What is she Implying (PART 2)

[whatdoido123]

so we finally had that talk, and i TOOK EVERY SINGLE advice you guys gave me. I told her to give me my keys back and she did. I told her that i would go pick up my daughter at her house and she yes. But she said i can only VISIT her and not take her back to my house

HOW IS THAT FAIR? I asked to take her Saturday morning and bring her back at night on Sunday and she went off on me saying that i would make her cry. She probably would cry, but i need to get her use to it since i am the daddy. Do i have the right? 

She says i am the manipulator, its funny because shes doing it right at me, and saying i am the worst boyfriend ever back then. She is super strong and i cussed her out it was crazy. Now i feel relived, but idk what else to do. They both left, and i was tearing up because she would question me this and that and how we didn't live together. And how everytime she get a BF , i would try to get her back. 

I also figured out the thing she wrote was ABOUT ME

Mental abuse relationship

feel insecurity

overthink

want reassurance

have trust issues

afraid to say how i feel

cry over small things

 

AT LEAST NOW I TOLD HER TO GET OF MY HOUSE. 

NO MORE EXCUSES IN TRYING TO COME OVER AND SHOWER

HOPEFULLY I AM READY TO DATE SOON....HOW LONG WILL THIS TAKE TO HEAL

 

Edited April 6, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Language

[preraph]

I bet you feel better getting all that off your chest. Now see this is why I said you may need to get a judge's order because of course you have a right to see your child 50% of the time if you want to. The baby will adjust. They mainly get upset if one of the parents is upset. So if she's all upset about it that will just make the child more upset. Of course it might be better for you to only have the child a couple of days a week at this age, but you two can work that out or you can get a judge's order. 

You might get some info from the link below about Sherry a toddler. 

 

https://www.custodyxchange.com/ages/toddler.php

 

She may be mad, but I bet she has just a little more respect for you now and more importantly, hopefully you have a little more respect for yourself.  

 

 

[basil67]

Whether or not it's fair that you only see your daughter supervised depends on her reasoning.  If you have any behaviours which could put your daughter at risk, then she may well be able to ask that you have supervised access.  You can have someone else supervise the access - it doesn't have to be her.  If she can't present any evidence that your daughter would be at risk, then I would suggest you work with a court mediator to agree to a schedule.  If mediation doesn't work, you'll need a lawyer.  But first, you'll have to get a job to afford a lawyer.  

You will be ready to date when you've got your life in order.  Get a job, stop gambling, have some savings and not need to rely on loans from your ex.   Perhaps the goal of a fresh start will be enough to have you take a look at how you're living and make the changes required to be a better man.

Also, she wasn't manipulating you when she says that you were the worst boyfriend back then.  With the stuff you've described about yourself, you have behaved terribly.  Don't try and play victim when she's just giving you the truth.

Edited April 6, 2020 by basil67

[whatdoido123]

7 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Whether or not it's fair that you only see your daughter supervised depends on her reasoning.  If you have any behaviours which could put your daughter at risk, then she may well be able to ask that you have supervised access.  You can have someone else supervise the access - it doesn't have to be her.  If she can't present any evidence that your daughter would be at risk, then I would suggest you work with a court mediator to agree to a schedule.  If mediation doesn't work, you'll need a lawyer.  But first, you'll have to get a job to afford a lawyer.  

You will be ready to date when you've got your life in order.  Get a job, stop gambling, have some savings and not need to rely on loans from your ex.   Perhaps the goal of a fresh start will be enough to have you take a look at how you're living and make the changes required to be a better man.

Also, she wasn't manipulating you when she says that you were the worst boyfriend back then.  With the stuff you've described about yourself, you have behaved terribly.  Don't try and play victim when she's just giving you the truth.

BRO,  I thought you were on my side

But seriously though we had the biggest argument, and i followed u guys advice. She brought up alot of negative things about me, it deeply hurts after i spit out everything about her. This was honestly a toxic relationship, but just having that innocent child is beyond me. 

