Broke up Two Days Ago

[jackzv121]

So we have all been in isolation doing our stuff. My Ex and I haven't seen each other for about a month due to isolating. Two days ago she said that she has been thinking about us and that she wants to break up and be single (we had a few problems in the past but we worked through it). She was really upset when she broke up with me, she wasn't angry.

 

I messed up...I acted emotionally charged and pathetic telling her not to do it, so that has painted a bad image in her mind that I'm low worth etc etc, I've read all the stuff about no contact (which is what we are doing now and she intiated it).

 

My question is: Do I send a message to change her perspective of how I've taken this breakup? I.e tell her I think it's right thing to do. Or do I just leave it until she contacts me or doesn't?

 

Side note: We still have to exchange stuff when the quarantine is over, do I wait till then to show her how I've reacted to it? And if we do exchange stuff how should I be?

 

I want her to see this as a mistake if possible but I'm also open to moving on.

 

thanks

[jackzv121]

Yeah I know that already, didn't really answer my question

[schlumpy]

If you don't mind sinking further in her estimation of you then go ahead and send the message.

I don't think you can supply a cogent argument to get back together until you understand the root of why she wants to be single again. I would suspect another love interest.

This is a time to be strong so you don't add to your misery with memories that you won't feel good about such as you begging her to come back.

First make sure there is not a reason for contact her anymore. Get anything of yours out of her hands and mail back anything of hers so she has no excuse to look you up in the future. Any pictures or memorabilia should be disposed of in a emotionally satisfying manner.

 After we are all freed from out communal prison you should avoid going to places that the two of you went to as a couple.

Go to the Chump ladys website and look up the "180."

Rely on friends and family for company.

Rearrange some the furniture in the house to create a new perspective. Buy some colorful floor rugs or put up some new pictures. 

If she tries to contact you again in the future require she has to knock on your front door, drop to her knees and crawl into your living room. Otherwise there is no sense in taking her back.

I don't mean that literally but it was a fun image.

She has to do something to convince you that she is sincere. One of her friends calling and asking you contact her doesn't do it. A flirty text testing the waters is not what you want.

Think about all the times in the past where you did something you wished you take back. Don't add to the list.

[jackzv121]

Thank you, that was the exact sort of post I needed. I'll just outline a few things, it definitely isn't another love interest, I know this for a fact. She suffers with anxiety, depression and she's very socially awkward unless she's trying to impeess someone. I know her better than anyone, we have a great connection it's just been tainted by a few things that I think are fixable. I know this sounds beta or whatever and I have definitely emotionally prepared for her to leave my life for good but because it's not really my wish, I want to at least try the re attraction cards.

 

so you think a message will make me go further down in her estimations? Can you explain why if you have the time, cheers. I will check out the 180 also.

 

So you suggest play her at her own game and mail the stuff back? It's possible to mail, so should I do that as opposed to her meeting up option? She said we will say goodbye properly then? What should I do here?

Edited April 11, 2020 by jackzv121

[Ellener]

2 hours ago, jackzv121 said:

if we do exchange stuff how should I be?

Put all her stuff somewhere together easy/quick for her to get and add a ( very ) brief note saying something like 'sorry we didn't work out, wishing you all the best'.

Yes, mail it. Not as a game- as the goodbye, why draw things out with drama? Unless that's what you want ( and lots of people do! )

 

[jackzv121]

I don't want to drag it out per say, I'm looking at it in the lense of either breaking up or getting back together at some stage... either will do. Is mailing the stuff better for getting back togethee at some point?

 

and should I block her if she hasn't blocked me on social medias and whatsapp?

Edited April 11, 2020 by jackzv121

[schlumpy]

31 minutes ago, jackzv121 said:

so you think a message will make me go further down in her estimations? Can you explain why if you have the time, cheers. I will check out the 180 also.

So you suggest play her at her own game and mail the stuff back? It's possible to mail, so should I do that as opposed to her meeting up option? She said we will say goodbye properly then? What should I do here?

She has already firmly stated she wants out. If you try to cajole her back she will only resent you further for making things harder for her and will believe that you don't take her seriously when she makes a statement. Yes, I do think that will lower you in her regard.

Follow Ellener's advice. It's the best way to protect yourself.

Show her that you respect her by believing what she says. Don't rationalize that you know her mind better then she does and that you are the guy for her. She will only come to exact opposite opinion.

