Viewed Router (Internet) Browsing History for House. Girlfriend Furious?

[Physx]

Ok, so really  long story short, I have been with someone for a couple months now.  We have pretty much lived together since we started dating.  My life is an open book.  I tell her EVERYTHING.  As such, she has full access to my phone, computer, etc.

With that said, I was recently browsing the web on my computer while she was asleep.  I had too much to drink, and wanted to try to see if I could pull something off - view the household router's browsing history (which includes everyone's in the house).  Currently, it is primarily her two boys, her, and me full time.  My boys and my daughter are in the process of transitioning as well.  Figured I'd look out for all the kids.

So, figured out how to do it.  Can't remember exactly how, but I did it.  Saw something on my girlfriend's browsing history that really upset me (she wasn't honest about something she browsed since we've been together). 

I didn't know how to deal with it.  I knew she'd be angry with me about it, but I can't hide things from the person I love.  So, I told her I knew about what she browsed, explained how I knew, and now, she is furious with me.  She feels it was an invasion of her privacy (even though we are supposed to be open with each other about everything) and an invasion of her children.

I meant well.  I mean to protect our children.  I trusted her.  I never even expected to look in on hers.  All I wanted to do was figure out how to do it, write down how to, and then share that with her to protect our kids.  Instead, she is furious over it and threatening to end the relationship.

I see things much differently than most people.  I don't have "privacy" from the person I love.  I don't hide things from the person I love.  Because of that, I didn't consider that she doesn't feel the same way.  I didn't expect her to react like this.  I figured we would talk about what it was she looked at that wasn't honest, resolve it, and move on.  Now, I am looking at losing her, all because I was naive about boundaries.

If anyone has any feedback, suggestions, advice, I am all ears.  Again, I meant well here, but I know she doesn't feel that way.  I don't know what to do or say.

[preraph]

Privacy is a very tricky thing. For example, a friend of mine some years ago, I found out she had given her email password to this weird guy friend of hers. she was always real stupid about computers and she thinks he's some sort of genius but he's not. but she was stupid enough to give him her password and then not change it back and let him work on her computer. He is interested in her so of course he's going to be reading all her email. 

 

I was really pissed when I found out about it because I had been writng her about very personal things in my life that I would never want anyone else to be privy to. That's an invasion of my privacy because of her carelessness and stupidity. 

Women sometimes talk about just about everything with their women friends, and like a diary, it is never meant for anyone else to hear. I think honestly that most men would be upset about how much girlfriends share with each other. But that's not justified as long as those friends are good guardians of the information and don't abuse it in some way. 

 

So no one wants to hear that someone has been looking at their personal stuff. I realize with kids you have to protect them on the Internet. I also know that nothing made me just like my mother more than finding out she would go through and try to read private letters that I got from people. I just hated her for that. 

 

So you're treading on some dangerous ground here. I don't know what you think you found out, but you better give serious consideration to whether it's worth all this or not. 

 

It's easy as a man to say you're open and aboveboard about everything, but women are often sharing a lot more than most men do who just don't seem to be as communicative with their buddies as women are, as intimate. 

 

 

[Interstellar]

You’re mistaking openness for honesty. You bought in to society’s brainwashing. Now you’re dealing with the consequences of your openness.

It’s good to be honest but being open with everything in your life also takes the mystery out of the equation.

Ultimately, you become boring.

You did invade her privacy, and of course she doesn’t see it your way. Now if she’s cheating and you want solid evidence that’s a different story. So she’s pissed.

 

Edited April 7, 2020 by Interstellar

[Ellener]

1 hour ago, Physx said:

I meant well. 

not really, you were drunk and looking to 'pull off' something clever and incriminating for some reason. I'd be annoyed too, my life is generally an open book but I decide what and when to share it with others, and as for interfering with the kids' privacy- no. 

[Mystery4u]

Really, you wrote the whole story, ask for advice, and don't say what it was that she was looking at???

C'mon don't just leave us in suspense, what was it?

[Mrin]

2 hours ago, Mystery4u said:

Really, you wrote the whole story, ask for advice, and don't say what it was that she was looking at???

C'mon don't just leave us in suspense, what was it?

Agreed. If it was pornhub that's one thing. If it was Ashley Madison that's another. Spill the beans. 

[balletomane]

OP, if you want to protect children, you install some parental controls and have honest, open conversations about the risks of the Internet and how to enjoy it safely.

