Got a second chance but....

[Boxerhd]

Thank you for that. The sad part is that I am not making any of this up. I’m not saying things to make myself look good or to make her look bad.   I have some more stories of unreal episodes that if someone was to tell me about I wouldn’t believe. In the moments of her extremes even I was blown away. The cruelty and the inconsistency was unreal not to mention out of absolutely nowhere. And then a few hours or a day later it was smooth sailing, sex was the best weve both ever had and we just had an all around good time. It wasn’t all about the sex either. We didn’t get physical until 6 or so weeks after we met. Within those weeks she did have a couple of episodes, again, out of nowhere.
I’ve already been dumped and blocked for no reason again. This is the longest I’ve been blocked for. I don’t think I can dump her. 
 

Edited April 3, 2020 by Boxerhd

[Boxerhd]

After we had the calm conversation about her following the other man, she texted me a smiley face the next morning as if everything was fine. I replied with “I like the ballet better than the opera. Let’s be honest and transparent with each other.” I was making light of our talk about how she wanted to be around that “circle.” She said “I don’t like being with you right now and I’m not putting up with this. It’s why I left the first time.” Then a few hours she called me and we both apologized. Then I said hey let’s do dinner tomorrow. She was very short and said “Friday works for me.” I said hey is something still wrong? She blocked me again. Called me that night, started insulting me and I hung up on her. Blocked me again. The next morning I got the “I’m mad at you I’m hurt and confused. it was nice to have you in my life and if you ever want to do the photoshoot I’d love to. I’ll always be there for you.” Then block. I’ve been blocked ever since. this was last Tuesday. I tried to send her a couple of emails but I don’t know if she read them. Its been 6 days since I’ve tried to contact her. All of this is just so surreal. 
 

Edited April 3, 2020 by Boxerhd

[Boxerhd]

Good part is I’m back to working out and eating right. I’m in great physical shape so the workout is definitely making me more confident.
I do think that I was attracted to her physically which is a reason I can’t shake this as easy. She is easily the ideal woman for me physically. Then she started opening up and I started to feel deeper. I’m starting to see that mentally that’s a whole other story. 
oddly enough, the second time around I thought if she pulls this crap again I would waltz away. Somehow she said and did all the right things to pull me in deeper. Maybe that’s what I needed- to realize that this is simply a person that is not interested in a healthy relationship. 

Edited April 3, 2020 by Boxerhd

[ExpatInItaly]

This woman is unstable, OP. You will never be able to make sense of it. 

Don't let beauty cloud your vision so much next time. 

[Boxerhd]

thank you. We’re all unstable to a certain degree. I let my unstableness flair out. 

[Beachead]

@Boxerhd

This is one of those relationships where for some particular reason, the other person is running the old hot and cold routine on us and in the process, keeping our mind stuck on them.  We end up blaming ourselves for their unstable behaviour, forever trying to make sense of their actions.  The months go by and the damage piles on we slowly lose ourselves in this disaster.  Its absolutely destructive to ones well-being. 

I've only ever dated girls like this in the past and after 3 of them, it was very clear to me that learning to take care of yourself is absolutely crucial   If you don't know how to do that, you attract people like this and you likely end up keeping them in your life because you don't think you deserve better or don't think you can do better.  Its very likely that I was the cause of my own relationship problems because of how I treated myself.   The longer you stay in this drama with her, the more you'll feel that way.  The more you end up perceiving everything else in your life from these eyes and the more the rest of your life will suffer.  Pretty soon, you won't be able to enjoy anything else in life because you're miserable about this, so you miss out on all the good that comes your way; good times with friends and family,  good girls you could have had a relationship with etc.   Don't underestimate the power of people like this.  They break you down from the inside out.  

