Is it his depression or is it me?

[Katie0287]

So I'd been with my partner 6 years, engaged 18 months. I've always had quite a fiery nature, we sometimes have drunken arguments and I can be quick to fly off the handle but this hasn't changed over 6 years, I was that person when he proposed. On the surface none of this seemed to bother him, i even thought he quite liked that side of me. He was the opposite, not confrotational at all but he lacked ambition, would get drunk quite often and his family always told me he needed someone like me to keep him in check and motivate him. I didn't like his attitude to drinking, he would drink to get as drunk as possible, apparently I calmed him down a lot but it still happened with me.

These were small parts of the relationship but we were also best friends, so in love, had such amazing times, so much fun together and envisaged a future with each other.

He was prescribed anti depressants over a year ago, he did not seem depressed in the slightest but suffered with abdominal cramps and these helped.
He's always been very closed and was never willing to have serious conversations with me, so nothing more was ever discussed though I tried.
Last year we bought our first house and moved back in with my parents for 6 months whilst renovating, so there was much less focus on our relationship and going on dates etc. We were just saving money, working overtime, working on the house and i was a lot more stressed. He was sleeping badly but was in a tough job with messy hours. In December his dad who lives in another country had a heart attack which shook him up quite badly.
In January we moved into our new house but it wasn't completed and was still a mess, this caused me to be very stressed and picking unnecessary arguments.

At the end of January he ran out of his tablets, we argued over the house over the course of that week and then he sunk into a depressive episode and was withdrawn.

On Valentine's day I came home to him crying, he finally told me that all he could think about was all of our arguments, he had thought about suicide once last year after we had an argument and also that week as a result of us arguing. He said he grew up with his parents arguing and didn't want it in his future.

I was distraught. It was the first time he had ever opened up to me about this, i tried to explain we'd had a stressful year. He said he was going to go home (another country) to get counselling but that he would be back and we could go to a relationship counsellor in the future. I also vowed to change, acknowledged I have issues with anger and stress, enlisted a therapist to deal with my issues and started to focus on myself.

We were still in contact every day via texts, telling each other we love each other but I was giving him space, not calling him and not getting into deep conversations. I acknowledged the break could be a really good thing for us.

1 month later he flew over and wanted to meet for a coffee - not at the house - and he broke up with me. He said he will always love me but can't be in a relationship with me, can't try to fix things because he can't risk it as he has been self harming and that he needs to move back to be with his family (which he has never indicated he wanted before). He was in a really bad way, shaking, sweating, crying so I told him I accepted this although I didn't.
I've obviously been really worried about him so last week contacted a member of his family to ask how he is and also said I still feel a bit unsure of where I stand. I got a really nasty message off him shocked at me messaging his family, telling me it's over, that I hadn't accepted it like I'd said and there is no chance for us now - only as friends. The tone of the message was so out of character for him.

I replied that I needed some kind of explanation - I then got a very well worded message (that sounded nothing like him and I sense came from his sister) that he had became unhappy in the relationship and reached breaking point, he's sorry for hurting me and wants to limit contact.
He pretty much left with the clothes on his back and hasn't even mentioned all of his belongings or had a conversation with me.
I feel like my whole future I thought I had has gone.

He acknowledged that if he had opened up we could have worked on our issues. But it seems it's too late now.

I know I have to accept this is what he wants and try to move on. But I also know how in love we were, that the last message didnt come from him and that he is suffering with severe depression.

He recently told a mutual friend that he "lost the plot and split up with me"

In the back of my mind I hope that when his mental health improves he will see the positive in me and find the strength to come back to try- he is currently in a 3 month counselling programme to help him get off the anti depressants.

But then the other part of me wonders if he has been suppressing how he feels about me for a very long time and that he sees me as the cause of all of his mental troubles and he won't be able to ever see past that.

I know that i won't get these answers, as he's in another country I can't even see him to see how he is now. All I can do is focus on myself , become a better person and if it's meant to be then it will as the decision to come back lies solely with him...But it's easier said than done as all I can think of is him, he's been such a massive part of my life and what I thought would be my future. It's just frustrating that we've never tried to fix things.

