That one person you can't get over....

[emerald86]

I dated a guy for about 6 months, and it was quite a whirlwind. I fell fast and hard. We broke up about 4 months ago, mainly because I moved away and it turned into a long distance relationship. Neither of us wanted that long distance, but we decided to give it a try for about a month and it led to all sorts of issues and misunderstandings.

That breakup was possibly the most painful one I've ever been through (and I've had a couple serious relationships in the past), but I knew that deep down it was for the best. We both felt that way at the time.

I don't necessarily want to get back with him now - but I'm surprised that it's been 4 months and I still think about him everyday. I always think about what could have been. I genuinely believed that after 4 months, things would hurt a little less, but it all still stings. This has me wondering if I will ever really get over him. I have often asked myself if he was the one. I have had the strongest urge to reach out to him, to see how he's doing, but I don't think this is the best idea - things ended amicably on the surface, but I know that there were a lot of hurt feelings deep down.

Being in quarantine has me questioning a lot of things. What difference does distance even make now, even when dating someone new? Because at least for the moment, meeting in person is not an option. 

Edited April 9, 2020 by emerald86

[andytuotuo]

Hi there, 

I can definitely identify with you. I was involved with someone for a relatively short amount of time and I fell hard without even knowing it. It has been 3,4 months since we talked last. It is been a little better but I still have my moments. There hasn't been a day gone by that I haven't thought about her. I just want to let you know you are not alone.

Compare to what I was 2 months ago, I am in a better place. How much better? I don't know.

I know one day, things will get better. We all deserve so so much happiness.

[Beachead]

Hey Emerald86,

I had a situation years ago that was very similar to yours.  I began something with someone whom I knew was leaving the country for med school. We dated for about 5 months before she left.  I think we both knew long distance was a bad idea but it was hard to let go so we decided to do it.  It didn't take long for the distance and her studies to destroy our connection.  She became stressed and distant and that affected me which drove my anxiety up.  I feared she'd break up with me.  We bounced of eachothers negative reactions and after 3 months of doing long distance, she broke up with me, in not the best of ways.  For 2 years, she'd message me every couple of months.  We tried to talk but my feelings always got in the way.  On her end, she'd have some terrible coping mechanisms.  Bad communication.  So we fought and wounds would reopen.  The pain was too much and it got to point where I forced myself to block her and cut her off.  She did the same.  And that was that.

The first 5 months, I held onto hope that we could get back together.  I was blinded by my pain and couldn't accept reality.  I kid you not, I struggled to get through an hour.  I checked my phone frequently.  I lost 10 pounds from a lack of appetite.  I lost the desire to do anything.   But as time progressed, I gained clarity about my situation and the reality of it.  I gained strength and I healed slowly.  Eventually I was able to focus on my life again.  I caught myself having my first good moment in life again, that had nothing to do with her.  After that,  my first good day.  The number of good times started increase and the bad days weren't as bad anymore.   It took time though.  It took me 2 years to truly work through my stages of grief.  The denial, the bargaining, the depression, the anger and finally the acceptance of it all.  

And it took 2 years to move passed the woman after her.

Don't put deadlines on yourself for when where you should be in your healing process. You heart/mind won't cooperate to it.  4 months is great work, but its still fresh, especially if you cared for him.  It is quite normal to still think of him.

54 minutes ago, emerald86 said:

I have had the strongest urge to reach out to him, to see how he's doing, but I don't think this is the best idea - things ended amicably on the surface, but I know that there were a lot of hurt feelings deep down.

Things like a Pandemic means your grounded at home, alone with your thoughts.  Stress, anxiety, loneliness and vulnerability can contribute to straying thoughts similar to how the Holidays/family time and warmth can bring about thoughts of exes.  In such mental-states, we may end up looking back at the past favourably, filtering out bad, in favour of the good.  We may miss our exes and think about them.  But always remember, a relationship is the sum of both the good and the bad and we have to remember it in its entirety.  

A technique you can use to help you is reinforce why your relationship ended.  Get real specific about it.  What reasons led to the break up and why was it necessary to break up.  Why wouldn't it have worked out if you had continued in it?  Make sure you list it out in writing so that you can read it everytime to help counter those other thoughts.

Be patient with yourself.

- Beach

Edited April 9, 2020 by Beachead

[DarrenB]

Find solace in what you used to enjoy doing before the relationship with him presented itself. It's key to reminisce on the positives but to not fall back into bad habits.

Only think about possibly reaching out when you know you have no intent to provoke or initiate a romantic scenario - this will certainly make things easier in the long run if you decide you want to remain close friends in the future.

As it goes for developing new relationships during quarantine and self-isolation, it could be a good time for you to browse around and optimize the time you have available to self-reflect and again find solace in what you enjoy most. 