If you want the pain to stop, you're going to have to do the last thing you want to do; cut her off.    Think of yourself as a drug addict.  She is your drug.  She is terrible for you and you know it but you can't stop using because of that momentary good feeling you get from the the interactions.  But that high wears off and you're back to feeling like garbage.   She's the cause of your pain but you feel like she's the fix.   The thing is..right now, you're still used to her coming back.  Even when she blocks you, its temporary.   You haven't experienced what permanently cutting connection off feels like yet and once you do it, you're going to find yourself experiencing feelings you never felt, separation anxiety, and just general withdrawal symptoms.  Your mind is going to try and get you back to her but it'll be the last thing you need.   If you persevere through this painful process, you're going to come out clean and good..but if you give in and respond to her or reach out or continue engagement, you'll be back to pain all over again.  The worst part is, it'll be your fault.

So you need to eliminate all mediums that'll trigger a relapse.  Social Media, her number when she calls.  Old gifts, possessions.  Anything that triggers a memory.  It has to leave your sight.   I'd start by blocking her on social media and blocking her number.  After awhile when she realizes she doesn't have you anymore, she's going to pull out all stops and try things to get your attention in ways that'll be very tempting to respond to.  That'll likely happen around the time you're dealing with your withdrawal and probably after that.  It'll be rough...but nothing's going to change there.  Absolutely nothing.  If she was going to be with you, she'd be with you.   Sure, she might come back and you two might talk for a couple of days..maybe have a night of sex when she wants it..but then she'll do what she does and leave again.   What you're sticking around for is who you want to her to be...not who she actually is.  See this thing for what it is..not what you want it to be or hope for it to be.    It doesn't matter whether you two had good moments..the reality is those good moments are far outweighed by the damage she is causing.   Something you might need to do is really delve into yourself and ask yourself why you don't want to break free?  What is it about her?  The reason often has more to do with what's going on inside us than our exes.

I hope you find that advice well.  I know its a tough read.

- Beach

 

Edited April 4, 2020 by Beachead

[Boxerhd]

1 hour ago, Beachead said:

@Boxerhd

This is one of those relationships where for some particular reason, the other person is running the old hot and cold routine on us and in the process, keeping our mind stuck on them.  We end up blaming ourselves for their unstable behaviour, forever trying to make sense of their actions.  The months go by and the damage piles on we slowly lose ourselves in this disaster.  Its absolutely destructive to ones well-being. 

I've only ever dated girls like this in the past and after 3 of them, it was very clear to me that learning to take care of yourself is absolutely crucial   If you don't know how to do that, you attract people like this and you likely end up keeping them in your life because you don't think you deserve better or don't think you can do better.  Its very likely that I was the cause of my own relationship problems because of how I treated myself.   The longer you stay in this drama with her, the more you'll feel that way.  The more you end up perceiving everything else in your life from these eyes and the more the rest of your life will suffer.  Pretty soon, you won't be able to enjoy anything else in life because you're miserable about this, so you miss out on all the good that comes your way; good times with friends and family,  good girls you could have had a relationship with etc.   Don't underestimate the power of people like this.  They break you down from the inside out.  

If you want the pain to stop, you're going to have to do the last thing you want to do; cut her off.    Think of yourself as a drug addict.  She is your drug.  She is terrible for you and you know it but you can't stop using because of that momentary good feeling you get from the the interactions.  But that high wears off and you're back to feeling like garbage.   She's the cause of your pain but you feel like she's the fix.   The thing is..right now, you're still used to her coming back.  Even when she blocks you, its temporary.   You haven't experienced what permanently cutting connection off feels like yet and once you do it, you're going to find yourself experiencing feelings you never felt, separation anxiety, and just general withdrawal symptoms.  Your mind is going to try and get you back to her but it'll be the last thing you need.   If you persevere through this painful process, you're going to come out clean and good..but if you give in and respond to her or reach out or continue engagement, you'll be back to pain all over again.  The worst part is, it'll be your fault.