Edited April 2, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Added paragraphs

[scooby-philly]

OP,

I'm sorry for your pain and your suffering. It sounds like a bit a of a complex story. I think, in my opinion, I could boil down what you shared to a few key points by highlighting a couple of things you shared that struck me as very, very important:

I've always had quite a fiery nature, we sometimes have drunken arguments and I can be quick to fly off the handle but this hasn't changed over 6 years, I was that person when he proposed. I even thought he quite liked that side of me. He was the opposite, not confrotational at all but he lacked ambition, would get drunk quite often and his family always told me he needed someone like me to keep him in check and motivate him. I didn't like his attitude to drinking

• Don't excuse your behavior. You can certainly work on this moving forward regardless of how things work out with this guy.
• No guy likes a drama queen or someone with a very bad temper. Men put up with that either for the "amazing sex" and/or because they have little to know self-worth. I don't mean to be offensive, and I do believe anger is a healthy emotion, but being "quick to fly off the handle" is not an attractive quality to any sane person and it's not healthy for you.
• From what you share later, he may be non-confrontational if he grew up in a toxic home where he couldn't "fix" the problem and now as an adult, he can't face the darkness inside of him, discover his own self-worth, and lead his own life and make choices based on what he truly wants. Plus, he probably doesn't know how to talk, behave, and communicate in a healthy fashion or he second guesses himself because a certain level or type of "crazy" or "drama" was the "norm" for him growing up.
• Look at how you just described him - two big negative comments - lacking in ambition and a "functional?" alcoholic. Now, alone they're not the end of a relationship. Together, they can make things difficult - but the question is - where is your self-worth in all of this? You have to love the person as they are NOW, not the way they COULD BE. And...it's not your job to "keep him in check" and "motivate him". I mean, sure, we can and should do those things from time to time for our partners just as they do that for us (and other things too) but if at some point he doesn't take over and find a little bit of that in himself, then you're not acting as a partner anymore, you're acting like a parent.

These were small parts of the relationship but we were also best friends, so in love, had such amazing times, so much fun together and envisaged a future with each other.

• Love isn't always enough. Love is just part of the foundation. Trust, empathy, a similar lifestyle, shared beliefs/values, financial compatibility, shared opinion on kids/no kids and how to raise them, religious and political compatibility, etc, - those are also part of the foundation. 
• I remember reading a summary or analysis of a psychological study years ago. The number factor that determined divorce in the couples studied was when one or both partners starting feeling "contempt" for their partner. Don't know enough about you, him, your relationship or either of your feelings - but it's worth self-examining how you were feeling all this time, because clearly you ignored some personal red flags to make it work and he probably was doing the same.

He's always been very closed and was never willing to have serious conversations with me, so nothing more was ever discussed though I tried.

• It's unfortunate - a lot of people put up with this sort of crap. Again, it's not your job to be your partner's parent and it's not your job to "fix" them. Sure, a lot of relationships/marriages last a long time where one or both partners aren't the most emotionally open, mature, or healthy. But it's also a question of other factors that influence/get influenced by that lack of openness and also a question of what happens along the way. Look at how many couples go 10, 15, 25 years and then one small thing happens and poof - it's done. Because it was the one area in the "armor" that an arrow finally got through.
• Secondarily - why would you accept a proposal, why would you buy a house with someone who wasn't able to talk about the "big things" and the "necessary things" with you? Look, I'm not an expert by experience - I'm 38 and I'm single and no kids - cause I was the "nice guy" who stayed with the wrong people simply because they said yes and because I didn't know my own self-worth or stick up for my wants, needs, dreams, etc. So I'm not preaching because I've got the best track record. But I have learned through very painful experience that you can have the life you want w/o a partner and that true love hits you when don't compromise on your non-negotiables, your "essentials", and that plenty of people will stay in a relationship for months, years even, simply because THEY don't see anything different/better for themselves. 

Last year we bought our first house and moved back in with my parents for 6 months whilst renovating, so there was much less focus on our relationship and going on dates etc. We were just saving money, working overtime, working on the house and i was a lot more stressed. He was sleeping badly but was in a tough job with messy hours. In December his dad who lives in another country had a heart attack which shook him up quite badly.In January we moved into our new house but it wasn't completed and was still a mess, this caused me to be very stressed and picking unnecessary arguments.

• So again, regardless of any or no future with this particular guy - it sounds like you need to learn how to express anger, frustration, and handle setbacks, delays, etc. with a calmer attitude and also not blame your partner (or other people) and direct your emotions where they belong. Something to think about. 
• And it's in times of stress that relationships often fail or start to wither and then fail. His lack of communication skills took what could have simply been a challenging time and made it an obstacle course for you and your anger/belittlement probably exacerbated his tendency to shut down and withdraw.

On Valentine's day I came home to him crying, he finally told me that all he could think about was all of our arguments, he had thought about suicide once last year after we had an argument and also that week as a result of us arguing. He said he grew up with his parents arguing and didn't want it in his future. I was distraught. It was the first time he had ever opened up to me about this, i tried to explain we'd had a stressful year. He said he was going to go home (another country) to get counselling but that he would be back and we could go to a relationship counsellor in the future. I also vowed to change, acknowledged I have issues with anger and stress, enlisted a therapist to deal with my issues and started to focus on myself.

