blueberrypanda Posted April 1, 2020 Share Posted April 1, 2020 I think I am an anxious attachment style male and I always seem to like avoidant women. Does anyone else have this problem? I met this girl 6 months ago while traveling in Bali and we met up several times in different locations. I want to take things to the next level but sometimes she goes days without writing me and takes a long time to respond to me. I am trying to organize a trip for us to meet the next time but don’t want to pressure her. I know she is with her family right now in Sweden so I am trying to give her space, but I have lost interest in dating anyone but her. Should I try and date other people anyway? I watched a video last night on anxious attachment with paula sacks on beauty is eternal and now I am pretty positive I have anxious attachment style and that every girl I like is avoidant. I want to change this but I do not know how. Does anyone have experience working on their attachment level and did it help? Can recommend any books to learn more? I can't afford to see a therapist at this point. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted April 1, 2020 Share Posted April 1, 2020 This woman doesn't have an avoidant attachment issue. She just sounds like she's plain not interested. There's a significant difference between the two. You would be wise to learn to better recognize the signs of disinterest, and accept them, rather than continuing to pursue someone who is not reciprocating. You may be indeed be correct that you have an anxious attachment style, which leads you to believe that women who are not interested are avoidant. However, I think are drawing some erroneous conclusions about them simply because you're still viewing this through that anxious filter. But I would worry less about them and focus on you. You seem to be trying to do so now, so kudos to you for that. You would need to start by looking at where that insecurity stems from, and how it manifests in your love life. Do you tend to over-pursue? Get too attached too quickly? What's the pattern you noticed in your own behaviour when you start dating someone? 2 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Interstellar Posted April 1, 2020 Share Posted April 1, 2020 Indeed, she has super low interest level issue. She’s just not interested. Link to post Share on other sites
rjc149 Posted April 1, 2020 Share Posted April 1, 2020 How many times have you met up with her, and what was the nature of your meetups? Is this a sexual relationship? I ask because anxiously-attached people usually try to force a closeness where one isn't growing organically, and it's maybe possible that your connection with this girl is a projection, not reality. It's common for anxiously attached people to chase avoidants -- called the "anxious-avoidant trap." But as posters above state, I don't think that's what this is. This is a matter of her not being that into you. Avoidant people have challenges with intimacy and closeness, but don't simply blow off people they're romantically interested in. Needy men are usually repulsive to women, anxious and avoidant alike. Your neediness is destroying her interest in you. 5 hours ago, blueberrypanda said: I am trying to give her space, but I have lost interest in dating anyone but her. Should I try and date other people anyway? Yes, 100% start dating other people. You have lost interest in dating anyone but her because you have no other prospects in the pipeline. Back off from this girl, stop contacting her, and wait until she reaches out to you. Pursuing her at this point is pushing her further away. It's *not* making her like you more. Link to post Share on other sites
Author blueberrypanda Posted April 1, 2020 Author Share Posted April 1, 2020 Thanks for the advice. I will try and focus on other women. Link to post Share on other sites
Kballer Posted April 9, 2020 Share Posted April 9, 2020 Is she following you on social media? I ask because.. It has happened to me that if you are living an active, outgoing, social lifestyle that women will see that you have a life, and will begin contacting you.. When you give up on trying to date every night, and give up on finding the one... and just live your life to the fullest... Women will seek you out. I'm not saying the quality of women chasing you will increase, just that the # of women chasing you will increase. We (men in general) can mostly agree that having choices to reject at your whim, is a good position to be in... In reality it's not, but that's a conversation for later. Your goal, right now, is to be in demand.. The only way to do that is to be the man that women want to be with... All of your hopes, and dreams, and desires, and wishes... You should be chasing those things right now.. Most women want to be a part of your journey.. When you are focused on something so strongly that nothing will stop you, or get in the way.. That is an aphrodisiac for women. They definitely do not want to be the focus of your journey as that's f'ing weird and creepy, and off-putting... Think about that.. BE the man.. BE the James Bond of your life... Chase those things that you have always wanted to achieve.. Your PURPOSE in life is uber-attractive. Your desire to achieve your goals is like a hormone for women. Your focus on what is important to you will drive a woman wild. Make your journey your priority and the woman you are supposed to be with will magically appear, to join you. It's not f***ing magic.. It f***ing works. Focus on YOUR goals-not some random woman you met along the path in life.. I make it sound simplistic and it's not.. But it will work if you just adhere to the principle.. Your life is YOUR choice.. Chase YOUR dreams and the woman who is supposed to be with you will step forward to join in your quest with you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Miss Spider Posted April 9, 2020 Share Posted April 9, 2020 (edited) Have you considered the possibility that you do not have ah attachment disorder and neither do these women? There’s also the possibility that you like her and feel anxious with her because desirable woman and because she’s desirable she also has a lot of dating prospects or perhaps just isn’t as interested and that is why she seems ‘avoidant’. I am just saying that you may be trying to fix the wrong thing. It’s something to consider Edited April 9, 2020 by Cookiesandough Link to post Share on other sites
Kballer Posted April 9, 2020 Share Posted April 9, 2020 (edited) 39 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said: you like her and feel anxious with her because she’s desirable C&D has it right.. But read further into what she is saying... If you truly felt like this girl was an "equal" and that you were worthy of her.. That she was not out of "your league".. Would you really feel this "attachment disorder"? Is it possible, that maybe you feel the necessity to create conflict, and break it off, as you fear they would do that with you over time as you are just "not worthy" of them in the long run? The problems you think you have with women are not that. You've got it all wrong (IMO).. The problem you have is within you. Look DEEP within yourself... What is stopping you from having the relationship that you want to have? Women-God bless them-have an innate ability, that they are not even cognizant of-that allows them to see who YOU are... They can look right through you and read the script of your life.. Even when you are in denial of who you are.. Even when you are incapable of seeing the same script for yourself-they can see it as if it was a tattoo on your forehead.. They have this ability because they are programmed to find the best possible mate to join with to have the strongest chance for their off-spring to survive. ANY inconsistencies within you... Any DOUBTS you have about yourself.. ANY insecurities you have about yourself might as well be cue cards that you are displaying to anyone within eye-sight of you... Women are not "avoidant" by nature.. They are biologically engineered to seek the strongest possible mate within their environment. Women crave a strong man who is comfortable with who he is.. Who does not need his hand held to get through life.. He does not need a "mommy" to push him along on this journey. Women want to give you the very best in this life that they have to offer.. They want to build you up. They want to brag about you to their friends. They want you to be their Super-Man! Make no mistake about this.. You have missed the boat somewhere.. What I'm telling you is the truth.... All you have to do.. is fix those problems within yourself. The negativity within you is the only barrier between you, and a life partner that will walk with you in this life and support, and cherish, and nurture, you while you are seeking out your goals. When things are right inside of you.. It will be evident to all around you.. You can't project something you are not. That internal dialogue will always speak louder than your words. Be that man that your woman wants you to be. Be the person that your woman would be proud to be with. Live an extraordinary life and the woman of your dreams will seek you out. It really is that simple. Edited April 9, 2020 by Kballer 1 Link to post Share on other sites
NomiMalone Posted April 10, 2020 Share Posted April 10, 2020 (edited) OP, that’s me too. I’m the anxious type for sure. From everything I’ve read, attachment styles are formed early in life but can’t be changed easily. I’m not attracted to avoidant types at all and avoid them like plague (or drop them as soon as they’ve shown themselves to be avoidants or bad communicators). If you’re anxious, you need to chose women who are securely attached, are good communicators, and make an effort to make you feel secure (to a reasonable extent). For me, being single is way easier and stress free, and I’m way more productive so tbh I actually prefer being single. I highly recommend the book “Attached” by Amir Levine. Edited April 10, 2020 by NomiMalone Link to post Share on other sites
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