Blind-Sided Posted April 5, 2020 Share Posted April 5, 2020 Hi All, I wasn't sure where to put this, but since it's a dating kind of question... I thought I would put it here. Here's the deal, I was chatting with my friend, and she told me that her best friend has finally decided to try OLD. (lives in small town, and hasn't found anyone) The issue is, this girl is very timid, shy, and reserved. She is also very petite., at only 5' tall, and maybe 90 lbs. That alone made me worry for her saftey with some of the stories I hear about OLD. Then the subject came up that she only had one BF in college, and they never did anything because he was kind of an A-hole. AND... she was still a virgin. So, she has been chatting with a guy on an OLD app, and she wants to go on a date with him when the COVID thing is clear. At this point they haven't met, and haven't even talked on the phone.. but the subject of sex has come up in txt's. The reason I was brought into this, is because she wanted the perspective from the guy's side. (Should she tell him or not about being a virgin) I told her to not say anything about that until they meet face to face because to some guys... that could be a conquest they want... and since the subject was brought up by him... he very well could just be looking for a "Hook-up" when things get back to normal. I also told her that not all guys are "Nice guys" like me, and may very well just say what they think they need to say, to get into her pants. Her worry is that he would just stop talking because he would think she was a prude. I'm not dating her, or looking to date her, but since she's a friend of a friend... I just have a bad feeling about it. Anyway... what are your thoughts? (Tell him, don't tell him, so on) 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted April 5, 2020 Share Posted April 5, 2020 Woman here. I would not be discussing sex with some guy I'd never met. Period. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Lotsgoingon Posted April 5, 2020 Share Posted April 5, 2020 She doesn't need to tell anyone she's a virgin. That's her business, and if a guy has a problem with that, she ought to kick his behind to the curb. This woman's job is to find people she trusts ... and if a guy freaks out that she's a virgin, then that guy ain't for her. She can make online dating work. She just needs to find people in her social category ... dating players won't work. She just needs to date like the rest of us date. Talk to someone, schedule short meeting, relax, see how you feel during date and afterwards, decide on second date. Rinse and repeat. She needs to move gradually and incrementally and not push herself out of her comfort zone. The right guy will know she's inexperienced and be totally fine with that--the right guy himself might be inexperienced. She needs to feel confident ... and not talk herself into feeling like she has something to apologize for. She doesn't. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
scooby-philly Posted April 5, 2020 Share Posted April 5, 2020 Agreed. And look - even "nice guys" can enjoy sex A LOT. Sometimes a lot more than the a-holes. She should not bring it up until she meets someone, they hit it off, and there's physical things involved. That's the only sure way to weed out anyone with bad, weird, or just stupid ideas/intentions. And that's only on her to share before the fact if she feels she has to. I've been with women who had a number of partners and weren't great at sex - so she doesn't have to worry about performance lol. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Ami1uwant Posted April 5, 2020 Share Posted April 5, 2020 7 hours ago, Blind-Sided said: Hi All, I wasn't sure where to put this, but since it's a dating kind of question... I thought I would put it here. Here's the deal, I was chatting with my friend, and she told me that her best friend has finally decided to try OLD. (lives in small town, and hasn't found anyone) The issue is, this girl is very timid, shy, and reserved. She is also very petite., at only 5' tall, and maybe 90 lbs. That alone made me worry for her saftey with some of the stories I hear about OLD. Then the subject came up that she only had one BF in college, and they never did anything because he was kind of an A-hole. AND... she was still a virgin. So, she has been chatting with a guy on an OLD app, and she wants to go on a date with him when the COVID thing is clear. At this point they haven't met, and haven't even talked on the phone.. but the subject of sex has come up in txt's. The reason I was brought into this, is because she wanted the perspective from the guy's side. (Should she tell him or not about being a virgin) I told her to not say anything about that until they meet face to face because to some guys... that could be a conquest they want... and since the subject was brought up by him... he very well could just be looking for a "Hook-up" when things get back to normal. I also told her that not all guys are "Nice guys" like me, and may very well just say what they think they need to say, to get into her pants. Her worry is that he would just stop talking because he would think she was a prude. I'm not dating her, or looking to date her, but since she's a friend of a friend... I just have a bad feeling about it. Anyway... what are your thoughts? (Tell him, don't tell him, so on) Her history will make things difficult 1dating and relationship inexperience 2 being a virgin and if she wants to wait till marriage will scare other guys off, if not then it will attract peop,e just looking fir a conquest and not a relationship she needs to date and get experience. Why is she in a small town? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mystery4u Posted April 5, 2020 Share Posted April 5, 2020 1. Online dating. 2. Brings up the subject of sex before even meeting up. It's pretty clear what this guys intentions are. 1. alone is 90% of guys looking for one thing. Add 2. to the mix and well... No gentleman looking for something serious would bring up the subject of sex before even meeting. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
SincereOnlineGuy Posted April 6, 2020 Share Posted April 6, 2020 17 hours ago, Blind-Sided said: Hi All, I wasn't sure where to put this, but since it's a dating kind of question... I thought I would put it here. Here's the deal, I was chatting with my friend, and she told me that her best friend has finally decided to try OLD. (lives in small town, and hasn't found anyone) The issue is, this girl is very timid, shy, and reserved. She is also very petite., at only 5' tall, and maybe 90 lbs. That alone made me worry for her saftey with some of the stories I hear about OLD. Then the subject came up that she only had one BF in college, and they never did anything because he was kind of an A-hole. AND... she was still a virgin. So, she has been chatting with a guy on an OLD app, and she wants to go on a date with him when the COVID thing is clear. At this point they haven't met, and haven't even talked on the phone.. but the subject of sex has come up in txt's. The reason I was brought into this, is because she wanted the perspective from the guy's side. (Should she tell him or not about being a virgin) I told her to not say anything about that until they meet face to face because to some guys... that could be a conquest they want... and since the subject was brought up by him... he very well could just be looking for a "Hook-up" when things get back to normal. I also told her that not all guys are "Nice guys" like me, and may very well just say what they think they need to say, to get into her pants. Her worry is that he would just stop talking because he would think she was a prude. I'm not dating her, or looking to date her, but since she's a friend of a friend... I just have a bad feeling about it. Anyway... what are your thoughts? (Tell him, don't tell him, so on) I like your logic... and add to it she "can always tell him, but she can never un-tell him". Although, ultimately, if it gets near on its own, I do endorse informing the partner of one's virginity beforehand. The good catches would attempt to make it as special as possible... and the bad ones suck anyway. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Blind-Sided Posted April 6, 2020 Author Share Posted April 6, 2020 (edited) 16 hours ago, scooby-philly said: Agreed. And look - even "nice guys" can enjoy sex A LOT. Sometimes a lot more than the a-holes. .... Sure. I like it a lot. But someone like me kept it in my pants for over a year after my divorce because it just didn't seem right to use sex as a stress reliever. (mentally couldn't connect even for a FWB situation) But my thought of this (and my friend's worry)... since she is so sweet an innocent... she could find someone that seems nice... but after he gets a little action... he disappears. 15 hours ago, Mystery4u said: .....No gentleman looking for something serious would bring up the subject of sex before even meeting. That was exactly my thought. 5 hours ago, SincereOnlineGuy said: I like your logic... and add to it she "can always tell him, but she can never un-tell him". Yep... great point. 15 hours ago, Ami1uwant said: .... Why is she in a small town? I'm not sure if there is more to that point... but it's because it's where she lives and works. And unfortunately... the dating pool is all the "Hill-Billy" guys she's known since she was a kid. There are some larger towns within a 30 min drive... but she's not the type to go to clubs or bars. Thanks for the input everyone. I'm sure this will be a topic with my friends since all we can do is talk/txt these days. Edited April 6, 2020 by Blind-Sided Link to post Share on other sites