• Ding ding ding - we have a winner. He's got problems he needs to work on. And he, unfortunately for you, doesn't have the capacity to work on those and live his life and he thinks the answer lies in moving back home and being with family, when the answer is only inside of him. BUT...you probably won't be able to get him to understand that and it's not your job and it could very well be a waste of your time and energy - so....if you want to leave the "door open to him" that's fine  - but he's going to have to come back on his own accord.

I've obviously been really worried about him so last week contacted a member of his family to ask how he is and also said I still feel a bit unsure of where I stand. I got a really nasty message off him shocked at me messaging his family, telling me it's over, that I hadn't accepted it like I'd said and there is no chance for us now - only as friends. The tone of the message was so out of character for him.

• There's a great quote I love - "character is who you are when you think nobody is watching". Obviously it is part of his character - you just didn't know it. Unfortunate for you, but you are not there with him and his family every day, and you're not in his mind, so you don't know what's going on and you don't know who he blames for what and how he sees certain things. Even if wasn't him and it was a family member blaming you for his current state - you don't deserve that (no matter how imperfect you are) and he needs to (in that case) take charge/ownership of his life. 

But then the other part of me wonders if he has been suppressing how he feels about me for a very long time and that he sees me as the cause of all of his mental troubles and he won't be able to ever see past that.

• Could very well be. Unfortunately that's why it's absolutely necessary to talk about "important things" and have open communication, emotional intimacy, and share secrets as a couple, because otherwise you find yourself in a situation like this.

I know that i won't get these answers, as he's in another country I can't even see him to see how he is now. All I can do is focus on myself , become a better person and if it's meant to be then it will as the decision to come back lies solely with him...But it's easier said than done as all I can think of is him, he's been such a massive part of my life and what I thought would be my future. It's just frustrating that we've never tried to fix things.

• Quick summary of my life - 38, single, no kids. Educated, family oriented, good career. Playful, silly, hard working, etc. Not perfect but a good "catch". Was tease mercilessly as a child, my parents weren't there for us emotionally as kids and I had to navigate and make life choices on my own because of the way my parents were. I was closed off, a "know-ita all", and had very, very poor self-esteem. Joined the seminary at 22 after college because I didn't know what else to do and didn't know I could live my own life and learn. Left at 28 when I finally had the courage to speak my truth and open up. 3 "failed" long-term relationships (almost getting married years ago) and plenty of short-term things in between. Last relationship - I thought it was "the one". I though she was "the one". I was 36, she 22 when we met. I didn't care about the age gap because the initial chemistry was off the charts, I thought she was "everything I was looking for", and I was ignorant to her love bombing me in the beginning. I confused her lack of friends and a social life and her quiet demeanor as being "mature" - underneath her "good girl" facade was a lonely, bitter, ashamed, and frightful little girl with no dating experience and a crazy, shame-based family. I thought exactly what you thought - "would be my future"....the problem is things need to be great NOW. Your gut has to be happy NOW. You're life can't wait and you're choices must be made on your feelings NOW, your partner as the are NOW. My ex wasn't allowed to date by her parents so we "snuck around them" for the 2 years we were together. Major red flag I ignored at my own peril. I understand now that I also ignored several other red flags and was waiting for the day she would tell them and she would move out and we could "be together". Well, in hindsight she could never tell them because that would destroy her "good girl" facade and she will need many years away from home to establish her own identity, leave the shame and anger and bitterness and the low self-esteem behind. I'm ready for a healthy, mature, adult relationship NOW.
• I share all of that because I think so many of us on here are decent, good people (though each flawed and in need of work in some way) - and that we don't realize that we can have the life we want NOW. And eventually, when we least expect it, when we're fully ourselves, fully comfortable with ourselves, and fully capable of saying "no, this won't work" to any bad/wrong dating option that comes our way, that we will eventually (after some trial/error or "dating" as it's called) find someone for the long-term. Just remember that moving forward. Don't settle!

[scooby-philly]

I also meant to write, but got distracted earlier - the last part of your message is the #1 thing to keep in mind:

But it's easier said than done as all I can think of is him, he's been such a massive part of my life and what I thought would be my future. It's just frustrating that we've never tried to fix things.