I told her she can go press charges for child support if she wants. I am not going to stop her, but how would she collect if i have $0 income? I don't work and i don't plan on working anytime soon. Does that mean i lose custody of the baby? 

Also i don't even want to date at this point. I want to get my 32 year old self back and running and just be a better person or a more rounded person persay. I want to have consistent income not having to rely on gambling as well. 

[basil67]

Of course she brought up a whole lot of negative things about you.  You've done a whole lot of negative things and she was mad at you - so she told you exactly what she thought of you.  Did you think you could yell at her, cuss at her and she'd not react?

Your last two paragraphs contradict each other.   Are you planning on being a well rounded person with a consistent income?  Or are you planning on not working anytime soon so that you don't have to support your child? 

[whatdoido123]

17 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Of course she brought up a whole lot of negative things about you.  You've done a whole lot of negative things and she was mad at you - so she told you exactly what she thought of you.  Did you think you could yell at her, cuss at her and she'd not react?

Your last two paragraphs contradict each other.   Are you planning on being a well rounded person with a consistent income?  Or are you planning on not working anytime soon so that you don't have to support your child? 

i mean, they were very hurtful things she said about me, and some of it was really uncalled for.

YES we did break up 5 years ago and we got back together and had a child - i chased after her and won her back, but this time is totally different. She keeps saying once she is in a "HAPPY STAGE" i come running back every time. It is my loss she said.

She said i did NOT physical abuse her, but i manipulated her and i was the worst bf. Her first highschool sweetheart cheated on her, and she say that i was even worst. 

I want to become a well rounded person, but with this corona s*** idk how or if i will get a job anytime soon.

 

ANYWAYS she left around 7:00 pm tonight after our argument and she texted me first. (Exact wording) let me know what you think.

 

HER: Thanks for talking about some stuff out with me. I just hope we can talk things out nice to each other

ME: You can take it to court and get child support like you said. I'm not gonna block you anymore. It was fun being mr nice guy but honestly it is what it is.

HER: I never said that, I said i never request child support from you and played it nice cuz you said you played it nice the last 2.5 years after having our daugter

HER: We need to talk nicely and figure something out. Your welcome to come over any day and stay in my office while i work to talk

ME: Nothing to talk about, i told you what i want. Its a fair trade off. Im not going to argue with you anymore. You said many hurtful things to me today. Lets just move on both of us. I will always love you and be there for you. Have a good night

HER:you know i will always have and will care and love you no matter what regardless if we have a kid or not together. I have always looked out for you and always helped you. I even thought of you with toliet paper (she went to costco today to get me toliet paper FYI)

I did not respond this message- just sent a heart emoji on the message she wrote

 

DO you think she is mind f***ing me? 

Edited April 6, 2020 by whatdoido123

[basil67]

She's trying to keep your co-parenting civil for the sake of your daughter.   It's not about you.

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, you need to grow up. 

This is about trying to be co-parents for your daughter now. Stop with the dramatics.  Pull up your socks and stop making everything about you. This is about your child now. If you can’t have a mature conversation with her about it, hire an attorney who can. 

[whatdoido123]

19 hours ago, basil67 said:

She's trying to keep your co-parenting civil for the sake of your daughter.   It's not about you.

I think that she is trying to be civil so that i will keep in touch with her. I told her about the co parenting app, she said no way and that i am just trying to take her to court if she did anything wrong on the app it self which blows my mind

She still hasn't agreed for me to pick her up on Saturday. Honestly i don't care what she thinks and i have every right to pick up my daughter. She said my daugter will hate me more because she doesn't want to be with you especially when mommy and grandma is home with her.  

She insist that she continue the same trend, dropping her off at my house and putting her to nap and then she will leave like normal, but i don't want her to come to my house. Its hard to explain but obviously the feeling is still there, i want to be the bigger person and just grind for my money, and then maybe by next year i will be ready to date again. Yes it gets boring with this lockdown , i live by myself and is always lonely, but i think if i do things to kill time i will be okay until the lockdown is lifted.

