Ex with a really bizarre behavior.

[ElaineGracex]

My ex and I started as friends, he then realized he wanted me as more than a friend and pursued me for a year. I had met him online as we game together frequently and had met him a lot of times as friends.

When he asked me out he didn't mind our age difference (5 years) and I had considered LDR to be possible since he has the resources to make it happen and I have a stable Income as well, and we were not even that far apart. From the start, we knew our goal was to get married and often times he would start the marriage talk. I had also planned to move to his city to close the gap.

Fast forward 1 year later, he broke up with me out of the blue. I had just visited him a month before and he had confessed that he's having difficulties with the distance, however I asked him if he would like to continue fighting for this relationship and he said yes. We had also agreed that I'd start looking for a job in his city as soon as possible, so i was actually in the middle of securing a job there.

I know people change and all-- and he might realized that he wanted something else at that point, which is no problem. I accepted the breakup gracefully and i thought it was somewhat amicable, and we decided to give me space to heal. However within 7 hours after the breakup call (which happened at 2 am) he had started to text me like nothing happened, and actually talked the way when we were still together. In his words, he thought we could still talk 'like usual'. I'd then have to remind him that we just broke up and that I needed space to heal, and he'd say sorry, disappear, only to reappear a day later. He would also call and text me obsessively until I had enough of his indecisiveness and asked what he wanted out of me.

Back to the breakup, he actually didn't specify any reason for the breakup however I had assumed it was due to the distance since he changed his mind and didn't want me to uproot my life to move to his city. Now he's giving me excuses saying that he didn't want to be a burden to me, that he felt guilty not being able to spend his time with me, and some other bs excuses. I was never a clingy person and have never pressured him to spend time with me since I understood we're adults and we're pursuing our own goals. Silly me thought he was just stressed from overwork, so I asked him back because I wanted to support him which he rejected.

 We went back to him texting me, me asking for space and him saying sorry only to text me again and then I finally had enough. I called him to inform him that I'd have to block him for now so that both of us can heal, but he started begging me to take him back. I did. 

After I took him back things just started to went downhill. He had expressed that he's touched that I'd fight that hard for him and promised to put in more effort towards our future, but at the same he felt like it was too easy to get me back (my mistake). He started to take me for granted then, started to treat me like an enemy and all of those signs of losing interest. I had asked him if he wanted this, but he'd always assured me that he loved me.

However, later I found out that he had told a friend of his that he had actually lose all of his feelings towards me and that it didn't feel good to be in this relationship anymore. At the same time he expressed his love to me regularly and tried to make it look like he cared for me, which is why he's afraid of wasting my time and other bulls***. I had sensed the incoming doom and wasn't that surprised anymore when he dumped me 3 months later, I just agreed to it and went NC right away.

This time he left me alone for 2 weeks, only to came back later to be 'friends' almost in a demanding way. Kindly, I informed him that I needed space to heal for now and would be open to be his friend after I have healed however he would disregard my boundaries and would insist on texting me. He told me I didn't even have to reply as long as I read what he sent me. He'd then continue to text me 5 days a week, mostly asking for attention. He'd tell me that he's sick, having difficulties with work, with college, that he flunked his examinations, etc but he'd also shows concern and remind me to take care of my health. After almost 2 months of this I have finally had enough and blocked him for good and ignored his attempts using prepaid messages.

I was finally in bliss-- until his friend reached out a month later and asked me why is he posting pictures with another woman. Turns out ex is in a new relationship and is posting it all over his stories, however had it hidden from me. Now I was furious because all these time he begged me to be friends he was actually in a relationship with this woman, and might even started talking to her when he was still with me/right after our breakup. Upon finding this out I had cut him out everywhere-- and now he's angry because I 'ditched' him. I'm the bad guy because I decided I don't want him in my life anymore and that I hurt him a lot (from rejecting his attempts to be friends). I'm utterly confused. I'm sorry if this is too long but I needed your opinion on this matter.

Side note: Upon finding out that I've cut him out, he attempted to message me asking if me and my family are doing okay during this pandemic. I told him not to be concerned of me at all, to respect his current gf and stop texting me. 

Edited April 6, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[ExpatInItaly]

He wanted to keep you warm until he knew if his new relationship was going to work out. He's still doing it. 