[Rex12]

Hey all, hope you're all well. Mourning the fantasy of what might have been when a short term relationship ends is arguably more heartbreaking than the demise of a LTR.

So go easy on yourselves and realize that they're probably not 'special', 'the one' or 'the one that got a away'. It's merely a timing issue. You're all intelligent peope. You know if things end in the honeymoon stage it's going to hurt a lot. It's likely you have not lived together or got to know the person fully. You can only see the good rather than the good, bad & ugly. Reminding yourself of this should provide some clarity. 

 

 

[ExpatInItaly]

On 4/9/2020 at 4:34 AM, emerald86 said:

I dated a guy for about 6 months, and it was quite a whirlwind. I fell fast and hard. We broke up about 4 months ago, mainly because I moved away and it turned into a long distance relationship. Neither of us wanted that long distance, but we decided to give it a try for about a month and it led to all sorts of issues and misunderstandings.

This might have something to do with why it hurt so much now. 

When we fall fast and hard, it stings a lot when it ends abruptly because you're still in the honeymoon phase where things tend to be the most exciting. We haven't yet seen the other's real flaws nor had many bumps in the road. We haven't had time to learn why the relationship might not be sustainable. When something longer-term ends, we can often reflect on the history of problems and see how the two people were ultimately not compatible. We are sometimes able to see the break-up coming and are ready to let go. Intense short relationships usually haven't reached that point and thus it feels like a rude awakening when it does quickly fall apart. 

The quarantine won't last forever. So when it is eventually lifted, you're still stuck with the issue of distance too. I would thus argue that there is still a significant difference between a relationship divided by quarantine rules, and a long-distance relationship. The former has a rough end-date on the horizon. The latter does not. (at least not in your case, I'm gathering?)

[Blind-Sided]

You may never get over him.

I dated a girl back when I was 19-23.  It was almost a 5 year relationship.  I worked for her dad, and her family loved me.  I thought I was going to marry this girl.  She broke up with me for a bunch of BS reasons... but I later found out from her brother that she was cheating on me. This is the girl I've often thought about... even when I was married.  (a 20 year relationship) Spin the clock to now... I'm 47, and divorced, and I travel for work.  I found out that she was living in a town that I was going to be in... and her brother even told me to contact her. Once I got to where I was working... I couldn't bring myself to contact her because I still had feelings for her 25 years later.   I would have loved to pick up where we left off... but she hurt me so bad, I didn't have anything to say to her.

No real help... but sometimes you just cant shake someone regardless of time.  (But it's not like it dictates my life)

[The Outlaw]

There's always going to be that one person we think about more than anything and can't ever possibly forget. Mine was a lifetime ago and she's married now. She was the one that I feel got away that never really was. 

[preraph]

I had a hard time getting over the ones I loved.  A very hard time.  Worse than most people, pretty sure.  I got over one by falling for another, but then there was so much betrayal and hurt with that one that it just about did me in, and it affected me both personally and professionally, and the latter is what made it so bad, I think.  

 

But the one I still think about is one I was never a couple with, but had an intermittent thing with for years, and just a fantasy kind of guy.  I call him my one remaining enigma.  And I can still love him because he never really hurt me. He just was who he was.  Probably if I'd ever lived with him, I'd hate his guts by now.  

[FMW]

You don't always "get over" people.  But that doesn't mean you will always feel the hurt (or at least not as strongly), or that there won't be someone else that will be just as important to you. 

The advice about remembering the negative aspects of the relationship and not just the good, is what you should focus on.  

[homecoming]

12 hours ago, FMW said:

You don't always "get over" people.  But that doesn't mean you will always feel the hurt (or at least not as strongly),

I always thought that eventually, you do just get over people. But my last relationship break up has shown me that perhaps I won't ever get over my ex 100%, and I think I've accepted that it will always be a part of me. It's not as painful as it used to be, but it's there. I think about my ex often. But at the same time, I'm able to just get on with things in my own life. It's sad, but I suppose that's part of life. 

[emerald86]

17 hours ago, Blind-Sided said:

You may never get over him.

I dated a girl back when I was 19-23.  It was almost a 5 year relationship.  I worked for her dad, and her family loved me.  I thought I was going to marry this girl.  She broke up with me for a bunch of BS reasons... but I later found out from her brother that she was cheating on me. This is the girl I've often thought about... even when I was married.  (a 20 year relationship) Spin the clock to now... I'm 47, and divorced, and I travel for work.  I found out that she was living in a town that I was going to be in... and her brother even told me to contact her. Once I got to where I was working... I couldn't bring myself to contact her because I still had feelings for her 25 years later.   I would have loved to pick up where we left off... but she hurt me so bad, I didn't have anything to say to her.

