Affair partner's wife harassing me

[Whittliehartz]

I guess I should have known. Right? 

He wanted me to save him from her. I should have known she was indeed crazy and I should have never gotten involved. 

Our relationship was mostly an emotional affair, he was a coworker of mine. We got close because he confided in me about his feelings of depression and hopelessness in his marriage. He isn't especially likeable to most people and doesn't have any friends. Home life for him was/is living hell. He is married to a psychopathic narcissistic woman who only sees what he does wrong. We built a bond and connection, and he texted me a lot. His wife intervened a text he sent saying he missed me. She also saw that he said he felt he loved me unconditionally. 

Long story short, this wasn't the first time she had tried to intervene and she had been trying to control him and his whereabouts and everything about his personal life for awhile. He just kept finding ways to sneak around it. I should have let it go. I know I should have..but I didn't want to leave him vulnerable and alone. I realize now I enabled him to not stand up for himself and that I let him stay stuck in indecision. I really regret this. 

The day she intercepted his texts, be threatened to kill himself. She sent him away to the psychiatry ward and immediately began spreading lies and rumors. She texted me non stop terrible expletives, called me, mysteriously got my husband's number and wouldn't leave him alone. (I told my husband a majority of everything that happened and we are okay). She had her sister reach out to my husband, one of my best friends, possibly my manager (?) And she just isn't letting up or giving him a chance to heal. She is refusing to listen to anything he has to say and she refuses to see what she has done to contribute to this situation. I'm just so done with it. I've apologized and I really do mean it. I want them both to be happy but their relationship has been toxic for years. I'm frustrated that he won't stand up for himself. 

He got discharged from the hospital and is staying with his parents now. They took his phone away and they are treating him like a child. His wife and family members are all going through his phone and controlling him. He is so depressed and scared to lose his kids, and I feel like the weight of it all is just resting on my shoulders. 

I know his wife is the victim, but it was her controlling and victimizing mindset that has made this so much worse. I know he wants to leave her but I know he probably won't. And she is just going to continue onward with her manipulation, lies and harassment. I feel overwhelmed and she blames everything on me. 

What do I do? How do I let this go? There are way too many people involved in this. I feel lost. 

 

[preraph]

Hey, she is the victim here.  None of this would have happened if her husband and you weren't having an affair.  They both sound mentally unstable, so don't know why you're dabbling in this.  

[Whittliehartz]

Truth. You are right. 

It is one of those things that by the time I realized what was happening, it was already too late. Nothing but regrets here. 

[elaine567]

OK loads of regret on your part, but that doesn't help the fact you were having an affair with her husband.
She can't forget that.
Being betrayed is a big deal and will drive many people "crazy".
While she was trying to keep an eye on him and save her marriage he was sneaking around with you. 

28 minutes ago, Whittliehartz said:

Home life for him was/is living hell. He is married to a psychopathic narcissistic woman who only sees what he does wrong.

Par for the course with married men, they always paint a dreadful picture of their marriage and their wife, to get you hooked. 
Triangulation, they set up a competition between you and the wife... She is the harridan, he is the victim and you are his saviour...
She hates you for trying to steal her man, it is pretty much normal for a woman to go a bit mad when a guy is having an affair.
He sounds like the real crazy one,  and you lack empathy for the wife..

[Dreamer2017]

Dear Whittliehartz,

Through your entire post, you haven’t once shown any empathy for your husband and family.  Your post is primary on the fate and condition of your AP.  You need to focus on repairing the damage you have caused on your family.  Let your AP and his wife figure out how they want continue to function; They are not your business!!

Have you apologized to your husband and family?  Do you want to stay married to your husband?  You are lacking boundaries and morality. You must fix yourself, please concentrate on that.

 

Best,

Dreamer

[preraph]

41 minutes ago, Whittliehartz said:

Truth. You are right. 

It is one of those things that by the time I realized what was happening, it was already too late. Nothing but regrets here. 

It is never too late to get out and walk away. This is a big mess. I don't see why you'd want to take him on if he's that precarious. Just walk away.

