13yrs gone · Lots of information.

[iwouldvedoneanything]

Hi everyone,

So I've spent a lot of time lurking and decided it was finally time to post. There's a lot of information so I hope you have a cup of coffee ready.

For clarity my GF is 32 and I'm 34(F). My GF is MtF transgender.

My girlfriend and I have have been together for 13 years. It was a domestic partnership/marriage (in that we filed taxes together as married almost the entire time). We called one another spouses. For the first 11 years he was a he. We lived happy but a hard life. I dealt with a lot of anxiety and depression and went from job to job. He kept his jobs for long periods of time and supported us without question. He was a good man.

2 years ago he came out to be as wanting to transition. He was scared of losing me and asked if I would stay with him. We were both so desperately in love, at least I was, and my love for him overshadowed all of my fears and doubts of what that would bring. I stayed, we went thru so much. Doctors visits, coming out to his parents and mine, and just the trials of medication and mood swings. All the things that came with it, but we were happy. It was like our love was renewed and I've always been bisexual, so my attraction never waned. It seemed as though we were happier than ever.

Fast forward to March of this year. I'd noticed she'd been a bit distant but figured it'd been because we'd been fighting a lot. My depression and anxiety had reached an all time high and I'd been withdrawn, angry, and not very pleasant to be around. I knew this and was trying to be calmer but it was a ticking time bomb. One night (the 5th) I asked her thru text "Are we ok?" And it prompted her to say: "Idk I think there might be someone else." Well I lost it. I just couldn't believe this because the biggest promise (and only promise she ever made me) is that she'd never cheat on me.

The someone else turned out to be an online relationship kindled thru an MMO. She'd only known him about a week and he'd confessed his love to her. She said she'd love him back. He's 10 years younger than her and lives over 1500 miles away.

The next day she took off work and we talked it out. She told me: "I don't think I love you anymore. I think I love him." I offered an open relationship to which she responded "I don't know, he's the jealous type. I just need time to decide what I want." She wanted me to come home to my mothers or for her to go to her parents for a while to figure it out. I would have none of it, I told her: "If you can't decide between 13yrs or a week long affair, then you don't love me."

I moved out the following Saturday. 

We didn't talk for a few weeks and in those weeks she made it official with him (they're dating now) and when I called on the 3rd week of separation to try and salvage everything I was told it was "too late" that if I'd called "2 weeks earlier" she would've changed her mind. But now it was too far, she'd done things she couldn't take back and she loved him. She said she was happier with him than she'd ever been with me. That I'd neglected her, taken her for granted, and she would never come back to that. That he'd sent her flowers to work and food, because she hadn't been eating while I was gone, and that she "grew to love him."

Her personality did a complete 180 from the shy, funny, and tender girl I'd known. She became cold, selfish, and blamed everyone else for her choices. I admitted my fault in that I'd been hard to live with and that I'd neglected her, but she blamed me for pushing her away, blamed her friends for introducing her to this guy, and blamed him for romancing her in my absence. She has completely withdrawn from our mutual friends, her family doesn't know the reason we split, and she acts as though she's been freed from a terrible life and is living her best life. Her entire world consists of 2 online friends and her boyfriend, all of whom are 10 years younger than her.

It pains me because I stuck around too long. I kept trying to reel her back in, kept trying to reason with her (I know, I know, I wish I'd read all this stuff beforehand..) the last straw came this past Monday when I wanted to speak with her one last time to say goodbye. Our last interaction had been a HUGE screaming match with us saying awful things to one another. We'd been best friends before this and I didn't want the last thing we said to one another to be full of hatred and spite. She agreed and as we said our goodbyes her boyfriend was asking her why she continued to speak to me. He said something along the lines of:

"Why do you keep answering her calls?" And she said: "Because she's my friend and I care about her, I value her friendship." He interpreted that to meaning she still loved me and she responded that she did not. He gave her the ultimatum "I can't see us moving forward if you don't leave her behind." Then logged off. She panicked and began to cry (I've never heard her wail like that before.. it was haunting) and she began to scream at me: "ARE YOU HAPPY NOW? IS THIS WHAT YOU WANT?" Well in that moment I realized both how selfish I was and she was. I was being selfish by trying to hold onto her when she no longer wanted me, I was hurting her. I responded: "No it isn't what I want. I'm very sorry for everything." And I guess she could hear the regret in my voice and said: "I know, I'm sorry too." We said goodbye and that's the last we spoke.

