really get her to open up with her emotions, her sexuality, etc. And her parents forbade her from dating until she was completely finished pursuing her education (which would have been done like 4 years after we met because she was pursuing an advanced degree) and yeah, she still lived at home and had no real dating experience prior to me. For anyone else reading all of this - yes, feel free to laugh at me. I let my self-worth die in order to keep the relationship alive. I'm not a saint, I'm not perfect, and I don't like being a martyr. But I can look back and laugh at myself now for being so foolish to not only keep things going when she refused to tell her parents about me for so long, but also because of the way she treated me at times and the obvious immaturity. I stopped doing a lot of things and stopped living my life because I was "hooked" and too afraid to admit I had made a mistake.

On 4/3/2020 at 7:58 PM, Beachead said:

@Boxerhd

This is one of those relationships where for some particular reason, the other person is running the old hot and cold routine on us and in the process, keeping our mind stuck on them.  We end up blaming ourselves for their unstable behaviour, forever trying to make sense of their actions.  The months go by and the damage piles on we slowly lose ourselves in this disaster.  Its absolutely destructive to ones well-being. 

I've only ever dated girls like this in the past and after 3 of them, it was very clear to me that learning to take care of yourself is absolutely crucial   If you don't know how to do that, you attract people like this and you likely end up keeping them in your life because you don't think you deserve better or don't think you can do better.  Its very likely that I was the cause of my own relationship problems because of how I treated myself.   The longer you stay in this drama with her, the more you'll feel that way.  The more you end up perceiving everything else in your life from these eyes and the more the rest of your life will suffer.  Pretty soon, you won't be able to enjoy anything else in life because you're miserable about this, so you miss out on all the good that comes your way; good times with friends and family,  good girls you could have had a relationship with etc.   Don't underestimate the power of people like this.  They break you down from the inside out.  

If you want the pain to stop, you're going to have to do the last thing you want to do; cut her off.    Think of yourself as a drug addict.  She is your drug.  She is terrible for you and you know it but you can't stop using because of that momentary good feeling you get from the the interactions.  But that high wears off and you're back to feeling like garbage.   She's the cause of your pain but you feel like she's the fix.   The thing is..right now, you're still used to her coming back.  Even when she blocks you, its temporary.   You haven't experienced what permanently cutting connection off feels like yet and once you do it, you're going to find yourself experiencing feelings you never felt, separation anxiety, and just general withdrawal symptoms.  Your mind is going to try and get you back to her but it'll be the last thing you need.   If you persevere through this painful process, you're going to come out clean and good..but if you give in and respond to her or reach out or continue engagement, you'll be back to pain all over again.  The worst part is, it'll be your fault.

So you need to eliminate all mediums that'll trigger a relapse.  Social Media, her number when she calls.  Old gifts, possessions.  Anything that triggers a memory.  It has to leave your sight.   I'd start by blocking her on social media and blocking her number.  After awhile when she realizes she doesn't have you anymore, she's going to pull out all stops and try things to get your attention in ways that'll be very tempting to respond to.  That'll likely happen around the time you're dealing with your withdrawal and probably after that.  It'll be rough...but nothing's going to change there.  Absolutely nothing.  If she was going to be with you, she'd be with you.   Sure, she might come back and you two might talk for a couple of days..maybe have a night of sex when she wants it..but then she'll do what she does and leave again.   What you're sticking around for is who you want to her to be...not who she actually is.  See this thing for what it is..not what you want it to be or hope for it to be.    It doesn't matter whether you two had good moments..the reality is those good moments are far outweighed by the damage she is causing.   Something you might need to do is really delve into yourself and ask yourself why you don't want to break free?  What is it about her?  The reason often has more to do with what's going on inside us than our exes.

I hope you find that advice well.  I know its a tough read.

- Beach

 

Just highlighted some points from Beachie. Can't improve on them - so boom!

[Boxerhd]

@scooby-philly

just now realized I can tag. Thank you for that thorough response. I definitely see the merit in not hanging on to this and I’ve been feeling better about it. It all kind of relates to any relationship whether she has a disorder or not. 
i find myself wondering why block me and then realize I shouldn’t care. I’m not sure about deleting my social media at this time. I have a strong feeling she won’t be back. I think that she’s too prideful and she will probably think of me as some guy she used to date. To be honest I don’t think she saw much in me besides how I treated her and the sex we had. She’s not stupid and is definitely in control of her emotions but that’s also her downfall. She doesn’t know how to be vulnerable without an endgame in sight. That’s what I took out of this mess and you’re right, I don’t need that stress in my life. Chances are she won’t reach out so no need for me to shut myself out of my own social life. At least that’s how I feel. 

