Ellener Posted April 10, 2020 Share Posted April 10, 2020 I had some nice dates on and around Valentine's Day with a nice man, I didn't want to see him again after as he was also dating someone else, he said well can we be friends. I said sure but after exchanging a couple of phone calls and an email he didn't respond to my last voice message. My question is- is the etiquette now to just leave it alone and forget about it, delete him from my phone etc.? I have plenty of friends, so it's not a big deal, but he was fun to exchange ideas and writing with. Do people ever stay friends who meet through dating? Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted April 10, 2020 Share Posted April 10, 2020 Most men aren't looking just for a woman friend. They'd rather be spending time dating. I mean, anything is possible, but no, most guys really aren't interested in sitting around shooting the breeze with women. I mean, sometimes friendships attach through work or special interests. I would just delete him from your phone. He was probably only being interesting and acting interested when he thought you were dating him. And a lot of guys who are otherwise occupied with other women view "friends" as you just agreeing to have sex without dating and expectations, especially with the fwb phenomenon going on, which confuses everything. I hope that goes away soon. It's all a con.  2 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ellener Posted April 10, 2020 Author Share Posted April 10, 2020 1 hour ago, preraph said: fwb phenomenon going on, which confuses everything. I hope that goes away soon. It's all a con.  yes, relationships with 'crossed boundaries' aren't a great idea. I'm not looking for casual sex but if I was the last people I would be with are my friends. Ok I'll just forget about him then. Maybe I'll keep the cute poem he sent me for Valentine's Day!   Link to post Share on other sites
Erik30 Posted April 11, 2020 Share Posted April 11, 2020 20 hours ago, Ellener said: Do people ever stay friends who meet through dating? Yeah, almost all of my female friends are girls I used to date. One of them I've known for over ten years now. But I do have to say though that it often doesn't work out... Usually because the other person was never really interested in a friendship. In my case, a girl would also just stop replying and I didn't bother to send her another message... sometimes you can tell they're not putting in any effort 1 Link to post Share on other sites
salparadise Posted April 11, 2020 Share Posted April 11, 2020 21 hours ago, preraph said: Most men aren't looking just for a woman friend. They'd rather be spending time dating. I mean, anything is possible, but no, most guys really aren't interested in sitting around shooting the breeze with women. I'd say this is mostly true, but not universally. I like having female friends because men are typically guarded with other men, so male friendships are often devoid of intimacy. Oh I enjoy guy friends too, but we mostly talk about things with motors, or work or another common interest. And most men in my demographic end up being die-hard Trump dudes, therefore we'd have to tippy toe around that. Most (if not all) of the women I've become good friends with I met through dating. Usually it's a situation where we connect on an intellectual level and have shared values, enjoy each other's company, but without the necessary sexual chemistry. What I find though is that it's difficult to maintain such friendships over time for the expected reasons. Speaking for myself (and perhaps is the case with OP's guy), if I find a woman sexually exciting and she doesn't feel the same, we're done. I will not hang around like an orbiter thinking I might get lucky someday (being miserable in the meantime). On the other hand, women seem to be willing to go along with it if they're attracted to me but I'm not making any moves (usually there will be an acknowledgement of that). But there has to be some intellectual synergy still in order for me to want to get together with them, and they have to be willing to do their part in keeping the plate spinning. I have two women friends right now that I am not spending time with. One because she caught feelings and wrote me a couple of long emails confessing it all. She finally gave up and said that maybe we could resume being friends once she gets laid real good by someone else. The second one is sidelined because she had this on again, off again thing with another guy, and right now she's giving him another try. She was hoping that our "friend" thing would turn into sex/romance, but after several months she went back to this dysfunctional relationship and he forbids her to spend time at my place. I was tempted to do FWB with her, but I know exactly how that would end. OP, my guess is that this guy is primarily interested in sex, and if you're not making yourself available in that sense, he's not interested in trying to pretend that's not his primary motivation. I'd say just let him go and don't chase. I don't know why you'd even be tempted to do otherwise. Were you hoping that by staying involved but withholding sex that he'd choose you and let the other one go? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
nospam99 Posted April 11, 2020 Share Posted April 11, 2020 When my 'lost love' and I broke up, she suggested we could 'still meet as friends'. Whether she was just 'softening the blow', only she knew. But in that moment, with the pain of breaking up fresh and overwhelming other emotions, I rejected the idea. Now, years later, I'm feeling pretty stupid about it. Not that we would have spent much time together as 'friends'. But there are certain things people do, for me particular seasonal hikes are a good example, seasonal because there is only a short timing window each year when it's 'special', where having a platonic opposite-sex companion to share it with makes doing it at all worthwhile. Add to that the circumstances that not every friend in ones life has the interest and physical capability to share those experiences. So correct etiquette to retain a non-romantic friendship can be very wise. I'm in limbo about posting links in my posts at the moment. But for people willing to bother to 'look it up', one example of an adventure I'd want to share with a either a romantic or non-romantic female friend who could handle it, is climbing Breakneck Ridge in the late spring or summer. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted April 11, 2020 Share Posted April 11, 2020 Sal, I have had male friends too, mostly that I met through work. I love male friends. But yeah, in general, short attention span for friendship unless you do develop some big common interest or bond.  1 Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted April 11, 2020 Share Posted April 11, 2020 stay in touch with him Ellener, he may turn out to be "the one". you never know Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted April 11, 2020 Share Posted April 11, 2020 I have guys that I've been friends with for several years, so in some cases sure, it's possible. The thing about friends though is they don't just ignore your messages. It may take them a while to respond if something big is going on, but if more than a few days I think it's likely they aren't interested in friendship. And in that case, yes, you let it go. You don't have to delete him from your contacts, just don't initiate any further contact and see if he reaches back out.      1 Link to post Share on other sites
