Mullock Posted April 9, 2020 Share Posted April 9, 2020 I met this man on a dating site. I had no intentions of doing anything about it. I was just curious. Anyway, we kept talking. And the connection was amazing. Of course, it is a ldr. We live in different countries. I fell in love. And he knows I love him, but he doesn’t feel the same. At least, I assume he doesn’t. Ive asked if I mean anything to him and he assured me that I do. But I’ve broken up with him in the recent past when I found out he was keeping his options open. But he came back. But still keeps his options open. If he doesn’t want me, if I’m not his choice, why even bother with me? Is it possible that he doesn’t even see it as a relationship unless we meet? I know most people think of us as pen pals. How can you love someone you haven’t met, right? As it is, I’m pulling back, in the hopes that I can start getting over him. I just find it hard to deal with the fact he’s just been using me and has never felt anything for me. It hurts!!! I had kept hoping that he would feel something for me, but that hope is gone. It’s time to end it. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted April 10, 2020 Share Posted April 10, 2020 Did you two actually decide to be in a relationship together? I wouldn't suggest that if you've never met, of course, but I have to wonder if he has always viewed this online communication completely differently than you do. In other words, you're approaching this as if you are already in a relationship with him. Does he view it that way, though? He doesn't seem to. He's smart to keep his options open, given that he's never met you, but I would hope he's not telling you that you're his girlfriend at the same time. Is he? I am also not clear on how he was using you. Can you elaborate on what you mean? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mullock Posted April 10, 2020 Author Share Posted April 10, 2020 (edited) When we’d been talking for awhile I told him I took my profile down. But didn’t expect him to do the same. A few days later he told me he was taking his down because he wanted to focus on me... to be “ honest “ to what we have. Do that not mean we would be exclusive? As it is, he went back on that dating site while still with me, suggesting that he’s looking for someone else. As for using me.... Well, there is a saying dont accept a woman’s love if your not prepared to give it in return. He watched me fall in love. Encouraged it. Liked it. So... using my love to feel good? The sexting as entertainment? Anyway, as it is, I believe it’s over and done with so it’s a moot point at this time. I guess I’ll never understand him. Funny thing.... he’s from Italy. I mention that only because of your username Edited April 10, 2020 by Mullock Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted April 10, 2020 Share Posted April 10, 2020 He's got nothing invested in this. No, he doesn't see it as a relationship or even anything he should have any obligations in. You aren't in love with him. You have never even met him, unless I missed something. You can't tell anything by just communicating online. It's always a shock when you meet. It's nothing to him whether he talks to you or not. He's just talking to whoever whenever he wants to. You shouldn't even be staying in this getting invested and thinking you're in a relationship or in love, because you are not. You have never met him. It's easy to fall in love with someone you never met because you fill in the gaps in your knowledge with the "ideal man" in your head. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mullock Posted April 10, 2020 Author Share Posted April 10, 2020 As I’ve said, if you’d have read my reply, it’s over anyway. But I beg to differ. You actually can fall in love before you meet. My best friends parents were pen pals back in the day, fell in love, and are still married to this day. Their daughter met her husband online and they fell in love . Married as well. There are other people this happens to. On other ldr sites. It’s maybe not common, but it happens. I’d like you to say that to the couples that this has actually happened to and that are still happily married. So, don’t presume to know my feelings. You don’t know me. Im not some 16 year old girl all ga-ga over the neighbourhood heartthrob.I know his faults. And they aren’t minor. I didn’t ask for an opinion on MY emotions . I asked why he came back. If he has nothing invested, why bother? If he’s free to keep his options open, why come back to me. It’s not like I have him an easy time of it. Link to post Share on other sites
Fletch Lives Posted April 11, 2020 Share Posted April 11, 2020 Catfish. You don't even know if you two would like each other if you met. I would suggest meeting men locally. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mullock Posted April 11, 2020 Author Share Posted April 11, 2020 (edited) I would love to. But I live in a very small town where the majority of the people are old or married. It’s a very rural community. But I do know it can work. If I didn’t... I would never have tried. Edited April 11, 2020 by Mullock Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted April 11, 2020 Share Posted April 11, 2020 You want the fact he has come back and keeps coming back to you to be an indication that he MUST love you. BUT forget the assumptions and look at the facts. There is no fairy tale ending here. The examples you cite of long distance successful love, did not include I guess the man persistently keeping his options open, that tends not to signify "love". BUT getting into the depressing mindset of "He never cared for me he was using me" is not really helpful either and may not be true. If he now wants to date others then there is little you can do apart from grieve, heal and move on. You shared something good for a while but it was not meant to be... Onwards and upwards... Link to post Share on other sites
peaceminusone Posted April 11, 2020 Share Posted April 11, 2020 I empathize with you on this. It amazes me, that you knew he went back on dating site, despite the fact that he confessed to you about being 'serious and wanting to focus on you two' and yet you still didnt put him on 'NO CONTACT' Yes, it keeps his options open. And maybe, youre just a devoted lady for him online who is in love with him albeit the faults he's got. As you mentioned, he's had some benefits out of the relation, so why would he let go of them? That is why, he comes back to you. He acknowledges the power he's had or still has on you, so he cashes that. So the big question is, Will he be LOYAL? No. Even if he takes his profile down from that site or does whatever you tell him to, I highly doubt that. If that man, cannot make arrangements to meet you or to comfort you with rationality minus all the lust. He's not worth your salt, good woman. Have faith in yourself and heal yourself. LDR relationships work, but only if both the partners understand eachother well, consent communicate and console on timely basis. If they cannot or do not make arrangements for possible meetups , then it is not even a proper relationship and its just a time pass. I hope you take care and make the best decision henceforth. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted April 11, 2020 Share Posted April 11, 2020 Yes, I am in Italy as well, OP. This guy isn't "with" you in any sense of the word. He is most definitely looking for other women, but enjoys you company and the sexting for entertainment at his convenience. As such, he isn't coming back to you, because he's not invested to begin with. Don't waste any more time on him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
chillii Posted April 12, 2020 Share Posted April 12, 2020 No doubt he does feel something and enjoys your time and fun too , it's not to say he doesn't and so he still pops up. But unfortunately it's not sounding any more than that for him so that when nothing else is happening, he still pops back and forth to you . Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted April 27, 2020 Share Posted April 27, 2020 (edited) On 4/10/2020 at 5:16 PM, Mullock said: You actually can fall in love before you meet. Actually, you fall in love with the artificial construct of who you think they are/want them to be for you, not them. If you had known the real him isn't as invested in you as you are in him, you'd have been able to keep your perspective a little better. The "him" you built led your heart in a different direction than the real him, who is keeping his options open. Relationships are made in real time, face to face on a consistent basis, not over the phone in different countries out of the box. Had you two established this in person first before one of you moved to another country, that would be one thing. Edited April 27, 2020 by kendahke 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ShyViolet Posted May 2, 2020 Share Posted May 2, 2020 On 4/11/2020 at 5:20 AM, Mullock said: I would love to. But I live in a very small town where the majority of the people are old or married. It’s a very rural community. But I do know it can work. If I didn’t... I would never have tried. Don't waste your time having LDR's with people in another country. Meet someone online who is at least in your same country, maybe within a couple of hours away from you. Then at least there is a realistic chance that you could meet in person and have a relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
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