Sneaking around like that is a way to destroy trust with everyone in the household.

[kendahke]

Why not ask her before you did it? I mean if right was on you side and all...

You were being deceitful--and that's what she's balking at.  Now you're trying to frame it as you were being the good guy--if you really were, you'd have waited until she was awake--or at the very least, go in and wake her up to tell her what you wanted to do and why. But as it stands, you were spying on her and her children and you did it behind her back.

If you had issues with anything she does online, why not address it with her instead of spying on her?  I'd be pissed off, too.

Edited April 7, 2020 by kendahke

[ExpatInItaly]

She knows what you were doing, OP. It's completely useless to tell her you did it to protect the kids; you both know that isn't true.

If you two were so concerned about your kids, what the heck are you all doing living together after just a couple months? That isn't in the kids' best interest, either, so your argument about protecting the kids doesn't hold a lot of weight, man. 

Anyway, what was it you found that upset you so much? 

[Gr8fuln2020]

Sorry, but need to agree with most here. 

1. You did invade your privacy though it was in your rights to do so. She is using your private infrastructure, so she cannot LEGALLY claim any right to privacy. But we are not talking about legal issues, are we? 

2. You were deliberate about what you were doing. You were not drunk enough to pretend you didn't know what you were doing. You knew exactly what you were doing. 

3. You didn't trust her before and now you trust her less. Otherwise, you wouldn't have started down that rabbit hole in the first place.

4. Let's say you were genuinely interested in knowing how to find the browsing history, why not of your kids and stop there. Why proceed to your gf's? See #3. 

 

[Gr8fuln2020]

49 minutes ago, Gr8fuln2020 said:

Sorry, but need to agree with most here. 

1. You did invade your privacy though it was in your rights to do so. She is using your private infrastructure, so she cannot LEGALLY claim any right to privacy. But we are not talking about legal issues, are we? 

2. You were deliberate about what you were doing. You were not drunk enough to pretend you didn't know what you were doing. You knew exactly what you were doing. 

3. You didn't trust her before and now you trust her less. Otherwise, you wouldn't have started down that rabbit hole in the first place.

4. Let's say you were genuinely interested in knowing how to find the browsing history, why not of your kids and stop there. Why proceed to your gf's? See #3. 

 

DANG IT. Meant 'You did invade HER privacy...."

[smackie9]

I don't blame her for wanting to end it. It's a sign that you don't trust and you are insecure, you just put it under a different pretext. You are not compatible because you both are waaaay too far apart on your belief system. Let her go.

[ChatroomHero]

3 hours ago, smackie9 said:

I don't blame her for wanting to end it. It's a sign that you don't trust and you are insecure, you just put it under a different pretext. You are not compatible because you both are waaaay too far apart on your belief system. Let her go.

She did deceive him. She lied to him but you think he should have been secure and trust her? 

If I lie to you and give you reason to be insecure, then get mad at you for being insecure, I don't see how it vindicates me if you find the evidence to prove I lied to you in the history of one of your devices. Hell, if I am lying to you and use your internet to do something seedy and you find out in the easily accessible history, just imagine the set of balls I would have to have to try to turn it around on you.

I mean, if your SO was lying to you or cheating, you're saying based on how you find out he may be justified to be mad at you- If you found proof of his lie on your router, then you are the bad guy and he should be mad at you? 

[Ami1uwant]

I have a very different opinion in thus.

 

this happened to me in my marriage.  

 

We we had two computers. A desktop I mostly used and a laptop she used. The laptop had different users snd we each had log one.

 

one night I was on the laptop and something didn’t work right and I knew she sometimes screwed up some settings. When I switch users she password protected the computer.  Not done before.

 

i dig around and find some  thumb drives that revealed things. A week kater was the last time I saw her face to face.

this happen about 13 yrs ago this week.

 

its about trust.  It doesn’t matter how he found it. She did the first thing.

 

 

 

 

[kendahke]

32 minutes ago, ChatroomHero said:

She lied to him but you think he should have been secure and trust her? 

If he knew or felt she would lie, why is he letting a liar sleep in his bed,?

Edited April 8, 2020 by kendahke

[ChatroomHero]

12 minutes ago, kendahke said:

If he knew or felt she would lie, why is he letting a liar sleep in his bed,?