16 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

OP, you need to grow up. 

This is about trying to be co-parents for your daughter now. Stop with the dramatics.  Pull up your socks and stop making everything about you. This is about your child now. If you can’t have a mature conversation with her about it, hire an attorney who can. 

I agree, how am i being dramatic? 

I just want my daughter all day Saturday and Sunday. I told her exactly what i want, and i am not going to negotiate any other way. Am i being hard headed? 

She cussed me out yesterday and everything, i am not looking to go back and heal the wound. Its OVER with me and her, i am ready to move on, but if shes trying to be nice and s*** so that i can budge in and not have my daughter for 1 night in a week, i will screw things up and make it regret even more. 

Edited April 7, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
grammar and language cleanup

[preraph]

You're going to end up having to go through either a mediator or an attorney. that's what everyone who has custody ends up having to do. But you better get some income coming in first thing. There are a gazillion delivery jobs available right now.

A judge can make you both go on those family apps to communicate and that would straighten a lot of this out and she knows that which is why she doesn't want to do it. you're going to have to get legal with her and I don't know how you're going to do it if you don't have a job. You will have to have some visible means of support.

Edited April 6, 2020 by preraph

[whatdoido123]

28 minutes ago, preraph said:

You're going to end up having to go through either a mediator or an attorney. that's what everyone who has custody ends up having to do. But you better get some income coming in first thing. There are a gazillion delivery jobs available right now.

A judge can make you both go on those family apps to communicate and that would straighten a lot of this out and she knows that which is why she doesn't want to do it. you're going to have to get legal with her and I don't know how you're going to do it if you don't have a job. You will have to have some visible means of support.

 I am not trying to catch that corona bro, thats why i been staying home. 

She keeps saying that shes been nice for the last couple of years, not filing for child support

Honestly i don't want to get a judge involved, but this saturday i told her i will be going to pick up my daughter and bounce.

If i get denied, i will honestly escalate this issue, because its not my problem. I also gave her the option that i can do it on a weekday instead, just lmk and i will figure something out, but shes still super hesistant about it

YES, we shouldn't have made a kid together, but at the end of the day i love my baby girl alot and i have NO REGRETS.

She caused all this, i TRIED making it work and keeping this family as ONE piece. Of course she says its all my fault for causing the break up....blah blah blah

Anyways i am going to keep myself distracted in the mean time doing things i love doing at home. 

[preraph]

You should be logging all this by date in case you need to go to a judge.  Just put 4/10/20 - It's my visitation day with my child, but mother wouldn't let me take her without coming with her.  Obviously, you need to have a proper place for her to sleep, and you need to have in all the supplies she needs that her mother normally probably brings with her, food, juice.  You'll need to probably buy her an outfit or two to keep there and something to sleep in.  (Mothers reading this, let him know what he'll need for a two-year-old).  

 

Delivery jobs, you are leaving things outside during the virus.  

Edited April 6, 2020 by preraph

[whatdoido123]

5 hours ago, preraph said:

You should be logging all this by date in case you need to go to a judge.  Just put 4/10/20 - It's my visitation day with my child, but mother wouldn't let me take her without coming with her.  Obviously, you need to have a proper place for her to sleep, and you need to have in all the supplies she needs that her mother normally probably brings with her, food, juice.  You'll need to probably buy her an outfit or two to keep there and something to sleep in.  (Mothers reading this, let him know what he'll need for a two-year-old).  

 

Delivery jobs, you are leaving things outside during the virus.  

Correct, i have my own 3 bed room house. My daughter has her in room and her own bed. Pretty much have everything she needs to spend the night. Obviously the food part, i can easily just run to the store to get. 

Yes but the corona can live in the air for days from my understanding, so technically you can get it even if you don't see the person physically

[preraph]

I think that depends on if it's confined space or open air.  I mean, you'd have to really be careful, as we all are anyway.  