I honestly have no idea what this is. GIGS, walk away wife, or she was just plain unhappy and wanted to be done with me. She claims she tried telling me about the "neglect" and claims to her BF and friends (and some of ours) that I was emotionally abusive to her, that I didn't care about her and only cared about myself. Yet I still can't be angry with her. I want her to be happy even if it isn't with me, I just couldn't let go because it was all so sudden. I did and said terrible things this month and I can't help but think I've truly lost her forever.

I don't know what to do now. I have no choice but to not speak to her and it is a lonely existence. We were best friends and now we're strangers.

I don't know if I'm asking for advice. I don't know what I'm thinking anymore. Since that Monday I'm increasingly disconnected from her. I love her so much, but I no longer cry and I no longer wish to fight for her. I'm just utterly sad and destroyed. I blame myself for everything and I don't know how long this will take to heal.

 

I don't need her in my life. I wanted her there. My main issue now is how worried I am for her, because this relationship seems..  scary. It seems as though they're moving very fast. When I spoke with her about it, she gave me a LOT of information and details about it (there was a period of time we tried being friends and she took it seriously. she acted as tho I were her best friend and gave me details about stuff I never wanted to know...) things like she's very insecure about their relationship, he wants to move in with her, they want to get married and adopt, lots of sexual information, and just things about this guys past. So many warning bells went off while talking to her, but I couldn't say anything because then I'm just the "jealous ex" trying to get her back.

Which was a fear of hers. Every conversation she was wary I'd try to get her back. In fact anytime I spoke with her, the bf would be angry because he'd have to ease her anxieties. As though anytime she spent time with me it made her doubt her decision. Then he put his foot down and that's that. Door's closed.

Edited April 9, 2020 by iwouldvedoneanything
Spelling/adding more information.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

15 minutes ago, iwouldvedoneanything said:

Hi everyone,

So I've spent a lot of time lurking and decided it was finally time to post. There's a lot of information so I hope you have a cup of coffee ready.

My girlfriend and I have have been together for 13 years. It was a domestic partnership/marriage (in that we filed taxes together as married almost the entire time). We called one another spouses. For the first 11 years he was a he. We lived happy but a hard life. I dealt with a lot of anxiety and depression and went from job to job. He kept his jobs for long periods of time and supported us without question. He was a good man.

2 years ago he came out to be as wanting to transition. He was scared of losing me and asked if I would stay with him. We were both so desperately in love, at least I was, and my love for him overshadowed all of my fears and doubts of what that would bring. I stayed, we went thru so much. Doctors visits, coming out to his parents and mine, and just the trials of medication and mood swings. All the things that came with it, but we were happy. It was like our love was renewed and I've always been bisexual, so my attraction never waned. It seemed as though we were happier than ever.

Fast forward to March of this year. I'd noticed she'd been a bit distant but figured it'd been because we'd been fighting a lot. My depression and anxiety had reached an all time high and I'd been withdrawn, angry, and not very pleasant to be around. I knew this and was trying to be calmer but it was a ticking time bomb. One night (the 5th) I asked her thru text "Are we ok?" And it prompted her to say: "Idk I think there might be someone else." Well I lost it. I just couldn't believe this because the biggest promise (and only promise she ever made me) is that she'd never cheat on me.

The someone else turned out to be an online relationship kindled thru an MMO. She'd only known him about a week and he'd confessed his love to her. She said she'd love him back. He's 10 years younger than her and lives over 1500 miles away.

