update & confusion-HelP!

[Jana]

I wrote a little while back about my boyfriend and I having some issues with our sex life. Mainly that he was very insecure about the fact that I wasn't louder, etc., more expressive when making love, and he thought that he wasn't pleasing me. Thank you all for your responses. I have an update and some more confusion to be helped with.

 

I love my boyfriend more than words can express, and he knows that, but is so insecure about this issue mainly, that we decided to take a break, basically break up. This is where my confusion comes into play. When I told him how much I loved him, that I wanted him in my future, and that he did please me perfectly, he had this to say: "if you don't know this very minute that i am the one for you, i'm not the one for you. love isn't something you work on, it's intangible and just happens." In return, I told him I loved him, I want him in my future, but I haven't made that soul connection with him yet because he's put up a wall and blocked himself from me emotionally. I told him the "sparks" of love you don't have to work at, but as far as opening up, etc., if you're not good at it, it may take a little patience and work. He wanted to remain friends for the time being, saying he wanted nothing now, but maybe we would emotionally connect better as friends. (I told him that wasn't good enough for me, but I'm going on vacation for a few months, and he also wonders how strong we would be while I was away) To let you all know, I'm one of the most committed people you'd meet, but I'm just not great about expressing how i feel--it's difficult for me to open up, and it just takes me a little bit of time.

 

So, while we've been "friends" he acts more than ever like we are together. He's brought up little innuendos about my quiet love-making style. He makes little jokes when i say, "oh, honey" or something of the like, and says, "i sure never heard that when we were making love." he blows everything off as a joke, but i know it's bugging him, and hurts me because our intimate relationship is sacred ground to me, and not something i ever took lightly. He can't keep from touching me, keeps looking deep into my eyes, and has started to open up to me a little more, but still says he doesn't want anything right now. His friends tell me how much he still loves me, that he is just scared. Any ideas on how to connect with him? He's just gone overboard with these insecurities. . . I know my future is with him, but not if we can't get past this little glitch that he has made such an ordeal of. Help!

[Alex]

Okay Jana, your boyfriend, your man is screaming for attention love, care, and a very pleased and satisfied girlfriend. Coddle his ego, if you love him so much why did you agree to a break up? If you love him so much you will try to become more expressive emotionally, verbally, and physically. COMMUNICATE, Maybe you are the one with the expression problem. I say talk, work it, see if you can get back together, if so become the sex goddess of the world! Try to relax and open your self to him, let him know what pleases you, please him, you take control. Read research, watch pornos, experiment, tell him what pleases you. RELAX AND OPEN YOURSELF TO HIM! Scream, scream, moan, do what your man wants and please him! I wish I had a man who was ready for me, who was ready to give himself completely, my gosh you don't even appreciate what you have. Can you please make love to him, scream moan, tease, please eachother, have wild sex!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I wrote a little while back about my boyfriend and I having some issues with our sex life. Mainly that he was very insecure about the fact that I wasn't louder, etc., more expressive when making love, and he thought that he wasn't pleasing me. Thank you all for your responses. I have an update and some more confusion to be helped with. I love my boyfriend more than words can express, and he knows that, but is so insecure about this issue mainly, that we decided to take a break, basically break up. This is where my confusion comes into play. When I told him how much I loved him, that I wanted him in my future, and that he did please me perfectly, he had this to say: "if you don't know this very minute that i am the one for you, i'm not the one for you. love isn't something you work on, it's intangible and just happens." In return, I told him I loved him, I want him in my future, but I haven't made that soul connection with him yet because he's put up a wall and blocked himself from me emotionally. I told him the "sparks" of love you don't have to work at, but as far as opening up, etc., if you're not good at it, it may take a little patience and work. He wanted to remain friends for the time being, saying he wanted nothing now, but maybe we would emotionally connect better as friends. (I told him that wasn't good enough for me, but I'm going on vacation for a few months, and he also wonders how strong we would be while I was away) To let you all know, I'm one of the most committed people you'd meet, but I'm just not great about expressing how i feel--it's difficult for me to open up, and it just takes me a little bit of time. So, while we've been "friends" he acts more than ever like we are together. He's brought up little innuendos about my quiet love-making style. He makes little jokes when i say, "oh, honey" or something of the like, and says, "i sure never heard that when we were making love." he blows everything off as a joke, but i know it's bugging him, and hurts me because our intimate relationship is sacred ground to me, and not something i ever took lightly. He can't keep from touching me, keeps looking deep into my eyes, and has started to open up to me a little more, but still says he doesn't want anything right now. His friends tell me how much he still loves me, that he is just scared. Any ideas on how to connect with him? He's just gone overboard with these insecurities. . . I know my future is with him, but not if we can't get past this little glitch that he has made such an ordeal of. Help!

[Jana]

Alex, you've made something clear to me. Yes, I am one with the problem of communicating. He is too, but he told me he needs to hear how I feel before he can respond and open himself up to me. This is such a role-reversal for me-I'm usually the last one to say how I feel, and I'm being put in the leading position now--scary. So, i have told him, after we broke up, what it is he needed to hear. He just says to that, "obviously, if the only way you can open up to me is when we break up, maybe i'm not the one for you, and we should remain friends."

 

This breaks my heart, and I don't know how exactly to get him back into my life. What is it that I say or do to make him realize i have always had those feelings, but have been too scared to make him aware of them. Do I keep hanging out with him as "friends" or will that just keep our friendship progressing? Do I distance myself, make him see that he does really love me, and that we both need to overcome our fears and insecurities? I love him. I've told him that. He just thinks that because I didn't meet his time limit for opening up to him, including verbally and letting him know how wonderful he is sexually, that we must be destined for friendship. That's not good enough, and we both know it. He still acts like we're together, but says we are not. I miss making love with him, but that's something that has to wait until we are back together--that's what we need to work on, but talking comes first. What to do?

[kikie]

i disagree with alex.

 

why change your lovemaking style just for him?

 

why doesn't HE get used to a new style?

 

ideal would be to meet in the middle ...

 

i mean some people just aren't into screaming & all that ... i think he'd be only more upset with it if u start acting in the bedroom ... but if u wanna do that ... then i recommend some drama classes, to make it convincing ...

 

good luck!