So you need to eliminate all mediums that'll trigger a relapse.  Social Media, her number when she calls.  Old gifts, possessions.  Anything that triggers a memory.  It has to leave your sight.   I'd start by blocking her on social media and blocking her number.  After awhile when she realizes she doesn't have you anymore, she's going to pull out all stops and try things to get your attention in ways that'll be very tempting to respond to.  That'll likely happen around the time you're dealing with your withdrawal and probably after that.  It'll be rough...but nothing's going to change there.  Absolutely nothing.  If she was going to be with you, she'd be with you.   Sure, she might come back and you two might talk for a couple of days..maybe have a night of sex when she wants it..but then she'll do what she does and leave again.   What you're sticking around for is who you want to her to be...not who she actually is.  See this thing for what it is..not what you want it to be or hope for it to be.    It doesn't matter whether you two had good moments..the reality is those good moments are far outweighed by the damage she is causing.   Something you might need to do is really delve into yourself and ask yourself why you don't want to break free?  What is it about her?  The reason often has more to do with what's going on inside us than our exes.

I hope you find that advice well.  I know its a tough read.

- Beach

 

Hey thanks for taking your time out to respond to this. Right now I can’t block her anywhere because she beat me to it. I think it’s like you said earlier- she is done because she found someone else to consume. Apparently he’s quite the social butterfly (a friend of mine knows him) and she thinks he’s got the pull to get her to that “social image“ she so desperately wants. It’s weird because when she was in a tshirt covered in dog hair she seemed so happy. thats who I fell for. 

[Boxerhd]

She got me a framed original 1920s movie poster when we went to a NYE party my friend hosted. It looks perfect in the bathroom I just finished remodeling today. I’m gonna hang on to it. 

[Highndry]

I'd recommend you read about Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). I had never even heard about it until my ex. It may answer a lot of questions you are having. Trying to use logic and reason to understand these emotional vampires is an exercise in futility. It's best just to forget about them and move on forever.

[Boxerhd]

Bpd or psychopathy doesn’t explain her intentions, just her actions. I don’t have money just ambition and a hard work ethic. Unless she was physically attracted and that my ego being fed. The sex was unreal. Maybe that’s why I can’t let go. The sprinkles of intimacy was what got me hooked. I’m 75% there though.
I emailed her tonight just to test the waters. I had a couple of beers. Im feeling better, honestly. I’m very close to letting go and realizing it’s her loss. 

[Boxerhd]

I’m sorry I did that. You guys spent your time to help me. It has honestly been helping me reading through it. It all fits. I’m at the point where it’s the moments i miss and not her. 

[ExpatInItaly]

2 hours ago, Boxerhd said:

I emailed her tonight just to test the waters. I had a couple of beers. Im feeling better, honestly. I’m very close to letting go and realizing it’s her loss. 

You're not close to letting go if you're emailing her, my friend. 

I know it's hard because you're hurt and you want her approval. But you're keeping yourself hooked to something that has virtually zero chance of working out well. It will take time for you to detach, of course, but it's going to be a rough road unless you stop trying to talk to her. 

[GeorgiaPeach1]

Because she is beautiful, you're allowing her to treat you like trash.

[Boxerhd]

It was a short email. Two sentences. I wish I didn’t do it but what’s the difference at this point? 

[ExpatInItaly]

52 minutes ago, Boxerhd said:

It was a short email. Two sentences. I wish I didn’t do it but what’s the difference at this point? 

The difference is between hanging on and actually letting go. For you. 

[Beachead]

1 hour ago, Boxerhd said:

It was a short email. Two sentences. I wish I didn’t do it but what’s the difference at this point? 

Its about taking that first step to recovering from this, for you (Just like ExpatInItaly stated).  By stopping yourself from doing what you would normally do, you're showing yourself, you can control your temptations.  By proving to yourself  you can do that, you are showing yourself hope that you can care for yourself, and heal from this, and maybe get back to a life where she isn't the center of the universe anymore.

But it all has to start somewhere..and it starts with not reaching out to her anymore.  Not responding to her.  Not engaging with her.

You're not close to letting go yet but you've realized that things are very wrong here and they need to change, and that's the first step.  

