Does WH always affair down?

[Dawn37]

I'm interested to know of others experiences regarding their WH/OW

I read an interesting forum last night that said more often the WH will affair down, pick someone who is weak or an easy target so to speak?

My Ex H other woman, whilst certainly younger, is in no way a person I feel inferior to in terms of looks, size, most definitely not personality ( I think she is actually quite dull), not to mention she was prepared to sleep with her friends husband!!!!

 

Im interested on others views on this 

[elaine567]

I think it depends, some OW are glamorous and intelligent, some are dowdy and dull.
Some graduate from being friends and coworkers into the OW role, some are specifically targeted  by him for their looks/personality.
Most MM however do not have their "pick" of available women as A) they are married and B) they are ageing and C) they come with "baggage"
Few women with options will want to play second fiddle to his wife and kids and be his dirty secret.
BUT I do think some women do not care about any of that, they see a man they see has potential and the fact he is married is no obstacle to them.
They know what they want and the wife and kids are irrelevant and ultimately expendable...
I do think some men prefer "younger" for their looks, but I also think some men like younger because they are more malleable and docile, they are often submissive to his age and experience.
Some men just want a younger model on their arm and in their bed and are not too fussed about much else really...
The fact she lacks "personality" may make him feel better about himself, he is the one who shines, she is his biggest fan.
Some women though nothing special  themselves are very good at "bigging up" a man and that can be very attractive to a guy who is unhappy/bored in his marriage.
Attraction is very subjective.
You do not rate her but obviously he does...

[Rainbows]

I certainly found this with the OW in my marriage!

I have read the same articles, and found it very interesting as id never have thought it worthwhile to 'affair' down, but it says a lot about the psychology of it all.

I actually found it a blessing - easier to deal with for me, than if my husband had an affair with a younger/prettier/slimmer model than myself...as my confidence would have taken even 'more' of a beating, id have incorporated 'looks' into the reason why he's done this etc...

Before cheating on me, my husbands morals against infidelity were as strong as mine, and if id have shown him a photo of this OW, behind the story that one of our friends had just left his wife and 'babies' for THIS woman....honestly, my husband would have laughed out loud!

And not only her physical appearance - which I could mention but I dont want to offend anyone (shes also older than both he and I) but her style aswell, she dresses like an old woman and my husband is in a baseball cap with a goatee beard! Everything about this woman is laughable. If he'd have introduced me to his new colleague at work - a pretty, young girl my heckles would have been up, making sure he wasnt going to be working 'overtime' at that office! But id never in a million YEARS have felt threatened by this woman.

Then there is her relationship history, divorced, step fathers, she cheated on her fiance and wrecked her own family unit aswell as ours...and how she 'spoke about 'me' - KNOWING that id just been through a stillbirth and that we had just had our new baby, yet she spoke about me and about sex with such little moral, I dont know how anyone could be blind to the 'character' and the manipulation I saw in their messages.

Im just hoping he see's it one day.

[Pastypop]

I think they are just looking for whoever will have sex with them without drama.  Don’t think the rest really matters. 

[heartwhole2]

I can understand that affair dynamics cause people to think on this a lot; after all, we're wired to guard our mates against poachers. But it's not like people with integrity have affairs because someone with better qualities comes along. Rather, people tell themselves a lot of lies and do a lot of dastardly things to justify something that gives them an endorphin hit. 

We decided that we liked each other's good qualities when we got married and that we complemented each other. There are plenty of other people with good qualities out there, but you choose just one to marry. Occasionally affairs do turn into long term marriages, but in truth a person can and should decide to end their marriage the right way before starting another relationship. Maybe the zing you feel for someone new gives you the kick in the butt to deal with the marriage you haven't been dealing with (but my question is . . . why haven't you been dealing with it? It's your life and your responsibility to make it a healthy and joyous one today.)

In my INTJ-ness I was spared the urge to compare (since my own opinion of myself has always mattered more to me than others'). I figured OW must not be a completely wretched person if my husband was interested in her. But in choosing to have an affair, they were doubling down on their worst traits and encouraging the other to do the same. They degraded themselves. 

As a BW, I think it's really important to fill your own cup up with self-love. Then if you have the misfortune of discovering you've been cheated on, you'll at least say, "But why would you be so dumb? Of course affairs are fun, you ninny. But they are also destructive and demeaning and abusive. And I'm hot stuff who go could go find someone else in an instant." It doesn't matter what qualities other women have. What matters is my wit and character and strength and grace and imperfect perfection. I root for other people to have good lives. When people choose to have affairs, they shoot themselves in the foot. They may not realize it, but they miss out on what really matters: love and loyalty and trustworthiness and loving and being loved by people who have those in abundance. Maybe they look good on the outside, but that's not what concerns me.

It's not a comparison. I'm sure OW has some areas where she's stronger than I am. I am sure she has many where she isn't. I don't think she's a wretched person or unattractive or unworthy of love. I just think that she acted out of desperation and was lacking in self-love to expect better for herself. I think she thought he was her last chance so she turned something sordid into "meant to be." 

