Family wants me to do more during the pandemic

[SweetCharity]

They say you're more than your productivity... unless you're my family. I live with my mom and 14 year old sister. I'm one of 5 sisters. Three of them have their own places w/ spouses, respectively and children. I guess you could say I'm the black sheep who hasn't quite figured out adulting yet. I just got divorced from an abusive ex partner. I struggled with drinking and depression and holding down a job. I've been let go from three full time jobs within the past year alone. The only job that kept me on was a part time. 

Although I did get a promotion at my part time I'm not making nearly enough that I once was. I'm always scrambling to give my mom the $600 I owe her for rent. I was considering looking for another part-time job because I wanted to invest my time at the part time to see where it goes. I felt like I had finally found my niche. And then the pandemic happened. 

I'm on paid leave while my sisters are still working. Two of them keep sending me job postings and my mother is constantly telling me to "get a job." I told her I have a job that is paying me to stay home and can't go out there during this time. So she said I get a work from home job. I asked her why it was so important to her if I was able to give her rent money. She said she worries about me. My one sister cut in that I'm "never working towards something." That's simply not true. I'm staying at the job that appreciates me and investing my time there hoping I'll move up. I'm also working on other things. I'm getting approached for seamstress work. It's not conventional but chasing the 9 to 5 has never worked out for me. I was verbally abused by a boss for a year, not trained and let go within 90 days and working in a racist and sexist environment for 90 days before I was let go. I'm disillusioned with the system. 

Meanwhile they're all pressuring me to make masks to donate while belittling my personal sewing projects I've made. I had thought about making masks but having them demand I do it as if I only think about myself makes me feel some type of way. 

It's like I'm a huge failure in my family because I don't make a lot of money and can't move out. My sisters get support from their spouses. Ironically one is working at my former job. I want to move out but just don't have the means and definitely can't now. And if I'm being honest, I know I'll be lonely if I leave. In my culture it's not uncommon to stay in the home. But my sister said to me, "If something happens to our mom I won't be able to take care of you." Which was really rude and presumptuous. 

But it's like all they care about is what I can do for them. I'm constantly being pressured to watch my 2 year old niece. My mother is constantly complaining about me all the time. But even when I had two jobs and was giving her a steady $600 per month she complained and always wanted more. Nevermind that my one of my sisters is giving her $1000 per month. I gave her every spare penny I had this month just so I wouldn't owe her. 

Edited April 5, 2020 by SweetCharity

[d0nnivain]

Can you do more around the house during this time?  You are getting paid to be home.  Lucky you.  Make the meals, do the laundry, clean.  If they see you being busy, they may be less inclined to criticize. 

It does sound like as soon as this is over you best do everything you can to get out of there.  

Be well.  Stay safe.  

[preraph]

Sounds like you are pretty codependent on your family.  If it were me, I'd get two jobs and move out with some roommate or something, or move somewhere out further from the city where maybe rent is cheaper.  

 

But you said you would be lonely, so you must like being with family.  They are all trying to pressure you into working more and doing more.  $600 seems like a LOT of rent to me to pay to the family.  Are you guys living in a mansion or something?  How many people live there?  Are you all paying the same amount?  Are you charging them to babysit?  I would be because babysitting isn't my chosen line of work.  

 

I don't know why they're prodding you to find a different job when you have paid leave.  I must say, I don't have all the information. Clearly, they think you are prone to "do nothing" and not enough to support yourself, and I imagine those are valid concerns.  However, if you like your job and you're able to pay the rent, I wouldn't change it either and would see what happens with it.  Especially since you haven't stayed well at other jobs but like this one okay.  