[basil67]

If he's not a likeable fellow and has no friends, I'm going to suggest that there are very much two sides to the issues in their marriage.

[sandylee1]

If she found the texts, he should have been happy to escape from her, not threaten or attempt suicide. 

You're naive to believe everything he tells you about her.

[Amethyst68]

Ever thought your AP's BW is that way because of his manipulations? This man is obviously practised in sneaking around behind her back!

Good for her for getting him committed when he threatened suicide, he's probably used it as a threat against her once too many times.

As for you, I notice you're still not being 100% truthful with your husband, why not? Doesn't he deserve your honesty and your full input into your marriage. Although I doubt you are invested in your marriage and your husband, you're way too interested in your AP, his wife and their marriage. Does your husband know how much time you spend on your AP?

BTW, how do you know what's going on with your AP, his wife, family etc? You're not getting the thing about him being depressed and scared of losing his kids from his BW so are you still contact with him somehow?

You need to tell your BH the whole truth and go completely NC.

 

[pepperbird]

1 hour ago, Whittliehartz said:

I guess I should have known. Right? 

He wanted me to save him from her. I should have known she was indeed crazy and I should have never gotten involved. 

Our relationship was mostly an emotional affair, he was a coworker of mine. We got close because he confided in me about his feelings of depression and hopelessness in his marriage. He isn't especially likeable to most people and doesn't have any friends. Home life for him was/is living hell. He is married to a psychopathic narcissistic woman who only sees what he does wrong. We built a bond and connection, and he texted me a lot. His wife intervened a text he sent saying he missed me. She also saw that he said he felt he loved me unconditionally. 

Long story short, this wasn't the first time she had tried to intervene and she had been trying to control him and his whereabouts and everything about his personal life for awhile. He just kept finding ways to sneak around it. I should have let it go. I know I should have..but I didn't want to leave him vulnerable and alone. I realize now I enabled him to not stand up for himself and that I let him stay stuck in indecision. I really regret this. 

The day she intercepted his texts, be threatened to kill himself. She sent him away to the psychiatry ward and immediately began spreading lies and rumors. She texted me non stop terrible expletives, called me, mysteriously got my husband's number and wouldn't leave him alone. (I told my husband a majority of everything that happened and we are okay). She had her sister reach out to my husband, one of my best friends, possibly my manager (?) And she just isn't letting up or giving him a chance to heal. She is refusing to listen to anything he has to say and she refuses to see what she has done to contribute to this situation. I'm just so done with it. I've apologized and I really do mean it. I want them both to be happy but their relationship has been toxic for years. I'm frustrated that he won't stand up for himself. 

He got discharged from the hospital and is staying with his parents now. They took his phone away and they are treating him like a child. His wife and family members are all going through his phone and controlling him. He is so depressed and scared to lose his kids, and I feel like the weight of it all is just resting on my shoulders. 

I know his wife is the victim, but it was her controlling and victimizing mindset that has made this so much worse. I know he wants to leave her but I know he probably won't. And she is just going to continue onward with her manipulation, lies and harassment. I feel overwhelmed and she blames everything on me. 

What do I do? How do I let this go? There are way too many people involved in this. I feel lost. 

 

So he threatens to kill himself and you see it as a problem that she got help for him? if he was admitted, he obviously needed help. He is choosing to stay with his family, that's on him. Surely, as a big boy, he could stay elsewhere, get a different phone. etc.
Sounds to me like Mr. wishy washy is right smack where he wants to be. He;s got his wife, his family and you all in a tizzy while he gets to soak in all the attention.

Edited April 9, 2020 by pepperbird

[MilaVaneela]

1 hour ago, Whittliehartz said:

He got discharged from the hospital and is staying with his parents now. They took his phone away and they are treating him like a child. His wife and family members are all going through his phone and controlling him.

Hi. First post. 
 

This has nothing to do with “controlling” him. Limiting access to social media during/after a stay in a psychiatric facility is actually quite common especially if the person has been suicidal. 
 