[basil67]

6 hours ago, whatdoido123 said:

 She caused all this, i TRIED making it work and keeping this family as ONE piece. Of course she says its all my fault for causing the break up....blah blah blah

You're both at fault.   I'm sure that of all the arguments, you both contributed your share.  But your list of things you've done wrong is extraordinarily long.   

For custody, as both of you are refusing to negotiate, it will have to go through the courts.  Hopefully the two of you can figure it out with a low cost option such as mediation.  But if the two of you don't start negotiating, you'd better go get yourself a well paying job to pay for a lawyer.   May I suggest leading by example?

[whatdoido123]

4 hours ago, preraph said:

I think that depends on if it's confined space or open air.  I mean, you'd have to really be careful, as we all are anyway.  

Yeah that is why you stay home

3 hours ago, basil67 said:

You're both at fault.   I'm sure that of all the arguments, you both contributed your share.  But your list of things you've done wrong is extraordinarily long.   

For custody, as both of you are refusing to negotiate, it will have to go through the courts.  Hopefully the two of you can figure it out with a low cost option such as mediation.  But if the two of you don't start negotiating, you'd better go get yourself a well paying job to pay for a lawyer.   May I suggest leading by example?

 

I will admit, i made many many mistakes in my life. The biggest mistake was obviously letting my ex gf get away. I learned alot the last few days, it hurts me inside knowing its offically over and it just takes time to heal i guess? I wrote my ex a long letter basically saying its NOT about us anymore. Its not about the past, but the future and how we should be the best parents for our daughter sake. I also mentioned that going forward if we do go out to eat we will be splitting the bill 50/50. I know it may sound weird, but the past 9 years we always took turn paying, but i think that whatever she order she will pay and vice versa is the best way to go forward?

I also told her that we should distance ourselves and just talk if its URGENT about our daughter. And if or whenever she needs anything just hit me up. I will always be there for her, but i kept telling her that my house and her house is only pick up and drop off only. I don't need her taking a shower and seeing her naked. It just hurts me more, and i don't want to go through her phone anymore. That is the past and i need time to heal and improve my self. 

I will be dropping this letter to her tomorrow, and to hang with my daughter for 1-2 hour. Other than that we have NOT texted all day to each other so hopefully this will help both of us going  forward. Of course she already has a bf, but just saying in general 

[preraph]

Good for you. I know you must feel some relief just getting all this out in the open. I'm still afraid she's going to walk all over you on this child sharing. 

 

Hang on to a copy of that letter.

Edited April 7, 2020 by preraph

[basil67]

Just to be clear, you didn't let your ex get away.  Rather, you lost her due to your bad life choices and refusal to let her live with you.

It's good to see you working on boundaries, but your letter could go further in this respect.   If you won't let her in your house, why are you considering still eating with her?  The changes you've started making are good, but you should no longer be having dinners as a pair.    

Another change you may want to consider is to change is to say "if you need anything for our daughter hit me up".  Your ex doesn't want to be with you, so don't offer help for her.  

 

[whatdoido123]

1 hour ago, preraph said:

Good for you. I know you must feel some relief just getting all this out in the open. I'm still afraid she's going to walk all over you on this child sharing. 

 

Hang on to a copy of that letter.

Help me please. What do you mean walk over me? 

 

21 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Just to be clear, you didn't let your ex get away.  Rather, you lost her due to your bad life choices and refusal to let her live with you.

It's good to see you working on boundaries, but your letter could go further in this respect.   If you won't let her in your house, why are you considering still eating with her?  The changes you've started making are good, but you should no longer be having dinners as a pair.    

Another change you may want to consider is to change is to say "if you need anything for our daughter hit me up".  Your ex doesn't want to be with you, so don't offer help for her.  

 

 

hahahahaha you are absolutely correct. Till this day she still reminds me that she always wanted to live together after having our daughter, but i never took her serious for it. 

