Affair partner's wife harassing me

[mark clemson]

3 hours ago, elaine567 said:

OK but the OP was having an affair with her husband.
It is not as if the OP was innocently minding her own business and the "nasty" wife decided to pick on her, is it?

A fair point. My thought is that the threat of doing this is effective because a "neutral" boss may see that this employee is capable of illegally harassing someone and may decide to terminate them or at least see them in a different light. However, it is possible that the boss might already like her or be sympathetic to her "story" and so it might, or might not, have little impact. I was thinking that it would be most effective as a threat to protect the OP rather than an action taken.

[Allupinnit]

Hell hath no fury as a woman scorned, as they say.  It's not unthinkable for a woman to go a little "crazy" when she finds out another woman's been banging her husband and threatening her life as she knows it.

Edited April 10, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Removed inappropriate comment.

[DKT3]

2 hours ago, Allupinnit said:

Hell hath no fury as a woman scorned, as they say.  It's not unthinkable for a woman to go a little "crazy" when she finds out another woman's been banging her husband and threatening her life as she knows it.  As was the case with your H's BW, as it would seem.  

To double down on this point, the whole "crazy" thing is his narrative.

Case and point, on another site there was a wayward wife who started posting and drew a picture of her husband being some controlling monster.  She gained a large sympathetic following, until her husband stumbled upon her postings. Come to find out, she was not only still having her affair but she was also a serial cheater and the control she claimed was actually the transparency she agreed to following her pervious affair. 

People tint reality to serve themselves.  OP actually has no clue as to why his wife is behaving the way she is, if she actually is.

Edited April 10, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Removed quoted inappropriate comment.

[Allupinnit]

A girl I knew in college was sneaking around with a married man and when his W found out she showed up at the OWs apartment banging on the door demanding a confrontation. When she refused to open the door the BW took a bat to the girl's car Carrie Underwood style!  The MM ended up going to rehab for his many addictions.  

 

[mark clemson]

7 hours ago, Negotaurus said:

The woman is traumatised, her HUSBAND, her partner in LIFE has stabbed her in the back over and over, yet all of you sit here, calling the betrayed crazy and acting as if they were lunatics? “She’s controlling because she doesn’t let her husband cheat”, give me a break.. 

 Not sure if that label was directed at me, if so I don't appreciate it. Regardless of that:

I happen to feel that the view that this particular BS has had little to do with her husband's current emotional state and actions is the clueless one. He's unhappy and he doesn't know how to communicate the full measure of his discontent in the marriage without it turning into even worse psychopathic, narcissistic (OP's words) abuse from her. He's given up on happiness with her and wants to leave, but he's also weak and so he cheats. That's not pretzel logic, it's a realistic and cogent view.

I find it strange the some BS's and/or advocates are unable to see that in some cases, the BS can be as big or an even bigger problem in a marriage than the WS. To me, that is the distorted view. This doesn't justify cheating, but a person who's unhappy enough may simply decide "F it" and start looking for happiness elsewhere. That does not change the fact that it's also true in many cases that the BS was a perfectly nice and decent partner who the WS took for granted or otherwise chose to betray. From what I'm seeing, for this particular situation that appears to NOT be the case.

I'm also confused as to why, if he's "stabbed her in the back over and over" as you say, she wants anything at all to do with him. What adds up for me here (based on what's been discussed so far) is that, much like a cheater who, after Dday, desperately wants their BS back, this particular BS has driven her spouse to want nothing to do with her, but now she's "flipped" emotionally and is trying to hang on to him, in her case using narcissistic bully tactics.

Exit affairs are a thing and that's widely recognized. A strong man doesn't let his parents take his phone away from him. He's weak, he hates his wife but he doesn't know how to leave, and so he's having exit affairs. I could be wrong, but it's a realistic, cogent take on the situation as described. Not pretzel logic at all.

Edited April 10, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Removed quoted inappropriate comment.

[mark clemson]

18 minutes ago, Allupinnit said:

A girl I knew in college was sneaking around with a married man and when his W found out she showed up at the OWs apartment banging on the door demanding a confrontation. When she refused to open the door the BW took a bat to the girl's car Carrie Underwood style!  The MM ended up going to rehab for his many addictions. 

I'm confused. Are we saying now that "crazy is ok" and being a BS justifies criminal behavior? If so, there's some real pretzel logic for you. Maybe we can add theft, extortion, and murder to the list of justifiable responses while we're at it.

(And I would note that this BS's harassment of the OP is recognized as a crime in many areas.)

Edited April 10, 2020 by mark clemson

[Allupinnit]

15 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

I'm confused. Are we saying now that "crazy is ok" and being a BS justifies criminal behavior? If so, there's some real pretzel logic for you. Maybe we can add theft, extortion, and murder to the list of justifiable responses while we're at it.

