Still grieving

[quarantine]

Hi all. My girlfriend broke up with me 2 days ago, totally out of the blue. I am 36, she is 31 and we met online 4 months ago. We really hit if off and things moved quickly. We committed to a relationship, both fell in love not long after and I was fully convinced she is The One (I let this slip under the influence one night and she was delighted, and in agreement). 

Early on she told me she was engaged before and her fiancee suddenly passed away. This was 7 years ago and understandably hit her hard. She said she had trouble dating and apart from a rebound not long after, I was the first she seriously dated and was intimate with. I never pried or asked her questions, but let her know I am always here if she wants to talk. Our relationship has been a whirlwind, mutually missing each other moments after parting, meeting each others friends, long and deep talks and both iterating our love and mutually happy we found each other. We never argued or even came close to it, she constantly complimented our relationship and how we just slot together, no hassle, no compromises, just natural and a breeze. 

With covid-19, she began working from home, then came to my place for 10 days straight. I was at my office a few of the days but mostly home and we enjoyed the lock in, still no arguments. I was thinking as we are still so new all this time together wasn't the best idea, however, I did not hint towards her leaving. This past Monday we went to a park and has the silliest tiff on the way home, over a taxi fare, so minor. Back at my place I could tell something was off with her and pushed to know why. Eventually she said the taxi tiff put her in an awkward position. I listened to what she said then walked to the living room to just digest what she said; I prefer this approach instead of heat of the moment nonsense. Not long after she came out saying I shut the door on her and she would go home for a few days. 

I tried calling the next day and she would not answer, then text saying she wanted a few days of silence. I apologised again for the small tiff and left her be. The next day it was driving me crazy. I prefer to communicate and resolve things quick. I text and called to no reply, then she called me crying, saying she's tried so hard but is still grieving and needs to be alone, she apologised for putting me through this and said she has tried counselling and nothing seems to work, she is destined to be alone for ever. I told her I have her back and we can get through this together, she said she just can't do it and we said our goodbyes. 

2 days on and no contact. The last thing I want is to annoy her, she wants space, deserves it and can take any time she needs. In her 7 years of grief I lost my father, grandfather, grandmother, and sister and came a long way. I was in such a deep depression and after 52 weeks of counselling I was reborn. I feel I am in a position to really help her and be her rock. I fully understand that we all grieve differently and losing a fiancee as opposed to family is a different dynamic. I am hoping she will miss me and come back around. She did say before that I am lucky I have the present her, as she would suddenly break it off with guys she was casually dating, and sometimes go back after realising she was being silly. 

So, should I stick with not contacting her, or try something else? Ultimately I want her to heal for her own benefit, so she can live freely again, however at the same time I know I am good for her, what we have seems once-in-a-lifetime coming together of 2 lost souls and I feel with matching morals and traditions we would have a long and happily married life together. 

 

Edit- In hindsight I feel we moved too fast, I thought she was ready and healed enough. I cannot go back and change anything, but am fully willing to slow things down, just unsure how I would even approach it. 

Edited April 3, 2020 by quarantine

[Ellener]

1 hour ago, quarantine said:

unsure how I would even approach it. 

All you can really do is apologise openly, something like sorry we had a silly argument, call me when you're ready sort of thing...

But you're right, it was all a whirlwind, and now these are strained times...

The stuff about her healing and bereavement I personally would not get too much into 'helping' mode, just listen but don't turn into a counsellor with a love interest.

[quarantine]

6 minutes ago, Ellener said:

All you can really do is apologise openly, something like sorry we had a silly argument, call me when you're ready sort of thing...

But you're right, it was all a whirlwind, and now these are strained times...

The stuff about her healing and bereavement I personally would not get too much into 'helping' mode, just listen but don't turn into a counsellor with a love interest.

Thanks for your reply. The times we are in could be playing a part. We are both Westerners living in SE Asia. Her mom was advising her to get on the repatriation flights back to Russia before it's too late. She said there was no way she was leaving me, and that was only 6 days ago. The evening before we were loved up in a blanket on the balcony watching the stars. It's all just so sudden. 

I should have said that the taxi thing was so minor she even said so herself, and I have nothing to be sorry for. It's not left with us destined to never talk again unless something happens. I know she will feel lonely in her place within a few days, and may reach out. Should I just let her contact me, if so?

[Ellener]

Be sorry anyway! Sorry it happened and at a time when everyone feels stressed and filled with impossible choices etc. That's when minor arguments blow up. Being good at defusing them and supporting each other anyway is what makes a good close relationship. 

It doesn't really matter who contacts who, but in longer relationships a sense develops of when to reach out when to let each other be. Reassure her you love her then let her contact you when she's ready after that.

[Haerts]

It seems like you already did all that you could for now. Maybe you should wait a little longer, then send her one last text saying that you'll be there for her if she changes her mind. And then let her be. I have absolutely no idea what it feels like to lose someone you love like a fiancé, so many shattered dreams, but she needs time, she's asking for it and you should give her that.

Meanwhile, I strongly advise you to carry on with your life. As much as I can sense that you want the best for her and you want to be there to help her through this, she decided to stay apart for now, so all you can do is move on. Perhaps in the future you two get to talk again and see if you can restart or continue. 

Best of luck and don't let your life stop around hers. We cannot live someone else's life, so take control of yours and try your best to be happy.

[ExpatInItaly]

Sadly, she isn't in a place to date and she recognizes this. You also aren't in a place to help her through it. As much as you can sympathize with loss and have good intentions, she needs to do this on her own and perhaps with the help of a neutral, third-party professional.

