Ex likes me but I feel like he isn't putting in effort

[mooncake11]

Hi, my ex (19M) and I (18F) broke up in May after dating for a little over three years. I broke it off for a petty reason but tbh he was already falling out of the relationship. During this time we were still texting regularly although our convos were dry.

 Fast forward to November he said he had feelings again and we went on two dates. He said his responses were purposely dry before to push me away so I could forget him and not be hurt (worked out the opposite). In early december we both went on vacations with our family and coincidentally to the same country. 

 

He sent me a text on the 27th (3 days ago) that he was packing to fly back (takes 9 hours so wouldve arrived 28th). During this vacation with his family he’d been in a pretty bad mood the whole time. I started being annoyed during this time because I felt like he was giving me the attention he used to although I did understand he wasn’t happy. Anyways, he left my messages and snapchat on read and i had said “fine dont talk to me again” (out of anger). On the 29th he replied “uh ok” “have fun at the beach” (sent snapchats of beach while on holidays). I got more annoyed as he didnt address my concerns and typed back around 3/4 messages to which he read 20 minutes ago. My final message was to tell him that I would prefer that he tell me if he were tired instead of ignoring and he left that on read. I logged onto his facebook and found out he muted me but he also left his other friend on read.

 

It just bothers me how he responds to things this way... but then I understand I need to be patient because he often has this thing where he zones out after arriving back home from a vacation (often distances himself and wants alone time). So i’m stuck between trying to understand him but then also feeling like I’m not a priority to him. The fact that he muted me really bothers me and it being almost a new year. 

[alterest]

Hey, first of all: I'm sorry to hear that. Break ups are pretty hard to cope, but in happened in those holidays makes everything worse. Mine was months ago and I feel miserable and in so much pain... Can't figure how you feel right now.

Don't know the whole story, but he asked for a second chance and you gave it to him. And he throw out. He probably wanted to go back to make sure that he can. It's just for his ego.

I know you can't do it right now, but start NC as soon as you can, delete and block him everywhere and start to look only at yourself. Don't hide your feelings and your pain, but don't let it consume you. And I say that because I did not of those things, even knowing what I should do. And I only made my pain last longer and longer.

[mooncake11]

Hey, thanks for your reply I hope you’re coping well :(. As much as I understand the purpose of no contact I kind of feel like its useless for me especially since me and him have been together through highschool and there really isnt any ‘bad blood’ between us.. 

As for the situation we talked over again and said maybe we should do the casual thing again but not have to feel obligated to a relationship. I’m not sure what this means but i think when we tried it the second time round it got serious pretty fast so hopefully this is better. Sucks when someone who used to be head over heels for you become on and off with their feelings

[basil67]

Yeah, it's pretty tricky to go NC when you're together at school.  I think that a wiser approach is to stay casual friends but without any deep sharing.   It will save so much awkwardness at the events you'll likely find yourselves both at.  

As far as the relationship itself goes, if it had been a healthy, you wouldn't have broken up over a petty argument.   I will lay money that either the argument wasn't petty or that the relationship had actually been troubled.  Possibly both.  Take time to lick your wounds.  Hang out with your friends.  The sun will come out again.

[mooncake11]

I'm not sure if this would be in the right forum but my ex (19M) and I (18F) broke up in may 2019 after 3 years together and we tried again in November which lasted for a few weeks until we both went on vacation with our families in mid December. Today he called quits on our casual dating which made me devastated once again but i tried to talk it through. He said he has lost feelings once again (although not completely), I feel like it was because i was putting pressure on wanting something more serious. He said he did not want a relationship right now or soon and wanted to focus on work and uni for the 'new year'.

