Viewed Router (Internet) Browsing History for House. Girlfriend Furious?

[poppyfields]

3 hours ago, simpycurious said:

IF there's NO TRUST, then what do you really have with someone when all is said and done.......NOT MUCH.

My sentiments exactly.  The second I start feeling I need to check my bf's browser history or phone, is one second too long in that relationship. 

That's the issue here, not what you discovered or that she didn't share with you. 

You don't trust her, and like simply said, when there's no trust, there's nothing.   

Edited April 8, 2020 by poppyfields

[SummerDreams]

17 hours ago, Ami1uwant said:

i dig around and find some  thumb drives that revealed things.

Just cause you happened to find things it doesn't mean the concept of provacy should stop existing. For every person who invades someone's privacy and finds things there is another person who doesn't find anything so your example is null and void.

[Mystery4u]

10 hours ago, ChatroomHero said:

That's called blind trust. If it's someone you just started dating, you have no real basis to determine if they are trustworthy. I don't know many people if any that walk up to someone like, "Hi. My name is XXX. You are very attractive, I trust you 100%. Do you want to date?". 

Real trust is built over time. How can you fully trust someone you don't really know? Blind trust is foolish and naive.

No, it's called loving yourself and being confident enough that when you start a relationship with someone (who said anything about trusting someone before even being in a relationship with them?) you trust them completely 100%, unless they give you a reason to not to.

If you think that is foolish and naive then you clearly have not had much experience with relationships.

If a woman I'm in a relationship with betrays that trust I give her then that is HER loss because I'm great and I know it.

[ChatroomHero]

47 minutes ago, Mystery4u said:

No, it's called loving yourself and being confident enough that when you start a relationship with someone (who said anything about trusting someone before even being in a relationship with them?) you trust them completely 100%, unless they give you a reason to not to.

If you think that is foolish and naive then you clearly have not had much experience with relationships.

If a woman I'm in a relationship with betrays that trust I give her then that is HER loss because I'm great and I know it.

"that when you start a relationship with someone...you trust them completely 100%"

(who said anything about trusting someone before even being in a relationship with them?) : Ummm, nobody? I said it takes time and it is naive to meet someone, start a relationship and just give them 100% trust. If you have 100% trust in someone just because you started a relationship and you know you are so great, um, good for you?

"Blind trust is foolish and naive." is what I wrote, you reading that as me calling you foolish and naive directly is silly.

[Mystery4u]

33 minutes ago, ChatroomHero said:

"that when you start a relationship with someone...you trust them completely 100%"

(who said anything about trusting someone before even being in a relationship with them?) : Ummm, nobody? I said it takes time and it is naive to meet someone, start a relationship and just give them 100% trust. If you have 100% trust in someone just because you started a relationship and you know you are so great, um, good for you?

"Blind trust is foolish and naive." is what I wrote, you reading that as me calling you foolish and naive directly is silly.

Err what? ""Hi. My name is XXX. You are very attractive, I trust you 100%. Do you want to date?" That's what you posted. You are the one who mentioned trusting someone BEFORE being in a relationship with them, I did not.

Off course you give them 100% trust as soon as you start a relationship. Why would you not? What are you afraid of? That trust being broken? Then I suggest you work on your self esteem and self confidence.

[poppyfields]

I dunno Mystery, not to start a war and perhaps I misunderstood your post (apologies if I did) but I am having trouble wrapping my brain around the notion that women should 100% trust a man she just met and started dating, until he gives her reason not to.

Maybe it’s different for women, cause if women 100% trusted every guy she just started dating, that would mean (as an example) she’d have no qualms about going to his place on the first date, as she TRUSTS he would behave like a gentleman.

NOT always the case Mystery, in fact this is how 75% of date rapes occur.  By woman naively believing the new guy she just started dating is trustworthy and agreeing to go to his.

Another example would be when a new man tells her he’s wanting a relationship (with her), she trusts he's telling her the truth. 

Again, not always the case, as there are plenty of men who will tell a woman what she wants to hear in an attempt to get her into bed.

That's not to say I think women should go into dating believing every guy is out to use her or up to no good, that's not good either!

BUT I do think it’s wise to be cautious and not place 100% trust in a man until she’s spent enough time with him to know, to the best of her ability, that he’s a good honest guy, and that the potential is there for "them" to build an honest trustful relationship "together."

Same for the guy!!  

 

 

Edited April 9, 2020 by poppyfields

[basil67]

@poppyfields I agree with you.  I'm a trusting person and have tended to go in with trust.  But it's a cautious trust.