[scooby-philly]

36 minutes ago, Boxerhd said:

@scooby-philly

just now realized I can tag. Thank you for that thorough response. I definitely see the merit in not hanging on to this and I’ve been feeling better about it. It all kind of relates to any relationship whether she has a disorder or not. 
i find myself wondering why block me and then realize I shouldn’t care. I’m not sure about deleting my social media at this time. I have a strong feeling she won’t be back. I think that she’s too prideful and she will probably think of me as some guy she used to date. To be honest I don’t think she saw much in me besides how I treated her and the sex we had. She’s not stupid and is definitely in control of her emotions but that’s also her downfall. She doesn’t know how to be vulnerable without an endgame in sight. That’s what I took out of this mess and you’re right, I don’t need that stress in my life. Chances are she won’t reach out so no need for me to shut myself out of my own social life. At least that’s how I feel. 

Re-read that phrase I put in bold then re-read what I said in my last response about what you need to let go of and why and then read what you just wrote in the paragraph after what I put in bold. You're still doing it....  And it's not a question of "stupidity". Most manipulators of some sort aren't "stupid". They couldn't do what they do without a level of intelligence. The only thing you need to worry about is you want what I call a "real relationship" where you share the ups and downs of life TOGETHER, you build things TOGETHER, you share joys, success, happiness, down times, bad times, good times, great sex, cuddles, quiet dinners at home, pandemics  (lol), TOGETHER. Your ex wants a superficial relationship that feeds the hole in her soul and she's incapable of the level/type of relationship you want. That's the end of it, move on and heal, grow, and go into and through and out of the darkness. 

And the part about her "probably" not reaching out to you - that's called bulls***. You block her so she can't. Period. End of story.  

[Boxerhd]

@scooby-philly

I see what you’re saying. Maybe I’m not close, you’re right. There is a part of me that wants to believe that none of this is real and maybe it’s easier to blame myself for the fallout because I don’t want to admit that her behavior was something that was outside of either of our control. I want it to be real, in other words. It’s too late now obviously. I would be a lot happier if I could spend time with friends and do things like meet new people. That’s another reason this post is now almost 4 pages long. I get bored and it just floods my mind again. Comes in waves. 
 

Can you explain what you mean by going in to the darkness? I don’t want to shut myself off or form any bad habits!  

[Difficultstuff]

@Boxerhd :  @scooby-philly 's long post that I liked is epic and brilliant. It's more direct than I usually am, but says everything needed (and is helpful to me too - a lot of familiar stuff there.)

I wouldn't generally want to go so far on here as to label someone as having BPD or being whatever, but that's really besides the point: she's got issues, she's hurt you a lot, and will definitely hurt you again if you let her - she's still doing it now by flooding your mind. And yep, this stuff comes in waves, and yes it sucks. But they will subside in time IF you accept what's happened, keep on reframing it, and really understand that her behaviour isn't your concern now.

To pick up on two things you've said:

1. If you've got any kind of endgame you're not being vulnerable. They're antithetical to each other. True vulnerability is always entirely honest in my experience.

2. @scooby-philly can say what he meant by going 'into the darkness', but I assume that he means

19 hours ago, scooby-philly said:

owning how you enabled the behavior and degraded your self-worth by putting up with it

and then feeling 'the true feeling of emptiness that you need to feel in order to truly heal and move on.' But doing this without losing your self-respect and balance. Ride those waves...

[scooby-philly]

@Difficultstuff - Yes, exactly what I meant. You have to go through the darkness (or into it) completely in order to emerge on the other side "completely healed". Not that there won't be scar tissue afterwards.  But if you want to truly avoid making the same mistake again (and really, the same mistake is not necessarily meeting someone like her (it may happen) or even developing feelings for her, but not running away immediately when you realize what's going on). I learned that lesson the hard way. I was shy and had low self-esteem and thought I was too ugly, stupid, unsuccessful to meet someone and my friendships/family also helped shape me (because I let them) into someone who didn't understand their own worth and stuck around when it was clear I wasn't living my life as I wanted to, I wasn't getting my needs met, and I wasn't honoring myself. So even though I had a terrible break up 7 years ago with an ex-fiancee and then proceeded to (after I thought I went through the "darkness" and healed) date someone who was a complete psycho/BPD for a whole year and even after that, I still fell into the same trap because every time I healed I focus on the wrong thing. I didn't step back far enough or go into the darkness far enough to discover the true underlying issue.

 

And yeah - I try to be polite and nice but at times it's also good to just give people the hard (and cold) truth. Especially for decent guys. We need to learn that there's a fine line between being a "good man" and being the proverbial "nice guy" that gets walked all over, used, devalued, etc.

[Difficultstuff]

@scooby-philly, Don't want to thread hijack but I recognise a lot of what you say. I'm a little older than you, 42, but came here because I fell in love with someone a lot younger who was engaged to someone else. She wasn't as manipulative or damaged or ultimately damaging as someone who really screwed me up in my late 20s, but some of the patterns were still quite similar - it's made me have to go further into my own insecurities than before - and start really thinking about how to heal and face my own past. It's an ongoing process.

@Boxerhd , you sound like you're moving through this well, even if it doesn't feel like that. Am sure it sucks more with the lack of opportunity to go out right now, but that's also a good time to get used to this woman being part of the past, not in the future when things ease up.

All best.

Edited April 6, 2020 by Difficultstuff

[scooby-philly]

@Difficultstuff - I feel your pain. I wasn't necessarily looking for someone 14 years younger than me. And so much of what I learned in the past 7.5 months - I should have learned either the last time in a relationship or even years ago after going through a messy split up with an ex-fiancee. It's tough. We all want to be loved. We all want to be wanted and feel like someone knows we want them. And a lot of us want affection and quality time and quality touch from our partners. Not saying that all "age gap" relationships are doomed from the start, but I learned that the basic truth is the same - sure, 5-8, maybe 10 years is okay - depending on the ages involved. But the bigger the gap, the more likely it's true that you'll both be in "different stages' in life. And even if you have the same values, wants, needs, lifestyle, etc. - so much depends on the person's experience, personality, and their upbringing. I'm not perfect, I'm not free of faults or things I need to work on, improve, etc. But I was truly open, vulnerable, loving, caring, kind, and patient. In the end, she was just inexperienced with dating, she had no self-esteem, she couldn't open up, and she wasn't comfortable with herself. Combine that with living at home with shaming, bitter, isolated parents (who were also immigrants) and yeah - it was not ever going to work out because she could never tell them about me and she could never bring herself to rebel and just live her life. Her "good girl" persona was more important than the relationship with me. And the fact that after 2 years she ran without talking to me to my face showed how little she really cared for another person's feelings. But the pain, and it was worse than I could have imagined (despite me knowing in my gut that there were all these problems with her and our relationship), has forced me to realize that I was not really comfortable speaking my own needs, pursuing my own wants, and have spent my life (including with friendships and family relationships) waiting for others to change instead of just living my life and realizing that the idea a lot of us have in our brains about how "life", "love", and "family" should work or look like is a fairy tale. I'm a "good man" that had to learn not to be the "nice guy". And we can move forward, live our lives, and find joy, happiness, and eventually a partner, along the way. 7.5 months and my inner child (I call him my little dude) is still struggling to let the last of her go. But I know that's because he built a fantasy up in his mind of what she was like instead of seeing her/the relationship for what they were - and that my job now is to help him let go by giving him time, giving him attention, giving him love, and giving him positive self-talk so he learns that deserves better and that I can build my self-worth back up.

[scooby-philly]

One more thing to add that jumped into my mind because of a thread I read and responded to in the past few days. (To be honest, it could be this one....I just don't want to go searching for it lol).

People need to be able to talk about their inner selves, share their feelings, and be open with each other. Otherwise, the roots are not as strong as they could be. And the more closed off they are, the weaker those roots will be. I know that with my last ex. Her "cut and run" after 2 years was facilitated by the fact that she didn't, in all likelihood, develop the same level of feelings or commitment to me as I did to her, because we wasn't able to open up, share her feelings, share her hopes and dreams, be authentic and un-apologetically herself with me - no matter how loving, kind, patient, encouraging, supportive, etc. I was. Part of that was her upbringing. But once you're an adult you have to take ownership of your life and decide who you want to be. If you partner doesn't give you a chance to help fix things then there's nothing else you can do when things end except move on. It hurts like a biatch, but that's part of the thing about reaching true maturity and finding a real healthy, loving, mutually giving and emotionally stable and adult relationship. 

[Beachead]

@scooby-philly Thanks for the love Scooby and great post btw.

@Boxerhd

On 4/4/2020 at 10:27 PM, Boxerhd said:

So why I care now is beyond me. 

Its not entirely a voluntary thing friend.  Our brains are proven to actually adapt to assist our most dominant thoughts and actions.  We end up developing habitual behaviours.  So if we're complain often, we get used to complaining.  If we practice learning to see the good from the bad, we get used to it.  If we spend a lot of our time alone, we get used to it.   It becomes comfortable, expected.  Since you  spent quite some time getting used to being with her, talking to her, hanging out with her,  expecting to hear from her, fighting with her etc.  you got used to that.  Then the routine stopped because the relationship ended but your brain's operating as if you're in a relationship (Yesterday's programming which doesn't apply to today) so there is this disconnect.  It translates to you feeling this void in your life.  You check your phone 100X a day.  You can't stop thinking about her. You feel heartache and pain in your chest because of it.  You don't sleep well.  Maybe you don't have much of an appetite.  Its also the reason why we often want to run back to people who have hurt us.   You're just at the mercy of the physiological processes going on within your body, at the moment.  That'll slowly stop with time.  

Now that doesn't mean you're entirely helpless right now.  You can also begin doing new things in your life to develop new habits which will reprogram eventually.   For starters,  6 months without talking to her may get you to notice you're not thinking about her as much by then.   Maybe she's still the first and last thing on your mind in your day to day, but the thoughts don't hit as deep.  Maybe you are still triggered by certain things but the pain only lasts a few days, rather than a few weeks..and you can get through your day to day tasks much more easily.   

Just make sure you are letting yourself feel what you have to feel.  Give yourself permission to do so.  Its okay to be pissed.  Its okay to feel depressed.  It's okay to think unreasonable things.  This is what Scooby means by letting the darkness in.  For you to heal, you have to allow yourself to freely feel without restriction so that you can understand what the pain is, no matter how unreasonable it may seem to others.  This process isn't about anyone else and their feelings..its about getting you back to yourself again.  When you are real with yourself, only then will you process your pain accurately and successfully build yourself back up.  A lot of people out there skip this part or try to get in the way of this, and they do themselves a great disservice.  If you bury or run or try to control the pain, it'll manifest itself in other ways in your life, through your behaviour and choices which can then affect you negatively.  It can impact the way you treat people.  It can impact your career.  You may choose to do things because of that pain without even realizing it.  With more bad things happening in your life, you'll spiral down further.   I've seen a lot of people lose their way due to bad coping mechanisms..my ex included.     

But..stay grounded.  Stay balanced.  Your best tool for this is Journaling.  4 exercises I used for myself which I think you will find quite useful are:

1. Vent your thoughts out.  Over time, you'll see what's on your mind and you'll see the patterns that emerge such as your most dominant thoughts.  (You can do this everyday or a few times a week or once a week.  However many times you feel like doing it basically)

2. Negatively reinforce what she ultimately did to you and how it made you feel.  You can also reinforce negative qualities about her that bothered you during the relationship.  As time goes on and you start to develop clarity about your situation, you may start to even piece together why your relationship ended.  This will counter those days where you'll find yourself missing her and ruminating on good times which may tempt you to contact her.   It'll especially serve you well, if she ever unblocks you and contacts you instead. 

3. Reinforce 1 or 2 things that you're grateful for in your life and/or 1 or 2 things that get you through your day (You can do this every morning quickly).  This gets your mind opening up to the good things in your life.  Gets you to appreciate what you have.  It doesn't need to be a long list.   

4. Thinking about where you want to be in 5 years and constructing a plan for it.  Where do you want to be and how do you get there?  What goals do you need to set up and accomplish, to do so?  Be specific with the plan  (Once every week or month, reinforce that plan.).  Doing this will get your mind off of what you can't control (Which is this woman doing you wrong and leaving) and focusing on what you can (Yourself).

That's it for now man.  Stay strong.

-Beach

Edited April 6, 2020 by Beachead

[Boxerhd]

Every part of that makes sense. To be honest I wouldn’t feel half as bad if I didn’t call her out on the guy. I didn’t even call her out I just asked her and explained why I was asking but the fact remains. The second time we spent together there were no incidents of the behavior she previously showed so it leaves me to wonder if I ducked this up with my insecurities. Which I have to say have not been an issue for years!