I have lost a partner to a sudden death before and it shattered my world. I was much younger and we were not engaged, but it turned my life upside down for a long while. She is several years past the event chronologically, but evidently not emotionally. When I was in that emotional, grief-stricken fog, I can tell you that dating was the last thing I could handle. I tried to do so before I was really ready, and it didn't work. Her timeline for her healing has been a long one, but there's not much you can do for her but respect her decision.

If she's being honest about the reasons she wants out (ie. her grieving, and I do think she is being honest), then the taxi really was nothing but a trigger point for an exit hatch she was already searching for. She might not have even really realized it herself yet, but it was coming. The taxi episode thus isn't the real issue at all. 

Perhaps you can reconnect sometime in the future. I would wish her well and keep moving. It's unlikely this will come back together in any sustainable way in the near future, but maybe down the road somewhere. 

[FMW]

A romantic partner dying is not the same as the loss experienced with parents, siblings, friends, etc.  If you haven't experienced the loss (I haven't either), then you really can't understand that particular grief.  

Unfortunately there is nothing you can do for her except give her the space she wants.  I know you feel absolutely certain that she is "the one" and that you are meant to be together always.  But 4 months really isn't very long, you're still in the starry eyed phase.  

You need to accept that, at least for now, you are broken up, and proceed accordingly.  Don't contact her, focus on yourself, don't have any expectations related to her.  Take it one day at a time. 

I'm sorry for your pain.    

[preraph]

You hear a lot of people say everything was going great, and sometimes that means only that the other person was putting on a cooperative front and not rocking the boat to let you know something was bothering them.  You hear this all the time.  So it's also possible that all those days spent together made her realize this wasn't going to work, whether she voiced it or not.  

 

And she still has grief problems.  It's hard to let that go.  You feel guilt, you feel too vulnerable, that something bad will happen.  It messes with your head.  So if she says she's not ready, you need to let her go.  It's probalby more than just the grief, too.  

[elaine567]

I once read an article written by a young widow.
She made a point I hadn't really thought about.
She said that when one breaks up with someone there is usually all the fights, the arguments the idea it may never have ever worked out anyway.
We take comfort from that and we may end up "hating" the other to make ourselves feel better about moving on
But when someone dies prematurely, they die when all is great, hearts and flowers, in love, with hopes for a wonderful future.
There is thus a terrible hole left and that love doesn't die. 
She said she will always love him, he will always be huge part of her life.
She remarried but her new partner knows that and has accepted that.

[preraph]

A lot of times when you lose someone you love, you also forget about the bad parts and idealize them.. but I really think most of it is fat getting back into her feelings is just kind of traumatic for her. if she starts feeling then she starts fearing the loss.

[ExpatInItaly]

8 hours ago, preraph said:

but I really think most of it is fat getting back into her feelings is just kind of traumatic for her. if she starts feeling then she starts fearing the loss.

Speaking from personal experience, this was very true for me. 

It took me a long time to move past that paralyzing fear of loss. Closeness triggered that horrendous feeling of reliving the grief and realizing I wasn't ready to get close to anyone else yet. It's been many years since my ex passed and I have learned to manage those triggers fairly well, but I still have my moments on rare occasions (which I have a well-practiced set of coping skills to rely on). I don't have the fight-or-flight reaction anymore, though I suspect the woman in OP's case most certainly does. 

OP, if you're still reading, I can say with a high degree of certainty that if her reaction was to call it off, she won't really be ready for a serious relationship for quite some time. She likely wants to be, but knows she's just not there. It's not the sort of process you can help her with, unfortunately. 

[spiderowl]

I’m not so sure that grief is the thing here. I appreciate it might be but I also think that maybe you weren’t a match.

She seems to have gone along with things in a positive way hoping that things would work out. You were both new to each other then jumped in at the deep end, spending so long together. That could put any relationship under strain and it would quickly show the differences on how each of you deal with things. There must have been tensions and this came out in a ‘minor’ argument. She might agree it was minor in the grand scheme of things but it showed something important about each of your characters. I feel what it was about is significant. Can you say more about it?

Also, because of the way you ‘deal’ with things, you walked out on her during an argument. This kind of disconnect can be disturbing - what does it mean? She will have been wondering what it meant - is he too angry to speak to me? Is he ignoring me now? Having experienced that myself with someone who had an anger problem, it was unnerving and I did not feel at all comfortable with the idea that a guy had to walk away to avoid hurting me!  I am not saying you would have done that but if she is not used to guys behaving like that it would be disturbing. The guy who returned afterwards felt a stranger to me.

When things don’t seem to be working for her, she is likely to bring up the grief thing - after all, if she was happy with her partner then they had probably already come to terms with how each argued or dealt with conflict. I think that tiff was more significant to her than you might think.

I’m sorry it went awry like this. I would just accept that it’s not going to work and feel what you need to feel about the loss. 

[quarantine]

Thanks all for your comments. I called her this morning and she was so happy to hear from me. With all the uncertainty we talked about our plans as individuals; as it stands I am tempted to fly home, so much is in the balance. She is staying put herself and spent 20 mins convincing me I should stay too. I do not want to read much into it, however it seems like she wants me around. 

In regards to not being a match, I cannot agree. We are not kids and always spoke up how natural we slot together, so effortless. I know it's a new relationship, but I've dated countless times and never had such a this-is-so-right feeling. She was on the same wavelength, saying so much and without any prompt. I truly feel we rushed locking down together, this likely wouldn't have happened otherwise, it's too much strain, even for me I thought it was too much, too soon. 

I will give it another few days then ask her to hangout. I feel she will want to, and we can go from there. I will not discuss us at all, just focus on being there for her and we can see what develops.