[Haerts]

5 hours ago, poppyfields said:

I dunno Mystery, not to start a war and perhaps I misunderstood your post (apologies if I did) but I am having trouble wrapping my brain around the notion that women should 100% trust a man she just met and started dating, until he gives her reason not to.

Maybe it’s different for women, cause if women 100% trusted every guy she just started dating, that would mean (as an example) she’d have no qualms about going to his place on the first date, as she TRUSTS he would behave like a gentleman.

NOT always the case Mystery, in fact this is how 75% of date rapes occur.  By woman naively believing the new guy she just started dating is trustworthy and agreeing to go to his.

Another example would be when a new man tells her he’s wanting a relationship (with her), she trusts he's telling her the truth. 

Again, not always the case, as there are plenty of men who will tell a woman what she wants to hear in an attempt to get her into bed.

That's not to say I think women should go into dating believing every guy is out to use her or up to no good, that's not good either!

BUT I do think it’s wise to be cautious and not place 100% trust in a man until she’s spent enough time with him to know, to the best of her ability, that he’s a good honest guy, and that the potential is there for "them" to build an honest trustful relationship "together."

Same for the guy!!  

Couldn't agree more. I love all your posts, the way you think is so similar to mine, but sometimes I don't have the right words to say. hahaha

Anyway, @Physx, any updates regarding your situation with your girlfriend?

[kendahke]

Trust but verify is good policy

[sandylee1]

It's very foolish at best to live with someone after knowing them for 2 months, especially when you have children. 

It's so irresponsible I can't even comment on your snooping the browsing history.  I mean neither of you really know each other well enough. 

 

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

18 minutes ago, sandylee1 said:

It's very foolish at best to live with someone after knowing them for 2 months, especially when you have children. 

It's so irresponsible I can't even comment on your snooping the browsing history.  I mean neither of you really know each other well enough. 

 

Exactly.  

[schlumpy]

On 4/6/2020 at 10:03 PM, Physx said:

Ok, so really  long story short, I have been with someone for a couple months now.  We have pretty much lived together since we started dating.  My life is an open book.  I tell her EVERYTHING.  As such, she has full access to my phone, computer, etc.

So, figured out how to do it.  Can't remember exactly how, but I did it.  Saw something on my girlfriend's browsing history that really upset me (she wasn't honest about something she browsed since we've been together). 

I see things much differently than most people.  I don't have "privacy" from the person I love.  I don't hide things from the person I love.  Because of that, I didn't consider that she doesn't feel the same way.  I didn't expect her to react like this.  I figured we would talk about what it was she looked at that wasn't honest, resolve it, and move on.  Now, I am looking at losing her, all because I was naive about boundaries.
 

Whatever you found out can't be that bad. You didn't hit the door running or pack your stuff up. I'm guessing she was chatting with an old boy friend or maybe some male friends that made you feel insecure?

You made two very bad mistakes.

The first one was confronting her about the issue. You should have taken time to process the information and find out the extent of what you viewed as dishonesty on her part. Instead you let her have it right away so she could go into denial and survival mode and then block you out. She started spinning like a dervish and turned it all back on you.

The second mistake was sharing your information sources. NEVER do that. I know you were proud at how clever you were but it's a very bad idea and only places you in a weak position as you have found out.

I don't know if you can recover from this. She got caught representing herself to you as someone she isn't and is afraid that you will never see her as you did before. The best thing for her may be to drop out of the relationship so she doesn't have to reproach herself. If you do recover, she will likely go deep underground with her activities so as not to upset your happy little view of life and her.

I think you should consider whether she sees you as LTR or just a filler for the gap between real love interests.

 

[poppyfields]

22 hours ago, kendahke said:

Trust but verify is good policy

kendahke, I never heard that, not even sure what it means.  

You trust him/her but you'll snoop regardless to verify he is who he says he is, or if he's cheating or whatever?

I'm confused. 

Edited April 11, 2020 by poppyfields

[FMW]

"Trust but verify".  It's a Russian proverb.  President Reagan used it when discussing nuclear disarmament. 

I'm not sure I would lean on it for this situation though.  i think usually it's used when the stakes of someone lying are really high (financial, health, infidelity) not day to day relationship issues.  But then again the OP hasn't explained what the "browsing" issue was that upset him and I'm not really buying that it was just a fluke that he snooped.  

[kendahke]

On 4/11/2020 at 10:07 AM, poppyfields said:

kendahke, I never heard that, not even sure what it means.  