 

im remodeling my house to keep my mind on other things. Is that the opposite of stepping in to the darkness?

[Boxerhd]

I emailed her. Before anyone says I shouldn’t have I want to explain. I haven’t heard from her for 3 weeks. Probably because I was “ghosted,” which at 32 I didn’t think I’d experience. I sent her a non intrusive email asking her to let me know she is doing ok. It was short and sweet. I didn’t hear back so I just emailed her in a nice way and told her it was nice to meet her and a had an wonderful time with her as well as a couple of other nice things. 
I do feel better because I didn’t loose myself. In a good person and she meant a lot to me. I kept my integrity, didn’t call her out on her behavior and I feel better knowing that I didn’t lose my cool and say something I didn’t mean. 
ive been reading posts and articles about Bpd and every little thing that is written, she displayed. I am not diagnosing her. I think I could’ve kept her coming back if I acted like I didn’t care but the truth is I did and it makes me feel better that I didn’t suppress that and pretend to be someone I’m not just for the sake of getting her back. It worked once and she came back but it is not worth it. I’d rather be truthful than deceitful. It makes me feel like I did the right thing. It’s over. She is probably disgusted and I don’t care. 

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, Boxerhd said:

ive been reading posts and articles about Bpd and every little thing that is written, she displayed. I am not diagnosing her. I think I could’ve kept her coming back if I acted like I didn’t care but the truth is I did and it makes me feel better that I didn’t suppress that and pretend to be someone I’m not just for the sake of getting her back. It worked once and she came back but it is not worth it. I’d rather be truthful than deceitful. It makes me feel like I did the right thing. It’s over. She is probably disgusted and I don’t care. 

My ex is diagnosed (but untreated) BPD. He refused to get any help after the same diagnosis from two different doctors. The volatile roller coaster is not worth it. If that is in fact what she's suffering from, it wouldn't matter what you do. It would be a constant struggle unless and until she got intensive, ongoing and long-term professional help. I think that's extremely unlikely in her case, as she doesn't seem to think she's got an issue. So BPD or not, this was out of your hands. As you said, you would wind up compromising too much of what you want and need in a relationship, and it would have collapsed under it own weight. You'd be the under the rubble, by the way. She would simply skip off to the next guy. 

Please stop contacting her now. You've done all you could to try to get a response, and now you said you piece - it's time for you really let go, Boxer. 

Edited April 8, 2020 by ExpatInItaly

[Boxerhd]

2 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

My ex is diagnosed (but untreated) BPD. He refused to get any help after the same diagnosis from two different doctors. The volatile roller coaster is not worth it. If that is in fact what she's suffering from, it wouldn't matter what you do. It would be a constant struggle unless and until she got intensive, ongoing and long-term professional help. I think that's extremely unlikely in her case, as she doesn't seem to think she's got an issue. So BPD or not, this was out of your hands. As you said, you would wind up compromising too much of what you want and need in a relationship, and it would have collapsed under it own weight. You'd be the under the rubble, by the way. She would simply skip off to the next guy. 

Please stop contacting her now. You've done all you could to try to get a response, and now you said you piece - it's time for you really let go, Boxer. 

I know. I won’t contact her again. I don’t know what else to do and I did give her what I could. It’s sad but it is what it is. I’m ok mentally, just a little distraught emotionally. I’ll figure it out. I’ve never been in a situation like this. I still love her. I feel like I abandoned her but What else am I supposed to do when I’m simply blocked out? Wait? I definitely would have but I don’t think I am even on her mind. 

it was great while it lasted especially towards the end. I think that’s what scares her off. It was fine when she could find a reason to disappear and appear when she wanted but towards the end it was flawless. The little slip up I did gave her an out. She took it. I can’t do anything else, you’re right. 

Edited April 8, 2020 by Boxerhd

[ExpatInItaly]

2 minutes ago, Boxerhd said:

it was great while it lasted especially towards the end. I think that’s what scares her off. It was fine when she could find a reason to disappear and appear when she wanted but towards the end it was flawless. The little slip up I did gave her an out. She took it. I can’t do anything else, you’re right. 

That was an illusion though. It wasn't flawless if it was built on such a rocky foundation. It was only a matter of time until it all came crashing right back down. 

