I just need someone to talk to.

[Wubalubadub]

Hi. 

I met a guy online. We went on 4 dates. He was on his phone during the date. I asked him plz don't do that I find it rude. Regardless on the last date we went down on each other. We started to have pillow talk. He talked about how he doesn't swipe right on every girl that he liked me two years ago.  We started talking about are past. I opened up a lot. Too much.

He told me he once liked a girl a lot and was surprised she liked him too. They started dating and he didn't plan things. He gave her the impression he wasn't interested. Then she left him. That he regreted his behaviour. 

 I went home with this feeling. He's going to end it.  He got a cold. I texted him but the response would take hours. Two weeks pass with him responding like this. It's been five days since Iv heard from him. He's ghosting me. Im sad and anger. I mean why did he lead me on. Is it that hard to just text its over. For two/three weeks of been playing a texting game. Asking how his fever is. I cant sleep or eat. Why did I tell him not to go on his phone. 

What do I do? I want to know what I did. 

Edited April 9, 2020 by Wubalubadub

[Kballer]

You are internalizing the actions of another person... Please, for your mental health STOP doing that... You can't control other people.. You can only control YOU.    If you feel he is disrespecting you, you need need to just tell him that, and then end the "relationship" if he continues to harm you emotionally. It really is that simple.. Put your feelings forward.. Tell him "I don't like it when you "fill in the blank"".. If he does not immediately stop the behavior, you must STOP contact with him.. Once he has been informed that his behavior is having a negative impact on you he needs to immediately correct his behavior.. If he does not stop doing whatever it is that is bothering you.. You have to let him go.. There are a million reasons why he might not be on the same page as you but NONE of those reasons matter... If he is not on your "team", he needs to be GONE... Harsh? Yes... Necessary?...... yes... If he is not in it for you... Then he needs to get on down the road.. There is no gray area here.. Either he wants to be with you, or he does not (which could be a million reasons why but NONE of them matter)..

[d0nnivain]

You need to take a lot of deep breaths & get a grip.  You are much too attached & way too insecure after only 4 dates.  You did nothing wrong on the dates but your behavior now is concerning.  

What you did is show that you won't tolerate rudeness.  You set a boundary.  That is a good thing!

You said he "got a cold" & the last thing you knew was he "had a fever."  Yet you jump to the conclusion that he doesn't like you.  Have you considered the probability that he developed Coronavirus?  Hello.  There is a pandemic on & a fever is the definitive symptom.  

At this point in history, take everything with a grain of salt.  You have no meaningful idea what the health situation is in his family.  

[stillafool]

You girls have got to stop being soooooo afraid of losing a guy.  There are millions more men out there so if one is lost or uninterested there are plenty more.

[Wubalubadub]

I asked him what was up?

He said " I think your great, but I think we aren't a good fit. The best of luck."

I then asked him "Would you like to just hook up?" ( I was thinking maybe I could win him back that way)

He said no.  

I feel pretty embarrassed. 

I know I came on too strong. I know I have low self-esteem. I know I opened up too much the last time I saw him. I know I had more beer then him (which he commented on). 

I'm self sabotaging myself. I don't give off the impression of a badass woman. Cause I'm not. I'm nervous, insecure and I can't pretend other wise. He bought up depression. I told him Iv struggled with it. I asked him about his experience with it "I've never had depression" I roll my eyes ( sounds like a lie)

He told me I wear my heart on my sleeve and that it's a good thing. But I feel like that's what did me in. 

If I had just pretended I was perfect this would not have happened. People don't want to date insecure, troubled ppl. The want a super star. Confident. Someone they can put on a pedestal. Someone they can chase. Someone that doesn't want them. That they can chase and win like a prize. It's all a game. I just suck at it. 

Can I ask him. Do you have any advise for me so that I don't mess up the next time?

I just want some answers?

Can I ask what happened?

Edited April 9, 2020 by Wubalubadub

[stillafool]

Sweetie there is nothing wrong with you this was just the wrong guy for you.  He's right you two aren't a good fit.  You will find a guy who likes you just the way you are and you won't have to pretend to be someone else to get him.  Just hand in there.

[Wubalubadub]

It's because I showed too much interest. I don't know how ppl just work out together. 

I mean insecurities drive everyone away. What should I do? I'm a mess. I can't eat, sleep. 

Edited April 9, 2020 by Wubalubadub

[preraph]

Listen, you have got to get over thinking you have any control over these random guys!!  You could be perfect, you could do everything perfectly, but you could still not be right for the guy.  He could like dumb girls instead of smart ones.  He could like brunettes instead of blondes.  He could be focused on one girl he has a crush on and just not really functioning.  He could be totally dense and reading everything the wrong way.  He could be overly defensive and just not have the ability to get along with someone.  