[Boxerhd]

What brings me peace is that the only reason I can think of for her blocking me out is that she wants to see how things pan out with the other guy. She now knows I know where as before she didn’t and when things didn’t work out she ran back to me. 
I don’t need that crap in my life. Sad part is I don’t even think she likes him for him but rather for the opportunities he has to offer. So now I know that he is a medium for her and once this whole crap gets lifted she’ll be social and start dating other people. I was genuine and truthful with her from day one and it sucks that it wasn’t enough. I can tell there are sides of her that we’re real and that’s who I fell for. Not this crap that she’s pulling.

i can call her out on all of this and I wouldn’t be making anything up. She’ll never have a happy relationship while her parents take care of her and she is looking to replace that with a “successful” man. That’s not the type of person I am though. I want her to be truly happy. It’s not a white knight routine it’s just a honest observation. What I think a relationship should be founded on is genuine connection and transparency and I believe it’s the healthy way to build something good. Things could crumble later based on other factors but at least it would be real while it lasts. This wasn’t real. 

Edited April 4, 2020 by Boxerhd

[ExpatInItaly]

7 minutes ago, Boxerhd said:

I was genuine and truthful with her from day one and it sucks that it wasn’t enough. I can tell there are sides of her that we’re real and that’s who I fell for. Not this crap that she’s pulling. 

This is part of the real her, too, Boxer.

[Boxerhd]

10 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

This is part of the real her, too, Boxer.

It’s incredible. How many times does it take to find out that this approach will only get you moments of satisfaction rather than anything long term.

How crappy can a person be to use people that really care about them. Me, her parents, this other guy (maybe. Maybe he just wants to sleep with her).  

Edited April 4, 2020 by Boxerhd

[Boxerhd]

I don’t like how I’m even sounding right now. I sound like I’m having a hissy fit. I need this to pass so I can start being my normal self again. 

[Beachead]

1 hour ago, Boxerhd said:

Sad part is I don’t even think she likes him for him but rather for the opportunities he has to offer. So now I know that he is a medium for her and once this whole crap gets lifted she’ll be social and start dating other people. I was genuine and truthful with her from day one and it sucks that it wasn’t enough. I can tell there are sides of her that we’re real and that’s who I fell for. Not this crap that she’s pulling.

Yea man..this is the real her as well.   All of it counts...the good and the bad.  If she uses people for materialistic gain..that's part of who she is as well.  Just because its a side you don't like, doesn't mean it doesn't count.   You can't choose which parts of a person you want to keep.  If you're going to take someone on, you're subscribing to the whole package.  All the bullsh*t and drama included.   If the whole package sums up to a person that drains you and hurts you consistently and never changes..then you have to accept that that is who she is and thats what you're dealing with.  You have to separate who you wanted her to be (The fantasy) from who she really is (The reality) and base your moves on the reality.

Its not easy, I know.  Love and our need to feel like we didn't make a mistake and we didn't waste our time..gets in the way of letting a person go and we can end up sticking around in something that we really should have left.  You didn't waste your time, I can assure you of that.  Although you are in a lot of pain and struggling to get passed this right now, you're learning about people like this and how it affects you.  You are learning about your coping mechanisms and how you deal with it.  You're gaining experience and wisdom.  I know you didn't get into a relationship to learn all that.  You just wanted to be with someone you thought cared about you, and you got this garbage instead.  But, all experience counts.  It all matters.  And if you don't sour from it or run away from your pain, you'll work through it, learn from it and take everything you've learned with you into the future and apply it to future situations.

Stay strong

- Beach

 

[Boxerhd]

It’s as if she doesn’t know what she’s even doing. The thinks it’s normal to say “we’re not fighting right?” To totally blocking me. You’re right this is a huge learning experience. It’s a rollercoaster and I wanted off but she kept me on until she didn’t need me anymore. Maybe it’s an ego thing for me that I also have to get over, not just her. This is definitely a hard one. 
she could’ve just said hey I don’t think we should see each other. Not this open ended thing where “you’re blocked but let’s do something later.” Sad part is I’m waiting to hear from her. Not sure if it’s to tell her to F off or to get back in to it for her or for the sex. I know I shouldn’t do either of those  and just ignore her or politely ask her to stop but I’m afraid of the impulse that got me here (quicker).  

