Ex likes me but I feel like he isn't putting in effort

[mooncake11]

I know he’s not seeing anyone 

[preraph]

Then he's annoyed by your messaging him and controlling that.  All that considered, you should just stop talking to him.  He's your ex and he's only wanting to talk at all when it's his idea.  

[The Outlaw]

Just leave him be. I've been on the receiving end of being 'muted' and that's exactly what I did. You can't really communicate with someone who doesn't want to communicate with you in return. 

[mooncake11]

He’s been distant and dry in his texts and has our convo muted as I shared in my previous post. He still opens my sc, ig etc. The thing is he still messages me if something happens at work, he asked me the other day if i was going to a festival cause he saw in my sc that i was at home (im pretty sure he thought i was going because i clicked interested on fb). 

I really want more meaningful convos with my ex but its hard because of his 8-5 job and whenever he gets home he plays games. Even worse now that i’m muted. He usually unmutes me when we are having a conversation. Its so confusing. 

When we first broke up he was like this (if not colder). But when we were ‘testing the waters’ it was like a 180 change. He was affectionate, flirting and caring. Its like he can turn his feelings on and off like a switch and it hurts me. 

On the weekend i went clubbing and didnt text my friends when i got home. They were worried so they messaged my ex. He called me 6 times on my phone, 4 times on my facebook, twice on snapchat and even logged onto my social media. I’ve never seen him go that overboard... I feel like he still cares and somewhat likes me but why is he becoming so distant again. I feel like if we could emotionally reconnect again things would be so much better.  

 

I feel like im just rambling on right now but it feels better letting out my thoughts (more like confusion) on this forum. I’m usually very logical but i just cant whenever it comes to this relationship and it helps when you guys provide your input.

[ExpatInItaly]

The sort answer is that you can’t reconnect with someone who doesn’t want to reconnect with you. 

He’s not on the same page as you, in terms of reconciling. At some point, you have to realize that a lot of it is out of your hands. You can’t  make someone want what you want; he doesn’t appear to be trying so that’s your cue to stop trying, too. It sucks, yes, but it’s the reality of breaking up. Don’t misinterpret him worrying about you after you forgot to text your friends on a night out either - it sounds like a dramatic overreaction by all parties involved but it doesn’t mean he’s still in love with you. He was worried about your safety.

Why did you break up to begin with? How old are you both? Im guessing on the younger side. Have you stopped snooping in his messages?

[mooncake11]

Hi everyone; 

I'm still not sure how posting on here works it seems that my old posts will merge in with this new one? But here's a recap of my (18F) with my ex (19M): 

- we broke up last year in may after three years together (i broke it off over a petty fight, but it turns out he's feelings had faded and he felt like he couldn't make time for me through uni, work, friends and family). Around about 5/6 months later he had feelings again and things were good for a month (we only saw each other twice as we went overseas for a holiday with our family) until he ghosted me almost a week before new years . I feel like during that time period i was so obsessed with what we are and what i am to him that it scared him away. Our convos were dry in january...

- neither of us spoke to anyone new or moved on

 

In february, we became closer and more flirty... I went to a festival in early feb and had a guy hit on me (he knew me an my ex as we went to the same high school) and i told my ex who was in Bali (his family is constantly on holidays), he seemed really annoyed. After he returned from bali, valentines day was coming around. He asked me on the day what i was doing which was probably an attempt to ask me to go out as he was hinting at it earlier. I didn't want to rush into things again so i said i was going out but i didn't say with who. This made him jealous and he started asking with who and blocked and unblocked me (i was playing around and keeping it mysterious but it was just with my girls HAHAH) i ended up telling him everything at night. Lately we've gone out for lunches, had sex and even a festival together with his friends yesterday. Things have been great but i don't know where they're headed and I don't know what to do to refrain myself from obsessing over a title and what we are because that made him pull away the last time. He isn't very on the ball and is quite a shy and unaware of how to express his feelings. So what should i do? just go with the flow? 

 

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, the wheels are eventually going to come off this again. 

You two aren't meant to be together anymore. His ego was bruised when you pretended you had a date on Valentine's Day, but if jealousy is what motivates someone to return, then you don't have a solid enough basis to reconcile successfully. 

If he wanted to be with you, he would be with you. You wouldn't need to fear him pulling away again, because a guy who is really into isn't going to be scared off by the idea of committing to you. What you have here is basically a FWB situation that will probably end up with you getting hurt when he distances himself again. 

[kendahke]

On 1/14/2020 at 4:04 AM, mooncake11 said:

He’s been distant and dry in his texts and has our convo muted as I shared in my previous post.