You were never going to get something long-term and stable here. 

[Beachead]

@Boxerhd

I know why you emailed.  Sometimes we just need to close it off on our terms for us.   Just make sure you don't carry expectations.  Do not send another or reply to her if she responds or engage with her again.  This situation is done.  It won't change and she won't give you what you want.

Quote

im remodeling my house to keep my mind on other things. Is that the opposite of stepping in to the darkness?

No, that's fine.  That's actually good.  

Healing from heartbreak requires you to do 4 things:

1. Don't quit on yourself and stop your life.  Continue to work, continue to partake in your hobbies/activities.  Continue to study, go to the gym.  Travel if you want to.  Whatever it is you want do it.  And also take the opportunity to make some adjustments in your life.  Add in new things you've wanted to do and get rid of those that are negatively impacting you.

2.  I think you're confused by this stepping into the darkness expression.  Its just you giving yourself sufficient alone time to let your thoughts float back to her and the situation and its very needed because:

Although jamming your schedule up with a 100 things will keep you busy, it'll ultimately push your pain and grief to the back of your mind.  You end up burying it or running away from it instead of dealing with it.   Keeping busy will then be used in the same way someone would using dating, alcohol or drugs; as a means to escape pain.  And sure, you'll feel okay temporarily but as with such coping strategies,  that pain will resurface as time goes on because it hasn't been addressed and dealt with.  Each time it does, it takes a little more fix, to push it down again.  As more time goes on it'll get harder and harder to bury it.  At some point, nothing you do will help and you will have to face it.  But that pain that you bury won't sit in a box, locked up.  It will seep into your thinking and influence your choices, your actions, and your overall behaviour etc.  And your thoughts/choices/actions will be rooted from past grief, rather than what you truly want or what is truly good for you.  This ultimately bleeds into everything in your life and affects the quality of it.

If you don't give yourself sufficient alone time, you won't feel the pain an feeling the pain is important for the above reason. If you don't feel the pain, you won't learn about it so you don't ever really deal with it.  If you don't deal with it, you won't process it and ultimately you won't heal from it.   Make sure you balance Number 1 with this.  Too much time self-reflection is bad and making your schedule too busy is also bad.  Balance both.

3.   Learning to let things be/letting go.  Letting your emotions be.  Letting her go to do what she needs to do.  Letting yourself do what you need to do.  Don't try to control.  Don't fight.  Just relinquish and let it go.  This was extremely difficult or me to learn how to do.  Took me 30 years.  It still isn't easy.  

4. Time.

[Difficultstuff]

I agree with much of what @Beacheadwrote above. The email sounds like something you had to do, you were respectful and kind to her and you, and it's drawn a firm line.

Finding the balance between too busy and too much alone-time is difficult for all of us. Just to add, there's a difference between feeling the pain in a self-pitying, resentful way and then getting lost in it, and accepting it with self-compassion and care. Don't fall in love with the pain, try to take it as just a signal to be caring for yourself better so that you do move on to something more stable and enduring when that time comes. 

[preraph]

She sounds like she was trying to get something out of you, the photoshoot or something maybe related, and when she wasn't getting it, she moved on to using the next "networking" opportunity.  

[Boxerhd]

3 hours ago, preraph said:

She sounds like she was trying to get something out of you, the photoshoot or something maybe related, and when she wasn't getting it, she moved on to using the next "networking" opportunity.  

I’d lean towards the sex rather than a photoshoot. It was something she always praised me with although we didn’t do it every time. Also, the way I treated her - cooked helped with dishes, never criticized her did things to help her around the house, listen to her vent, etc. everything I would do naturally became a negative. I even hinted at a more casual relationship and she said that’s “not her style.”

I wouldn’t have minded seeing her for the physical part but she hooked me in to thinking she wanted more. I’m an idiot. 

With this new guy it’s probably what she thinks his connections are. She told me that when she was telling me why they’re back in touch. 
 

[preraph]

Yeah, but she only left the door open for the photo shoot.  What was that about?  

[Boxerhd]

7 minutes ago, preraph said:

Yeah, but she only left the door open for the photo shoot.  What was that about?  

I think she wants to end it on good terms so she can keep me as a back up. We talked about that photo shoot for maybe 15 minutes in passing, once. 

[preraph]

What is the photo shoot?  Does it benefit you or does it benefit her?