Need advice, I'm lost and unhappy...

[uleryrns]

Ok, so here I am. Been married for 6 years, together for 7.

 

My husband has Bipolar Disorder. For the majority of our marriage, he's been verbally abusive. He's never been physical to me, but he has thrown things, broken things, put holes in walls and broke his own hand hitting a wall once.

 

I love him, but have come to really dislike him. He finds fault with me all the time. And constantly turns things around on me, so it's my fault he's angry and I'm a b----- to him and make sarcastic and snide comments to him all the time.

 

I admit I do make comments sometimes that can come across snappy and snide, but I grew up with a parent who did that and so I've learned it and have done it all my life. Not an excuse, but changing it and stopping it are hard, especially when I don't recognize I'm doing it. I find myself constantly questioning everything I say. And when he comes back at me, accusing me of being sarcastic/snide, I go over it in my head and wonder truly, how a simple statement or question could be construed as sarcastic or snide. Simply saying, we have light bulbs, ya know. Is that sarcastic? Or Are you gonna fix the meat or shall I? Is that? If so, than I do have a problem and I don't recognize it. I'm willing to get help.

 

But I think he takes things the wrong way A LOT. And when he doesn't take his meds regularly, he has issues with everything. I mean EVERY THING. He's grumpy, snippy, impatient, bitchy, moody, you name it....and he doesn't handle it well at all. More times than not, he's raised his voice at me and the kids over something as trivial as spilled milk. Literally.

 

He calls me names all the time and makes me feel like I'm a bad mom, a bad wife and basically a bad person. How come my entire life, up until him, no one EVER had a problem with these issues? Granted I didn't live with any of my boyfriends. But how come none of my numerous room mates never said anything about my approach being so rude? If it's true.

 

So now I have been going back and forth with my husband, who is saying he doesn't want to be with me anymore, he knows I won't change, he wants a divorce and nothing will change so why try. And I like the idea of being free of his crap, but I still love him and don't want a divorce. I just wish he could get a handle on his behaviors and stop berating and criticizing me all the time. I wish he would be nicer to me and treat me with respect and stop harping on me to think, feel, act and behave how he wants me to. And I know he wants me to stop making comments.

 

So what do I do? Am I truly at fault here? Am I to blame? I'll take it, and I'll go to counseling to fix it. I just don't think it's fair that it's all on me.

[slubberdegullion]

This dude needs some serious help. Fortunately, it's widely available.

 

Neither of you, and especially your kids, needs to live like this. But you don't have to. There are a number of treatment options available, from SSRI medications (like Paxil and Prozac, just to name a couple) to cognitive behaviour therapy (CBT) that can, and do, work wonders.

 

Most often the trouble is getting the patient to actually begin treatment.

 

Do you share a family doctor? If so, make an appointment for both of you.

 

Help is available. And no, you're not at fault.

[Chimerical]

I've had some experiences with bipolar SO's. Some of your comments may be coming out sarcastic and negative, but from what I've experienced, after a while it's hard to bottle up all the animosity and be Ms. Cheery all the time. I doubt your being as sarcastic as he says though. Bipolars tend to take everything as a personal assualt on who they are and what they are doing (at least in my experience). So a lot of your comments probably wouldn't be taken as sarcastic to someone else, but he's taking it that way. Chances are it's him, not you, so don't take on all the blame just because he's trying to put it there.

 

And I understand about the not wanting to lose the person, and loving the person, while hating them. It's hard to be with someone bipolar. period. (I've never known one who stayed on the med's.) The constant up and down, the never knowing what will set them off. Walking on egg shells because you're worried he'll jump your case because he thinks the meat is under cooked, or there's too many dishes in the sink, or you're breathing next to him.

 

I think it might do you good to go to counseling, not to assign blame to yourself, but just to help you sort through everything. If the two of you do stay together, or if he leaves, you will need to spend some time understanding what is/has happened, and how its affecting you.

 

So, from my experience, although some of what you say may be harsh at times (anyone can be), bipolars tend to take things WAY out of proportion, explode over things normal people wouldn't notice, and (from my experience) are Never wrong.

 

Hang in there, and do what is best for you and your mental/physical health.

[Chimerical]

Saw your thread from March... Do you want to stay with this man? Or are you pretty undecided on it?

 

Or do you only want him to stay because he wants to leave?

 

I'm not trying to be harsh, but sometimes the thought of losing someone makes us strive harder to keep them, even if it's not really in our best interests.

[Art_Critic]

I just wish he could get a handle on his behaviors and stop berating and criticizing me all the time. I wish he would be nicer to me and treat me with respect and stop harping on me to think, feel, act and behave how he wants me to.

 

I know what you are going thru .. I was married for 5 years to someone who was Bipolar. She was diagnosed but remained unmedicated due to denial.

I went into therapy the last or so of the marriage to fix the marriage and learn to live with someone who was Bipolar.

 

Instead I learned that they will never change unless medicated and even medicated they are not perfect.. You have a lot to live with.. The name calling and berations .. anger outbursts and just generally doing/saying things that make no sense and cause hurt/pain.

 

I also used therapy to get me out of the marriage.. Once I figured it wasn't going to get any better I started to swing the therapy into ..How and what do I need to do to get out ??

 

I'm sorry for what you are going thru.. My advice is to go get some therapy.. Just start out with a few sessions and go from there.

[JayKay]

I'm worried about your kids, frankly.

 

When kids grow up seeing one or the other parent being abused, they think this is normal.

 

I would hate to see one of your children end up with a partner who verbally or emotionally abuses them, makes them feel worthless and creates a constant feeling of tension in their household.

 

I would also hate to see one of your children end up as an abuser; speaking down to people, treating them like garbage because that's what they've become accustomed to.

 

Even if you tell them, "Daddy's sick and that's why he acts that way...he doesn't mean it..." being around this behavior constantly really contributes to how they'll deal with people in the future.

 

I think that until he gets a handle on his behavior, it may be best to have a trial seperation.

[blueriver]

I'm worried about your kids, frankly.

 

When kids grow up seeing one or the other parent being abused, they think this is normal.

 

I'm worried about the kids, too. Would you let your kids stay at someone's house where you knew the dad was a verbal bully? Of course not, you can control this situation by getting out but you won't be able to control him unless he force medication down his throat.

[Ladyjane14]

If you mentioned his diagnosis of Bipolar Disease in your last post, I didn't notice it.

 

I'm in agreement with Art Critic and Chimerical. You can't change this. If he won't accept treatment, and stay with it.....there's not much you can do.

 

People have all sorts of physical and mental ailments, and most can still maintain good relationships with treatment. If this guy had a disease which caused incontinence, it wouldn't be his fault for not being in control of his bladder. But it would still be his responsibility not to pee on your floor everyday.

 

That's oversimplyfing a bit.....but people with mental health issues are most often quite capable of understanding that their condition requires maintenance. That is, when their disease allows for moments of lucidity of course.

 

If he's not having any lucidity, if you can't reason with him.....then that's just scary. Better to remove yourself and your children from harm's way, if your husband lacks self-control.