 

Edited April 4, 2020 by Boxerhd

[dangerous]

OP. Listen to yourself. Everyone here has given you advice and you keep coming back to wanting this woman! She is a BPD type, a user of people for her own ends, period.

I have been there too, for over 2 years I had a relationship with an incredibly hot woman, who blew hot and cold, and hot and cold ad nauseum.

I get it, the highs are very high, but as sure as night follows day, she reverts to cold again.

Similar to you, as soon as we broke up (for the final time!) she IMMEDIATELY got a new guy and declared him as her SOUL MATE within weeks of meeting him. Although she's a 55 year old woman she posted that for all to see on FB! Even though I had supported her through thick and thin during the 2 years we had been together (divorce, homelessness, redundancy) she painted me to be this guy who treated her terribly. But now she was ok because she had met her 'soulmate'...again.

I went further than blocking her, I've actually stopped using FB entirely for 6 months now, so I have no exposure or temptation to check on her.

In this time, of Covid isolation, I am feeling retrospective and frankly downright depressed. I think often of the sweet times I had with this woman. But my logic tells me we broke up for a reason: there were lots of bad times and I decided it was best to move on from her, for my own good. BUT the good times keep coming back into my mind! Lucky for me, I kept a journal, so I've been reading back over the last two years, and guess what?

I am astonished at how early, and how many times, she behaved so badly to me. It reminded me why I felt I had no option to move on. I was right. Someday I will find a better partner, one less unstable than her. But in the meantime, I have to remain strong and confident in my choice to be alone/ away from her. 

And you need to, too. 

 

[Boxerhd]

I’m sorry you’re going through this. I guess I’m in the same boat as you where I can’t really socialize as much as I want to and I keep thinking back about things. I don’t want her back. I want to move past this more than I want her. 
Worst part is is that the time she came back was the time this isolation thing began and she said “it makes you think about who you want to be around and for me, that’s you.” I even went as far as giving her tons of supplies so she doesn’t Have to leave the house much. I did it all except slip and confront her. Maybe if I didn’t I would at least get through this crap with some company. I just need to talk about it I think because being stuck in the house and stuck in my head is not a good feeling. 
I am actually going on a hike tomorrow with someone. I have 0 expectations. It just helps me get out of the house and give the dogs some exercise. 

[Beachead]

@Boxerhd

2 hours ago, Boxerhd said:

she could’ve just said hey I don’t think we should see each other. Not this open ended thing where “you’re blocked but let’s do something later.” 

What does that tell you about her? 

When someone consistently treats you badly, sticking around teaches them you're okay with being treated like garbage.  It teaches them you have no self-respect for yourself and if they know you're not respecting yourself, they won't either.    So she destroyed the relationship  by putting you in a position where you are forced walk away because not doing so makes you look weak/unattractive and is wronging yourself.

Quote

Sad part is I’m waiting to hear from her. Not sure if it’s to tell her to F off or to get back in to it for her or for the sex. I know I shouldn’t do either of those  and just ignore her or politely ask her to stop but I’m afraid of the impulse that got me here (quicker).  

Its pointless because this girl is not down for a longterm relationship with you.  She proved that by her actions.  She's uncommitted, unreliable and the only reason she'd be in this with you is for what she can get from you.  As soon as your use for her is done, she'll ditch you all over again...and when that happens you'll feel 100X worse...because it'll be 6 months later.  Or 1 year later.  Maybe 2 years later.   That's more life gone.  More sacrificed.  More time and energy away from the better people and activities you could have involved yourself.  Opportunities would be lost because you'd still be stuck in the past over this undeserving, poor excuse for an adult. The worst part?  You'll have no one to blame but yourself. 

The girl you thought she was or hoped for, doesn't exist.  She was a fantasy.  This is the reality.

And believe m..if its not this guy, it'll be the next.  If its not the next one, it'll be the one after that.  So on...so forth.  She may return to you but at best, you will be a pitstop.  A time-passer.  A backup plan.  

So, if or when that time comes she contacts you, I hope you make the right call for yourself.

- Beach

Edited April 5, 2020 by Beachead