What should I trust?

[datingvirgin]

Good day all,

I'm a women, I have a guy friend that I know for 2 years now. I usually send him profiles of the guys I’m about to go on date (through dating apps). He knows most people out where I live as we are a close-knit community. Anyway, I matched with another guy recently (on a dating app lets call him Y) and I sent the profile to my guy friend who could only talk great things about Y as he knows him very well.
So anyway, I meet guy Y at my friend’s birthday party, and he comes up to say hello and talk. I talk for a bit and when he asks me a personal question, I instantly excuse myself to get a drink (I was nervous). I don’t come back to talk to him yet because I’m nervous and I need the drink to settle 😊. But by the time I go over, he is talking to someone else. Long story short, I got super drunk and had to go back home in the middle of the party so I couldn’t really talk to him after the other girl he was talking to left.
I wanted to reach out to Y to apologize but my guy friend kept discouraging me. But I did it anyway.
I decided to DM on Instagram, he responded after a month but was nice and said he doesn’t look at Instagram that often. Now I kept bugging my guy friend on why he discouraged me because I genuinely thought that Y might not be into me. My guy friend gets drunk one day and tells me that he is interested in dating me and have been wanting to see where things go. I was shocked to be honest and panicked and said let’s see where things go instead of being 100% honest that I don’t see us dating.
Now I wanted to reach out to Y again to just say thank you (he is an ER nurse) during the Corona virus outbreak for what they do and how they work so we can stay home etc... My guy friend thinks this will look desperate as Y is probably busy with the ER craziness.
I really can't trust my guy friend with this anymore as he is interested in dating me so my question is to all the guys in the community here:

1. Does sending a well wishes DM look desperate amid the Coronavirus pandemic? Remember he is a ER nurse.

2. He replied "Thanks <my name> :)", there was nothing else said like how are you doing etc, does this mean he is not into me?

3. Should I really trust my guy friend when he asks me not to contact Y? 

Again being so new to the whole dating game, I dont quite know how to interpret thing

[smackie9]

 

Here's a tip....guys are truly not your friend, they are orbiters looking for the opportunity to get with you. This friend of yours hangs around with you because he is romantically interested in you and nothing else. Now that the cat is out of the bag, he can no longer be your friend.

You need to own it and apologize to your guy friend for lying to him. Express that you don't have any romantic feelings for him. As for Y It doesn't matter if you believe your friend or not because of the circumstances, if Y was interested in you he would have promptly have asked you out. He hasn't because he's not interested in you.

[datingvirgin]

Thank you, that takes off the burden of guessing. 

Getting drunk at a party isnt something many guys like so I dont blame him

[smackie9]

no if the guy really liked you he would have sought you out at the party and drank with you. I have a lot of experience under my belt...when a guy is really keen on you he doesn't let you out of his sight. Anyways keep looking for mr. right, he's out there somewhere.

Edited April 7, 2020 by smackie9

[datingvirgin]

Well he did initially then he asked a personal question to which my answer was "I need to drink". So I got myself a bit of Alcohol and then all I remember is going back home 

 

Anyway besides the point, if he liked me enough maybe he would have drank with me, I will move on

[Cookiesandough]

Yes most guy friends are ‘orbiters’ , especially ones that will listen to you chatter on about guys you wanna date and give input. Yes, he has been discouraging you because he has a dog in the fight. Do not listen to him about dating advice. It is not desperate to DM him, but I think you should consider that maybe L is not too interested especially considering behavior on the date . But . I have behaved badly w guys and they do tend to give a second chance. I would be sincere to him and explain why you ditched the date. From his end(unless I misread something) you ditched him at the party after he asked you a question. The less you overthink  things the less weird /desperate it is 

Edited April 7, 2020 by Cookiesandough

[simpycurious]

1 hour ago, datingvirgin said:

Well he did initially then he asked a personal question to which my answer was "I need to drink". So I got myself a bit of Alcohol and then all I remember is going back home 

 

Anyway besides the point, if he liked me enough maybe he would have drank with me, I will move on

That's it for me.  If he was interested he would have sought you out.  

