Sending my diary?

[Alpha999]

I just wanted to ask opinions on this.

My last relationship ended 6 months ago.  We haven't seen each other in over 3 months, haven't spoken in around 2 months.

I made every mistake possible.

My biggest regret and what has been levelled at me since breaking up is that I was never open enough.

I've been working on my personality flaws for quite a while now and kept a diary along the way to chart the progress.

It's not your standard diary of daily events but more so how I feel about life, what I'm changing, regrets, hopes, wishes etc.  I'm sure you can imagine.

As it progressed I've wondered whether I should send it to my ex.  

As often seems to be case she has taken everything I've done negatively since we split up, even if I admit I've done some stupid stuff.

So here's the thing, I was a complete mess when we broke up due to other things also going on in my life. 

I have since found myself again, cleared up a lot of my issues, feel an awful lot of better...

And I'm at a crunch point.  I think of her every day and believe we could have an amazing life together.

I'm considering if to send this diary to her and show every part of myself.

I realise it may come off as weird but I'm hoping it shows I'm finally able and willing to open up to her.

So I won't go into endless details but in principle what do you think, good idea or bad idea?

Thanks

[SincereOnlineGuy]

Of course you shouldn't send it.

 

You can always send it,  but you can never un-send it.

 

 

[d0nnivain]

Perhaps if you had been that open when she first leveled her complaints that you weren't open enough sharing your diary could have saved your relationship.  But now, 6 months after the fact, she doesn't want to read it.  Don't send it. 

Instead think about her criticism.  Learn to be more open in your next relationship assuming your new partner is trustworthy.

[preraph]

Diaries are generally TOO much info to share with other people.  It's too late for that.  There's no guarantee she would have reacted well to what you wrote anyway.  She might have seen you as weak or manipulative, for example.  

[Rex12]

Don't send it OP. It's too much & too personal. You haven't spoke in two months. You don't know her current mindset.

You mention you made 'every mistake possible' Really? Without you telling me otherwise, I would wager that was just you revealing your feelings & what you wanted. Totally normal & not the actions of someone who isn't 'open' 

You've got to remember the dumper - assuming it wasn't you in this instance - likes to have something to justify their actions. It is convenient for them, makes it easier. Yes, you should reflect and learn when a relationship ends but don't over analyze the reasons they give you. 

Clearly you have retained feelings for her if you're thinking of her every day & envisaging a future together. But if you're sure you've laid it all on the line when you split then there's little else you can do save just texting her a 'Hi how are you?' The further rejection you'd most likely would crush any remaining hope as brutal as that sounds.

Don't send the diary though OP. You sound like a nice guy who's taking steps to get towards the best version of you. Be selfish. Keep focusing on you as you have been doing. Your ex hasn't done anything since you split to be rewarded by your attention. 

[Alpha999]

Thanks for the comments everyone.  Pretty unanimous there. 

Yes, she split with me.  I went through a very difficult time outside the R which affected me deeply and ultimately caused our split. 

I guess you're all right. Ever had that feeling though that something is just meant to be? 

When I said crunch time I meant that I still want her, but no longer in a desperate way, have been getting on with my life but there's a little hope left.  I can't stay here forever and so thought sending the diary would be the decider.  No response or a negative response would be the full stop I need to move on. Laying all my cards on the table might just have been the thing that saved things.   Read if many people getting back together after months apart and thought I'd give it a try before finally moving on. 

 

Thank you for all your comments though, it's really made me think. 

[ExpatInItaly]

13 hours ago, Alpha999 said:

I guess you're all right. Ever had that feeling though that something is just meant to be?  

Yep, and I've been wrong about it more than a couple times.

Having that "feeling" just isn't enough to go on, especially when it's clearly one-sided. Don't send the diary. It's too late, as the others have pointed out. You're not likely to get the reaction you're hoping for from her. You say that no response or a negative response would be the signal that you need to  move on. But honestly, my friend, that signal was her breaking up with you. 

Edited April 5, 2020 by ExpatInItaly

[kendahke]

I don't think you should unless you really and truly are cool with either hearing nothing back or having it taken in a way you never meant.

You can't control her response--and you also don't want it falling into someone else's hands if she's not being careful with it.

I'd keep it to myself. Anything you could write, she already knew about you and still decided that not being with you was the better option.

Edited April 7, 2020 by kendahke

[kendahke]

On 4/5/2020 at 12:31 AM, Alpha999 said:

Ever had that feeling though that something is just meant to be? 

not 6 months after I'd broken up with them.

[schlumpy]

I would consider her criticism of my character and if I agreed I would modify my behavior but you can't take it too much to heart because the next girl you meet might find that you are perfect and doesn't want you to change.

Try to find her.