 

idk cuz maybe because our daughter should be able to have mommy and daddy have lunch or dinner once in a while together? Am i wrong? I never been in this situation before so let me know what you think. 

 

And also i get it, if our daughter needs help hit me up, but at the same time she helped me alot financially and she was there for me all the time. I guess what i am saying is, theres no bad blood between us and i will be there for her physcially and emotionally if she ever needs it????? f*** man i don't know what to do. 

[ExpatInItaly]

7 hours ago, whatdoido123 said:

idk cuz maybe because our daughter should be able to have mommy and daddy have lunch or dinner once in a while together? Am i wrong? I never been in this situation before so let me know what you think. 

Nice idea, but you two aren't yet in a place where that will go well. You still have too much unfinished emotional business with her. Save lunch or dinner together for the future, when you've healed enough to not lose your mind at the thought of her with someone else. It's a bad choice right now. 

[whatdoido123]

3 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Nice idea, but you two aren't yet in a place where that will go well. You still have too much unfinished emotional business with her. Save lunch or dinner together for the future, when you've healed enough to not lose your mind at the thought of her with someone else. It's a bad choice right now. 

so i want to give her this letter today, but she hasn't texted me if i can come over to see her daughter. Normally she would text me and ask if i am coming over. We did NOT talk all day yesterday and i just want to give her the letter so i don't have to worry about it anymore. Would i be weird if i texted her if i can come over? She already knows and we both already agreed that i will be over once a week on the weekday to spend time with our daughter. We just never had a specific day of the week so i don't know if i should reach out or just let her reach out to me instead?

[Blind-Sided]

On ‎4‎/‎5‎/‎2020 at 10:45 PM, whatdoido123 said:

1) I told her to give me my keys back and she did. I told her that i would go pick up my daughter at her house and she yes. But she said i can only VISIT her and not take her back to my house

2) HOW IS THAT FAIR? I asked to take her Saturday morning and bring her back at night on Sunday and she went off on me saying that i would make her cry. She probably would cry, but i need to get her use to it since i am the daddy. Do i have the right? 

3) She says i am the manipulator,

4) AT LEAST NOW I TOLD HER TO GET OF MY HOUSE. NO MORE EXCUSES IN TRYING TO COME OVER AND SHOWER. HOPEFULLY I AM READY TO DATE SOON....HOW LONG WILL THIS TAKE TO HEAL

 

OK... you finally grew a pair, and are at least listening.  So I'm back.

1) Good for you!!!  This is exactly what needs to happen.  You need to stop thinking there is any chance or hope of this working between you two. AND, you needed to say what you expect.

2) It's not at all, and the excuse of her saying the kid will cry is irrelevant. The kid will adjust.  As the father, you have the right to a 50% custody.  UNLESS there is a real reason you shouldn't have the kid. (documented alcohol, drugs, abuse, criminal record, so-on)  AND... assuming you can legally have the kid 50% of the time.. you will not pay any kind of support to her.  Now... if you say you can only have the kid 2 days out of 7... the courts may ask you to provide some support.

3) That's just hearsay. Was it documented?  if not... it's not usable.  My ex tried to absolutely destroy me, and in turn, she didn't get a dam thing from me. 

4) Now... I'm going to be honest... you seem pretty F-ed up... so it's going to be awhile before you are ready to date, and actually have it be real. Right now... if you tried to date... it would be just revenge/rebound dating.  Everyone is different, but since she is the mother of your kid... you have to get to a point where you can legitimately talk with her, and have no feelings. For me... it was well over a year from the time things went down... and around 8 months after she moved out.

On ‎4‎/‎5‎/‎2020 at 11:15 PM, whatdoido123 said:

1) BRO,  I thought you were on my side

2) I told her she can go press charges for child support if she wants. I am not going to stop her, but how would she collect if i have $0 income? I don't work and i don't plan on working anytime soon. Does that mean i lose custody of the baby? 