[datingvirgin]

21 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said:

Yes most guy friends are ‘orbiters’ , especially ones that will listen to you chatter on about guys you wanna date and give input. Yes, he has been discouraging you because he has a dog in the fight. Do not listen to him about dating advice. It is not desperate to DM him, but I think you should consider that maybe L is not too interested especially considering behavior on the date . But . I have behaved badly w guys and they do tend to give a second chance. I would be sincere to him and explain why you ditched the date. From his end(unless I misread something) you ditched him at the party after he asked you a question. The less you overthink  things the less weird /desperate it is 

Thank you. 

Well it wasnt a date, it was my guy friends birthday party and Y showed up there, I have no idea he was coming! My guy friend didnt tell me that Y was coming to the party, anyway I guess he was just talking to me to get to know me. Regardless I was interested and I DM'ed him on instagram so yes he could have if he wanted to. 

Also I did message him yesterday to day thank you for everything he is doing at the front lines and hope that he is well. Nothing too much, I would have done that to anyone I know in the medical field as doctor/nurse. I dont expect much from him just that he knows that I was thinking of him with the medical professionals on the news. 

His response to me was "Thanks <my name> :)" 

Dont think that shows interest. 

[Cookiesandough]

Oh okay I see. I misunderstood. There  isn’t a great much to respond to your comment but thanks. There is a high chance an interested guy would attempt continue the conversation by asking you something. Is he an outgoing guy? Is he single? 

[Ami1uwant]

I’m a guy...

sure some male friends have interest in you but not all.

I’m i e who has female friends 

as for this guy...he may have known something from this guy you had interest in where he said some negative things about you and was trying to protect you.

1. unlike 30 yrs ago your coworkers are opposite sex and many don’t date coworkers.

2 when you met one was in a relationship so the other respected that and was just friends with you. Sure they may have had some interest at the start but knowing you were involved they’d say no and move on. In later time it’s really hard to start a relationship and can beaekward lime what you saw and went thru. The only time this would happen is if it happened naturally.

 

i believe there is a small  window of opportunity for a relationship  it coukd be shortly after you met like aftersering the person a coup,le tines at social gatherings or the window is when  both we’re available for relationship.

 

3 as they get to know you as a person they may learn more about the other and find out there are too much differences for a relationship to occur. Some examp,Es are (2) thry May an interest in something you can’t dtand (2) wanting kids (3) how religious or differences in it, (4) at different points in life, (5) you must have a dog/cat and thry cant have a pet, (6) you may have different life plans on where you want yo live and fo.

 

 

[Ami1uwant]

1 hour ago, datingvirgin said:

Thank you. 

Well it wasnt a date, it was my guy friends birthday party and Y showed up there, I have no idea he was coming! My guy friend didnt tell me that Y was coming to the party, anyway I guess he was just talking to me to get to know me. Regardless I was interested and I DM'ed him on instagram so yes he could have if he wanted to. 

Also I did message him yesterday to day thank you for everything he is doing at the front lines and hope that he is well. Nothing too much, I would have done that to anyone I know in the medical field as doctor/nurse. I dont expect much from him just that he knows that I was thinking of him with the medical professionals on the news. 

His response to me was "Thanks <my name> :)" 

Dont think that shows interest. 

 

 

As for this guys interest

 

you limely gave him gave him a bad first impression and he was turned off by your drunk behavior

 

If he was interested in you he might not have done it that night given you were drunk but he may have reached out yo you when you sent him a message.  His response was generic.

 

as you saw he talked to other women and is likely dating someone else right now.

[preraph]

that guy you like is too busy working right now to date anyone because they're working them as many hours as they possibly can during the pandemic. 

 

if I were you I would completely stopped trying to communicate with him during this and just see if he has any interest at all and contacts you when it's all over. I think he might have asked you out by now if he was really interested. 

 

You're going to have to be honest with your friend and stop being friends with him or he's going to be and also blocking your opportunities with men and probably if he doesn't have too many ethics, even letting other people think you're his girlfriend which will keep men at Bay.

[Haerts]

If you have no interest on your guy friend, then you have to make that clear. Of course now you can't really continue asking him for dating advices though. You two will have to talk to consider whether continuing your friendship is viable or not.