People have to want to get better. People have to want to open up. And it's 2020 - while we all need to help our children, future children, grandchildren, friends' kids, etc. learn how to be open, honest, and emotionally healthy beings - a certain onus is always and will always be on the individual. I've learned that lesson the hard way, especially with my recent heartbreak. If your partner does not share what's wrong, if they don't share their thoughts and feelings, if they don't share their fears, their worries, their dreams, their hopes, their deepest, darkest secrets (and yes, to keep it light - their deepest, darkest "fantasies" lol), what can you do? It's like trying to play jazz when one person is playing the sax really well (or at least well enough) and the other player (take your pick - bassist, pianist, drummer) - isn't open, they're not comfortable, they shut down, etc. you get the point. Relationships are a two way street and require the cooperation, input, and effort of both parties. While you maybe need to not wait 6 years to find this out the hard way about your ex, you now know that and moving forward, 6-12 months you need to start thinking "where is this going long term", and don't spent more than another 12 months waiting for a good answer that fits with what you want out of life.

[Lotsgoingon]

This line jumped out at me, screamed at me: He's always been very closed and was never willing to have serious conversations with me, so nothing more was ever discussed though I tried.

I'm sorry, but if he was always closed and never willing to have serious conversations, you guys didn't have a serious relationship. You had something like elementary-school or junior-high school kids have. But actually junior-high couples will open up to each other about life and insecurities and so on. Now you add on his withdrawal and depression. 

He has to work on the depression himself--and not for you or for the relationship. 

 

 

[Katie0287]

Thanks so much for your responses. They've really helped.

I accept my part in why the relationship failed and am working on better managing my stress and anger. I've found myself blaming myself a lot for how I've made him feel, knowing I've been a trigger in making the person I love reach breaking point has been really hard to take.

But your posts have helped me to see that he is responsible for this as well. He's not communicated how he's felt with me. We've both just been letting things go without addressing the fact the relationship wasn't healthy for either us. 

I still hope we can have a discussion in a few months to see how we both feel about trying again. But I'm going to set a limit and try to move on after that. 

Thanks

[Emilie Jolie]

3 hours ago, Katie0287 said:

But I'm going to set a limit and try to move on after that. 

I would take him at his word, and move on from today. He knows where to find you if he changes his mind.

A good idea would be to box his stuff and start talking about what to do with the house. I'm sorry, this may sound a little cold, but there's no better time than today. 

It's understandable for him to want to be surrounded by family; self-harming and suicidal thoughts are way beyond the scope of a partner only. It's unfortunate that his support system is in another country, but it's the right choice for him, as distancing himself from his past is a major part in his recovery, even though it must be very hurtful for you.

Best of luck, Katie. Hopefully you'll find a better match for you.

Edited April 8, 2020 by Emilie Jolie

[scooby-philly]

3 hours ago, Katie0287 said:

Thanks so much for your responses. They've really helped.

I accept my part in why the relationship failed and am working on better managing my stress and anger. I've found myself blaming myself a lot for how I've made him feel, knowing I've been a trigger in making the person I love reach breaking point has been really hard to take.

But your posts have helped me to see that he is responsible for this as well. He's not communicated how he's felt with me. We've both just been letting things go without addressing the fact the relationship wasn't healthy for either us. 

I still hope we can have a discussion in a few months to see how we both feel about trying again. But I'm going to set a limit and try to move on after that. 

Thanks

ABSOLUTELY f***ING NO. DO NOT THINK IT. DO NOT HOPE FOR IT. DO NOT WISH IT. AND DO NOT SPEND YOUR TIME, ENERGY, or THOUGHTS ON THIS!!! I'm 100% (can you tell by the all caps  ) serious. Two great barriers to self-growth and recovery (in any relationship (and applies to your career and life in general too)) - do not fantasize about what could be - focus on what is. He's not healthy and you're not healthy and together you're really not healthy. And secondly - do not fantasize about getting back together. It's a very rare thing for people to grow up or change in just 6-12 months - because behaviors form over time and they rarely un-form in a short amount of time. Is there a sliver of chance you might work out in a year or two - maybe - but by then you will have grown, changed, and moved on yourself and the "new you" may not even like the "new (or old) him". Plus, unless you disappear into the witness protection program or move to a different country and start life anew with an alias - he would be able to eventually track you down if he wanted a second go around. Move on and more importantly - move on with your words, your dreams, and your fantasies. 

Also - not saying this is easy. I'm not innocent of this myself in the past and even in the past 7.5 months after my last breakup. BUT I am learning and I think a lot of people who've helped me on here and some good friends irl would tell you the same thing I just said. If you focus less on the fantasy of who he was in your head and see him for who he really is, then you will learn and your inner child can let go. And also - you can't control what your mind, your emotions, your ego does as you heal - but you can "recognize, name, and then stop" fantasies, spiraling, and other problems and talk to yourself and say "nope, we're not going there" - let the emotions out but then use your rational, adult mind to say what we say to the god of death - Not Today! (G.O.T. quote).