Also, if he wasn’t truly suicidal (if they admitted him then he must have been at least in some sort of distress but in the event he wasn’t) then threatening to kill himself was incredibly manipulative, as others have stated. How long has he been doing this to her? What other manipulations and gaslighting has he subjected her to? He will tell you all the good stories about how crazy and awful she is, sure... but what made her that way? Why are his parents allowing her access to him if she’s as horrible as he says she is? 
 

(FWIW, my ex husband was a master manipulator and threatening suicide and self harm was a favorite tactic of his, along with blaming me for feeling that way.) 

[lana-banana]

You need to switch to whitelisting (i.e. only accept calls and texts from numbers you permit). I'm sorry she's harassing you, but this is not your responsibility. The damage you caused can't be undone and it won't be helped by having any further contact. Block all of them and do your best to start moving forward.

I'm also skeptical that things are quite the way he's portraying them. He can't leave her, he's being controlled, etc etc...while there may be some truth to it I think it's much more likely that his family does sincerely have his well-being in mind. I doubt you've ever gotten the full story of what's happening in his family. If anything his story is probably the least reliable.

Lastly, contrary to what you see in Hollywood and daytime TV, it is actually extremely difficult to have anyone involuntarily committed. If anything, the laws make it *too* difficult for family members to get help for their loved ones. [Famous story: Creigh Deeds, a state senator and AG in Virginia, repeatedly tried to have his son committed but wasn't able to even when he was making violent threats; his son eventually stabbed him in an attack and died of suicide.] What I'm trying to say here is that if he did indeed end up committed against his will, he had to be posing an unambiguous and immediate danger to himself and/or others. You should never have been engaging with someone so apparently sick in the first place. Of course, if you don't live in the states, then feel free to disregard.

Bottom line is you have to steer clear. Document all instances of harassment but don't respond or interact in any way. This isn't about you.

[sandylee1]

Threatening suicide is a common manipulatve tactic by abusers, to guilt their spouse into not leaving them, when they've had enough of their crap. 

You just don't know the half of it and should never have got yourself involved with this man.

[BaileyB]

The only people who have my concern are the children being raised in such an unhealthy home. My goodness, if things really are as you describe, those children are living in a situation that no child should ever have to experience. 

[mark clemson]

Some people appear incapable of believing an MM could actually be telling the truth about his wife being awful. I disagree. The affair may drive her crazy, but if she's incapable of controlling herself and not venting on you, she's probably been venting on him for years. Very unhappy but also weak and probably too insecure to just leave, so he turns to an affair in an attempt to feel better. Makes perfect sense to me.

Doesn't really matter if I'm right or wrong, your path is clear. Block them both. Don't accept harassment from her.

Consider talking to a lawyer to (a) look into anti-harassment/stalking laws in your area and (b) look into any legal recourse she may have against you as an affair partner. Hopefully she has none, but make sure in order to protect yourself. Then, if she circumvents the block, consider using the full force of law to put a stop to it. If you get her in some real trouble it presumably gets her off your back AND gives the poor slob husband a bit of justice as well. IF you decide to do something like that make sure to clear each step with a competent lawyer, just to ensure you're protected against attempts at retaliation.

Edited April 10, 2020 by mark clemson
sp.

[DKT3]

Its amazing how many wayward spouses thinking objecting to wayward behavior is controlling.  We read it here daily.

[mark clemson]

Since it's not his first time in an affair, it boggles my mind that she insists on trying to control him instead of just leaving. Maybe she can't stand to lose? Dunno.

At any rate, per what I suggested above, keep him mind telling your boss/work about the affair might be a way she could retaliate, so keep that in mind. Don't know if you need to worry about that or not. At any rate, you could in theory always threaten to show her boss her lovely texts if she does. Hopefully none of that would be necessary. Again, talk to a lawyer if needed.

Bottom line is you don't want either of these people in your life as you reconcile with your husband.

[GoldenR]

Quote

 (I told my husband a majority of everything that happened and we are okay).

So you left the sex part out, right?

[ExpatInItaly]

It sounds like this guy has played you something fierce, OP. 

