Too much contact kills the romance. Still applies during lockdown/quarantine?

[Lovezen_30]

Hi everyone, I've liked a fairly shy guy for a while now. I asked him to spend more time together just us and and he said yes and started coming up with ideas of things to do. But then the virus arrived and we've all been in lockdown for weeks now!

We have talked most days for a fortnight. Long conversations where he has shown lots of curiosity about me. But now I feel the conversation has wound down. I feel less motivation to contact him and less to say because...I have barely any life and I can't go out. The last time we spoke, yesterday morning, I felt as though he was feeling the same.

I don't want to reach burnout before a single date  but i don't want to just let it die either. What do people think?

[preraph]

It's never a good idea to play everything out in a one lump because then what else is there to tell him or vice versa that you haven't already heard?  This is why I think texting is overdone.  You hit the wall relatively soon unless both of you are leading such interesting lives or into such interesting things that you are constantly restimulating yourself and have something new to talk about.  The mystery is gone.  

There's such a thing as too much of a good thing.  

For example, I'm a huge fan of different bands and musicians.  One in particular I found out everything I could about, enjoyed talking about on the internet with other fans, had my own fan board eventually, collected press releases for one member of the band, read everything, was even quoted in an in-depth biography about him.  

 

It was fun at first, meeting people online that way, getting some inside information, etc.  But after a few years, I realized it was too much dissection, like seeing how the sausage was made.  Also, he became too predictable in his old age, both the music and the man.  I closed the fan site down.  I stopped doing searches for new info.  This is one of the great loves of my life, this music.  But there is such a thing as too much familiarity.  I wish I had left him the enigma he was when young, when his music was fresh.  

 

Two other favorite musicians of mine (though not in my top 10), I read their autobiographies and wished I never had!  One simply hated women, made no bones about it.  The other was kind of fake and just lucked into her career.  

I guess the important thing with being a couple is you both either need to like to do things together that stimulate both of you and grow both of you, or you need some time apart to do your own thing.  In a lockdown, well, that's just like being in prison.  It's too much.  You've drank the well dry before you even really went out.  Whatever will you talk about when you do?   I suggest you stop talking right now and tell him why and just touch base once a week.

Edited April 8, 2020 by preraph

[Lovezen_30]

9 minutes ago, preraph said:

It's never a good idea to play everything out in a one lump because then what else is there to tell him or vice versa that you haven't already heard?  This is why I think texting is overdone.  You hit the wall relatively soon unless both of you are leading such interesting lives or into such interesting things that you are constantly restimulating yourself and have something new to talk about.  The mystery is gone.  

There's such a thing as too much of a good thing.  

For example, I'm a huge fan of different bands and musicians.  One in particular I found out everything I could about, enjoyed talking about on the internet with other fans, had my own fan board eventually, collected press releases for one member of the band, read everything, was even quoted in an in-depth biography about him.  

 

It was fun at first, meeting people online that way, getting some inside information, etc.  But after a few years, I realized it was too much dissection, like seeing how the sausage was made.  Also, he became too predictable in his old age, both the music and the man.  I closed the fan site down.  I stopped doing searches for new info.  This is one of the great loves of my life, this music.  But there is such a thing as too much familiarity.  I wish I had left him the enigma he was when young, when his music was fresh.  

 

Two other favorite musicians of mine (though not in my top 10), I read their autobiographies and wished I never had!  One simply hated women, made no bones about it.  The other was kind of fake and just lucked into her career.  

I guess the important thing with being a couple is you both either need to like to do things together that stimulate both of you and grow both of you, or you need some time apart to do your own thing.  In a lockdown, well, that's just like being in prison.  It's too much.  You've drank the well dry before you even really went out.  Whatever will you talk about when you do?   I suggest you stop talking right now and tell him why and just touch base once a week.

Hi preraph! Thanks for your reply. I don't feel we've run out of things to say yet but we're on the way there. Like you say - it's as though we're in prison. So talking to each other is comforting and uplifting. 

But I think I want to reduce the time to about once a week or so. He found some virtual events he thought I'd like. We've both went to a few so that has been fun. There's only so much you can do in this scenario...and it could go on for months yet.

[preraph]

Yeah, concentrate on finding things to share, instead of spilling all your life stories!!

[Erik30]

Yeah I get what you're saying. I started using Tinder again, but I think it might have been a mistake. I was talking to a girl, but after three days I got tired of it. I don't want to be texting someone each and every day for weeks, maybe even months. We were also talking about our first date, but I think I already figured out that we're not a match. (I can keep the conversation going, but we just don't have a lot in common)

It would be nice if you could just say "let's go on a date when everything gets back to normal" and leave it at that, but some people want daily contact, especially now. Since you kind of know this guy, you could try just being honest to him about it. 

[dangerous]

On 4/9/2020 at 12:11 AM, Erik30 said:

Yeah I get what you're saying. I started using Tinder again, but I think it might have been a mistake. I was talking to a girl, but after three days I got tired of it. I don't want to be texting someone each and every day for weeks, maybe even months. We were also talking about our first date, but I think I already figured out that we're not a match. (I can keep the conversation going, but we just don't have a lot in common)

It would be nice if you could just say "let's go on a date when everything gets back to normal" and leave it at that, but some people want daily contact, especially now. Since you kind of know this guy, you could try just being honest to him about it. 

Erik, I think if you don't feel she's a match, then it IS a waste of time. Move on.

To the OP, even though you have a connection, it is too much to text/phone lots every day. You would have moved on to real live dates by now, not talking remotely for weeks. This is a major challenge for all of us online dating. Personally, I think the answer is either to risk it and say something like, "its great that we seem to have a good connection, so lets meet after lockdown, but in the meantime, there's little point in lots of contact" or if it does feel right/interesting then keep up the communication. It's a tricky one though.

[dangerous]

btw, I have myself matched with someone online, who I like, and we've swapped numbers and we've been whatsapping for three days now. lots of fun and agreement to meet, BUT it is a challenge as to how often one should text. For example, I might not  text her until noon for the first time (and I worry that she may think I'm not interested enough to text earlier!) then we might have some good interaction for say half an hour, then I feel I want to get on with something else (eg. eat or watch some TV) so I don't reply for a while. or I just say "I'm off for some food, talk later". And then at night, should I text goodnight? 

There isn't really a perfect formula. I think if I feel like texting, I will, and she will. If there's a delay, then no point in either of us getting impatient, just reach out. If one or the other gets offended then that shows insecurity in that person, and we're not a good match. So far, I'm taking it as it comes. Although if I do feel a little anxious that I'm not showing her I'm genuinely interested, then I just tell her, something nice, like I'm thinking of her, or I enjoyed our earlier chat. I think that's genuine, and it will either be good enough for her, or it won't lol. 

Finally, as we live quite near (20 minutes drive) in a few days I may suggest a walk in the park (social distancing to be observed) just to see if we like eachother in-person. if she's agreeable, then great, and if not, that's fine we'll just keep texting occasionally until after lockdown.

Edited April 13, 2020 by dangerous
clarity