I'm hopelessly in love with one of my Ex's best friends :/

[idiot_]

Hi all,

So this is a long explanation. I have had feelings for this girl (let’s call her ‘A’ ) for over a year now. When i first realised I was developing a crush on A we started talking, it went really well, we would flirt lots and spend lots of time together or around each other but neither of us ever vocalised that we liked each other. But, after a few months when I made a move she turned me down saying that it wasn’t a good time for her (she was going through dealing with some severe mental health issues). i accepted this and while i still had a crush on her i convinced myself to move on. Though this did not happen quickly.

So some months have passed, i still have a crush on A but i have moved it to the back of my mind and have been trying to get out there and talk to other people. During this time i start talking to one of A’s best friends (lets call her K). K and i hit it off really well and after not too lone we decide to date. Things are going well with K i’m happy but, whenever we hang out as a group with A and other friends i find myself drawn to A, it’s constant, and even tho i have repressed my feelings for A it shows through sometimes. I also still talk to A a lot, we snapchat and text and are super close, we talk to each other about personal things, talk about our problems and i feel really happy when talking to her.  

Fast forward in time K and i have been dating for 6 months, everything has gone really well and i like her although i must admit that i wasn’t able to see a long term relationship with K when i looked to the future. over the last half a month or so of the relationship i realised that me still gravitating to A is due to me still having feelings for her. One night while drunk i confessed these feelings for A over the phone. she confessed back saying that she had feelings for me and had for a long time, and that the reason she turned me down was partly due to not wanting to drag me into her mental health problems but also because she was scared of the way she felt about me. 

After confessing these things to each other we hung out a couple times, the first time we didn’t kiss although i really wanted to, but, the second time we hung out we kissed, we both wanted it, but we both felt terrible about what this would do to K. we decided not to tell K initially. We continued to talk lots and we were really really close, i realised i was and had been in love with A. We still felt really bad about how this would hurt K so after a week or so we decided that i needed to tell K what had happened. It sucked bc K was still very special to me but i did it. K and i broke up very shortly after this, it didn’t end super messy and we tried to maintain some friendship through communication. K was angry at both A and i but i feel she was more angry at A. K was also very hurt by this situation as i believe she saw me as a long term partner. 

Fast forward some more, K and i are not talking a lot anymore, K and A are not talking that much either, however A doesn’t want to loose K. A and i still talk lots and have hung out once or twice more but not kissed or anything again. A mutual best friend of both K and A (let’s call her S) has convinced A that if she doesn’t stop talking to me then A cannot be friends with K or S. So, A cuts things off with me completely, which i understand, these people are her friends of many years. It really fkn hurts, more so then breaking up with K, but i understand. A month passes without me or A talking at all, then, at a party we see each other, we talk heaps and both agree that we still have feelings for each other and that it fkn sucks not talking, so, we start talking again. very quickly things go back to usual, we click so well and both seem to make each other better people. Then we decide to hang out again although this time it’s more of asking each other on a date. We hang out and everything works so well between us, like we have known each other for years, we make out a lot but other then getting a bit handsy, no further. keep in mind that this is 1 and a half maybe 2 months after the split with K. We have a really great time together, we talk about our feelings lots, she really likes me and i really like her. 

But it’s not happily ever after yet, S finds out that A and i are talking again and that we have made out and is furious, she tells K and K is upset about it. S again gives A the ultimatum of me or them and A reluctantly chooses them. Again we don’t talk for a month but this times it’s different, this time we both know that the feelings are there and that they’re strong. 

Now to the present, last week A and i called and talked for the first time in a month. I love her and she loves me but she is in a position where no matter what choice she makes she is going to hurt someone, if she chooses me she hurts K and risks loosing S, if she chooses K and S she hurts me and herself. basically it fkn sucks. She doesn’t want me to wait and hold out hope because she wants me to be happy, but i’m happy when i’m with her and i know she wants to be with me because we have talked about this, and the only reason we aren’t is because there are other people’s feelings involved. So i want to wait, i would wait because it would be worth it, worth it to be with A.

So what i’m asking is, what do i do? do A and i start talking again now and not tell anyone (this seems like it would suck blog having to be secretive but i want to bc we hate not talking to each-other). Or, do we not talk for the moment and wait a few months so that if people are still hurt they aren’t hurt as much? I do not want to give up because i can really see a future relationship with A so any advice would be super appreciated. i feel that to make things happen with A i would have to talk to K about it but idk. i really needed to talk to someone about this ahaha. 

If u need anymore information just ask  thanks in advance for ur help.  

Edited April 2, 2020 by idiot_

[Juha]

 

How old are the people involved here?  I am guessing mid 20's or lower.

 

Either way it is a sticky situation and A's friends are being selfish and they would want her to be happy instead of trying to punish her

so I assume they are very immature just by their actions.  Real friends would want you happy and not be vindictive, that shows you a lot about how a person is.

Yes, what happened to K was not fair nor right but if she actually cared about A and or you she would not be acting like this.  

 

My advice to you and A are to never let other people make decisions for your life.  Do not let other people blackmail you into doing things.

That is what is happening here  with A.  I would tell A that she should go all in with you and stop torturing the both of you with this push and pull due to her so called friends.

You and her need to find out what you have and explore this, obviously it is not just a thing or infatuation from what you describe.

You and A deserve to be happy and if her friends are that small minded then so be it but you and A could have something special and be together for a long time.

 

Maybe A can try to talk with her friends about this, make some headway with them telling the how important they are to her but that you are also and 

special.  Sorry that K got dumped but also you never had any long term thoughts with her.  She needs to move on and grow up.  

S needs to butt out of things she is not a part of, she is nothing but a trouble maker and not a real friend of A by any means.

 

Those are my suggestions

I wish the both of you luck

[sandylee1]

This all sounds like you're teenagers. 

 

It was poor judgement to date K when you had a crush on her friend. 

How would you feel if you were K. It's like being second best.

A doesn't love you more than she values her friends.

[preraph]

Well, there's consequences to actions.  A values the relationship with K and the other friend.  Whether K will take her back, who knows.  The whole thing is devastating to K.  She may lose two people here both at once.  I doubt A is all that invested in you, so she's choosing her old friend, if she'll have her, and I think that's the ethical thing for her to do, though it may be too late.  

[smackie9]

Ya I know it take two to tango, you both did a very bad thing to K. And now here you two are, going at it again. What did you expect was going to happen? You have caused enough damage, don't encourage her to do things behind K's back a third time. It's so wrong. A, suffers from depression, and she's about to lose her friendships....where does that leave her? She's gonna not want anything to do with you anymore. Back off bud and leave her alone.

[Difficultstuff]

Keeping talking to A and not telling anyone is a bad idea - if you are going to have anything long term you're surely not going to want to hide it from people.

I say back off, don't talk at all. Move forward and let A come back only if she wants and is able to commit. Not saying that's easy, but you seem maybe more invested than she is, and she's cut you off because of all this before. 

It sounds like you're clear about what you want, but that she needs to deal with the issues in her relationships with K and S. So yes, give it up - maybe things change in a few months, maybe not, but it all comes across as too emotionally charged and unhealthy for all of you right now. 

[Mystery4u]

Doesnt sounds like A loves you at all if I'm being honest. If she did, you two would be an item, she would not be listening to S telling her what to do, and she would be out of K's life for good, and rightly so, because what she did to K is unforgivable. What you did to K is even worse but that's another story...

A's actions speak much louder than words. Her 'friends' are more important to her than you. Why would you even want to be with someone who doesn't prioritise you, I don't know.

A similar situation happened to a friend of mine. He broke up with his girlfriend, and within days his best friend started going out with her. He dropped that friend from his life, who is still together with my friend's ex to this day, about 5 years now. They are happy together.

If yours and A's love was as strong as you claim you would be together, no excuses.

[elaine567]

Do you really want to get involved with a girl with mental health issues who keeps leaving you for her so called friends.
If she had any integrity she would never have stolen you away from K, to then keep unceremoniously dumping you as she doesn't want to upset her friends...
Too much drama, she is loving all the power she has here.
You besotted, stick around like a love sick puppy waiting for the next time she graces you with her attention.
Meanwhile she is fooling her friends by seeing you behind their backs...
Its a game. 
RUN
Find a nice straightforward girl.

[assertives]

On 4/5/2020 at 7:09 AM, Mystery4u said:

A's actions speak much louder than words. Her 'friends' are more important to her than you.

And yet in spite of that.. she could do what she did to K. Yea, no, I would say stay away from this girl. Find new friends and hang out with different friend groups or hang out at different places to avoid running into her again.