 

Stop blaming yourself.  And yes, do set boundaries like with the phone.  You are half of the equation.  You have rights.  He simply wasn't who you hoped he'd be.  This is not unusual.  Most of them aren't!

[basil67]

3 hours ago, Wubalubadub said:

I'm nervous, insecure and I can't pretend other wise. He bought up depression. I told him Iv struggled with it. I asked him about his experience with it "I've never had depression" I roll my eyes ( sounds like a lie)

He told me I wear my heart on my sleeve and that it's a good thing. But I feel like that's what did me in. 

If I had just pretended I was perfect this would not have happened. People don't want to date insecure, troubled ppl.

The want a super star. Confident. Someone they can put on a pedestal. Someone they can chase. Someone that doesn't want them. That they can chase and win like a prize. It's all a game. I just suck at it. 

 

You don't have to ask him what went wrong because it's clear that you already know: People don't want to date insecure troubled people.   When they go on a date, they want an enjoyable uplifting connection.   That doesn't mean that as you get to know them that you can't reveal your demons, but try not to wear those demons on your sleeve.  

Are you doing any work on yourself to overcome the insecurities and troubles you have?   Do you take meds for depression?   

And you're incorrect about the last paragraph.  I would suggest that good company, laughs and attraction is enough for most to continue dating.  It doesn't have to be all superstars and pedestals.  

[Wubalubadub]

I forgot how insecure I was. Yes, I take meds. 

This was the first time in a long time I went on a date and really liked the guy.

It was like this demon of fear came over me. I also felt; I have to tell him my insecurities NOW. Because if we get closer, if I start developing feeling for him. It's going to hurt more in the long run. If he hear's all this stuff now and still accepts me I'll feel loved. 

Yes, I didn't come off as sexy, confident me. She died a long time ago. 

I don't know what happen to her. 

But he said, he liked my heart on my sleeve. That it was a good thing. 

I really have no idea how to overcome the insecurities. They have been a battle for me since childhood. The only way Iv really felt and shown confidence is by faking it.

Get a hobby, make friends.? 

  

[Cookiesandough]

3 hours ago, Wubalubadub said:

It's because I showed too much interest. I don't know how ppl just work out together. 

I mean insecurities drive everyone away. What should I do? I'm a mess. I can't eat, sleep. 

Whoa whoa whoa girl. Girl, plz go smoke a bowl and calm down for a min.  Was this the last guy on Earth and I just missed the memo? Nope he’s not. So you messed up with him or you guys just weren’t a match. Back to the board and maybe next time. Also absolutist statements like “no one wants someone insecure or has depression” isn’t true. is just more anxiety inducing,  black and white thinking. Get your anxiety and depression under control for you, but I don’t think you should apologize for opening up and sharing with another person ... he just wasn’t the one. 

 

Edited April 10, 2020 by Cookiesandough

[Cookiesandough]

4 minutes ago, Wubalubadub said:

 

Get a hobby, make friends.? 

  

A great start 👍 

[basil67]

7 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said:

 Get your anxiety and depression under control for you, but I don’t think you should apologize for opening up and sharing with another person ... he just wasn’t the one. 

To be fair, I know two women who chose not to see guys because those guys unloaded all their bad stuff on the first date or two.  They both felt like they were being used as a therapist.   There's a line between sharing and oversharing.

[Cookiesandough]

There’s still a woman for both of those guys, but I feel you, Basil. Like I said, I think it’s good OP recognizes a possible issue and definitely think it’s important to work on it. 

[basil67]

Just now, Cookiesandough said:

There’s still a woman for both of those guys, but I feel you, Basil. Like I said, I think it’s good OP recognizes a possible issue and definitely think it’s important to work on it. 

Actually both those guys asked the women why and were given an honest but gentle answer.  I hope they take the information with them and learn to filter a bit

[Cookiesandough]

@basil67Sorry I meant there are other women out there for those guys.. Certainly not your friends haha. I just mean there are women who wouldn’t pass because perhaps they find them attractive for another reason or something 😊 maybe those women will share  their lifetime problems  on the first or second date with them too loll 

Edited April 10, 2020 by Cookiesandough

[Wubalubadub]

I complete get how I messed up. 

I remember dating this guy. He started doing the things I did. But more extreme. I felt like he was depended on me. Like if I said something or did something he would fall apart. It's the most unattractive thing ever. 