I'm not feeling very succinct right now. I think what I'm trying to say is that it really doesn't matter what you look like or seem like when you do something really ugly. It shouldn't be the affair partner's qualities that concern you, but your spouse's bizarre and unacceptable decision to grant himself permission to have a mistress in secret.

[central]

I'm sure most betrayed spouses would like to think that the affair partner is a downgrade. In reality, the AP could be better, the same, or worse on whatever scale you choose for comparison. And if they seem as good or better on one scale, then no doubt the BS will find another scale on which they come out better, simply (and legitimately) for their own self-esteem.

[Amethyst68]

I've seen the thread referred to in the opening post and the point it makes is it doesn't matter if the AP is better looking, smarter, has a better job etc. It's saying that by entering into an affair with a MM/MW the AP has shown a lack of integrity, morality, honour etc and that's why the WH will always affair down.

It's nothing to do with the physical aspects of the AP vs BS but yes some BS do take potshots at the AP the same way the AP does to the BS.

[SummerDreams]

On 4/4/2020 at 9:13 PM, Dawn37 said:

I'm interested to know of others experiences regarding their WH/OW

I read an interesting forum last night that said more often the WH will affair down, pick someone who is weak or an easy target so to speak?

My Ex H other woman, whilst certainly younger, is in no way a person I feel inferior to in terms of looks, size, most definitely not personality ( I think she is actually quite dull), not to mention she was prepared to sleep with her friends husband!!!!

 

Im interested on others views on this 

Thing is, we can't compare a woman's point of view of a woman to men's point of view of that woman because there is a difference in how a man sees a woman and how a woman sees that woman. The only thing we can safely compare is the age, but even that will mean nothing because some men may like older women more than younger.

Regarding choosing a woman who is weak or an easy target, a woman who accepts willingly to be the third person sure must have a need for therapy, but still this is not a rule.

[elaine567]

6 minutes ago, SummerDreams said:

Thing is, we can't compare a woman's point of view of a woman to men's point of view of that woman because there is a difference in how a man sees a woman and how a woman sees that woman.

Exactly.
A clue may be sought by looking at the size of her breasts or the shape of her behind... as opposed to those lovely eyes or those perfect features, or her inquiring mind...

[BaileyB]

3 hours ago, SummerDreams said:

Thing is, we can't compare a woman's point of view of a woman to men's point of view of that woman because there is a difference in how a man sees a woman and how a woman sees that woman. 

Indeed. Men and women tend to assess very different things, when looking for a romantic partner. 

A man looking to find an affair partner is probably not assessing her character or quality as a future life partner. It’s a generalization, but I find this is often the basis of comparison for a betrayed spouse. Just as, “how could he chose to stay with his wife - I’m younger, more beautiful, sexier, more adventurous, more fun, he says that he loves me more... than the wife” is often the basis of comparison for the affair partner. 

The thing is, each man has his own qualifications for an affair partner. And as he does not have his “choice” of women, it may in fact come down to (among other things) a woman’s willingness to accept the role. And there-in lies the difference between women. 

Edited April 9, 2020 by BaileyB

[stillafool]

I'm sure for some MM looks do matter but don't overlook the emotional bond that some women can create which can make a man obsessed with her.  One can go from looking plain to absolutely gorgeous in the eye of the beholder.

[SummerDreams]

1 hour ago, stillafool said:

I'm sure for some MM looks do matter but don't overlook the emotional bond that some women can create which can make a man obsessed with her.  One can go from looking plain to absolutely gorgeous in the eye of the beholder.

I think men who cheat are in the following two categories: a) plain womanizers who just want to have as many women as possible and they should never have been married and b) men who feel and/or are unhappy in their marriage so they want to find someone who will make them feel better. The second category I don't think cares about the woman's looks, they just want an ear to be there for them, some physical and emotional bond that can make them "happy" again.

[heartwhole2]

What really offends me is the idea that I should be compared to this other person at all. It's not like my husband is purchasing a car and needs to compare features and value. The comparison buys into the fallacy that maybe it's OK to cheat if someone "better" comes along. 

I can understand why it's perplexing when your husband cheats with someone who seems inferior in many ways, but I think the fact that many people won't "date" a married man can explain that. But again, everyone is beautiful to someone. Everyone is funny to someone. I don't need to put "the competition" down to feel better about myself because my self worth is dug deep into a solid foundation. 

The thing that perplexed me and inspired me to read OW stories was my really being unable to understand why someone would want a married man to begin with. The fact that he's got poor boundaries and is willing to lie and cheat makes him immediately not worth my time. Having grown up with healthy self-esteem, it wasn't something I could comprehend without digging deeper into the mindset of people who make those choices. On DDay I actually said, "But why would a single woman so far away WANT to have a secret relationship with you?" and he sputtered out, "Well, she has really low self-esteem." And I said, "Then why would YOU want to have an affair with her?" I could see the bubble bursting in his head as I challenged the fairy tale they'd been hiding inside of. And then I said, "You two should just be together because you seem to deserve each other and I don't know if you can deserve me now. And I am hot stuff and can find someone new." Then his eyes got REALLY wide. 😂 He was acting like it was a condescension to stay with me and I wasn't having it.