As for your behaviour in that said party; first, it wasn't a date, so you have nothing to apologize for. Second, take care after yourself so you don't drink too much, but do that because YOU are concerned about your own well being, and not because guy Y or whoever else doesn't like it. Be yourself, do what you enjoy doing and you will naturally attract people who are into the same things as you.

And I agree with @preraph on this. He's going through a busy time in his life and we are all under these crazy circumstances of this pandemic. It's not like you can ask him out on a real date anyway, and there are high chances he won't do that either. All you can do right now is wait and after all of this is over, you can try again. But let me make it clear that based on what you told us here, IMO he's not really interested; I'd give it a last shot tho after things go back to normal.

[Blind-Sided]

16 hours ago, smackie9 said:

 

Here's a tip....guys are truly not your friend, they are orbiters looking for the opportunity to get with you. ........

That's not true at all.  I have several female friends.  These friends have been around a long time, and never once did I think to myself "I need to bone her."  Besides... keeping several female friends around are EXACTLY what got me through my divorce with my sanity in tact. And not to mention... they are been the source for me meeting someone new.  Why would I risk a good friend for a night of pleasure?   And to that point... I know my one friend was mad at her H, and was wanting to go out... I told her point blank... "I refuse to be the Other Man." (Because that's not who I am)

[smackie9]

You are the .002%

[datingvirgin]

18 hours ago, Cookiesandough said:

Oh okay I see. I misunderstood. There  isn’t a great much to respond to your comment but thanks. There is a high chance an interested guy would attempt continue the conversation by asking you something. Is he an outgoing guy? Is he single? 

Not sure, my friend tells me he is talking to another girl and he is not the type to talk to two girls at the same time. A unicorn I tell you!

[preraph]

Which probably means he wouldn't respect you for going after a guy she knows is interested in someone else.  You better cool it and let him take the lead.  

[datingvirgin]

14 hours ago, Haerts said:

If you have no interest on your guy friend, then you have to make that clear. Of course now you can't really continue asking him for dating advices though. You two will have to talk to consider whether continuing your friendship is viable or not.

As for your behaviour in that said party; first, it wasn't a date, so you have nothing to apologize for. Second, take care after yourself so you don't drink too much, but do that because YOU are concerned about your own well being, and not because guy Y or whoever else doesn't like it. Be yourself, do what you enjoy doing and you will naturally attract people who are into the same things as you.

And I agree with @preraph on this. He's going through a busy time in his life and we are all under these crazy circumstances of this pandemic. It's not like you can ask him out on a real date anyway, and there are high chances he won't do that either. All you can do right now is wait and after all of this is over, you can try again. But let me make it clear that based on what you told us here, IMO he's not really interested; I'd give it a last shot tho after things go back to normal.

All this is great!

I wanted to thank you all for the support. I'm new to dating and it has been one of the hardest thing ever and this pandemic isn't making it better. In midst all of this chaos, its amazing to see people support each other without judgement. 

And yes you are right @Haerts I have to come clean with my guy friend. And have to learn to move on. I have a problem with saying no to my guy friend as I know how much I was hurt when Y wasnt interested in me. But you are right If the way I behaved isnt for him then he isnt the man for me. I shouldnt change myself for any guy.

Anyway, I will not pursue this further with Y. There are plenty of men out there if I give them a chance. Back to dating sites

 

 

[stillafool]

42 minutes ago, datingvirgin said:

Not sure, my friend tells me he is talking to another girl and he is not the type to talk to two girls at the same time. A unicorn I tell you!

Not at all.  That is how it's supposed to be.

[chillii]

The one you met doesn't sound too interested and then you went off and got drunk so he;ll think your not interested either anyway. He' probably did say something to your friend too though is my bet so even if friend does have feelings as well l go with he's also protecting you too.

But the friend , nah if l was ever friends with a woman that was because l wasn't interested in more but liked her as a a friend that's why we were just friends , or maybe she wasn't but if that was the case l wouldn't be hanging round then myself. But eh , that's me , often her or him does have feelings though and he or she is maybe quietly hoping , that happened with a few female friends over the years  too.  For me when that came out l felt it best to back away from the friendship , not really fair on her if she had feelings , and it's just uncomfortable.

Edited April 8, 2020 by chillii