This guy is a total clown, OP. Block him everywhere, and don't respond if he somehow manages to reach you. He's not a good person. 

[preraph]

It's clear to me that all he really wanted with you was to be non-real online friends to pass the time.  He totally cooled off after you met.  Then he just wanted to go back to passing the time online with you.  He has no regard for YOUR needs or heartache.  He may have had that girlfriend all along, who knows, but I'm having trouble seeing him even committing to any relationship.  Thing is, he cooled off after you met that last time.  Conditions were not right.  It's easy to "play house" online so he can sit there and fantasize (and you too), but it's not real unless you can be together and get along and maintain attraction in person.  Sorry.  Best to forget about this whisp of smoke and just move on and ONLY date local!

[LunadelToro]

Sorry OP, but he's a joke!

[ElaineGracex]

10 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

He wanted to keep you warm until he knew if his new relationship was going to work out. He's still doing it. 

This guy is a total clown, OP. Block him everywhere, and don't respond if he somehow manages to reach you. He's not a good person. 

I actually knew him for 3 years in total, and I knew how much he cared for his friends.. He doesn't like saying goodbye at all.

I know he cared for me as a friend, and wasn't willing to lose me but still, it was selfish of him to totally disregard my feelings. He clearly knew I was hurting. 

[ElaineGracex]

13 minutes ago, preraph said:

It's clear to me that all he really wanted with you was to be non-real online friends to pass the time.  He totally cooled off after you met.  Then he just wanted to go back to passing the time online with you.  He has no regard for YOUR needs or heartache.  He may have had that girlfriend all along, who knows, but I'm having trouble seeing him even committing to any relationship.  Thing is, he cooled off after you met that last time.  Conditions were not right.  It's easy to "play house" online so he can sit there and fantasize (and you too), but it's not real unless you can be together and get along and maintain attraction in person.  Sorry.  Best to forget about this whisp of smoke and just move on and ONLY date local!

True, which I will have no problem at all, until he disregarded my feelings. He was actually in a long term relationship before me (4 years) and he seemed mature, I totally didn't expect it to turn out this way. He might have been emotionally cheating me yes, since when he broke up with me he said he needed someone closer and that he didn't want to cheat on me.

Actually LDRs are common in my country since we are consisted of many islands and we're right next by each other. I'm highly aware of the risks that comes with it, but it wasn't cool that he treated me THAT way. I think he realized that he didn't want to commit right now and that he needed someone who would be more convenient for him. 

[ElaineGracex]

13 minutes ago, LunadelToro said:

Sorry OP, but he's a joke!

I guess so, this sucks.

[preraph]

10 minutes ago, ElaineGracex said:

True, which I will have no problem at all, until he disregarded my feelings. He was actually in a long term relationship before me (4 years) and he seemed mature, I totally didn't expect it to turn out this way. He might have been emotionally cheating me yes, since when he broke up with me he said he needed someone closer and that he didn't want to cheat on me.

Actually LDRs are common in my country since we are consisted of many islands and we're right next by each other. I'm highly aware of the risks that comes with it, but it wasn't cool that he treated me THAT way. I think he realized that he didn't want to commit right now and that he needed someone who would be more convenient for him. 

Yeah, from what I've seen, men can't stay focused on a woman who they can't touch.  Honestly.  I see what you mean about the islands, though.  

[TeddyBundy1993]

Me ex is same. We were long distance. She left for another man is pregnant with his kid still texts despite me asking her to leave me alone. If you ask me this he still texting you is a sign of some feeling still left inside of him for you. As of now he has cooled off with his shiny love which will doom soon he has left you alone  this guy is waste of time and not looking to be in a serious relationship.  You did well by asking space, he asked you to be out of his life by breaking up. You give him that. Give him darkness whenever he comes to you total ignorance 

Good luck 

[ElaineGracex]

45 minutes ago, preraph said:

Yeah, from what I've seen, men can't stay focused on a woman who they can't touch.  Honestly.  I see what you mean about the islands, though.  