Whilst talking, he also said it was because our relationship is mainly based off sex. This is true, but its also because of his extremely high sex drive and us being each others first since we were young so I guess we didn't have a solid time in building a truly raw emotional bond. After talking it through we agreed on being casual but with no obligation to date. I do eventually want to date but this year I am planning to start a business as well as juggle uni and my job so i'm okay with that agreement. I've always mentioned how we are mostly about sex to him (and he finally notices now ugh) and have wanted to change this but how? This was partly why i put pressure on wanting something more serious when we were working on getting back together because sometimes his high sex drive makes me feel like someone who is simply there to fill his void and I would like something more meaningful. We know a lot about each other since we dated for so long and during high school but our conversations barely go deep. Despite this he is a nice and kind guy, but this does create communication problems. 

Another thing about my ex is that he is very closed off. If he is not gaming, he would be watching youtube or texting me. He barely texts his friends, although he does go to parties because boys remain close. I know that deep down he is a very emotional and sensitive person but its very hard to crack open, I saw this side while we were dating. I've went through his chat once with his friend where he claimed that he loved playing video games because it just shuts him out of the real world. SO how do you truly form a raw emotional bond with someone? Especially if they tend to be closed off. I could try to make conversation but there is nothing that would hold his interest for a long time. He isn't really good at starting it either because the 4 years total that i've been talking to him he usually just asks about my day. Any advice please, i really like this boy but he is not good at expressing himself 

Edited January 1, 2020 by mooncake11

[basil67]

I'm sorry mooncake, it's over.   Time to leave him in your past and look to the future.

Now, about that emotional connection you're wondering about:  If it was there to be formed, it would have formed naturally.  You can't make it happen if it's not there to start with, and you certainly can't make it happen when the other person doesn't have a desire to open up anyway.  It wasn't a good match and ending it is the right thing.  

[mooncake11]

47 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Yeah, it's pretty tricky to go NC when you're together at school.  I think that a wiser approach is to stay casual friends but without any deep sharing.   It will save so much awkwardness at the events you'll likely find yourselves both at.  

As far as the relationship itself goes, if it had been a healthy, you wouldn't have broken up over a petty argument.   I will lay money that either the argument wasn't petty or that the relationship had actually been troubled.  Possibly both.  Take time to lick your wounds.  Hang out with your friends.  The sun will come out again.

We've both graduated but are going to the same university now.. he is in the year above. Its just that he keeps saying he wants to have fun in the moment and doesnt want to dive into anything deep

[mooncake11]

17 minutes ago, basil67 said:

I'm sorry mooncake, it's over.   Time to leave him in your past and look to the future.

Now, about that emotional connection you're wondering about:  If it was there to be formed, it would have formed naturally.  You can't make it happen if it's not there to start with, and you certainly can't make it happen when the other person doesn't have a desire to open up anyway.  It wasn't a good match and ending it is the right thing.  

It was there during our relationship but died off after we broke up. I'm looking to revive it now but its just hard when its with an emotionally closed person. 

[basil67]

From your other thread...he’s done with the relationship.   There won’t be a building of intimacy.  It’s time to let him go.   I’m sorry

[Legatus]

@mooncake11 sorry to hear that but like basil67 said, something like that can't be produced by applying certain methods. That emotional bond forms intuitively because not only bodies but the minds are at the same level. After you broke up he realised he didn't want a relationship - this is fair. You can't make him want that. If you're going to casually see him do not expect anything more than sex out of it. Do not hope that sex will bring you closer or make him open up. Even if it does sometimes, it's a lottery and even harder one with somebody who is not emotionally open.

I can only try to imagine it won't be easy since you'd been with this guy for 3 years and you were each other's first. Focus on yourself this year. When the time is right you will meet somebody who will be at similar place as you and wanting to go to same direction and the same pace. 

[Kaarek]

Based on everything you wrote it feels like you're lying to yourself and want to really believe he still wants you (when he clearly doesn't through his actions) because this boy became an obsession more than anything.

You can try all kinds of things to "keep" this guy but he's clearly done with you, he literally just wants sex and nothing more.