This isn't the time, but I am just going to tell you that you are not going to grow up fully and be your own person who is decisive and confident until and unless you move out from under your family and get out on your own, so in the long-term, that should be your goal.  If you had already done that, you would be more confident now at running your own life and they would be less likely to find criticizing and bossing you around so easy.  You're an easy target.  You just came out of an abusive relationship.  You've never really been on your own and not under the influence of bossy people.  Your family may well be why you let the abusive ex into your life.  It may have seemed natural to you when he crossed some of those lines.  Anyway, for the future, you do need to get out on your own.  Get one full-time job and then one part-time where you work your days off and get in your own place away from family.  Live on your own like that a couple of years and you will find out who you are without all the constant input from family making you feel bad.  True self-esteem is built by accomplishing things for yourself.  You can always see your family when you're up for it, but once you're independent, you can tell them to mind their own business and hire childcare whenever you want to.

 

Good luck.

[SweetCharity]

1 hour ago, d0nnivain said:

Can you do more around the house during this time?  You are getting paid to be home.  Lucky you.  Make the meals, do the laundry, clean.  If they see you being busy, they may be less inclined to criticize. 

It does sound like as soon as this is over you best do everything you can to get out of there.  

Be well.  Stay safe.  

Yeah, I've been helping with babysitting. At this point in time I'm helping out with cleaning the house. I sometimes wash the dishes and cook too though it grosses me out due to a cockroach infestation that won't go away.

[SweetCharity]

1 hour ago, preraph said:

Sounds like you are pretty codependent on your family.  If it were me, I'd get two jobs and move out with some roommate or something, or move somewhere out further from the city where maybe rent is cheaper.  

 

But you said you would be lonely, so you must like being with family.  They are all trying to pressure you into working more and doing more.  $600 seems like a LOT of rent to me to pay to the family.  Are you guys living in a mansion or something?  How many people live there?  Are you all paying the same amount?  Are you charging them to babysit?  I would be because babysitting isn't my chosen line of work.  

 

I don't know why they're prodding you to find a different job when you have paid leave.  I must say, I don't have all the information. Clearly, they think you are prone to "do nothing" and not enough to support yourself, and I imagine those are valid concerns.  However, if you like your job and you're able to pay the rent, I wouldn't change it either and would see what happens with it.  Especially since you haven't stayed well at other jobs but like this one okay.  

This isn't the time, but I am just going to tell you that you are not going to grow up fully and be your own person who is decisive and confident until and unless you move out from under your family and get out on your own, so in the long-term, that should be your goal.  If you had already done that, you would be more confident now at running your own life and they would be less likely to find criticizing and bossing you around so easy.  You're an easy target.  You just came out of an abusive relationship.  You've never really been on your own and not under the influence of bossy people.  Your family may well be why you let the abusive ex into your life.  It may have seemed natural to you when he crossed some of those lines.  Anyway, for the future, you do need to get out on your own.  Get one full-time job and then one part-time where you work your days off and get in your own place away from family.  Live on your own like that a couple of years and you will find out who you are without all the constant input from family making you feel bad.  True self-esteem is built by accomplishing things for yourself.  You can always see your family when you're up for it, but once you're independent, you can tell them to mind their own business and hire childcare whenever you want to.

 

Good luck.

I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, the biggest symptom of that has been depression. I did try to live on my own but it didn't work out. Granted I wasn't sober then and undiagnosed. I came back down here to survive and then got married. After that my mother made me move back in with her to get away from my ex husband. I'm forever grateful for that but it's like I can't get out now. 

It's not a mansion. In fact we live in the ghetto, in a cockroach infested apartment. There are two rooms. I sleep in one while my sister and mother sleep in the other. She started complaining I was like a hen in a large box so I told her to just take my bed and room because I'm tired of hearing her complain. She said that's not the point. I used to come home to either one of them sleeping in my bed. I hate sharing a bed with people so I'd have a problem with it. But I'm the bad guy because my mother got rid of her own bed. 

I know I've always had problems being able to support myself. I have a lot of debt and don't know how to manage money. I was doing better at my most recent full time job until they let me go. I'm trying to do better but trying to take a different path than the 9 to 5. My mom says I'm being unrealistic. She says they'll never move me up at my current job because they won't even offer me full time.

My only option now is to get another job I guess. I don't know where I'd move. Rent is pretty ridiculous down here. 