They will make it work if they want it badly enough. My ex is a kid with commitment issues 

[ElaineGracex]

25 minutes ago, TeddyBundy1993 said:

Me ex is same. We were long distance. She left for another man is pregnant with his kid still texts despite me asking her to leave me alone. If you ask me this he still texting you is a sign of some feeling still left inside of him for you. As of now he has cooled off with his shiny love which will doom soon he has left you alone  this guy is waste of time and not looking to be in a serious relationship.  You did well by asking space, he asked you to be out of his life by breaking up. You give him that. Give him darkness whenever he comes to you total ignorance 

Good luck 

He had lost his feelings for me so  he had the chance to move on. Do you think he still have some feelings towards me or it was just him having trouble to cut his attachment?

[TeddyBundy1993]

 I believe he had some feeling left.  Otherwise cutting attachment isnt a difficult thing. It automatically cut itself.  One morning you get up stay up with your routine and you'd realize that you didnt thinked about your ex even once. You know dont waste your time and energy knowing why he chased you for a while. Bottom line is he proved himself to be unstable partner. You get a  better one, heal first take time get this douchebag outside your system and you'll be more happy with someone else than you were with him

[Mystery4u]

He is very selfish. His actions show he doesn't care one bit about you anymore, it's all about what he wants.

Time to delete him from your life completely. Block everything, numbers, social media etc. If he or his friend somehow manages to contact you, do not reply. If he keeps harassing you report it to the police.

I was in a slightly similar situation in that I broke up with my LDR ex as I wasn't 100% happy in the relationship and did not want her to uproot her whole life to move to me. After I did not contact her at all to give her time to heal even if I wanted to. Unfortunately this guy still has a lot of growing up and maturing to do to learn sometimes you have to put other people's feelings before your own.

[kendahke]

3 hours ago, ElaineGracex said:

I know he cared for me as a friend, and wasn't willing to lose me but still, it was selfish of him to totally disregard my feelings. He clearly knew I was hurting. 

True and actual friends don't treat their friends the way he treated you, though...

[stillafool]

4 hours ago, ElaineGracex said:

Back to the breakup, he actually didn't specify any reason for the breakup however I had assumed it was due to the distance

I've never heard of anyone getting dumped without asking why.

4 hours ago, ElaineGracex said:

After almost 2 months of this I have finally had enough and blocked him for good and ignored his attempts using prepaid messages.

So you blocked him here and then unblocked him again?

 

4 hours ago, ElaineGracex said:

Upon finding this out I had cut him out everywhere--

So you blocked him again?  This time don't unblock him.  For future reference, when a man breaks up with you they have another woman waiting for them or one they want to get to know.  This time block him for good.

[ElaineGracex]

8 hours ago, TeddyBundy1993 said:

 I believe he had some feeling left.  Otherwise cutting attachment isnt a difficult thing. It automatically cut itself.  One morning you get up stay up with your routine and you'd realize that you didnt thinked about your ex even once. You know dont waste your time and energy knowing why he chased you for a while. Bottom line is he proved himself to be unstable partner. You get a  better one, heal first take time get this douchebag outside your system and you'll be more happy with someone else than you were with him

You’re right, it also doesn’t matter whether he still had some feelings left or not since obviously it wasn’t even enough for him to want to work it out. Thank you kind sir :)

[ElaineGracex]

8 hours ago, Mystery4u said:

He is very selfish. His actions show he doesn't care one bit about you anymore, it's all about what he wants.

Time to delete him from your life completely. Block everything, numbers, social media etc. If he or his friend somehow manages to contact you, do not reply. If he keeps harassing you report it to the police.

I was in a slightly similar situation in that I broke up with my LDR ex as I wasn't 100% happy in the relationship and did not want her to uproot her whole life to move to me. After I did not contact her at all to give her time to heal even if I wanted to. Unfortunately this guy still has a lot of growing up and maturing to do to learn sometimes you have to put other people's feelings before your own.

This is 100% right, he is very selfish and immature but he isn’t necessarily evil. I also believe he has good intentions even though it also came from a selfish place. He is simply lacking the experience and emotional maturity to deal with this situation.

Yes, i have blocked him off everywhere now. It also seems like he’s finally backing away ever since I told him to respect his current gf. When he was with me, he’d also be still in touch with his ex and I know exactly how that feels. I’m not gonna be that kind of ex.

[ElaineGracex]

6 hours ago, kendahke said:

True and actual friends don't treat their friends the way he treated you, though...

