desert88 Posted April 2, 2020 Share Posted April 2, 2020 This is a weird situation, but hopefully someone can relate. I dated this guy when I was 22, for a few months. I was moving out of state, so it never really went anywhere, but we became genuine best friends even though both of us were dating other people. I moved back to his state 6 months after I moved and went to his house to hang out, since we were still really good friends. I was introduced to one of his friends, who I am now married to. We kinda lost touch bc of his gf I’m assuming, and then he moved to PA. So, my husband and I had not seen or talked to him in about 8 years. My husband and I moved to Las Vegas 4 years ago. Fast forward to now, we are 32, and my ex/ex best friend, applied for a job in las vegas. So he reached out to my husband, to help him out etc bc he found out we both lived there. So, when he came here, my husband and I went over his house to say hi. It was really weird and I had terrible anxiety before seeing him because it had been so long. Mind you we were friends longer than we dated. So it was fine seeing him. Definitely got better looking. Then recently, he wrote me on fb asking if it was okay if he come over to hang out because he is going crazy being alone at home, doesn’t know anyone. I said of course. He came over, and I again was instantly attracted to him. Tried to keep it normal even with alcohol involved. Now I feel like I can’t get him off my mind. It is the weirdest thing, and now I’m sure he will be coming around again. If he was never my husbands friend from HS, I would probably never see him, for obvious reasons. Is it normal to be attracted to someone else? I feel like this is an odd situation, considering he’s my husbands friend, and he’s my ex. So, it’s gonna be hard for him to not come around. Link to post Share on other sites
usa1ah Posted April 2, 2020 Share Posted April 2, 2020 Yes it is normal to be attracted to someone else. Just understand that you are in dangerous ground. Never see him alone. Talk with your husband about it as well. Be honest about what your feeling and ask for help. Change your thoughts when you start thinking about him. 2 1 Link to post Share on other sites
colingrant Posted April 2, 2020 Share Posted April 2, 2020 You're on a slippery slope and about to fall. Evacuate before he sees in you what you see in him. Freight trains don't stop easily. Men are vulnerable to women who are vulnerable if that makes sense. Another way to put it. Some men instinctively submit to lust when they see (or feel) a female is ripe and is attracted to them. Please, please believe me here and abort this. Never, ever allow him to come over without your husband around. 3 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author desert88 Posted April 2, 2020 Author Share Posted April 2, 2020 Sorry I didn’t mention that my husband was there also. I was definitely not alone. Thanks for the feedback. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted April 2, 2020 Share Posted April 2, 2020 It would be best if he weren’t around. It doesn’t take much for these situations to get out of hand. beware !!!!!!! definitely no one on one time or communication 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author desert88 Posted April 8, 2020 Author Share Posted April 8, 2020 This guy and I met at a party in 2010, and we started dating for a couple months. Everything was fine at first, but a couple months in, I got the vibe that he wasn't really interested anymore, but he had been depressed since he was a kid, plus after being in the military for 4 years, it made a difference, so I think that had to do with it. Anyway, I was 22 at the time, so I didn't understand it and thought it was him not being interested, so I ended things. He said he didn't want to lose me as a friend, and typically this doesn't happen, but since it was more on the friendship side for both of us, it worked out. I dated someone else, he casually dated, and we maintained our close friendship for about a year. Then he was ready for a gf, and started dating this girl. I think shortly after that, our texts were becoming less and less. Eventually I feel like they stopped. I was hurt, but I understood, because it's an awkward situation for the gf. They broke up after a year, and he moved out of state. I hadn't talked to him or seen him, besides a couple likes on fb here and there. Fast forward to now, I am living in Nevada and he got a job out here. He went to HS with my husband, which I met my husband through him actually. Neither of us had seen or talked to him since 2012. So, he reached out to my husband and said he was moving here. I decided to message him on facebook asking him if he wanted some things, that we had extra of. We talked some, but not much. He kind of started some conversations that made me feel like, hey, maybe it'll get back to the way it was. We went and saw him at his house, and mostly my husband talked. It was really awkward for me, because we were so close and knew so much personal things about each other, and it was cut of kind of abruptly, so I didn't know how to approach the situation. He came over our house a couple weeks later, and again my husband did most of the talking. Which, I get, because they have a lot of HS stories etc. So, I haven't had an opportunity to really talk about what happened to our friendship. He opened up again about his depression to me over messenger and his medication etc. and I had talked to him about that. The conversations aren't really going anywhere. I'll text him and see how he's doing, he'll say one thing, then I respond, and then he doesn't. I know it has been a while since we have talked and I've only seen him twice, and didn't really get to talk to him, but I'm wondering if I should just let it go and leave it up to him and see where it goes or just try to start conversations with him. I really miss our friendship, and now that he's here it makes me think about it more. I also don't know too much about depression and how that may affect our friendship. Any advice would be helpful. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted April 8, 2020 Share Posted April 8, 2020 May I ask why it is so important to have the man's friendship and does your husband know you want to start up a friendship with him? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted April 8, 2020 Share Posted April 8, 2020 Stay away. You're married. Rekindling this "friendship" will not be good for your marriage. It's OK to socialize with this guy as a couple -- with your husband -- but do not seek out one on one time with this guy. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Robert2016 Posted April 15, 2020 Share Posted April 15, 2020 (edited) You say he's your husband's friend (and that's why he'll continue to be around the house) - then why did he contact you (not your husband) to come over? The next time he invites himself over (and that's what he did), just say you're busy. Understand that your marriage is much more important than being polite or being friends just for old times sake. PLUS I can't imagine your husband will resist if you say you're not comfortable having your X around. Be very careful. Experience shows that Xs are high risk. 1- They stir up old positive feelings (it's deceiving because you really don't know 'who' they are today or what it would be like married to them 24/7). 2 - You naturally compare feelings triggered by the X to feelings triggered by your spouse. NO spouse can compete and it's unfair as well as inappropriate to do so. For example, the X can smile at you/compliment you/or make a joke and trigger shivers vs your husband where the reaction if much less intense because you live with him everyday. It's human nature and I don't fault you for finding the X attractive. However, you have an obligation to take measures to protect yourself (and your marriage) from acting on your feelings. In view of your strong attraction, there's no middle ground here. IMO you need to avoid the X. Zero contact. Why? because each contact re ignites & escalates your attraction to him. Keep him at a distance on Facebook by denying him the privilege of reading your posts/timeline/pics. Finally, there's many good books written on how to protect your marriage with certain boundaries. I don't recall the title but one that helped us was written by Dr Shirley Glass about "Friends" and is based on surveys of couples that experienced infidelity. What's noteworthy is that all the cheaters did not set out to cheat (and felt they could control their emotions). Edited April 15, 2020 by Robert2016 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted April 15, 2020 Share Posted April 15, 2020 I agree that if he is your husband's friend he should have contacted him to come over. Why did he contact you instead? I'm glad your husband was there and it wasn't just the two of you sitting around drinking together. You should let your husband hang out with him alone from now on because seeing him feeds your fantasy. Link to post Share on other sites
Bryanp Posted April 15, 2020 Share Posted April 15, 2020 If the roles were reversed, would you be okay with your husband doing what you are doing. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
GeorgiaPeach1 Posted April 15, 2020 Share Posted April 15, 2020 You're a married woman now. Quit chasing attention from another man, especially one that disappeared on you. Link to post Share on other sites
notbroken Posted April 23, 2020 Share Posted April 23, 2020 If you want to end up divorced and unhappy then just keep having this guy come over. Recipe for disaster. Avoid him like the plague. Seriously. Link to post Share on other sites
K.K. Posted April 23, 2020 Share Posted April 23, 2020 On 4/1/2020 at 8:59 PM, desert88 said: This is a weird situation, but hopefully someone can relate. I dated this guy when I was 22, for a few months. I was moving out of state, so it never really went anywhere, but we became genuine best friends even though both of us were dating other people. I moved back to his state 6 months after I moved and went to his house to hang out, since we were still really good friends. I was introduced to one of his friends, who I am now married to. We kinda lost touch bc of his gf I’m assuming, and then he moved to PA. So, my husband and I had not seen or talked to him in about 8 years. My husband and I moved to Las Vegas 4 years ago. Fast forward to now, we are 32, and my ex/ex best friend, applied for a job in las vegas. So he reached out to my husband, to help him out etc bc he found out we both lived there. So, when he came here, my husband and I went over his house to say hi. It was really weird and I had terrible anxiety before seeing him because it had been so long. Mind you we were friends longer than we dated. So it was fine seeing him. Definitely got better looking. Then recently, he wrote me on fb asking if it was okay if he come over to hang out because he is going crazy being alone at home, doesn’t know anyone. I said of course. He came over, and I again was instantly attracted to him. Tried to keep it normal even with alcohol involved. Now I feel like I can’t get him off my mind. It is the weirdest thing, and now I’m sure he will be coming around again. If he was never my husbands friend from HS, I would probably never see him, for obvious reasons. Is it normal to be attracted to someone else? I feel like this is an odd situation, considering he’s my husbands friend, and he’s my ex. So, it’s gonna be hard for him to not come around. Ohhh what a tangled web we beez weavin. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
GoldenR Posted April 23, 2020 Share Posted April 23, 2020 If you don't want to stop your H from being around him, then you need to remove yourself from the equation. Stop texting him. Stop calling him. Stop communicating with him in any way, shape or form. When he comes over, leave him with your H and go to the bedroom. Link to post Share on other sites
JS84 Posted April 25, 2020 Share Posted April 25, 2020 It's not a weird situation at all. It's not even that uncommon. You need to cut that guy out of your life like yesterday. No friendship, no socializing, no being buddies with the hubby, no facebook friends, etc. Seen countless stories that start out just like or similar enough to yours that end in divorce or severely damaged marriages. You know you're playing with fire, you just want someone here to tell you how to do so without being burned. Not possible. Bringing this guy back into your lives was completely unnecessary and very potentially damaging. You need to keep him out of it. Link to post Share on other sites
Buffer Posted April 25, 2020 Share Posted April 25, 2020 Talk to hubby about your feelings now! It will only get ugly if you two start a intimate A be emotionally or physically. Unless you want to use this as a exit A one day at a time buffer Link to post Share on other sites
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