I would personally suggest to focus on yourself as you mentioned (your business, job and uni) since they are more important than it might seem. Another girl might come in the picture at some point and he might date her, you don't want that heartbreak to be even worse so sit down and ask yourself if it's worthy mourning someone that all he wants from you is company/sex or it's time for you to move on and live your Life.

Best Regards 🙂

[alterest]

The point is not having any 'bad blood' right now. But it's better for both of you to stay away for a time to not create any bad blood and, belive, thay can created in those situations. I didn't have any bad bloods with my current ex and I kept talk to her and now I live in a swirl of sadness. Don't do that to you, it's horrible. Right now, you and him have much feelings about each other and keep in touch will only keep wounds open and your suffering alive.

I still talk with first ex. At first we tried to keep in touch and everytime we talked we had an argument. Every. Single. Time. We stayed away from each other for about a year and a half and eventually we back to talk again and things are pretty cool, cause I and her wants nothing related to 'back together'.

I know it's hard, but you need a time apart from him to heal yourself. Since he is your friend for a long time and you don't want to give that up, at least stay away until you feel healed. Explain the situation to him, he will understand and will respect you.

[Beachead]

20 hours ago, mooncake11 said:

My ex (19M) and I (18F) dated for three years and broke up a the end of may 2019. It was a healthy relationship and i broke it off over a petty fight but he already felt out of it. I was pretty devastated and sad and did the usual pleading. We never did no contact we just had less conversations. In November he wanted to try again and we went on two dates and had good conversations until we both went on holidays to the same country (but with our families separately). Right now on new years day he is saying he doesnt want to continue casual dating... and now i'm just heartbroken. He says that he wants to focus on work and uni and doesnt want a relationship now or soon :(. I just don't know how to cope because we were both happy during this time but it just happened when he came back from vacation and ignored me out of nowhere (i assumed it was because he kept having a bad time overseas due to family issues). 

 

He says its because we're too sex focused to which I said we can spend more time being more real with each other but he said no. He never spoke to anyone after we broke up and is a queit person. It just makes me sad that I am someone who is so easy to give up on. 

Hey mooncake11,

I am sorry for your pain.

When a person breaks up with another, it's not usually a spur of the moment decision.  It's been brewing for awhile.  Maybe a few months.  Sometime before you even noticed your relationship was falling apart, he had already begun the process of letting go.  Things didn't feel right for him.  He spent sometime evaluating his feelings for you.  Perhaps, he thought he could get passed it.  At some point though, he realized he couldn't.  From there,  it probably took him more time to accept the truth and prepare himself mentally to leave.   By the time he ended it with you, he had done a lot of his "getting over you" well in advance giving him a head start in the healing process.  So even though he ended it after he came back home and you think it might be about what happened in that country..it's a lot more than just that.

I know its hard not to take it personally and to feel your heart crush but trust me when I say this..if what you two shared after all this time was not enough to convince him to want to be with you and work it out with you and he ultimately walked away..then you're better off.  It means it wasn't going to work out.  What you miss and grieve is a version of him you thought he was..the person you wanted him to be..the relationship you wished was.  The reality is, your relationship wasn't going to work out no matter what.

Everything happens as its meant to.   Furthermore, his deciding to leave you does not make you unattractive physically or emotionally.  It doesn't mean you're not good enough for anyone else.  It doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you.  His opinion is not absolute and he is not the end-all, be-all, of your existence.  You are a strong person, capable of standing on your own two feet and deserving of someone who will reciprocate and work on the kind of love you need and want.  

I know it doesn't feel like it right now, but you'll get it as you recover and as you get older.  In the grand scheme of your entire life, you're still young and your life is just beginning.  You're not even 20 yet but your 20's are a time of so much growth, new experiences, self-discovery and changes.  You're going to meet so many people, accomplish so many things.  You'll also face a lot of tough times but you'll learn how to get through it.   All of it matters.  All the bad and all the good.  Don't take a crappy time in your life as this is how it'll always be.  Take it as one necessary step in your life towards your potential self. 

In a few years time, you'll realize how far you've come.  Believe in that.

Regarding your grief, things are going to suck for while.  The first few months are terrible..but with time comes clarity and with clarity comes understanding.  With understanding, you will start to make sense of what really happened in your relationship and that understanding will help you heal and accept.  What you need to do for yourself is  block him off of all social media so you don't see his updates.  All of that will only upset you or trigger anxiety.  You don't need to see anything he does.  He chose to walk away, give him what he wanted and let him deal with loss of you.  So long as he has access to you in his life, he won't understand the gravity behind his decision.  Not to give you hope because its the last thing you need but sometimes, people need that while they go and live their life and realize they had a good thing.  Having said that, assume things are over and bring all your energy and your focus back to you.  Talk to us when you need it.

You'll be okay.

- Beach

[mark clemson]

21 hours ago, mooncake11 said:

 He never spoke to anyone after we broke up and is a queit person. It just makes me sad that I am someone who is so easy to give up on. 

Two thoughts.

1) You're young and at the age where, honestly, relationships come and go as you sort out your lives. This is quite normal. That fact doesn't make the emotional stress any less, but is something to keep in mind.

2) The quote above: it's not at all about you being "easy" to give up on. This says a lot about HIM. To an extent how he feels about the relationship but also possibly his whole way of processing relationships (e.g. "attachment style" although there can be other things such as Aspergers, response to neurotransmitters, etc that impact how one is emotionally). So, you shouldn't take that part personally. It's quite frequent that one person likes the other more. Being really into your partner sometimes happens and sometimes doesn't and being super-duper head-over-heels can't-live-without-them into the other person is actually pretty rare. So don't worry.

[schlumpy]

On 12/31/2019 at 10:04 PM, mooncake11 said:

He says its because we're too sex focused to which I said we can spend more time being more real with each other but he said no. He never spoke to anyone after we broke up and is a queit person. It just makes me sad that I am someone who is so easy to give up on. 

I find his comment about the relationship being focused on sex to be disingenuous. Most of the men I've known complain about the opposite. No, I think he's trying to distract you from his trip where he returned with a different attitude. Something happened over there and I don't think it involved family.

Since his explanation makes little sense, just assume the worst and start doing what you can to put him behind you. Leave him with some doubt as to how much he meant to you. 

[alphamale]

concentrate more on your schooling and university

[mooncake11]

I feel like i run my background story every thread so sorry if you go back on my threads and its annoying. But basically, my ex 19M and I 18F dated for a little over three years and have been talking since we were 14. 
we broke up in May/June 2019 after a petty fight but he had already been feeling out of it. He said he felt like he couldn’t make the time for me and had slowly lost feelings. During this time he was just starting off uni while I was still in highschool so i guess part of it is also adjusting to his next stage in life.

For the first 3 months he was very cold and distant but we were fwb. He is also bad at communicating so whenever i asked where we stand he would back off and ignore me and message me a few days later about something random. During this time he also sometimes showed signs of jealousy when a guy dm’ed me on instagram. However, he would always say we are just “friends” and didnt want a relationship. I ended up breaking off fwb because i wanted to only be intimate with someone who was interested in me. This lasted for a bit until he fed me breadcrumbs and our chats became flirty and sexting (but never any actual sex). 

Until october/november was when he started showing signs of wanting to get back together. He would flirt and then back off. Then one day after going to a friends party he told me how he felt like regretted things. A week later on his birthday at 12am he messaged me “not even awake for my birthday” (we send each other birthday messages at exactly 12 usually, but he didnt for me either so lol). Then around 3am he said “maybe im a bit drunk or tipsy but i feel like we could get back together” “but I have no time so maybe not”. Then a few days after this he asked me out for dinner “as friends” but things did get a bit sexual. Then we agreed on casual dating and he did say he liked me/was interested and was often jealous when I went clubbing because guys would hit on me. ALSO, at one of the clubs i bumped into one of his mates who didnt even know that we broke up?  Durinf this time it was like he switched a flip and went into boyfriend mode. He texted me constantly as opposed to how cold he was previously.