Cookiesandough Posted April 12, 2020 Share Posted April 12, 2020 (edited) Very rarely do people become friends when just meeting on an online dating site. Not saying it can’t happen, it’s just rare. Most likely he wants to sleep with you, not be your friend, and  he agreed to it out of politeness. Continue to talk to him when he most likely wants to sleep with you is like dangling a piece of meat in front of a hungry animal. Lol. I wouldn’t be friends with a guy I knew was attracted to me in a dating sense even if he agreed, simply because it seems unethical  when I know how he feels... Edited April 12, 2020 by Cookiesandough Link to post Share on other sites
Blind-Sided Posted April 12, 2020 Share Posted April 12, 2020 Yes... it can happen, but it's not common if it was a "Dating" introduction. The couple female friends I have right now... and who have been around me for a long time either "liked" me, but I didn't want to date them (So already "Friended" in my head) or they were already married, and the relationship was friends from the start. (one I worked with) Now... back in college, there was a girl I chased for a while. She was sweet, and honest. We would go out, but it never got physical. (other than a few kisses) After a while... I realized we were on two different wavelengths, and I backed off. We stayed friends for a few years during school, and she was great to have around. Even now... if I run into her, we are nice to each other... but I do not seek her out for advice.  Just for the story... the reason it didn't continue as friends was, my senior year... she kind of got nutz, because I wouldn't drop everything I was doing to help her with an event. I was a DJ, and a musician, so I had sound gear, and she was in student ministry. She organized an event, and wanted me to bring out a full PA/sound system (not just a simple speaker/amp) set it up... play guitar... and then break it all down again. (She actually wanted my band to learn some rock/gospel and play, but I told her no)  This would basically have me doing a ton of work, and have to be at a half day event I didn't really care about. I offered to let her borrow a basic PA system, and she could have someone else set it up for her. BUT... she went crazy, and acted like it was the end of the world, and yelled/screamed at me... so I told her to get out of my dorm room. Later, I found out that she already promised the ministry club that I would perform and supply everything needed for their event, and was hopping to use any feelings I had left to talk me into it. Link to post Share on other sites
Lotsgoingon Posted April 12, 2020 Share Posted April 12, 2020 I know plenty of guys who like to be friends with women, including me. There are so many guys out there who, if they were to name the people they most feel comfortable sharing something important with, would list a bunch of women. Sometimes men find it a lot easier to talk to a woman about deep emotional stuff than they do talking to a man. So OP, if are being honest about wanting only to be friends ... and you really thought this guy had some special quality or energy ... or you thought he was plugged into certain networks ... or knew a lot about a certain area or subject you want to learn about ... then by all means lean in. Making friends is not incompatible with focusing on dating--friends who know other people that we don't ... can often connect us to different worlds and people that we weren't plugged into. Putting in a second call or continuing to reach out to someone you want to date-yes, you don't want to do that. But in making a friendship or really an acquaintance relationship--it's OK to put in several calls. You do this when the other person is worth the initiative ... and when some time with them serves your agenda.  1 Link to post Share on other sites
Cookiesandough Posted April 12, 2020 Share Posted April 12, 2020 (edited) Yea I suppose female friends have their place (she’s not his type, he wants to be around feminine, , she gives insight into female perspective etc).  However, this is a bit different because they didn’t start as friends and the only reason they aren’t still dating is because she sacked him Edited April 12, 2020 by Cookiesandough 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ellener Posted April 13, 2020 Author Share Posted April 13, 2020 On 4/11/2020 at 10:05 AM, salparadise said: Were you hoping that by staying involved but withholding sex that he'd choose you and let the other one go? I don't much care either way to be honest, his profile said he was looking for a relationship which I am too ( if anything! ) but he was pretty interesting to hang out with. I'm over-thinking it probably 'cos of the pandemic and stuff... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ellener Posted April 13, 2020 Author Share Posted April 13, 2020 On 4/11/2020 at 11:38 AM, alphamale said: stay in touch with him Ellener, he may turn out to be "the one". you never know 😆 Nah...I doubt it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ellener Posted April 13, 2020 Author Share Posted April 13, 2020 On 4/11/2020 at 10:19 AM, preraph said: big common interest we did some writing back and forth and I liked that. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SumGuy Posted April 13, 2020 Share Posted April 13, 2020 On 4/10/2020 at 12:08 PM, Ellener said: Do people ever stay friends who meet through dating? Rarely, and the lets be friends thing, though often a genuine sentiment, just often isn't practical to have time to build that friendship. I'd also be careful with this guy, if his idea was to date you and other women, his idea of "friends" may just be to keep you in obit until someday you agree to join the harem. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ellener Posted April 13, 2020 Author Share Posted April 13, 2020 1 hour ago, SumGuy said: agree to join the harem. depends what he can do from a six feet distance? 🤣 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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