He couldn’t underdtand why I needed time to heal, because he could be friends right away. And he couldn’t understand why I can’t be his friend because, in his words, I was and always have been his best friend. Suffice to say he’s still lacking empathy towards other people.

[stillafool]

That is selfish of him.  Dumpers want to remain friends because they have detached romantically so they stupidly think that you have too so they want to go back to being friends. Good for you by not accepting it.

[ElaineGracex]

54 minutes ago, stillafool said:

That is selfish of him.  Dumpers want to remain friends because they have detached romantically so they stupidly think that you have too so they want to go back to being friends. Good for you by not accepting it.

We had a talk about this after I took him back the first time. I explained to him that I’d be too hurt to be friends right away, and would be needing time to heal. He threw tantrums saying that he could never lose me, and that all he could think about is that he want to talk to me. He then made a rule that he would leave me alone for a month if we break up again.

After the second break up I took a break from most of my social media, and he knew that was because I was hurting. He reached out after two weeks asking how I was, and I replied with a close-ended response that I was well and wished that he is well too. He started telling me how he’s been sick for days and that he’s having problems in life. He did this after the first break up too, which I assumed is an attempt to get into my soft side and get me to talk to him. He’d then continue to text me telling me how he’s going on holidays, how he failed an important text, how hard he is having it at work, basically wanting emotional closeness that I have always provided. The funny thing is, after I took him back the first time he almost never had any free time to talk to me. We basically never had any conversation at all for 3 months, but now that he dumped me he suddenly wanted to talk to me all the time. Why is that?

[ElaineGracex]

He’d also send me his pictures, his parents holiday pictures even though I didn’t ask for it. He’d also try to bring me down the memories lane by bringing up our adventures together. I feel as if he was trying to make me feel close to him as before, that he wanted the same emotional intimacy we had before but now under the guise of being friends.

[stillafool]

27 minutes ago, ElaineGracex said:

I feel as if he was trying to make me feel close to him as before, that he wanted the same emotional intimacy we had before but now under the guise of being friends.

That's exactly what he wants.  I've been there where an ex would try to keep in touch because he liked my advice, company and to tell me about the good things happening in his life; as if we were now best friends.  I changed my phone numbers so he could no longer reach me.  I feel he lost that support when he lost me.

[kendahke]

10 hours ago, ElaineGracex said:

He couldn’t underdtand why I needed time to heal, because he could be friends right away. And he couldn’t understand why I can’t be his friend because, in his words, I was and always have been his best friend. Suffice to say he’s still lacking empathy towards other people.

Go on IG and look at #awardsforgoodboys--see if you don't see him in there.

he wants to keep you as his friend to use you to help him get over his feelings of self-loathing for doing to you and treating you the way he did. He's basically using you as an emotional tampon.

Edited April 7, 2020 by kendahke

[kendahke]

1 hour ago, ElaineGracex said:

He threw tantrums saying that he could never lose me, and that all he could think about is that he want to talk to me. He then made a rule that he would leave me alone for a month if we break up again.

See, none of this is up to him--that's what you're not getting.  He doesn't get to dictate to you what you need to heal and move on. The minute he decided he didn't want to be your boyfriend anymore, he lost all the boyfriend perks, including the one where you place either your person or you feelings in close proximity to him.

Put him on block and let him go be sad with his new girlfriend. That's his new best friend now. Stop trying to help him out for dumping you.  Friends don't treat their friends like this.

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The funny thing is, after I took him back the first time he almost never had any free time to talk to me. We basically never had any conversation at all for 3 months, but now that he dumped me he suddenly wanted to talk to me all the time. Why is that?

When you take him back, he punishes you for putting the distance in place.  He only wants to talk to you again so badly so he can start his punishment campaign.

Edited April 7, 2020 by kendahke

[ElaineGracex]

3 hours ago, stillafool said:

That's exactly what he wants.  I've been there where an ex would try to keep in touch because he liked my advice, company and to tell me about the good things happening in his life; as if we were now best friends.  I changed my phone numbers so he could no longer reach me.  I feel he lost that support when he lost me.

True, and he couldn't understand why we can't be friends. It's funny because I was the one dumped and he was the one who feel hurt. They made that choice, they should be staying out of our life.