It was like a monster took me over. I normally date guys thinking "I could do better" but this feels good cause I'm not a mess. It's easy and safe when you really don't care. 

I know I messed up. Damit. I just never meet someone like him. But I'm fantasizing. I didn't really know him . 

Is it really to late. ?    

[Realitysux]

19 minutes ago, Wubalubadub said:

I complete get how I messed up. 

I remember dating this guy. He started doing the things I did. But more extreme. I felt like he was depended on me. Like if I said something or did something he would fall apart. It's the most unattractive thing ever. 

It was like a monster took me over. I normally date guys thinking "I could do better" but this feels good cause I'm not a mess. It's easy and safe when you really don't care. 

I know I messed up. Damit. I just never meet someone like him. But I'm fantasizing. I didn't really know him . 

Is it really to late. ?    

Yes .. it's too late! You know after my experience... if a guy said to me, it's not going to work and left, i would be thankful. It's when they hack you and give you advice after that really brings out the crazy! 

Edited April 10, 2020 by Realitysux

[Cookiesandough]

Chalk it up as a lesson learned and don’t overstarw and control your drinking next time then. You met him and you will  meet another. Like you said, you didn’t even  know him. He could have been all wrong for you in other ways too .
 

Edited April 10, 2020 by Cookiesandough

[d0nnivain]

Quote

 

Stop thinking you messed up. It just wasn't meant to be. 

You can do things to improve your life & therefore your chances going forward. 

1.  Never think you can win a guy back by offering sex.  When you do that you telegraph to the guy that you don't value yourself & that actually makes you less desirable.  Have sex because you want to not because you think you need to in order to keep a guy. 

2.  Work on your self esteem.  It takes effort but it can be done.  Ask whoever prescribes your meds to get you a good talk therapist if you don't already have one.  Search the concept on the internet & do the various exercises. 

3.  Learn to keep your own counsel.  It isn't good to wear your heart on your sleeve.  It leaves you too vulnerable.  Instead. share less.  It adds a bit of mystery & makes somebody want to keep spending time with you to learn more fascinating things about you.  Early on gloss over the bad stuff.  Like with the depression.  You don't start the conversation. If somebody else brings it up, keep it superficial in the beginning.  Say something like "I think everybody struggles with it, at least once in a while, if they are being honest.  I have had some issues with it but I've got it under control."  Then pivot the conversation to something productive you do to help yourself.  If you walk ask if the other person has ever explored a particular trail.  

4.  Add then maintain balance in your life.  Eat nutritious food.  Get the right amount of sleep. Make sure there is movement in your life, exercise is best but just taking a walk is better then wallowing on your couch.  Yes, that is hard now with social distancing but do yoga / stretching in your living room.  

 

Your happiness is yours to control.  It's not dependent on somebody else.  You give this guy too much power.  Take it back for yourself.  

[poppyfields]

3 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

Stop thinking you messed up. It just wasn't meant to be. 

You can do things to improve your life & therefore your chances going forward. 

1.  Never think you can win a guy back by offering sex.  When you do that you telegraph to the guy that you don't value yourself & that actually makes you less desirable.  Have sex because you want to not because you think you need to in order to keep a guy. 

2.  Work on your self esteem.  It takes effort but it can be done.  Ask whoever prescribes your meds to get you a good talk therapist if you don't already have one.  Search the concept on the internet & do the various exercises. 

3.  Learn to keep your own counsel.  It isn't good to wear your heart on your sleeve.  It leaves you too vulnerable.  Instead. share less.  It adds a bit of mystery & makes somebody want to keep spending time with you to learn more fascinating things about you.  Early on gloss over the bad stuff.  Like with the depression.  You don't start the conversation. If somebody else brings it up, keep it superficial in the beginning.  Say something like "I think everybody struggles with it, at least once in a while, if they are being honest.  I have had some issues with it but I've got it under control."  Then pivot the conversation to something productive you do to help yourself.  If you walk ask if the other person has ever explored a particular trail.  

4.  Add then maintain balance in your life.  Eat nutritious food.  Get the right amount of sleep. Make sure there is movement in your life, exercise is best but just taking a walk is better then wallowing on your couch.  Yes, that is hard now with social distancing but do yoga / stretching in your living room.  

 

Your happiness is yours to control.  It's not dependent on somebody else.  You give this guy too much power.  Take it back for yourself.  

^^^Cut and paste this to your fridge!  And read every morning like an affirmation.  In time, it will stick and become who you are.  

There is a positive in all this -  you became more self aware, and can now take steps to improve.  And lesson learned for next guy who may turn out the be the right guy!!  

((Hugs)), feel better and remember you're beautiful.