You trust him/her but you'll snoop regardless to verify he is who he says he is, or if he's cheating or whatever?

I'm confused. 

it means if you have a problem with your partner, ask them to their face about it instead of placing yourself in the position for having to defend yourself for being deceitful by spying and snooping.  If your gut tells you that it's all good or that they're lying, take the appropriate actions.

If you don't trust your gut enough to act upon what it's telling you, then that's something you need to work out within yourself before getting into a new relationship.

Edited April 13, 2020 by kendahke

[poppyfields]

10 minutes ago, kendahke said:

it means if you have a problem with your partner, ask them to their face about it instead of placing yourself in the position for having to defend yourself for being deceitful by spying and snooping.  If your gut tells you that it's all good or that they're lying, take the appropriate actions.

If you don't trust your gut enough to act upon what it's telling you, then that's something you need to work out within yourself before getting into a new relationship.

Ah, okay makes sense!  And agree!  

[Physx]

Sorry it has been a while since I updated on here, but things have been crazy since this situation.  Her and I did split up, and it's definitely for good.  After seeing her true colors, I made the choice to do so.

As far as what I found on her browsing history, it was a lot of things.  The biggest issue was her snooping in on exes Facebook pages.  Exes that were supposed to be long gone and over, yet she was regularly visiting their Facebook pages to see what they were up to.  That may not be a big deal to some people, but to me, that's a HUGE red flag that they aren't ready to move on yet.

And it wasn't even just one ex.  It was THREE different ones.  This tied into another issue I had with her.  She would keep pictures and messages between her and exes.  She claimed it was because she didn't have the time to delete all of them, but that was complete BS (she'd sit around drunk and high all night long just watching TV; had plenty of time, just CHOSE not to). 

Ultimately, this behavior of hers, the viewing exes pages, keeping their pictures (many of which she was kissing or otherwise being affectionate with them), keeping love messages between them, and other ties to her exes was part of a MUCH bigger problem - she is a narcissist.  To her, that was her "collection" she reminisced on.  I had some suspicions that she was a narc before that, but after calling her out on her lies and seeing the hatred come out of her, that was when I knew without a single doubt that she was not only a narcissist, but a malignant one.  The absolute worst type there is.

Since then, I got to witness firsthand why multiple exes of hers tried to warn me (that shouldn't been another red flag, but I wrote it off as bitter exes trying to ruin what she had out of spite).  She has the emotional maturity of a teenager.  There isn't anything left there that I'd *want* to go back to.

Oh, and to add, there were other browsing history issues too.  Not sure why, but she enjoyed porn where it was women.  Claimed she wasn't bi, but she'd masturbate to women.  And she claimed since we were together, she didn't do it. Her browsing history indicated that was a complete lie.  Quite regularly too.  While she would spend 20-30mins in the bathroom "peeing," a lot of that time was her browsing porn, mostly with women and weird stuff.  Whether glory holes, gang bangs, self-masturbation, or something else primarily involving a woman.  And what bothered me the most was her lying about it.  I mean if that's her thing, fine, but the lies were the deal breaker for me.  There was no trust there.

And I completely understand where some of you are coming from as far as what I did being a breach of trust.  I get that.  I truly had no malicious intent.  I'm just an open book, so I sometimes take for granted others aren't.  Like I'm the type where if I'm in the shower and my phone rings, she is welcome to answer it for me.  She was the opposite.  Incompatible.

The situation was part of a much bigger picture though, where I already knew I couldn't trust her.  The browsing history was just part of the confirmation.  But as a narcissist, she would lie even when caught.  She tried to deny all of it, despite the evidence, which just made it worse (gaslighting). 

I appreciate everyone's feedback.  The whole situation was a catch-22.  I did do something that to many, would be seen as an invasion of privacy.  At the same time, I made it clear I wanted a relationship where there wasn't any secrets or lies.  So, I am glad I did it and found out sooner rather than later.

My take away from all this?  Listen to your intuition/instincts.  Everything in me told me right from the start something was "wrong" about this woman.  I wrote it off as me being afraid of getting burned or having trust issues.  It wasn't, it was my warning sign that I overlooked.  If something in you tells you to run, you probably want to listen.

[Ellener]

2 hours ago, Physx said:

The biggest issue was her snooping

That's ironic!

Well I hope you feel better starting over, it is for the best to walk away once you don't like or trust someone.

Good luck.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Well, you've thrown a lot of labels out her with no professional diagnostic basis to back it up, so I think you're both better off.