scooby-philly Posted April 6, 2020 Share Posted April 6, 2020 Well OP - if he disappears after a "little action" it has nothing to do with her (or her virginity) - it has to do with him and it would happen regardless. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Foxhall Posted April 6, 2020 Share Posted April 6, 2020 On 4/5/2020 at 12:58 PM, Blind-Sided said: At this point they haven't met, and haven't even talked on the phone.. but the subject of sex has come up in txt's. she would have to be wary of this I would feel, a girl like this might be better meeting someone through a friends introduction, hmmn the perception in general I suppose is that guys are the ones hard done by with online dating, but probably the reality is girls looking for a slow build up and long term relationship have a tougher time. Link to post Share on other sites
rjc149 Posted April 6, 2020 Share Posted April 6, 2020 On 4/5/2020 at 7:58 AM, Blind-Sided said: I'm not dating her, or looking to date her, but since she's a friend of a friend... I just have a bad feeling about it. Riiiiight... a "friend of a friend" -- nothing to do with you at all 😉 A lot of online dating is geared toward more casual flings than serious relationships. Especially apps like Tinder, Bumble, OKCupid, POF etc. I've heard Coffee Meets Bagel is a better app for someone looking for compatibility and substance. Or, one of the paid services. I'm not an expert nor do I have personal experience with each dating app, but OLD isn't OLD across the board. I think your virginal friend might want to look into the less carnal apps out there. But to your question, if a guy is bringing up sex, and/or sexting, before the meeting, he's after sex. Now, a lot of commenters here will malign him for being pig-headed or a pervert or a player etc. and tell her to "block him and move on" but I think it's more honest if someone is being up-front about what they're looking for. There is nothing wrong with seeking sexual gratification. At the end of the day, every guy is looking to 'hook up.' Where 'nice guys' fall short is that they're scared of being honest about it, and use ulterior 'nice guy' behavior to subtly manipulate the girl into having sex with him. If she's looking for more than sexual release, she shouldn't worry about losing this guy's interest, because he's made clear what his interest is. Flush the guy out by telling him. If he disappears, no loss. Personally, I'm not interested in dating virgins or anyone who isn't interested in having sex. If a woman in my dating range (27-35) told me she's a virgin, I will make my exit as politely and compassionately as possible. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Lotsgoingon Posted April 7, 2020 Share Posted April 7, 2020 This guy has raised sex when they haven't met. Cancel him. He ain't the guy for him. Dump him--unless for her own reasons, she's dying to have sex, which I think would be not the best thinking. Let it happen. If she's at all self-conscious in dealing with someone (self-conscious about her virginity) likely, she's got the wrong person. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Blind-Sided Posted April 7, 2020 Author Share Posted April 7, 2020 17 hours ago, rjc149 said: Riiiiight... a "friend of a friend" -- nothing to do with you at all 😉 ...... Personally, I'm not interested in dating virgins or anyone who isn't interested in having sex. If a woman in my dating range (27-35) told me she's a virgin, I will make my exit as politely and compassionately as possible. LOL..... well... I'm dating her friend. And that's why we were talking. OK... maybe I would like a 3-way... but... LOL. Well... to your point... that is her concern. (guys not wanting to date a V) And the problem is she has gotten to an age where she just wants to date someone, and doesn't want to scare that person off. But the real issue is... she is very naïve in how a guy will potentially treat her. She thinks that all guys are OK, and that "No mean No". Her friend has a VERY real concern that she will be mentally scared with an OLD guy. FYI... we were chatting last night some... and we came up with a few guys that she doesn't know, and probably can set her up with after the COVID thing is over. I think that will be the safest way. (Getting her away from OLD) Thanks for the input everyone. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted April 7, 2020 Share Posted April 7, 2020 8 minutes ago, Blind-Sided said: But the real issue is... she is very naïve in how a guy will potentially treat her. She thinks that all guys are OK, and that "No mean No". Her friend has a VERY real concern that she will be mentally scared with an OLD guy. Then tell her she needs to rule out the guys she's never met who are already talking about sex with her. That's all you can really do. You and your lady sound like good friends to this woman, and your intentions are sincere. However, she is an adult and will have to take some accountability for whatever choice she makes in the future. She might make a few wrong steps when she does. She might encounter guys who use her for sex and then bail. All you can do is advise her what to watch out for; the rest is up to her. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mortensorchid Posted April 8, 2020 Share Posted April 8, 2020 While it's not your or anyone else's business, have you ever asked how and why it is she is a virgin at 28? Some have come down on me because I am thinking like a woman at all times and wondering how/why some guys are virgins at an older age. That may be the case for men but not women? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Blind-Sided Posted April 8, 2020 Author Share Posted April 8, 2020 @mortensorchid Yes... I have asked that question. The girl I'm seeing, and her friend have known each other since middle school. She was nice, but never made her self up... and was a bit of a wall flower. So she didn't date at all during HS. Once into college, she was the same way, but did finally have a BF. This guy turned out to be an A-hole. (Didn't treat her well, and pressured her to "Give it up") Because of that... she just didn't date, and took school serious. After college, she started working and moved away from her home town. Since she didn't know people there... and having the "wall flower" mentality... I guess she didn't try to date anyone there. She has recently moved back to her home town, and now works in the financial field, and sits in an office all day. (and just keeps to herself) FYI... the girl I'm seeing wasn't sure if she had ever been physical with anyone... but I guess they talked about it when they started talking about her being on OLD a couple weeks ago. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Blind-Sided Posted May 23, 2020 Author Share Posted May 23, 2020 Since the area I live in has moved to a "Starting to reopen" phase of the Corona... I figured I would give you all an update (end) to this. About a week before when we were able to get out a little, this girl had contacted the guy, and he started to become distant. Not totally ghosting her... but not talking as much as before. My friend and I both said to her... "He was probably just lonely, and was talking to a lot of different girls." The problem is... this girl was only chatting with him, and was hoping it would just evolve into something more. Once we were able to actually move around some, and most stores were reopening... he made several excuses why he couldn't meet. Then yesterday... my GF and I were together, and she started txt'ing. She reached out again and he was txt'ing back about how stressed he was with work. She made a comment about "Do you know how that stress can be managed?" And his response was "SEX". (As I said before, she's a 28yo virgin) At this point, both I and my GF told her to stop talking with him, because it's very clear he is just looking for a hook-up... and she isn't. Oh well... I feel bad for her, since my GF and I feel she has built a relationship in her head just because of 2 months of talking with him. But we are glad she is dropping it before she got hurt too badly. Link to post Share on other sites
miranda561 Posted May 23, 2020 Share Posted May 23, 2020 (edited) On 4/5/2020 at 12:58 PM, Blind-Sided said: Hi All, I wasn't sure where to put this, but since it's a dating kind of question... I thought I would put it here. Here's the deal, I was chatting with my friend, and she told me that her best friend has finally decided to try OLD. (lives in small town, and hasn't found anyone) The issue is, this girl is very timid, shy, and reserved. She is also very petite., at only 5' tall, and maybe 90 lbs. That alone made me worry for her saftey with some of the stories I hear about OLD. Then the subject came up that she only had one BF in college, and they never did anything because he was kind of an A-hole. AND... she was still a virgin. So, she has been chatting with a guy on an OLD app, and she wants to go on a date with him when the COVID thing is clear. At this point they haven't met, and haven't even talked on the phone.. but the subject of sex has come up in txt's. The reason I was brought into this, is because she wanted the perspective from the guy's side. (Should she tell him or not about being a virgin) I told her to not say anything about that until they meet face to face because to some guys... that could be a conquest they want... and since the subject was brought up by him... he very well could just be looking for a "Hook-up" when things get back to normal. I also told her that not all guys are "Nice guys" like me, and may very well just say what they think they need to say, to get into her pants. Her worry is that he would just stop talking because he would think she was a prude. I'm not dating her, or looking to date her, but since she's a friend of a friend... I just have a bad feeling about it. Anyway... what are your thoughts? (Tell him, don't tell him, so on) Why should she care about some random guy not talking to her anymore anyway. Either way she should not disclose that information. And furthermore decide if she wants to engage further with a guy who seems to want one thing Oh i didnt notice the update. I just read the initial post. Looks like she made a good choice in the end. 😁 Edited May 23, 2020 by miranda561 Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts