Why is it always the mother that has to make big sacrifices, and how do you get over the upset it causes?

[major_merrick]

@AnnieBannie  In your specific situation, you should absolutely expect him to marry you.  Hell, demand it!  You ought to get something out of this too....the guaranteed security of being a family together.  No reason for you to move and change your name if he isn't willing to do that, and do it promptly.  Also, you ought to inform him that since you'll be living in a house that he picked out, you're going to have some projects to do on it to make it how you want it.  You ought to get some compromises out of this, or it isn't right.  But no use fighting over things that have already happened.

Compromises can happen within the framework of what's already been set up.  For example, my husband remodeled his master bathroom for me, without my even asking him to.  I had the bathroom in my house exactly how I wanted it, and it was a feature that I was really going to regret losing.  I got a nearly exact replica (except slightly larger), including some things that I'd wanted but hadn't had time to install.  I was totally surprised when I moved in that he'd been so thoughtful.  Also, he's got a nice garage but it is full of his stuff.  He let me take over about 75% of it for a while, but my cars started to take up too much space.  So I get to build a huge new storage garage on his land - his only conditions were maximum height and exterior color.  He even offered to pay for it, but I told him I'd take care of that.     

Hopefully as you grow together as a couple, he'll get some intuition about the things you want and need and he'll be easier for you to work with.  My husband had almost 20 years to figure me out before we finally were ready for marriage and family.  I suspect things are more difficult with a partner that isn't your lifelong best friend (yet). 

[MsJayne]

This isn't about being a mother and it isn't about making sacrifices, it's about someone who thinks it's all about him. A house that you had no say in will never really feel like 'your' home, it will always be his, even if you own half of it. Baby or not, I could never be with a man who disregarded and dismissed me like that. But, if you want the relationship to last based on the current status quo, obviously you're going to have to get used to being a bit of a doormat. Your question is how do you get past the resentment...the answer is, if you're OK with being dictated to, just be quiet and keep your discontent to yourself. You'll always have that niggling resentment in the back of your mind, and it will poison your relationship, so if you're willing to live with that, go ahead and make like the subservient wife. The other answer is,  keep your own place and stay there. Make a stand, you are not moving to a new area and into a house that you had no say in, and you will not disrupt your daughters educational needs without there having been a fair discussion about it. You were willing to compromise by living halfway between both places, that's quite enough compromise in your situation. Let him know right now that you will not be dictated to. He may well think he's done a wonderful thing, buying a home for his new family, but he's really missed the point. He thinks, possibly rightly, that he won't see his other child as often if he lives further away,  but that's the sacrifice he has to make. When you have kids with someone you choose not to stay with, then sorry, but there's very likely going to be some inconvenience involved if you want to maintain a close relationship with the kids from that relationship. Depending on how old your daughter is, how many years she has to go at her current school, maybe you could move to his area at a later stage. Right now he's putting your daughter at the bottom of his priority list, and that doesn't augur well for living together. 

[Miss Clavel]

On 4/5/2020 at 7:29 AM, AnnieBannie said:

I would never change my surname unless I was married, and I wouldn't change my eldest child's name unless I was married either. My eldest is 10 now, so her name is important to her. 

I don't want everything my own way, I want a compromise for somethings. Either our house, our baby's name or marriage but I'm having to give up all of my wants for the sake of what he wants without even being consulted on anything. He's doing all of these things and expecting me to go along with it no problem. I understand the name is my fault as I gave in for a bit but I am still allowed to have regrets and want to talk about it. 

i would not live in a house my lover bought for our family without being on the deed. 

again, you both need a last will and testament. even if he leaves you the house in his will,  you will have to pay tax should he pass.

i shudder to imagine mourning the death of my lover and father of my child while the bank is pushing me to vacate the only home my youngest has ever known.

this situation is only good for him.

he knows you want to change the baby's name and he says no.

he knows where you wanted to live. he disregarded your wishes.

he knows your oldest is attached to her school. he disregarded where your family would start their new lives.

he bought a house without consulting you or providing for your future and the future of his new baby.

explain to me what you see in him?

if you continue, again, you could face eviction right after a huge loss. and you would have no standing as a widow, no standing at his bank..

call a lawyer. my auntie works at a law firm and while they are not seeing clients in person. there is still skype and facetime.

you and he writing a will and getting it filed is not a big expensive undertaking. 

you tell the lawyer, he tells the paralegal. they type it up. you both sign,

you need to be his legal, medical next of kin. regardless of your marital status of your last name.

it will take half a million to raise your kids and that won't even include heath insurance or college.

love, marriage and children. everything takes money and you need to have him clearly answer where the money is going to come from. if you think that emotionally you can not live without him, you love him dearly, imagine living with two kids in a rental with no life insurance or SSI benefits.

 

 

Edited April 9, 2020 by Miss Clavel

[spiderowl]

I'm not sure why you feel you have to go along with what your boyfriend says.  He is taking control and not consulting you.  You do not have to go along with this. You can stay as a single parent.   I know that is not ideal and I can imagine the worry you are facing, but if you allow your boyfriend to take control like this, you will be forever in this situation.  He will know he can make decisions without including you.  Why can you not refuse to go along with it?  What are the consequences that you fear?  It sounds as if you have managed as a single parent before.

I am not for one minute suggesting it is easy to be a single parent, not at all.  I am mindful that if you go along with your boyfriend's decisions, you are allowing him to take control of your life.  You do not have to do this.  You can say no.  It does not matter that he has already bought the house - he did not consult you.  If you do not lay down the ground rules now, you will suffer as long as you are with him.  This is a crossroads for you.

 

[spiderowl]

On 4/9/2020 at 12:45 PM, Miss Clavel said:

i would not live in a house my lover bought for our family without being on the deed. 

again, you both need a last will and testament. even if he leaves you the house in his will,  you will have to pay tax should he pass.

i shudder to imagine mourning the death of my lover and father of my child while the bank is pushing me to vacate the only home my youngest has ever known.

this situation is only good for him.

he knows you want to change the baby's name and he says no.

he knows where you wanted to live. he disregarded your wishes.

he knows your oldest is attached to her school. he disregarded where your family would start their new lives.

he bought a house without consulting you or providing for your future and the future of his new baby.

explain to me what you see in him?

if you continue, again, you could face eviction right after a huge loss. and you would have no standing as a widow, no standing at his bank..

call a lawyer. my auntie works at a law firm and while they are not seeing clients in person. there is still skype and facetime.

you and he writing a will and getting it filed is not a big expensive undertaking. 

you tell the lawyer, he tells the paralegal. they type it up. you both sign,

you need to be his legal, medical next of kin. regardless of your marital status of your last name.

it will take half a million to raise your kids and that won't even include heath insurance or college.

love, marriage and children. everything takes money and you need to have him clearly answer where the money is going to come from. if you think that emotionally you can not live without him, you love him dearly, imagine living with two kids in a rental with no life insurance or SSI benefits.

 

Miss Clavel has some very important points here.  The only thing I would say is that he could change his will at any time without even telling you.  It is not a safeguard for your future.  Marriage would offer you some security.  But, why should you be facing this situation when the guy should be consulting you?  He is ignoring your feelings and you can expect that to continue if you allow it.

 

[stillafool]

I haven't read your entire thread but I want to ask did you go in half with him on buying that house?  If not it is his house and you will always feel like a visitor/tenant there.  I agree with others who have said you don't have to move there you can stay where you are so it's close to your child's school.  Is your ex husband involved in your child's life and if so what is his opinion of moving his child away?