He is controlling your access to his attention.  When he wants it, he knows you'll come a'runnin'.  When he doesn't, he knows you'll still come a'runnin', so he basically keeps his hand on your forehead so you can't get closer than where he wants you to be.

Thing is: you can't emotionally reconnect with anyone who doesn't want to reconnect emotionally to you and shuts you out emotionally. It's on him to open up--you can't make him do that if he doesn't want to already to it himself.

Opening up snapchats but never communicating with you directly = he was passing time.

Edited March 9, 2020 by kendahke

[Watercolors]

Mooncake you are ignoring everyone's great advice.

I think you are posting to vent your feelings, more than listen to people's advice.

I understand that you need to vent. But, like everyone has advised you -- your boyfriend is over you and doesn't want to get back together with you.  That is so hard to accept. I know that it's painful when relationships end.

He is clearly manipulating you and you are allowing him to, thinking that by instant messaging with him, you will convince him to take you back. It won't work. He is "bread crumbing" you with his messages.

He is stringing you along for his ego-boost. He doesn't care about your feelings. He just likes the attention that you give to him, b/c he can see by the way you respond, that you are still emotionally connected and you won't let go b/c you hope that he takes you back. 

Edited March 9, 2020 by Watercolors

[Redhead14]

Mooncake,

You need to step back from all of this for your own sake.  Get focused on other activities, spend time with friends, etc.  You're obsessing.  That's not healthy.  You need to get a grip and realize that if you continue down this path of stalking his messenger and trying to be in his head to figure out what you should be doing to get him back will only end up making you "His Crazy Ex".  That is not a label you want as a young woman who will likely be wanting to date someone else at some point from school.  You should take some time for yourself to get over this relationship and then go out and date some other guys.  See what/who is out there.  You are too young to be locked down.  You should be having fun, focusing on your future and exploring opportunities. 

[d0nnivain]

You were childhood sweethearts.  Your relationship didn't survive the transition through college.  Your relationship had run it's course which is why he didn't have time for you & you were having petty fights.  So you broke up.  But change is scary.  You were both a big part of each other's lives for 3 years so it felt odd not to talk.  You talked.  You had sex because it was easy & normal.  You knew each other & what to expect.  It was a temporary balm for a broken heart in an upside down world.  

You two ended the relationship because it wasn't working.  This catch & catch can thing where you have sex once in a while outside of a relationship is not a good plan.  All it does it keep you tenuously tethered & prevents you from moving on.    

[mooncake11]

Sooo following on from my last threads, my ex boyfriend has finally confessed that he likes me after throwing hints here and there. This is a similar situation to last year in november until he got scared and backed off... this time round i really don't want to ruin the chance although i'm prepared for any outcome. The reason he backed off the first time was because i started getting insecure and kept asking for validation about how he felt about me and kept pushing for a relationship, part of my insecurities are from our post breakup and the fact that he 'fell out of love' which was honestly the last thing i expected because I've always trusted him the most. 

He isn't good at expressing himself and is very reserved which is why i have to push for him to react. It gets frustrating... now despite liking me I feel like he doesn't put in much effort like a typical guy. He is a gamer and spends most of his time gaming, uni or work. But why is it so hard for him to suggest that we do things together? How do i get him to be more initiative without scaring him off? His lack of initiative has always made me insecure and wonder whether he really likes me. 

[basil67]

21 minutes ago, mooncake11 said:

Sooo following on from my last threads, my ex boyfriend has finally confessed that he likes me after throwing hints here and there. This is a similar situation to last year in november until he got scared and backed off... this time round i really don't want to ruin the chance although i'm prepared for any outcome. The reason he backed off the first time was because i started getting insecure and kept asking for validation about how he felt about me and kept pushing for a relationship, part of my insecurities are from our post breakup and the fact that he 'fell out of love' which was honestly the last thing i expected because I've always trusted him the most. 

He isn't good at expressing himself and is very reserved which is why i have to push for him to react. It gets frustrating... now despite liking me I feel like he doesn't put in much effort like a typical guy. He is a gamer and spends most of his time gaming, uni or work.

But why is it so hard for him to suggest that we do things together? How do i get him to be more initiative without scaring him off? His lack of initiative has always made me insecure and wonder whether he really likes me. 

Mooncake, I have bolded a heap of reasons why you should't try again with him.   And the kind of love which sustains a relationship doesn't come and go. 

Regarding your last questions, the reason he doesn't suggest doing nice things with you is because he doesn't want to do nice things with you.  He'd rather game.  You CAN'T get him to take more initiative - he is who he is.   And there is no such thing as a "typical guy" in terms of how they approach relationships.  Men are individuals and all do things different ways.

Get rid of him and find someone who meets your needs.   

[Lotsgoingon]

If you feel he isn't working hard, then 99 percent chance, he isn't working hard. And if you feel he isn't working hard this early in the reconciliation, 99 percent chance he ain't gonna work hard the rest of the way.

Lose this guy.

 

 

[mooncake11]

I forgot to say that we’re also in lockdown (not fully) so there isn’t much we can do HAHA. But when i see couples try and get together i get saddened that he wont even though i know he’s trying to be responsible. I don’t know how to stop myself from having these expectations... i don’t know if its right to have them in this current pandemic situation.

[Mystery4u]

Your relationship is over, for good. There's no getting it back to how it was at the start. An ex is an ex for a reason. They stay as an ex. You don't break up with someone if you want to be with them.

All he sees you is someone to contact when he wants to have sex. He does not want a relationship with you, his actions have made that 100% clear.

Please have some self respect and stop communicating with him. He doesn't even sound that great, just gaming all the time.

You are completely wasting your time with him. You are 20, you will meet a lot more, better guys.

Drop him once and for all and move on with your life, he is majorly holding you back.

Edited April 4, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[preraph]

4 minutes ago, mooncake11 said:

I forgot to say that we’re also in lockdown (not fully) so there isn’t much we can do HAHA. But when i see couples try and get together i get saddened that he wont even though i know he’s trying to be responsible. I don’t know how to stop myself from having these expectations... i don’t know if its right to have them in this current pandemic situation.

it's not right having those expectations of him because that's not who he is and he's not going to change because he doesn't want to do those things. you have to find a different boyfriend and then you can have some expectations if you find one who likes to do those things. You're trying to make him something he isn't. He sounds horribly boring. Get a new one.

[spiderowl]

I know you were childhood sweethearts and that having known each other so long it is hard to believe it is really not working. This guy is not making any effort for you unless he feels jealous. He sees you as a possession so jealousy can be triggered at times. At such times his instinct is to dominate you again until he is sure you are not going off with a rival. This does not mean he sees you as the love of his life though.

Your ex is new at university and he wants to explore what social life he can there, including women. Until he has tried an alternative to his former relationship, he is not in a mental state to be committed, especially to an ex he is not making an effort for. Yes, every so often he will get insecure and lonely and then he’ll come looking for you and confuse you by seeming interested again. This is just going to drive you crazy if you keep believing it means he wants a relationship with you again.

As long as you are always willing to drop the rest of your life the minute he contacts you, he will not respect you. He will keep you waiting and will not bother replying to you. 

He does not sound like the kind of guy you need. You need someone emotionally engaged, taking the trouble to arrange dates with you and treating you as someone precious. If, however, you truly believe he is the guy for you, you need to make it hard for him to get any of your time. Don’t bother sending him texts and wait before replying to any of his. If he wants to see you, be unavailable. You don’t have to pretend you are going to be with friends, you can give any reason you wish - ‘I’m afraid I’m too tired and I’m going to have a long bath and go to bed.’ It needs to be clear to him that you are no longer putting him first or even second. Assume you will be spending the next 6 months with your friends or dating other guys instead. If this guy really does love you, he will fight tooth and nail to get your time. Give him 6 months to find out what it is like to no longer be your priority. 

If you do anything that means you are working to get him back - texting him, phoning him, trying to persuade him to meet up - you will have lost any respect you gained. Go out and enjoy yourself with other guys - you are free to do this you know. I suspect that after 6 months you will have found that others are more attentive and appreciative and that you will not be so sure that you want your ex back.

[mooncake11]

Thanks for this but its not that i’ve been solely focused on him. Before this whole pandemic I was still having fun and going to clubs. Neither of us have gotten with anyone new and by now we’ve been broken up for close to a year. Is that a decent amount of time yet to take this whole thing seriously?

[Mystery4u]

1 hour ago, mooncake11 said:

Thanks for this but its not that i’ve been solely focused on him. Before this whole pandemic I was still having fun and going to clubs. Neither of us have gotten with anyone new and by now we’ve been broken up for close to a year. Is that a decent amount of time yet to take this whole thing seriously?

Take what thing seriously?

[ExpatInItaly]

7 hours ago, mooncake11 said:

now despite liking me I feel like he doesn't put in much effort like a typical guy. He is a gamer and spends most of his time gaming, uni or work. 

This is typical of guys who aren't into you, Mooncake. Not typical of guys who are. 

I'm sorry, but you're still in denial about this. This guy isn't your future husband. He'll keep you around, kinda, until he meets a girl he is excited about. Then you won't hear from him at all anymore. That's the way this is going to end.