(And I would note that this BS's harassment of the OP is recognized as a crime in many areas.)

No - you miss my point entirely.  I'm saying that adultery CAN AND DOES make people lose sight of what is "right" or "wrong" because I can't imagine a more emotionally charged situation than an affair being discovered.  There are songs about it, entire shows about people losing their sh*t and beating someone up or trying to ruin their lives, in some states you used to be able to even sue the OW/OM for alienation of affection.  Otherwise rational people can go to great lengths to protect what is theirs.  Think about how parents lose it at refs when they feel their kid is being treated unfairly.  The heart is rarely rational and the pain of discovering an affair leads to sleepless nights, loss of appetite and concentration, and the range of emotions swinging back and forth daily between sadness and anger would leave anyone feeling like they're going insane. 

[mark clemson]

Fair enough, @Allupinnit that's a true and reasonable point. Not everyone reacts to the point of lashing out, but certainly some with underlying emotional weaknesses/issues do, and it's also possible for a pretty normal person to be "pushed past the edge" etc.

Personally, I don't think that's what going on in this particular case (in that I think this BS was a problem partner emotionally anyway), but the overall point is completely valid.

[Allupinnit]

Well honestly that's why you don't go dipping your rod in another man's pond - you don't know what you're getting yourself into.  Case in point - the OP.  

[Prudence V]

48 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

I find it strange the some BS's and/or advocates are unable to see that in some cases, the BS can be as big or an even bigger problem in a marriage than the WS.

Quoted for truth. 

[DKT3]

1 hour ago, mark clemson said:

 

I'm also confused as to why, if he's "stabbed her in the back over and over" as you say, she wants anything at all to do with him. What adds up for me here (based on what's been discussed so far) is that, much like a cheater who, after Dday, desperately wants their BS back, this particular BS has driven her spouse to want nothing to do with her, but now she's "flipped" emotionally and is trying to hang on to him, in her case using narcissistic bully tactics.

Exit affairs are a thing and that's widely recognized. A strong man doesn't let his parents take his phone away from him. He's weak, he hates his wife but he doesn't know how to leave, and so he's having exit affairs. I could be wrong, but it's a realistic, cogent take on the situation as described. Not pretzel logic at all.

The problem is very few affairs are actually exit affair before they get discovered.  Many times it isnt until the wayward spouse is faced with consequence does the thought happen. 

Why she wants anything to do with him? Likely the same diluted thinking that wayward spouses have in justifying the affair and then hiding it, to afraid of what actually confronting the issue will result in.

Truth is very few adults allow others to dictate to them unless it's in some way mutually beneficial.  IE not have to pay child support,  or having to get a job. So this idea that a WS is too weak is really flawed. 

[mark clemson]

10 minutes ago, DKT3 said:

Truth is very few adults allow others to dictate to them unless it's in some way mutually beneficial.  IE not have to pay child support,  or having to get a job. So this idea that a WS is too weak is really flawed. 

I respectfully disagree, but ok - you have your view.

[pepperbird]

6 hours ago, elaine567 said:

OK but the OP was having an affair with her husband.
It is not as if the OP was innocently minding her own business and the "nasty" wife decided to pick on her, is it?
 

Quite frankly, this is a dichotomy I have never really understood. An ow/om (or mm/mw for that matter) can play a huge role in helping to turn someone's life upside down, then they get upset and cry foul when the fallout lands on their doorstop.

Op, if she calls your workplace, don't answer. If she calls your phone, don't answer. Block her on all social media, and if she continues or threatens physical harm to you, call the police. Let them deal with it. If she's trying to contact your spouse, that's up to him to put a stop to it. If he chooses not to, that's on him.. It's not your place to do anything about it.

[pepperbird]

1 hour ago, mark clemson said:

Fair enough, @Allupinnit that's a true and reasonable point. Not everyone reacts to the point of lashing out, but certainly some with underlying emotional weaknesses/issues do, and it's also possible for a pretty normal person to be "pushed past the edge" etc.

Personally, I don't think that's what going on in this particular case (in that I think this BS was a problem partner emotionally anyway), but the overall point is completely valid.

I have always found it interesting how BS are held to a MUCH higher standard than anyone else. I mean let's be honest here. The OP isn't an awful, terrible person, but she sure made some horrible choices which I expect she would go back and change if she could. I don't think she ever intended to hurt her husband, or for that matter, her MM's wife and family. She simply got swept up in emotions and the situation got away from her.
While I think all of that is extremely hurtful, I can understand how people can get caught up in emotions. What I don 't understand is the way some will twist their minds/ethics into a pretzel to forgive the hurt this sort of behaviour causes , yet they will then turn around and blast BS if they exhibit even a small loss of emotional control. They suddenly become crazy, obsessive, horrible women ( or men) who should hang their head sin shame, not only for their reaction. but the overall failure of their marriage.