He might be miserable in his marriage. But he's playing right into it and manipulating you all over the place, too. He is far from a hapless victim here. 

The same goes for you, as you know. You went along with it and contributed to the mess you see in front of you today. You are going to have to realize this man is not the man you badly wished he was, and he likely fed you plenty of BS along the way to support the "poor me" narrative that you bought. He's a doosh canoe, OP. A huge one. 

Cut all contact with him, forever. 

[Negotaurus]

The woman is traumatised, her HUSBAND, her partner in LIFE has stabbed her in the back over and over, yet all of you sit here, calling the betrayed crazy and acting as if they were lunatics? “She’s controlling because she doesn’t let her husband cheat”, give me a break..

Edited April 10, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Removed inappropriate comments.

[elaine567]

8 hours ago, mark clemson said:

At any rate, you could in theory always threaten to show her boss her lovely texts if she does.

OK but the OP was having an affair with her husband.
It is not as if the OP was innocently minding her own business and the "nasty" wife decided to pick on her, is it?
 

[stillafool]

14 hours ago, Whittliehartz said:

What do I do? How do I let this go? 

What has your husband advised you do about this?

14 hours ago, Whittliehartz said:

There are way too many people involved in this. I feel lost. 

You're right so remove yourself from their marriage and their business.

[Starswillshine]

Play with fire, you're bound to get burned. 

One of the first things discussed in affair recovery is to expose the affair. To everyone. The point of it is to have extra accountability partners. Also, for the BS, it is quite unfair to have her shoulder it all and having people blaming them for the fall of a marriage without knowing the truth. It is sad that society has taught many people that it is shameful to have been a BS. That's crap. 

It is also extremely common for people who want to save their marriages to give up all control in their lives for awhile. If they want the marriage, they have to stop talking to the AP. Get better boundaries. Perhaps even stop any sort of relationship with anyone of the opposite sex until they learn what is appropriate and what is not. This is common if you want to actually save your marriage.

He threatened suicide, that is all you need to know about how he feels about his family and home life. AKA, it isn't so bad because he WANTS it and is scared of losing it. 

She will lash out at you. She will lash out at him. Hurt people hurt people. You are not immune to that. Your husband deserves to know the FULL truth. 

Consequences.... 

[Fletch Lives]

14 hours ago, Whittliehartz said:

She sent him away to the psychiatry ward

 - I smell a rat 

[Prudence V]

16 hours ago, Whittliehartz said:

I feel overwhelmed and she blames everything on me.

Of course she would. It’s easier than blaming him, and she’s certainly not going to look in the mirror. 
 

She’s toxic. He’s (at best) a project. You don’t need any of that. Leave them to their own sad little lives. 
 

This is all so very familiar. Something similar happened at a former workplace, some years back. He (“WS”) was a senior professor. She (“BW”) a well-known politician. The “AP” was a graduate student, supervised by the “WS”. He got close to her (as graduate students and their supervisors do) and she learned of his unhappy M. She was supportive. He became dependant on her, professed love, followed her around like a sick puppy at work. Of course the controlling “BW” found out, confronted him - he had a “nervous breakdown” and disappeared into hospital. “BW” harassed the student, harassed anyone at work who foolishly answered her calls, tried to cause all kinds of problems for the poor woman using her political connections... It was ugly, and it went on for a long time. He stayed in hospital, and his colleagues had to cover for him because he “wasn’t well enough to return” because “BW” didn’t want him back near his student. Eventually the HoD had to step in and tell him he must either accept medical retirement or a phased return to work, and threatened to expose the “BW’s” harassment in the media if she wouldn’t back off. The student submitted her thesis and graduated and I don’t know what happened to her, but the professor and the politician are still together (he’s retired now, and so is she, sort of) and it seems as toxic as ever. After his hospitalisation he just kind of gave up, and became her poodle. 
 

OP, don’t become a footnote in someone else’s tragic tale. Star in your own life. These tiny people aren’t worth your time or energy. Get the law to protect you against her harassment and cut them both out of your life forever.