I know how hard it is so, not meeting her face-to-face is the best way if your emotions are going to control what comes out of your mouth.

Good luck.

[jackzv121]

Well what should come out of my mouth in a face to face?

 

and should I block her now? She doesnt want to block me she said.

[schlumpy]

16 minutes ago, jackzv121 said:

I don't want to drag it out per say, I'm looking at it in the lense of either breaking up or getting back together at some stage... either will do. Is mailing the stuff better for getting back togethee at some point?

 

and should I block her if she hasn't blocked me on social medias and whatsapp?

Yes, you have to block. You have to make a serious statement that she can feel if you want any chance of a reconciliation. You cannot be someone who will be there when SHE decides she wants you. That's not a relationship. That's plan B.

[Ellener]

I had a friend years ago who told me ( indirectly as a gentle warning against my own ridiculous marriage I guess ) 'if it's so difficult it's not meant to be...'

I didn't listen of course 🙂

Took me about twenty years to 'get' it...with hindsight it should have taken about twenty minutes 😄

[schlumpy]

1 minute ago, Ellener said:

I had a friend years ago who told me ( indirectly as a gentle warning against my own ridiculous marriage I guess ) 'if it's so difficult it's not meant to be...'

I didn't listen of course 🙂

Took me about twenty years to 'get' it...with hindsight it should have taken about twenty minutes 😄

Ellener, I feel like we are tag team in a wrestling match.🙂

[schlumpy]

3 minutes ago, jackzv121 said:

Well what should come out of my mouth in a face to face?

 

and should I block her now? She doesnt want to block me she said.

If you run into her just be civil. If she starts something about your past relationship and how she want's to be friends - shut her down and walk away. No friendship. It's a relationship or nothing. You can't be her friend with the feelings you have. You will just get trapped in a situation you have little control over.

[jackzv121]

If I block her, she will have to contact me through her sister to get her stuff back in a month of so though. I'm quarantined with family until I go back to the place I rent and back to work.

Difficult things can work and they also don't work, I understand both those notions.

Blocking her makes a statement but it also might hurt her and push her away further???

 

[schlumpy]

1 hour ago, jackzv121 said:

Blocking her makes a statement but it also might hurt her and push her away further???

 

She may want to stay in touch so she can ease her way out by showing you how friendly she is and that you should be more understanding.

Any decision you make right now is a risk so, you make a decision that is in your best interest. She has already determined what her interest is and it is not you. Hear the message she is sending and respond in an appropriate manner.

It's your choice. I'm not trying to force you down a path you do not want to travel. If you want to be her friend then do so. If you want to wait until she's finished figuring out what she wants then do so. You have to live with the consequences of these decisions.

If she is your first serious relationship then maybe you will have to self immolate. Everybody has gone through the shredder at least once. That's how we know not to do it again. There isn't a better teacher then experience.

[preraph]

2 hours ago, schlumpy said:

She has already firmly stated she wants out. If you try to cajole her back she will only resent you further for making things harder for her and will believe that you don't take her seriously when she makes a statement. Yes, I do think that will lower you in her regard.

Follow Ellener's advice. It's the best way to protect yourself.

Show her that you respect her by believing what she says. Don't rationalize that you know her mind better then she does and that you are the guy for her. She will only come to exact opposite opinion.

I know how hard it is so, not meeting her face-to-face is the best way if your emotions are going to control what comes out of your mouth.

Good luck.

That right there.  She's probably never going to come back, but if she did, it would be because you acted like a man and kept your dignity and respected her wishes and didn't go begging right now and moved on and started dating others.  Good luck. Sorry this came as a shock.  Lots of changes here in the middle of this virus thing.

[jackzv121]

It's not my first serious relationship, I'm 25, old man now, I've had about 3 other serious relationships.

I know you're not trying to send me down any path, I just want to know what my next best steps are with regards to our stuff back are and how my RESPONSE to that will give her the best possible perspective of me in her mind.

She doesn't want to stay in touch until we exchange stuff that's my point.

I'll block her it that will make me look stronger? What will blocking her likely make her think?

 

[d0nnivain]

What would you do under normal circumstances?  You know not to beg & chase so don't do that now. 

Do send a message because you have to talk about the stuff.  I'd say something like this: 

If you think it's best to break up, then we're broken up.  When the quarantine is over we can make arrangements to exchange our stuff. 

But that is about it.  Let her go.  Be true to your word.  

Nurse your broken heart but never let her see your upset. 

[jackzv121]

We have already made arrangements to get stuff. Okay so my main problem is this:

I already made myself look stupid by getting emotional when she broke up with me.

 

I want her to think I'm okay with it - two days ago she got the impression I wasn't.

 

So do I  A: text her something that makes me look alright with the break up. a final message until the stuff is exchanged. or B: Does it make me look stronger and better not messaging at all?

[Yosemite]

24 minutes ago, jackzv121 said:

I already made myself look stupid by getting emotional when she broke up with me.

 

I want her to think I'm okay with it - two days ago she got the impression I wasn't.

Why? So that she’ll start to wonder why you're ok with the break up and will view you as a challenge and that will re-attract her? That’s PUA nonsense. It’s normal to be hurt, upset and to display emotions during a break up. She decided to break up with you before you ever displayed your hurt emotions during the break up, so your theory that she wouldn’t break up with you if you hadn’t displayed emotions during the break up doesn’t make sense. 

If you somehow manage to convince her that you’re perfectly OK with the break up and feel nothing, she’ll simply conclude that you never cared about her in the first place and she therefore made the correct decision to break up with you.

Since you can’t erase her memory of you showing emotions when she broke up with you, acting like you’re OK with the break up now will simply make you look like your emotions are swinging wildly from one extreme to the next. Not attractive. Maybe stop trying to manipulate her and try being honest. 

You have to understand that she had reasons to break up with you. She called you with the intention of breaking up with you. How you reacted during the break up didn’t influence or change anything.

You’re in the bargaining phase. If I just pretend to not care about the break up, she’ll find me irresistible and will want me back. Very unlikely that it will work out like that.

5 hours ago, jackzv121 said:

(we had a few problems in the past but we worked through it).

She obviously doesn't agree which is why she broke up with you.

[ExpatInItaly]

28 minutes ago, jackzv121 said:

I want her to think I'm okay with it - two days ago she got the impression I wasn't.

This is really nowhere near as relevant as you think it is, OP. 

I promise you it doesn't make much difference to her how you handled the break-up. She might feel less guilty for hurting you if you try to show her you're cool with it now, but that's probably about it. You're the only one who is concerned about how strong/weak you appear. I don't say that to be harsh, but rather to remind you that you're fretting about something that just isn't likely to be flickering on her radar very much. 

[preraph]

Every contact you make will just make you look more pathetic now.  It's normal to have an emotional reaction to breaking up.  Your goal now is to stop caring WHAT she thinks, and I realize that's still a long ways off.  

[jackzv121]

preraph, that's all I wanted to know. And I've reflected on it, any contact would look pathetic. And to everyone else, I know it doesn't matter how she perceives me because she was gonna do it anyway.

I know everyone is trying to tell me to accept that it's over but we've got a good month until we exchange stuff back, if we do it in person I'll just keep a calm head and "be a man" as you guys are saying.

If she tries to hug me when this happens how should I respond? Because she likely will, she's more emotional than you guys have portrayed in the posts and can be very very impulsive.

[schlumpy]

3 hours ago, jackzv121 said:

If she tries to hug me when this happens how should I respond? Because she likely will, she's more emotional than you guys have portrayed in the posts and can be very very impulsive.

Which is why you should not do a face-to-face. She's only going to use the meeting to ease her own conscience and that's not what you want. And you will spend the next upteen days trying to figure out how you could have made a better impression. You will get nothing out of the meeting that will help you come to terms with the break-up.

Get a friend of hers to deliver her stuff with the note the Ellener suggested. Anything else is just you hoping for a different outcome.

 

[jackzv121]

I agree with you, I would spend however many days trying to figure it out. I forgot to mention that she said on the phone : "If I see you, I'm afraid I'll want to get back with you." So a hug from her will be a I miss you hug, not an ease of her conscience. This is why it's very difficult for me to figure out what to do, suggesting a friend pick the stuff up will deprive her of seeing me. And in your eyes that's good because it'll help her move on at this stage.

[schlumpy]

No Jack. It will help you move on. She didn't ask for advice. My only concern is for you come out of this in the best possible position considering you are not going to get what you want.

If she is missing you so much, why is breaking up?