Who does that help?
 

[pepperbird]

op,

about his insistence that it's his wife;s fault he was admitted for mental health care.
You may want to rethink that. I have experience in the area, as both my oldest child and husband have been through the system. Being admitted for care, unless someone is actively saying they will self harm or harm someone else, is actually quite hard. It can't even just be a report from a. third party-it has to be the individual themselves sang they will hurt themselves or someone else.
Once they are stabilized, they are usually transitioned to community care. Part of that is avoiding social media and other stressors.
 

[MilaVaneela]

3 hours ago, mark clemson said:

A strong man doesn't let his parents take his phone away from him.

As I said before, this is not uncommon after a psychiatric episode that requires the patient to be committed, (having limited access to their devices or the internet), so it has little to do with strength of the person and more to do with the fact that the man’s psychiatrist possibly suggested it. 

Either way, as @pepperbird said (and yes I have experience with this process as well), it’s not easy to have someone involuntarily committed even when they ARE having legitimate psych issues had it right. The fact that this man was committed to a facility shows that he DID indeed trigger concerns on the part of 1) the courts and 2) the licensed medical professional that would have had to have examined him in order to have him committed. It’s not a simple process of driving the man up to the nearest “psychiatry ward” and dumping him there, not to mention the continuing treatment the man would have to receive upon being discharged from the facility.
 

 

While I agree that the BW shouldn’t have let loose on the OP and two wrongs NEVER make a right, no matter what, I don’t agree that she is this evil mastermind who managed to fool both the legal system and licensed medical professionals whose field is dealing with mentally unstable people, just to lock up the poor innocent AP with Nurse Ratched and ruin his poor life!!

 

(I know this is hyperbole but the language the OP used of “sent him to a psychiatry ward” “taking his phone like a child” “controlling him” is a bit ill-informed and paints a process designed to help the mentally ill in the worst possible light to aid her case against the BW. Again, the BW  handled her interactions with the OP incredibly poorly and was dead wrong in the way she went about it. She shouldn’t be doing that at all. But still, she isn’t evil incarnate either.) 

Edited April 10, 2020 by MilaVaneela
Clarify a thought

[mark clemson]

2 hours ago, pepperbird said:

While I think all of that is extremely hurtful, I can understand how people can get caught up in emotions. What I don 't understand is the way some will twist their minds/ethics into a pretzel to forgive the hurt this sort of behaviour causes , yet they will then turn around and blast BS if they exhibit even a small loss of emotional control. They suddenly become crazy, obsessive, horrible women ( or men) who should hang their head sin shame, not only for their reaction. but the overall failure of their marriage.

Who does that help?

I'm not sure why you quoted me in order to make general points, but okay.

There is no twisting of ethics, at least from my perspective. I'm not lauding this guy as some sort of hero. Nor is it solely about a reaction to the affair, it's about who this particular BS apparently was in general. As for the reaction to the affair, from what I read, this isn't a small loss of emotional control it's ongoing harassment of the OP, and probably a crime.

In a recent thread I noted that a BS who slapped her husband for flirting in front of her was probably ok to do that because he shouldn't have been doing that. That is a small loss of emotional control. Unless I read the OP wrong, the BS in this thread is on a full on harassment campaign. It doesn't sound like you're making excuses for that, but some prior posts sounded like exactly that.

IMO it helps OPs who are APs, like this one, to have someone giving them reasonably solid advice without simultaneously bashing them with negative adjectives, putting them on guilt trips for their past poor decisions, or recommending they take actions that could have serious negative repercussions for themselves and others without fully thinking through the potential consequences.

[Allupinnit]

Nobody is making excuses for lashing out in anger in destructive ways.  We're all just saying that it's UNDERSTANDABLE when they do, and you could argue that because it's so incredibly common it's not only the "emotionally stunted" ones who do it.  

EDIT: Having someone's BS after you could all be avoided by staying away from an affair in the first place.  People don't seem to understand that the best way to live your life is staying OUT of these situations in the first place rather than trying to clean up the inevitable mess and trail of broken hearts after the fact.  

Edited April 10, 2020 by Allupinnit

[stillafool]

2 hours ago, pepperbird said:

Quote

The OP isn't an awful, terrible person, but she sure made some horrible choices which I expect she would go back and change if she could. I don't think she ever intended to hurt her husband, or for that matter, her MM's wife and family. She simply got swept up in emotions and the situation got away from her.

Why does this always only apply to the OW and not the MM?  He too may have been swept up in emotions and the situation got away from him.  He more than likely hates hurting his wife and family when caught.  The Ow is no better than the MM.

While I think all of that is extremely hurtful, I can understand how people can get caught up in emotions. What I don 't understand is the way some will twist their minds/ethics into a pretzel to forgive the hurt this sort of behaviour causes , yet they will then turn around and blast BS if they exhibit even a small loss of emotional control. They suddenly become crazy, obsessive, horrible women ( or men) who should hang their head sin shame, not only for their reaction. but the overall failure of their marriage....and they should just hand over their spouse and walk away without a whisper.

 

[elaine567]

Seems the OP is more concerned about the continued "harassment" of the MM  by his wife and family which is now impacting her, than she was bothered about the "hate campaign" which sorted itself out to no real lasting damage.
Now she has to try and sort out the MM...

Trouble is, he is one damaged individual.
I guess this is not the first time the wife and family have had to try and sort out his messy mental state.
There is no doubt a bigger story here. 

The OP IMO needs to walk away and leave them all to it.

[MilaVaneela]

I will fully admit that my knee jerk reaction upon reading the first post in this thread (before it was moved from the infidelity forum) was more in favor of the BW due to personal experiences with my xH painting me as “crazy b*tch” whilst also manipulating and gaslighting me. I projected hard into the situation. That said, I was bothered by the tone and language used in reference to the AP being committed and the community care he was receiving afterward (and that whole ordeal seemingly being dismissed as yet another tactic of controlling the AP). 
 

That said, the BW acted very badly and my first post wasn’t well thought out to include that. On the other hand, her having her husband committed into psychiatric care when he was obviously enough of a danger to himself or others was a good move, unless the man’s episode going unattended and potentially resulting in serious injury or death (either of himself or someone else) was a better outcome?? 
 

My best advice for the OP would be to completely remove herself from the situation. The whole thing is a terrible, sad mess. 

 

Edited April 10, 2020 by MilaVaneela
Again clarifying thoughts

[Starswillshine]

28 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

Seems the OP is more concerned about the continued "harassment" of the MM  by his wife and family which is now impacting her, than she was bothered about the "hate campaign" which sorted itself out to no real lasting damage.
Now she has to try and sort out the MM...

Trouble is, he is one damaged individual.
I guess this is not the first time the wife and family have had to try and sort out his messy mental state.
There is no doubt a bigger story here. 

The OP IMO needs to walk away and leave them all to it.

This was my assessment as well. 

 

FWIW, we don't know what he has told his wife about the OP. He could be giving her all sorts of lines about the OP. How she is crazy and narcissistic, etc. etc.

What OP has posted does not sound like a controlling wife, but one who is taking care of her husband when he has a mental breakdown because of what HE did to his family. 

[Timshel]

4 hours ago, mark clemson said:

Personally, I don't think that's what going on in this particular case (in that I think this BS was a problem partner emotionally anyway), but the overall point is completely valid.

This opinion according to the original poster, who is cheating on her husband, who has been relayed information through her affair partner, a married man.  The information this forum has is through the OP, period.  There are two other adult betrayed spouses who do not have a voice here. 

The only proper advice is something any reasonable person would suggest...stop all communication with the affair partner, enter into individual counseling and if this man's wife continues to harass (though there is no further contact from OP) file a restraining order with the court.

This married man is either very twisted and/or very sick; walk away OP and find some professional guidance.

[mark clemson]

Don't disagree with your recommended steps @Timshel, they make a lot of sense. Again not sure why I need to be quoted as many others above have also given opinions on the "state" of the BS and the WS, but your advice is solid IMO.

Part of the reason for my specific read on the BS are the actions described by the OP (the phone harassment). Apologies if I'm beating a dead horse by mentioning that.

Hope everyone has a nice weekend!

[mark clemson]

2 hours ago, MilaVaneela said:

As I said before, this is not uncommon after a psychiatric episode that requires the patient to be committed, (having limited access to their devices or the internet), so it has little to do with strength of the person and more to do with the fact that the man’s psychiatrist possibly suggested it.

Just re-read your post. Fair enough. You are probably right and I stand corrected on that point. I still think he's (most likely) weak in other ways if he's been putting up with his spouse's apparent behavior for too long. Second time I'll apologize for beating that dead horse. No doubt he did make it worse by cheating on her. He should get away from her; she should let him go.

OP needs to stay away from both of them, no argument from me there...

20 hours ago, mark clemson said:

Bottom line is you don't want either of these people in your life as you reconcile with your husband.