Comparisons are futile if you are happy with your life. And if you're not, then it's up to you to change it. I'm sure there's someone out there I could have better (in some ways) sex with. I'm sure there's someone who might get me in certain ways better. That's because there are many people we can be compatible with. And that's great news, because it means that when get divorced or lose a partner, we can find love again. But the fact that there are other compatible or attractive people out there shouldn't confuse us into "what if's." The grass is greenest where you water it. If you chose a compatible partner and you're both committed to bettering yourselves and making your marriage thrive, then you'll be fine. Feeling a zing for a passing person should just make you smile and then grab your partner's hand, thankful for the gift of spending your lifetime with someone so special. 

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, SummerDreams said:

I think men who cheat are in the following two categories: a) plain womanizers who just want to have as many women as possible and they should never have been married and b) men who feel and/or are unhappy in their marriage so they want to find someone who will make them feel better. The second category I don't think cares about the woman's looks, they just want an ear to be there for them, some physical and emotional bond that can make them "happy" again.

And, I think most women would tend to fall into the second category...

Loved your post heartwhole. While I understand that it may be part of the process, to wonder about the other woman and what would have attracted the two individuals to each other... comparing oneself to another is an exercise in futility. Those who have a healthy self image will quickly move on, focusing on themselves and the life they will create for themselves and their children/family.

Putting another person down may feel good in the moment and it may even be a part of the process of recovery for some (the anger stage of grief), but it becomes a problem when an individual has to put another down in order to consistently make themselves feel better. 

It also becomes a problem when one uses the opinions or actions of others, particularly those who have behaved so selfishly and disrespectfully, to assess their own self worth. 

I suppose, it is the age-old theory of locus of control. It’s easier for some to focus externally, to place blame on others, and use their poor behaviour to feed their own insecurities and “failures,”  rather than stand strong, secure in the knowledge of their own worth, and focus on what they can control.

Edited April 9, 2020 by BaileyB

[spiritedaway2003]

I don't think it's important to think if someone is "affairing" up or down, just as I generally think it is hazardous to compare one's relationship with a s/o with past exes or future partners.  Truth be told, I never understood the point of comparing people, when we're all so different in our own ways.   There will always be people who are better, or stronger, or smarter than you.  That's a fact.  Just as there won't be anyone who could replace the uniqueness that is you.  Comparing people or relationships, at least in my mind (and as Bailey had wrote so well) is often an "exercise in futility". 

People could speculate on the reasons on why someone might stray.  As cliche as this is going to sound, beauty is in the eyes of the beholder.  And I mean in all forms, not just physical beauty (though it's often the first that is assessed).

 

[CaliforniaGirl]

That other man/woman is giving the ex something that s/he has been missing. So that's gold. Not said from personal cheating experience, just from observation.

[chillii]

Yeah imo that's it and by in my experience too. She might seem dull to you but she might not to him she might have personality traits he liked a lot , missed , needed , or physical . My ex w went ok , for yeah someone she could just get , and he was no prince , but he also had something she needed at the time and l think that's pretty common in men or women , even if it's just that they were just there but l do believe through observation , reading , forums dealing with this stuff and personal experience too that they do offer them something they needed that had been missing for them , even if we can't or don't wanna see it. And as far as someone younger , so what women that take of with a younger guy do so because it's someone she can control and boss about ahh no me thinks not or in the vise versa either. 

Edited April 13, 2020 by chillii

[pepperbird]

The OW my husband got involved with was younger than me, probably more attractive and one hell of a lot less tired.
Of course she was! She could drop everything and go off for the  day. She wasn't raising thee kids under the age of ten on her own most of the time. She represented fun and freedom form responsibilities.
In this way, I guess one could say he "affaired up".
This being said, in a lot of ways, he also "affaired down". She was an absolute tool (I'll explain later) who had zero understanding of the consequences of her actions. Part of why she was so much fun is that she was at the emotional maturity level of a teen. She even emailed me after their affair was over to tell me what a great person I was and that we should be friends and I could go to her for marriage advice if I ever needed to.  After that didn't get under my skin, she stared emailing me, calling me and sitting in her car and staring at our house for hours at a time. She harassed me, harassed my kids, even going as far as to come up to us in the grocery store and asking them how they liked their daddy being gone.
They burst into tears, and while i have never once hit anyone, I could have clocked her.
She'd send me massages saying she was going to harm herself and it would be my fault. When my spouse was deployed, the fool sent him "anonymous" messages that I was cheating on him! I will never understand why she did that, as I wasn't and it left a record of her harassment on the DWAN.
This went on for months, even while she was seeing other guys.

The last I heard, she's married, has a coupe of kids and her husband cheats on her without any sort of compunction. I feel awful for her, as I know how bad it feels to be a mother and find out your spouse is cheating. I used to think that if I ever found that out, I would feel a sense of satisfaction, but I don't. No one should have to go through that, not even her.