major_merrick Posted April 4, 2020 Share Posted April 4, 2020 Death came to our house this week. Wife #4 went into labor a month early, and the baby was stillborn. I've been trying to comfort her, but IDK if she just needs space or what to do. For the first 48 hours, she refused to eat or drink anything. I think she had the thought that she was just going to let herself fade away and die, but my husband convinced her to start taking care of herself. She doesn't talk or even cry. She hasn't spoken a word since the birth, and barely reacts. Sits and stares into space with the occasional tear running down her cheek. I've tried to give her food, she won't take it. My husband can get her to eat a little, but has to hand feed her. When she's awake, she curls up next to me or lays in my lap or with my husband, but just doesn't interact. My husband is also in pain, but doesn't talk about it. Out of all the children he's had, this is the first one he's lost. After the birth, he had to go out into the shop and build a coffin for his son and then go to the family cemetery and dig the grave. I wanted to go with him and try to help, but he wouldn't let me. I guess it is something a father has to do alone. All the kids (who are old enough to understand) are sad at losing their baby brother, and of course there are the usual questions about death and heaven. But they seem to be doing OK, and I've given them extra attention and tried to give my husband and wife #4 some space. But I don't know what else I can do since they are both so quiet. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted April 4, 2020 Share Posted April 4, 2020 I'm very sorry for your family's loss. Grieving is in part a solitary experience, especially in a situation like this. Sounds like you are doing all you can to help them both. Just keep an eye out for any behavior that is concerning and would indicate they aren't dealing with the loss in a healthy way. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted April 4, 2020 Share Posted April 4, 2020 (edited) What did the doctors say was the cause? I agree they are just going to need some time. Too hard to talk about it. Edited April 4, 2020 by preraph Link to post Share on other sites
Author major_merrick Posted April 4, 2020 Author Share Posted April 4, 2020 @preraph Her ultrasounds were normal all the way through, so who knows. She gave birth at home, and her labor was pretty normal overall. She has had a couple of miscarriages in the past, so she's taking it pretty hard. She also tried pretty hard to conceive. She's in her late 30's, and this was her first child in this marriage. Her other children were with her previous husband, who died a few years ago. She's dealt with a lot of loss in the last few years. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted April 4, 2020 Share Posted April 4, 2020 This loss is just bringing back the pain of all the other losses.. it will trigger a bunch of bad memories. It will just take time. Link to post Share on other sites
Author major_merrick Posted April 7, 2020 Author Share Posted April 7, 2020 Well she's gotten over her "stoic" phase. Sort of. But she's not dealing with this well, not that there's really a good way to deal with it. About mid-morning today she went kind of crazy for a bit. Smashed her hand through a mirror in the bathroom, tore a towel rack off the wall and then then curled up on the floor and cried. She cut her hand up pretty good, but didn't break any bones. For being only 100 lbs, she's pretty sturdy. I patched her up and she spent the rest of the day pretty quiet. Still won't talk much, but she's at least putting a few thoughts into words after 5+ days of total silence. Not sure if today was good or bad on this one. Link to post Share on other sites
Sioned Posted April 7, 2020 Share Posted April 7, 2020 http://www.sands.org.nz/ I know this is a group from a different country, and your belief system may not support outside help - but this is a charity in New Zealand that supports families who have lost children to Stillbirth and Miscarriage, and you may find some useful information or links that could help guide you. Someone I know and deeply respect does a lot of work for them, and I have nothing but the utmost admiration for the work they do in helping people through some of the worst days they will ever experience. Just know that it will take a long time possibly to heal from this - there is no time limit. Possiblly all you can do is just be there when and how she needs you to be, for however long that is. My heart goes out to you all.. Link to post Share on other sites
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