Self-isolate together or apart in LDR

[Monika80180]

Me and my partner have been in a relationship for a year. I live in Toronto, he lives in Cleveland, Ohio. It’s a four hour drive and we normally see each other for weekends, and when permitting for longer periods of time. Now, with COVID-19 we are separated. Well, we can’t drive across the border any more but we can still fly...

He’s out of work at the moment as result of non-essential business closure, I’m working from home. I asked him to come over to Toronto so we can self-isolate together but he doesn’t want to come. Why? He doesn’t want to get stuck in Toronto and not be able to return to USA. He’s also worried about catching the virus while taking the flight. The government says don’t make non-essential travel and he wants to stay put. He also want to stay close to his family and friends.

It hurts me that he doesn’t want to self-isolate with me. We have an opportunity to be together non-stop for the next couple of months, and normally we’d jump an opportunity like this. So, it shocks me that now he doesn’t feel the same burning desire to be with me. It makes me feel like I love him and want to be with him more than he does with me. It makes me question his feelings. He says I’m being unreasonable and selfish to expect him to travel to be with me. If I could, I’d be on the first plane to Cleveland to spend the next couple of months with him. 

Am I being unreasonable and selfish?

Edited April 4, 2020 by Monika80180

[FMW]

I think you're being idealistic.  I understand your desire to be with him and your disappointment in being separated.  But I agree with his decision.  

[Monika80180]

20 minutes ago, FMW said:

I think you're being idealistic.  I understand your desire to be with him and your disappointment in being separated.  But I agree with his decision.  

I’m a hopeless romantic and idealistic for sure. However, I’m also concerned about the psychological impact of being locked away in the apartment alone, he is alone and so am I. He’s already getting depressed and so am I. Humans are not wired in a way to be alone for a prolonged period of time, digital contact only goes that far. If this self-isolation was for 3-4 weeks, I’d definitely agree that it’s better to stay apart, but this will be for 2-3 months.

[FMW]

I don't disagree with you about that.  But we all have to make hard choices right now.  Resenting his decision is definitely going to be bad for your relationship and emotional well-being.  I know 2-3 months sound like an eternity.  But if you have a strong relationship you'll come through this physical separation.  Just keep communicating and don't let it become an emotional separation.  

Emotions are high right now for all of us.  Give it a little time and thought and see if you can come to respect his decision, even if you don't agree with it.  It sounds like he's pretty clear on his stance and won't change his mind.  Sometimes what seems obvious and natural to us is not the same for our significant others. 

As far as being locked away alone goes, stay in contact by phone, text, etc. with your friends and family.  I know it's not the same, but it keeps you from being completely isolated.  

This isn't forever.  We just have to get through it.  

 

[Monika80180]

46 minutes ago, FMW said:

I don't disagree with you about that.  But we all have to make hard choices right now.  Resenting his decision is definitely going to be bad for your relationship and emotional well-being.  I know 2-3 months sound like an eternity.  But if you have a strong relationship you'll come through this physical separation.  Just keep communicating and don't let it become an emotional separation.  

Emotions are high right now for all of us.  Give it a little time and thought and see if you can come to respect his decision, even if you don't agree with it.  It sounds like he's pretty clear on his stance and won't change his mind.  Sometimes what seems obvious and natural to us is not the same for our significant others. 

As far as being locked away alone goes, stay in contact by phone, text, etc. with your friends and family.  I know it's not the same, but it keeps you from being completely isolated.  

This isn't forever.  We just have to get through it.  

 

Thank you for your kind words. This isn’t forever and it will pass. You are right. From my perspective I think I will need to do some soul searching whether I can respect his decision. I’d do anything for him, and right I need him by my side more than anything, I feel let down and abandoned. Time will tell.

[Mystery4u]

No you are not being unreasonable and selfish. Unfortunately he is just not matching your expectations. I'm completely with you. I'm in a LDR and am waiting for a travel ban to be over before I book my flight to see my girlfriend, regardless of any 'advice' to not travel or any 'risks' of catching something. I would much rather be quarantined with her by my side as being together makes us both happy, even if we are just stuck in one room.

Fortunately she feels the same and when I asked her if I have to self quarantine in a hotel room for 2 weeks when I arrive, would she join me, leaving her family and friends, she couldn't say yes fast enough.

I don't know what the rest of your relationship is like or how you both see the future with each other, but maybe this is an early indication that you are not both on the same page. I've had a number of relationships, some where expectations about spending time together were not matched. and this is my best one so far, and hopefully last. When you are crazy in love with someone and want to spend as much time as possible by their side, and the feeling is 100% mutual, its such a good feeling.

Talk to him. You seem like a good person who has a lot of love to give and wants to show it, but also want the same appreciation back (same as me), so I hope it works out for you both.

[d0nnivain]

There may be issues with getting international medical care.  He's being a pragmatist.  I understand your disappointment but don't be too harsh with him & use the available technology to stay close. 

Be well.  Stay safe. 

[Monika80180]

34 minutes ago, Mystery4u said:

No you are not being unreasonable and selfish. Unfortunately he is just not matching your expectations. I'm completely with you. I'm in a LDR and am waiting for a travel ban to be over before I book my flight to see my girlfriend, regardless of any 'advice' to not travel or any 'risks' of catching something. I would much rather be quarantined with her by my side as being together makes us both happy, even if we are just stuck in one room.

Fortunately she feels the same and when I asked her if I have to self quarantine in a hotel room for 2 weeks when I arrive, would she join me, leaving her family and friends, she couldn't say yes fast enough.

I don't know what the rest of your relationship is like or how you both see the future with each other, but maybe this is an early indication that you are not both on the same page. I've had a number of relationships, some where expectations about spending time together were not matched. and this is my best one so far, and hopefully last. When you are crazy in love with someone and want to spend as much time as possible by their side, and the feeling is 100% mutual, its such a good feeling.

Talk to him. You seem like a good person who has a lot of love to give and wants to show it, but also want the same appreciation back (same as me), so I hope it works out for you both.

Thank you! I’m so happy that you and your gf are on the same page. I wish you both best of luck. 

[Monika80180]

8 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

There may be issues with getting international medical care.  He's being a pragmatist.  I understand your disappointment but don't be too harsh with him & use the available technology to stay close. 

Be well.  Stay safe. 

I looked into international medical insurance that also covers COVID-19 in Canada a couple of weeks ago already. It’s inexpensive and available.

I have thought of every challenge, obstacle, countermeasure, etc. I understand that in case of emergency, for instance his family member falling ill, he may need to get to his home city and I account for that. I regularly check for updates on restrictions and I’d continue to do that. Right now, he could easily get back home either by 4-hour drive or a flight. If this was to be restricted, and this always comes with warning, I’d urge him to return back to his home city myself. 

[chillii]

No l don't think you are either and in ways your right too it is a great opportunity . My gf flew down to be with me 3wks ago we weren't sure she'd even make it flight cancelled and changed 3 times too buttttt, she got here. tbh we still can't believe she made it, She is suppose to go back in a wk or so now but it was better than nothing , that's booked and they haven't cancelled it yet but we won't know till last minute on the day if it's really gonna happen now.

But l can also see he's family thing and not wanting to end up stuck there , l just wouldn't call it stuck myself , gf might be stuck too , damn , not.