 Suspecting a SO is not telling the truth on something is not all that uncommon and not just a hard end to every relationship. Trust is built over time and not just a couple months of dating and then- Bam! Full trust, 100%!

All I am really saying is if OP posted on here that he had been emailing his ex and his current GF had asked him if he had been in communication with his ex and he posted on here that he lied and told her no, then his GF found his browser history showing that he lied...nobody on here would blame his GF and say she was insecure and has trust issues. They'd call him a dirt bag for wanting to be mad he got caught.

[Cookiesandough]

A lot of  people  have browsed things they don’t want anyone else to know about, even their partner. You’d need some serious PPE to go into my browser history.. I’m glad you realize that your ‘experiment’ was not cool. If you’re fine with all your business out in the open, awesome, but maybe you need to be with someone with the same policy because not everyone wantx the world to know about the homoerotic fan fiction they read or whatever. I mean I dont think this a lying or not thing until we know what it was. Some people don’t even want their partners knowing they go to the bathroom... 

 

Now why dont you tell us what it was

Edited April 8, 2020 by Cookiesandough

[Mystery4u]

44 minutes ago, ChatroomHero said:

Trust is built over time and not just a couple months of dating and then- Bam! Full trust, 100%!

No it's not. You start a relationship with exactly that, full trust 100%. You don't 'build it over time'. Unless your partner gives you a reason to not trust them, you trust them 100% until they show you different.

[Gr8fuln2020]

3 hours ago, ChatroomHero said:

She did deceive him. She lied to him but you think he should have been secure and trust her? 

I, for one, would have a serious conversation about what was found. Did the OP say? If she's still on a dating site, then it's time to end it. Whether she ends it or he does, it should end. He  had his reasons for invading her privacy. She didn't trust her anyway. He obviously was never secure or trusted her. 

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

On 4/6/2020 at 10:03 PM, Physx said:

 I was naive about boundaries.

Naive or purposefully in denial about boundaries?  You two have been dating for a couple of months and you're going all Brady Bunch already?  Seriously, wth?  How old are all the kids in this scenario?

[Ellener]

4 hours ago, Ami1uwant said:

She did the first thing.

 

what thing?!

I am agog...

[spiritedaway2003]

Even if your sense of privacy is different from others (you're an open book to your s/o), you had invaded her privacy.  That's a fact.  FWIW, I have very little to hide and I would be upset if a S/O (or even a friend) had done something like that.  If you are both talking, you can start with an apology for invading her privacy first.  Whatever else you discover, that's another conversation.  It seems that there are some trust issues to begin with in the relationship, and this merely brings it to the forefront.  Good luck.

Edited April 8, 2020 by spiritedaway2003

[Haerts]

I would be pissed off too. Once a guy I was dating for a few months invaded my phone to try to find evidences whether I wanted to be in a relationship with him or not. He found out I was sleeping with others and confronted me about it (?). Of course I had to end it. 

@Physx You are 2 months into a relationship and you think you know everything about your partner? Sometimes people spend decades in a relationship to find out something they didn't know.

The first thing you should do is stop expecting people to be 100% transparent. Because that's not going to happen. I bet you are not even 100% transparent. 

Second, if 2 months in you were already spying (because that's what you were doing, admit it), that screams a) you're VERY insecure; b) you have this need to control what your partner is doing; c) she's been giving you reasons not to trust her. Whatever it is, that means a relationship shouldn't even be happening in the first place.

And third, never, ever, invade someone's privacy no matter what your intentions are. If you feel like you must do it, then you can already spot something is wrong (either with you or your partner).

Don't take someone's trust for granted, because now the question is: can SHE trust you again?

You obviously don't trust her, so I'm not even going to ask.

[ChatroomHero]

11 hours ago, Mystery4u said:

No it's not. You start a relationship with exactly that, full trust 100%. You don't 'build it over time'. Unless your partner gives you a reason to not trust them, you trust them 100% until they show you different.

That's called blind trust. If it's someone you just started dating, you have no real basis to determine if they are trustworthy. I don't know many people if any that walk up to someone like, "Hi. My name is XXX. You are very attractive, I trust you 100%. Do you want to date?". 

Real trust is built over time. How can you fully trust someone you don't really know? Blind trust is foolish and naive.

[simpycurious]

IF there's NO TRUST, then what do you really have with someone when all is said and done.......NOT MUCH.