1) I think Basil is a girl.

2) She can do just that.  So, get ready to defend yourself. (Seriously)  If you don't do it now... it will be harder to turn it over later, and cost more $$$ to you.  Also... the courts can ask to watch your bank accounts, and take whatever shows up.  AND, if you have the attitude of "I just wont work" that will look poorly to any judge, and then they may just give full custody to your ex.  DO NOT LET THAT HAPPEN !!!!   Right now, if she doesn't have a LEGAL reason to  keep the kid from you... she cannot do it. Let her know that. (in a polite, professional way)

On ‎4‎/‎6‎/‎2020 at 9:36 PM, whatdoido123 said:

1) I will admit, i made many many mistakes in my life. The biggest mistake was obviously letting my ex gf get away.

2) I also mentioned that going forward if we do go out to eat we will be splitting the bill 50/50.

3) I also told her that we should distance ourselves and just talk if its URGENT about our daughter. And if or whenever she needs anything just hit me up. I will always be there for her, but i kept telling her that my house and her house is only pick up and drop off only. That is the past and i need time to heal and improve my self. 

1) You had no choice there.  When someone wants to leave, you can't stop that.  The longer you "Feel" that way... the longer you will be hurting yourself.

2) YOU WILL NOT BE GOING TO EAT TOGETHER !!!! PERIOD !!!!  You will not be doing anything together anymore. Just get that into your head.

3) That is an absolute great point. I'm happy to hear it come from you.  She has no reason to come into your house, and to be honest, if you think she is a little unstable... you don't need her in there, and claim you did something to her.  My ex may step into my front entrance, but that's all the farther she is aloud. I also have cameras mounted around for proof if needed.  Since she has moved out of my house... I have not stepped one toe inside her place. 

Stay strong... it's not easy.  But as I said before... you aren't the only one who this has happed to, or has felt this way. We are here to help, but you have to be accepting of our help.

Edited April 8, 2020 by Blind-Sided

[whatdoido123]

hey all, 

its been a really tough couple of days. So i finally dropped off the letter to her on tuesday.

I told her that i want my daughter on Saturday and Sunday and shes like no, and that i can only have her for one of the day. We texted back and forth all tuesday and wednesday about it, and she keeps saying i am manipulating her and i was abusive (not physically she said) and that i was the worst bf ever. She says i am demanding and never let her win her way. 

Honestly, thinking back, i thought it was 50/50 most of the time, but idk why she would say it like that. I told her Finneeee u win again, i will just take her Saturday for now until you feel comfortable. Shes like if your gonna say that just come visit her on Saturday instead of taking her to your house and spending the night with her. 

I mean that hurts me hardcore. Even thought i wasn't around for the 2 years and only saw her on weekend, it hurts. yeah i made some bone head excuse, but why does she have to rub it against my wound. Its already hurting, but the way she says it hurts even more

We did not text all of yesterday, i tried to block her out and not think about it, but she texted me around 11pm last night and said our daughter has a high fever and shes taking her to the doctor tomorrow. I told her let me know if she needs help and i can come over, and shes said will do

So i wake up this morning and ask how shes doing, shes like i will update you after the doctor appointment. Just by her tone of wording she doesn't even wanna talk to me about it. I mean i am happy to know that she told me our daughter is feeling ill, but show me more. Show me that you actually care and will tell me exactly what is going on. 

 

 

I am hurt.... and waiting for the text about how my daughter is doing now....this is very painful

 

[whatdoido123]

I AM HURT! CAN ANYONE HELP ME???????????

so my daughter is sick with the flu so i let me ex gf spend the night today at my house. 

i know i said its just drop off and pick up only, but i can't help it

maybe i still haven't moved on

but i can't and i find out on her phone that she is super in love with the guy and she wants to get preg with his baby by early next year. 

THIS IS SO f***ED UP

[basil67]

You must learn to help yourself

Edited April 12, 2020 by basil67