Should I confront guy who is having relationship with my wife

[tiredandsad]

I have posted before about this guy who has been after my wife. I finally installed a few programs and found out that there is more to the story than I thought. They have had many good times with each other and they realy miss each other.

 

I did confront my wife last week, and she has assured me that their relationship has been nothing but having coffee, and not much else is going on. I could not tell her that I know more because of my spying on her. But last week she said that it is over and it is just having coffee every once in a while with each other.

 

Today, I read in their IM (Instant Messaging) that they miss each other and all the good times they had. They hang out at this place to see if they can see each other. I did tell her that I can not make her not to see him for she is smart and old enough to make her own decisions. When he asked her what they can do? She responded to him that, I did not ask her not to see him any more, and it is ok for them to go on.

 

He keeps asking her to see her and go to their hangout and so they can see each other. I am pissed more than ever. I am about to explode. As I said before, I have 2 kids (8 & 4) and this is going to be very hard on them. I deserve a better life too and Although I do not want this for my kids, but I can not live like this and be bitter around them.

 

I am going to set up an appointment with a therapist, and see where it goes. Even if I ask her to stop this relationship, she will still have feelings for him, and this I can not have in my marriage.

 

Is my marriage over? I can not trust her anymore. I hate this life. I can not think of any bad thing in my life to deserve this. I know I need help, but it realy hhhuuuurrrttttssss.

[LucreziaBorgia]

Does the guy have a wife or girlfriend? N/M - I saw in another thread that he does. There is only one way to end this, since your wife refuses to and that is to expose this emotional affair to his wife. Let her take care of her end of things. Once she finds out, chances are this guy won't be able to have as much "free time" to spend with your wife.

 

Print out all IM's and any other evidence you have. Call this guy's wife and arrange to meet her to hand her this evidence. Then you two talk about busting this down.

 

Even if I ask her to stop this relationship, she will still have feelings for him,

 

One thing you will need to understand is that she does have feelings for him, and will continue to do so for as long as you let this go on between them. Exposing the affair will effectively blow the fantasy right out of the water, and those 'feelings' cannot be nurtured in the environment of exposure.

 

You will definitely want to bring this up in counseling, along with every bit of evidence you have on this affair.

[Maria46]

Am sorry you are having to go thru this.

 

I can't say if your marriage is over...only the two of you can decide that.

 

Even if I ask her to stop this relationship, she will still have feelings for him, and this I can not have in my marriage.

 

So true... she has to decide to stop.

 

I would definitely confront her about what you know and let her know how you feel about it.

 

Seeing a therapist is a good idea. Hopefully, she may see what her behavior is doing and she will join you.

 

Am hoping the best for you.

[slubberdegullion]

First things first.

 

You're a guy, so stay logical.

 

Don't say anything to her. Not a thing. Yes, it will be difficult, but you must remain nonchalant about the whole thing.

 

Don't explode. Take the dog for a walk. Masturbate. Go for a swim. Do whatever you need to do to release some tension. (No, I'm not kidding about the masturbate comment either.)

 

Don't confront the other dude, at least not yet. Get your facts straight first. Print out the logged conversations and keep them in a safe place. Contact a lawyer and have her keep a copy of all the documents. (Note: If possible, get a female lawyer. They're less inclined to be "nice" about stuff.)

 

Start transferring money out of your account and into an account to which only you have access. If you have shared investments, start making arrangements to have them transferred into your name only. Your lawyer can help you with this.

 

Once you are satisfied that she isn't able to abscond with every penny of yours, arrange a meeting with both of you with your newfound lawyer, and ensure the kids are with a trusted friend or relative. Make up an excuse... like, say, you have to get a new will drawn up or something, or you've just inheirited some money and the lawyer has papers for both of you to sign.

 

Once there, drop the bomb hard.

 

Why all the cloak and dagger stuff?

 

It's not a marriage any more. It's war.

 

I speak from bitter, impoverished experience here.

 

Even if you take nothing else from this note, G E T A L A W Y E R. Today.

[Bryanp]

I agree with the previous poster. You need to contact a lawyer to understand your options. She continues to lie to you and now is telling this guy it is acceptable for them to continue to meet behind your back. No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change. She feels comfortable to at least emotionally cheat on you and to lie to you because she feels you are down deep accepting and fearful of putting any boundaries on her. The fact that she continues to see this guy and lie to you indicates she has no fear of you walking away. I think when she realizes that you are serious and seeing a lawyer she will fall apart and beg you to stay. I suggest you read the book Love Must Be Tough by James Dobson. The bottom line is that she is making you look like a fool and seemingly dosen't care how humiliating and painful it is for you. Her actions indicate that she does not respect you so it is time for you to respect yourself. I wish you luck.

[hooghie]

 

It's not a marriage any more. It's war.

 

Even if you take nothing else from this note, G E T A L A W Y E R. Today.

 

 

I agree with slubberdellion because I can't be with someone once they have crossed the line with another woman and I really don't understand how people can. BUT- a lot of people seem to be able to get their marriage back or at least try to. I'm not really sure if anyone can get over it.

 

If you want to try and work it out-see if there is any hope, but DO GET A LAWYER and transfer some cash into another account just in case.

 

Good luck.