Edited April 5, 2020 by SweetCharity

[preraph]

But why, in Florida, where it says you live, is your share $600?  How much is her rent payment for a little ghetto two-bedroom apartment?  That just doesn't make sense to me.  There's 3 people living there.  If they're all paying $600, that would mean the apartment in the ghetto is $1800 a month.  Does that sound right to you?  I mean, you see those prices some places, but everywhere in Florida is not that expensive.  I would say if your family has chosen to live in a roach infested ghetto where rent is $1800, maybe they also are not good at making financial decisions.  Why wouldn't you all just up and move somewhere you can afford?  

Edited April 5, 2020 by preraph

[preraph]

Do you have pets in the home?  If not, you just go buy boric acid and line all walls and passageways, anywhere they can get in, with it, and put it anywhere there are pipes leading into the cabinets.  It's simple.  I had some real bad years ago.  You can't put it down with animals in the home though.  They track it to their nests and I got rid of a bad infestation that showed up suddenly from the attic that way once.  

 

Also, there's roach foggers and I recently used one to get rid of fleas, but it mostly killed roaches and still seems to be killing them.  You have to leave for 2 hours and then clean the place out.  But in an apt, better to use the boric acid because that kills the nests. 

[justwhoiam]

13 hours ago, SweetCharity said:

I'm on paid leave while my sisters are still working.

How much are you getting with the part-time leave? And what industry are you working in? Some companies are struggling and won't be able to cope with lockdown for too long. Chances are the latest people hired will be the first ones to be let go. People over 50 are more protected usually. Not sure how old you are, but I assume you're younger than that.

35 minutes ago, SweetCharity said:

Yeah, I've been helping with babysitting. At this point in time I'm helping out with cleaning the house. I sometimes wash the dishes and cook too though it grosses me out due to a cockroach infestation that won't go away.

If you pay for rent, start charging your babysitting time. You're not family just when it's convenient to others and to let them take advantage of you. My parents would never make me pay rent. That said, your mother has some guts, because she lives in the ghetto in a tiny home infested by cockroaches and needs money from her daughters to get by, so I'm not sure she's the kind of person who can teach how to handle money or be successful in the work field.

24 minutes ago, SweetCharity said:

I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, the biggest symptom of that has been depression.

Are you covered with insurance? If you lose your job, can your sister's or mother's insurances be extended to you as a family member living under the same roof? If so, it's not worth moving out for now. Your situation seems precarious.

[justwhoiam]

Regard making masks, I think if you can devote a couple hours to that every day, you'll be doing something good for your community. After all, you have nothing to do all day long. Don't get lazy.

[preraph]

Seriously, I just did a search for 2-bedroom apartment prices in Florida and even average (not ghetto) ones are 1100-1400 per month.  Seems like you're paying more than your fair share and your mom is choosing to live in a crappy place. If it's that bad, then it shouldn't even cost as much as the average.  Even Orlando, the most expensive place, an average 2-bed apartment isn't that high.  Do a google search in your area and find out what's up.  

[SweetCharity]

23 minutes ago, preraph said:

But why, in Florida, where it says you live, is your share $600?  How much is her rent payment for a little ghetto two-bedroom apartment?  That just doesn't make sense to me.  There's 3 people living there.  If they're all paying $600, that would mean the apartment in the ghetto is $1800 a month.  Does that sound right to you?  I mean, you see those prices some places, but everywhere in Florida is not that expensive.  I would say if your family has chosen to live in a roach infested ghetto where rent is $1800, maybe they also are not good at making financial decisions.  Why wouldn't you all just up and move somewhere you can afford?  

The $600 covers my living expenses apparently. Since technically my mother isn't supposed to have me living there because it's affordable housing she's taking a risk. She does buy a lot of the food and cooks all the time so I'm paying for that as well. My sister who lives there is 14 so she can't work. My mother also can't work because she has an undiagnosed disability that's preventing her from doing so. 

Right now she wants to buy a house. Our lease is up in August. I tried to look into buying a house for her but my student loans won't allow me to.

Believe me I've tried everything for the infestation. Boric acid, foggers. I even paid Orkin for a year and nothing worked. My mother told the landlord but he hasn't done anything about it. 

It doesn't seem right to me but the last time I posted about this people responded saying I was ungrateful. So I give my mom that $600 because that's what we agreed on. I have this fear that I'd be homeless if it wasn't for her. For a little while I was.

[SweetCharity]

12 minutes ago, justwhoiam said:

How much are you getting with the part-time leave? And what industry are you working in? Some companies are struggling and won't be able to cope with lockdown for too long. Chances are the latest people hired will be the first ones to be let go. People over 50 are more protected usually. Not sure how old you are, but I assume you're younger than that.

If you pay for rent, start charging your babysitting time. You're not family just when it's convenient to others and to let them take advantage of you. My parents would never make me pay rent. That said, your mother has some guts, because she lives in the ghetto in a tiny home infested by cockroaches and needs money from her daughters to get by, so I'm not sure she's the kind of person who can teach how to handle money or be successful in the work field.

Are you covered with insurance? If you lose your job, can your sister's or mother's insurances be extended to you as a family member living under the same roof? If so, it's not worth moving out for now. Your situation seems precarious.

I have insurance through the Marketplace. Fun fact, if you tell them you lost your job, they cancel your insurance. I found that out the hard way.

I honestly think my mom has an undiagnosed mental illness she's not dealing with. I would do everything I can to help her if I could.

[preraph]

It still just sounds to me like you may be the one contributing the most money.  Does your mom work?  I mean, her share would be 2/3rds because it's her that should pay for the 14 year old's share.  I understand she's cooking and buying groceries.  It's a subsidized housing and it just sounds to me like you're paying most of the rent there.  I may be wrong.  Would she freak out if you moved out?  How would she pay her rent then?  Just curious.

[SweetCharity]

21 minutes ago, justwhoiam said:

Regard making masks, I think if you can devote a couple hours to that every day, you'll be doing something good for your community. After all, you have nothing to do all day long. Don't get lazy.

First of all, I already stated that I wanted to make masks. The problem I have is that people assume I don't want to. That I'm lazy. I suffer from depression. Sometimes I can't even get out of bed. It's a battle everyday to even want to be alive.

And If I don't want to make masks, I am not under any obligation to do so. No one is entitled to my skill set.

This is a stressful time for everyone. I am already doing my part by staying home. I will contribute masks, but not because everyone is on my back.

Edited April 5, 2020 by SweetCharity

[SweetCharity]

4 minutes ago, preraph said:

It still just sounds to me like you may be the one contributing the most money.  Does your mom work?  I mean, her share would be 2/3rds because it's her that should pay for the 14 year old's share.  I understand she's cooking and buying groceries.  It's a subsidized housing and it just sounds to me like you're paying most of the rent there.  I may be wrong.  Would she freak out if you moved out?  How would she pay her rent then?  Just curious.

My mother always finds a way. Honestly I think she wants me out.

[preraph]

Maybe that's why she's charging you that much.  She knows you could spend that much and live somewhere else.  Hmm.  Well, I feel bad for you.  I hate that you are afraid to leave, but do realize that you can live somewhere else and still go over there and visit without having to take all the criticism and pressure of them telling you what to do.  You can go visit and then go about your life.  I would say live nearby, but sounds like you'd be better off in another area.  I am glad you like this job you have and maybe it will turn into more, but it's hard to say because of this pandemic.  Still, if nothing else, it will be a good recommendation for you if they like you.  There's plenty of delivery jobs right now and must parking lot runners and things like that.  It's all risky, though.  And temporary.  

[justwhoiam]

11 minutes ago, SweetCharity said:

I have insurance through the Marketplace. Fun fact, if you tell them you lost your job, they cancel your insurance. I found that out the hard way.

I honestly think my mom has an undiagnosed mental illness she's not dealing with. I would do everything I can to help her if I could.

You didn't answer though. What field are you working in? And how much are you getting monthly while on paid leave?

You can't talk about disability on a wild guess. If she were disabled, she would get money. So basically, she's living off your sister's money and your money. What model of independance can she set for you and your underaged sister? She can barely take care of herself, if as you say she might be disabled and wasn't even diagnosed.

[Ellener]

@SweetCharity oh your family are probably stressed with the situation and acting out even more than usual, lots of people are right now. It's a bit pathetic but probably normal too.

Now is probably not a good time to re-work your relationships with them but when this crisis passes maybe you should consider why your self-image is so wrapped up in what they think, and why you aren't just moving away from the criticism which is the price you pay for the security-blanket of being there?

It clearly isn't helping you recover from depression to be with them.

 

 

[justwhoiam]

12 minutes ago, SweetCharity said:

First of all, I already stated that I wanted to make masks. The problem I have is that people assume I don't want to. That I'm lazy. I suffer from depression. Sometimes I can't even get out of bed. It's a battle everyday to even want to be alive.

And If I don't want to make masks, I am not under any obligation to do so. No one is entitled to my skill set. Why don't YOU make masks? Can you do it? Have you ever had a needle from a sewing machine puncture your finger in the middle of a project, where your nail is broken and bleeding? No?

This is a stressful time for everyone. I am already doing my part by staying home. I will contribute masks, but not because everyone is on my back.

I've assembled kits in the past, when I was younger. Now I have my own business and have less time. But I try to help others in different ways: I support an orphan materially and psychologically. I engage in battles for the town and community I live in (e.g. protecting green areas so that they're not turned into cement). I'm involved in my son's school. I took care of my dying mother. I have a child to take care of who's now home 24/7. I cook, I clean, I do the laundry, do the shopping and everything that's needed.

Antidepression medication and psychotherapy can relieve depressive symptoms. As you said you can't get out of bed at times, that makes me think you're not taking medication nor doing any psychotherapy.

[SweetCharity]

24 minutes ago, justwhoiam said:

You didn't answer though. What field are you working in? And how much are you getting monthly while on paid leave?

You can't talk about disability on a wild guess. If she were disabled, she would get money. So basically, she's living off your sister's money and your money. What model of independance can she set for you and your underaged sister? She can barely take care of herself, if as you say she might be disabled and wasn't even diagnosed.

Retail. I can't really talk about it on social media. 

[preraph]

Retail can be fun.  You meet people.  And sometimes it can lead somewhere. 

[SweetCharity]

3 minutes ago, justwhoiam said:

I've assembled kits in the past, when I was younger. Now I have my own business and have less time. But I try to help others in different ways: I support an orphan materially and psychologically. I engage in battles for the town and community I live in (e.g. protecting green areas so that they're not turned into cement). I'm involved in my son's school. I took care of my dying mother. I have a child to take care of who's now home 24/7. I cook, I clean, I do the laundry, do the shopping and everything that's needed.

Antidepression medication and psychotherapy can relieve depressive symptoms. As you said you can't get out of bed at times, that makes me think you're not taking medication nor doing any psychotherapy.

Once again, you're making a lot of assumptions about me and many things in general. 

Having a disability doesn't mean you're going to get paid. My mother can't recieve disability payments until she's been diagnosed. She's been to several doctors to no avail. 

As for my mental health, medication isn't a cure all. I tried different medications in the past and had severe side effects. Before the pandemic, I was in therapy twice a week. One was individual, while the other was group therapy. 

I don't need your life story but you shouldn't make assumptions and judgments about people without knowing theirs. 

[justwhoiam]

4 minutes ago, SweetCharity said:

Retail. I can't really talk about it on social media. 

Retail won't be able to resist long if the company's not allowed to reopen. Unless your wage is going to be covered by the state or government.

[SweetCharity]

3 minutes ago, preraph said:

Retail can be fun.  You meet people.  And sometimes it can lead somewhere. 

I was approached for a promotion and had just moved to that department, where I was doing rather well. I was going to ask for full time hours until all this happen. 

[SweetCharity]

1 minute ago, justwhoiam said:

Retail won't be able to resist long if the company's not allowed to reopen. Unless your wage is going to be covered by the state or government.

I'm aware.