The next day she took off work and we talked it out. She told me: "I don't think I love you anymore. I think I love him." I offered an open relationship to which she responded "I don't know, he's the jealous type. I just need time to decide what I want." She wanted me to come home to my mothers or for her to go to her parents for a while to figure it out. I would have none of it, I told her: "If you can't decide between 13yrs or a week long affair, then you don't love me."

I moved out the following Saturday. 

 

I don't know what to do now...

Your post went on about twice as long as it needed to:  

 

(and that is in no way a critique of your writing, or likely mood!!!)

 

Walk away from trash like that.

 

In your mind, separate two things:

 

A)   (that other person)

 

from

 

B)   Your investment IN (that other person)

                    (which is something that deserves to be commended, and revered, by YOU)

 

Work on yourself and cease at once to dwell on the specifics of the whole interaction with (that other person).

(that other person) presented themselves in one way when you met and evolved... and then, regardless of whether you were there at the time, whether you were notified as things changed... or whether you somehow seemed to give your "ok"...    (that other person) misrepresented themselves exponentially, and thus you "... moved out the following Saturday...".

 

Arguably an environment where some idiot is allowed to just push and push and redesign and redesign without limits/lines begets still further scenarios where that same idiot is allowed to push and redesign of their own, independent choosing, but so what?

 

Just LEAVE the scenario mentally as well as physically and never look back!

 

 

Edited April 9, 2020 by SincereOnlineGuy

[iwouldvedoneanything]

Hi, thanks for responding.

Yeah I realize it's a lot of information that doesn't say much. I guess I figured it would help put others in my state of mind? I'm unsure. Perhaps it's venting.

I realize you're right as I've been told this by friends and family alike. I figured if I spoke to people who didn't know us, perhaps I'd get a better perspective. From our mutual friends, I'm told that she's rewriting in an effort to deny responsibility. That she's completely in denial about the whole thing and they're probably right.

 

I'm already in the process of mentally pushing it because I cannot physically go back. Y'know? It's over with. It's done. Her BF has put his foot down and she sides with him and it's not like I can get her back.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

6 hours ago, iwouldvedoneanything said:

Hi, thanks for responding.

Yeah I realize it's a lot of information that doesn't say much.

 

My statement was NOT reflective of things you opted to add to the last half.

 

It was just... halfway-ish through when you reached the only conclusion  you needed to draw.

 

 

[ExpatInItaly]

I'm sorry you've been through this, OP. Your pain is palpable. 

At the end of the day, I imagine this split was actually a long time coming. It sounds like you had both been unhappy for a while there and weren't getting along anymore. While you were probably thinking it was another generic low (the kind all relationships have sometimes), she was emotionally detaching and letting go. This other guy isn't even the primary problem, nor is his ultimatum to her to cut you off. The real issue is that she was in a place in which she was ready to let someone else in, at the expense of your relationship. That is the kind of emotional check-out that was going to lead to trouble, whether it was this specific person or someone else in the future. Meaning, if it hand't been this guy, it probably would have eventually been another one. 

The other point that stands out to me is the length of your relationship at your respective ages. You've been together a long time, so were both very young when you started dating. 19 and 21, or thereabouts? These relationships often run their courses simply because one party (or both) isn't really ready to commit to the same person forever without having done more exploring first. This might be particularly true in her case, given the enormous life changes she has undergone in the last few years. Sometimes that means the end of old relationships as one person changes and has different goals and desires. 

She handled it very poorly, and yes, is likely going to find that this new dude isn't all he's cracked up to be. However, she's also 34 and can make her own choices now. I know you don't want to see her get hurt and are wary about this man, but we can't save others from themselves. She is an adult and will have to learn some things the hard way. You are best to stay far away from that, and not be her support system. 

I think the best thing to do is work on accepting that this relationship is over. It wasn't working on several different levels, and she is not the person you thought you knew. There is a better match out there for you when you're healed and ready for it.