Next time, steer clear of a woman who has children yet sits around drunk and high all night....

[Physx]

11 hours ago, CautiouslyOptimistic said:

Well, you've thrown a lot of labels out her with no professional diagnostic basis to back it up, so I think you're both better off.

Next time, steer clear of a woman who has children yet sits around drunk and high all night....

Actually, that was an incorrect assumption as far as the professional diagnosis.  Due to a toxic relationship years back, I actually meet with a psychologist regularly.  It had just been a while due to the pandemic, but she made some time for me on the phone a couple days ago.  Explained everything in detail to her.  She has been in the field for over two decades.  The "malignant narcissist" statement I made about my ex was actually verified by her shortly after I made the assumption.  I also have a significant amount of a psychology background myself, but another incorrect assumption on your part that I was coming from an uneducated perspective on the matter. 

Helps to ask people questions about something like that rather than just make allegations towards them.  As an established member, I hope that's not something you make a habit of, as that entire sentence was quite insulting in general, not to mention completely unnecessary.  I find those assumptions quite ironic with the name "CautiouslyOPTIMISTIC."  You sure about that? Just a rhetorical question for future posts.

And yes, the drinking and pot were of course an issue, but one she hid well until about a month into the relationship.  By then, she had already love bombed me and reeled me in.  I even tried to bring the drinking to her attention as an issue, attempting to negotiate a compromise on how often she would drink.  Even asking her to forego drinking one single night per week resulted in a HUGE argument and her drinking more than ever from there on out.  In hindsight, I saw plenty of warning signs before this final breakup.

But anyway, the more I look back, the more I realize it was just trauma bonding on my part and that I was extremely naive overall.  Just another life lesson learned on my part, and I should be grateful I got out when I did before our lives got even more enmeshed.

[Physx]

12 hours ago, Ellener said:

That's ironic!

Well I hope you feel better starting over, it is for the best to walk away once you don't like or trust someone.

Good luck.

Well, I am most certainly glad I snooped, or else I wouldn't have gotten confirmation.  And there is a huge difference between me looking at our household's internet activity (particularly when I was paying the majority of the bills and the internet service was in my name), and her looking into other men she had a history with, don't you think?

But anyway, thanks to an ex who was a compulsive liar, I thought I just had lingering trust issues.  I mean seriously, if someone has some trust issues, you think they should break up with every single person they date purely on a "feeling"?  Until I saw tangible evidence showing I shouldn't trust her, I didn't feel that was reasonable.  I honestly thought it was a problem on my end at first, and actually felt bad not fully trusting her.  Now, I know better, but hindsight is of course 20/20.  However, after a toxic relationship I had a couple years back, I'm not ever going to just immediately trust someone 100% right off the bat.  Trust is earned in my opinion, and there were already multiple stories that weren't matching up prior to this matter.  The context of this thread is only a very small tip of a much bigger iceberg.

Contrary to how it may appear in this thread, I am actually a VERY trusting person initially who looks for the best in people.  It's actually a part of my problem.  I give people so much of a benefit of a doubt at first that I will overlook multiple red flags.  I know I have things I need to work on myself, and I'm taking this time now to do more of that.  By the time this whole issue came up, I already had plenty more than enough red flags to where I should've ran long before this.  But, until I looked back on the texts (and the crystal clear transition from the love bombing phase to the devaluing phase), it was hard to see exactly what was happening.  And I knew her for so long before this that I was blindsided by all of it.  She's a covert malignant narcissist, so outside of dating, she comes off as a very sweet, caring individual.  She plays the part very well the majority of the time, until her stories don't add up.

But anyway, I made my perspective on a relationship clear as far as where my boundaries were, and she originally claimed hers were the same.  So, I didn't overstep any boundaries (that I was made aware of) until she got angry for being caught.  And I can guarantee you, the only reason she was angry is because she got caught in lies and about the whole exes matter.

[Ellener]

@Physx how are the children doing?

[preraph]

I keep a lot of things from my decades-old exes if they make me remember the good parts.  I keep and display photos of all my old friends, people I met, and including boyfriends.  True, I am not married, but someone would just have to understand that that was my crowd and niche and I look back on it fondly.  Doesn't mean I'm still trying to bang ANY of them.  What it means to me is that despite some bad times, I also don't let the bad times be my only memories.  That was my life.  Anyone I would be with would just have to accept my life, and they pretty much did -- and hence, they still earn a place in my hallway.