No real help... but sometimes you just cant shake someone regardless of time.  (But it's not like it dictates my life)

Wow, what a story. I agree, some people you just never get over. It's sad how the person you love so deeply can hurt you so much at the same time.

[emerald86]

4 hours ago, homecoming said:

I always thought that eventually, you do just get over people. But my last relationship break up has shown me that perhaps I won't ever get over my ex 100%, and I think I've accepted that it will always be a part of me. It's not as painful as it used to be, but it's there. I think about my ex often. But at the same time, I'm able to just get on with things in my own life. It's sad, but I suppose that's part of life. 

There are some people from my past that I have 100% gotten over. If I were to hear their name or even run into them today, I would feel absolutely nothing. But then there are some others that still make me wonder what if, or seeing them would make my heart skip ten beats. I suppose with some people it just takes a whole lot more time, and then of course, there are others that we may never fully get over.

[emerald86]

18 hours ago, preraph said:

I had a hard time getting over the ones I loved.  A very hard time.  Worse than most people, pretty sure.  I got over one by falling for another, but then there was so much betrayal and hurt with that one that it just about did me in, and it affected me both personally and professionally, and the latter is what made it so bad, I think.  

 

But the one I still think about is one I was never a couple with, but had an intermittent thing with for years, and just a fantasy kind of guy.  I call him my one remaining enigma.  And I can still love him because he never really hurt me. He just was who he was.  Probably if I'd ever lived with him, I'd hate his guts by now.  

Ah yes, the one remaining enigma. I have this as well--a fantasy kind of guy that I've known for years. Tough to ever really forget about this kind of person. 

[emerald86]

On 4/10/2020 at 2:40 AM, ExpatInItaly said:

This might have something to do with why it hurt so much now. 

When we fall fast and hard, it stings a lot when it ends abruptly because you're still in the honeymoon phase where things tend to be the most exciting. We haven't yet seen the other's real flaws nor had many bumps in the road. We haven't had time to learn why the relationship might not be sustainable. When something longer-term ends, we can often reflect on the history of problems and see how the two people were ultimately not compatible. We are sometimes able to see the break-up coming and are ready to let go. Intense short relationships usually haven't reached that point and thus it feels like a rude awakening when it does quickly fall apart. 

The quarantine won't last forever. So when it is eventually lifted, you're still stuck with the issue of distance too. I would thus argue that there is still a significant difference between a relationship divided by quarantine rules, and a long-distance relationship. The former has a rough end-date on the horizon. The latter does not. (at least not in your case, I'm gathering?)

Yes, exactly! At this point, I can only conjure up possible scenarios about why the relationship wouldn't be sustainable, but I don't know any of this for certain. We have had a couple of bumps along the way, but none of them were big enough to end a relationship, imo. Distance truly was the biggest factor here. I really do often wonder if he could have been the one. 

You're right, our long distance never really had an end-date. We could be in the same city at some point, but I don't see that happening for another year or two.

[preraph]

14 minutes ago, emerald86 said:

Ah yes, the one remaining enigma. I have this as well--a fantasy kind of guy that I've known for years. Tough to ever really forget about this kind of person. 

Yeah, I don't even want to forget about him.  And no reason I need to.  Some great moments. 

[Lotsgoingon]

Keeping work on yourself. I've gotten over people that took a longer time than I predicted. But ultimately I got over them. 

[preraph]

I did get over the hardest one with the most water under the bridge and complex issues.  But I mean, resentment is still there.  We are friendly acquaintances after decades though.  It's not that neither of us really cared.  It just was a clusterF.  He checked up on me as soon as this virus thing started.  

[snowcones]

This thread has been immensely helpful to me at the moment.

[poppyfields]

On 4/11/2020 at 12:10 PM, preraph said:

Yeah, I don't even want to forget about him.  And no reason I need to.  Some great moments. 

I agree and to the OP, so what if you think of him everyday? 

I am in a relationship currently but I still think about the "one that got away" every day still, and it's been years!  My own private memory. 

Some people will never leave our hearts all the way, and that's OK!

Treasure the memories, love him from a distance, but move ahead with your life. 

It can be done, I promise you.

Edited April 18, 2020 by poppyfields

[FMW]

45 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

so what if you think of him everyday? 

Well to be fair, if you're in another relationship your partner might have a little issue with it.  It depends on what those thoughts are.    

I've been very honest with myself and considered how I would feel if I was involved with someone who had the same "thoughts" about an ex that I have about one of mine.  I think I've gotten to a good spot with that, for the most part.  I've accepted I'll probably never really be "over" my feelings, but I fortunately know I would never want anything to do with that ex again, I have no doubt about that.  

So just don't get involved with someone else while you're still "pining".