Throughout this whole breakup he has never spoken to a girl. We did have minor issues where I would become insecure (remembering how he had slowly lost feelings for me) and i would become defensive and want reassurance. We went on one more date until we both went on holidays in early/mid december. The downhill part is in my previous threads. Everything was fine even though there was sometimes lack of communication while on vacay because we didnt have wifi. Our conversations were fine up until the 26th. On the 27th i became insecure and picked a petty argument over his feelings for me. 
 

He had a pretty rough vacation (family arguments) and they left to fly back on the 27th to which he messaged me “f*n have to pack”. He didnt reply to my messages for the next few days which i assumed is due to his jetlag and recovering from the bad time with family. It was until NYE/NYD that i realised he was ignoring me. I came back on NYD and called him so he would finally message me. He said he didnt want to continue things and that our relationship was mainly sex (i would partly credit this to his high sex drive and us being each others first). Ever since we broke up he has closed up emotionally even though he usually never shares things in general to people. I would like to open him back up again. Now he is saying what he said right after we broke up about just wanting to have fun in the moment and focus on uni and work. He also said we can still “talk”. This means as friends and whenever he says this our convos will be dry and he will try to keep his distance like his cold phase. 
He said he was testing the waters and seeing if we could have fun but it got too serious. I saw it as a second chance (he had said “maybe we could get back together” didnt he??). 
 

The thing is, our “second chance” only lasted about 2-3 weeks before we left for holidays and now this. I feel like we didnt even have time to give it a real shot and that it was my fault for reading it the wrong way that we were going to get back together. He is back to ignoring me because of my talks about where we stand (he hates these kinds of talks). Its hard to read his mind because during the 2-3 weeks he went on almost full boyfriend mode. 
 

I now feel like I blew my chance...is there ever a chance for a third time? Especially if the second time was half assed like this. I think my constant need for reassurance pushed his feelings away...

[alterest]

That secaond chance happened during holidays (christmas and new year)?

Don't know if he looks like pretty confused or if he is a jerk that want some revenge.

Try not to think about third chances. Leave him alone, if he start some conversation, explain politely that you love him but understand that he doesn't want anything with you, so you need your space and time to heal and move on.

You both are not together, and it's kinda pointless discussing about feelings and relationship with your ex, right?

[ExpatInItaly]

This is over, OP. 

He was your high-school sweetheart but he has been checked out of the relationship for a long time. It's going to be better for you to accept that you two have met the end of your chapter together. More often than not, these sort of relationships are training wheels for the bigger and more significant relationships yet to come. 

[mooncake11]

Hi everyone, so basically my ex and i shared passwords and when i logged onto his messenger I saw he had muted our conversation. But the thing is... he texts me whenever something happens to him (work, going out etc). But then when I text him he would leave me on read sometimes lol.

does this even make sense

[basil67]

The bigger question is: Why did you log onto your ex's messenger?   It's an appalling intrusion into his life.  

[Pleasant-Sage]

Maybe the frequency of how often you message?

[ExpatInItaly]

He is either annoyed by your messages, or he doesn't want notifications from you popping up when he's out with another girl. 

The fact you are snooping in his private account is not cool, girl. You're sliding into Crazy Ex territory. Have a little more dignity and respect, and keep out of his messages. 

[mooncake11]

The funny thing is he’s been messaging me first and i reply normally. I checked today he unmuted me while we were talking but then after the conversation is finished he mutes me again???? 
 

so basically if i were to message him first i probably wouldnt get a reply because hes muting me. But he’s been the one messaging me?

[ExpatInItaly]

This is why I wonder if he's seeing someone else and trying to keep your communicating a secret from her. How long have you been broken up?

Either way, you need to stop snooping. It's wrong and it's going to drive you mental.