Broke up Two Days Ago

[jackzv121]

It will help me move on correct. But given how fresh the break up is I'm not the one who wants to move on at the moment am I. You could be right, it could be unsaveable and it likely is but there are good aspects.

 

I'm not saying she misses me so much...I'm telling you what she said, she said she is scared she will want to get back with me when she sees me.

This is someone who suffers from depression and irratic behaviour, it's not as clear cut as you're saying to just throw away 2 years down the drain.

My point is if she wants to meet up and exchange stuff I shouldn't deny her the meet up, I think? I dont know!

[Foxhall]

Id be reluctant to go against the wise posters above, the only thing I would say things like break up conversations and similar are better done face to face,

sometimes people get confused over emotional and can misrepresent themselves in written form such as texting

personally Id hold back say very little now but have it out with her in person in a few weeks time,

deep down your not ready to walk away I sense

a lot of people are quivering mentally with the current climate so Id refrain from making an absolute final decision at this point.

 

[preraph]

Yeah, texting certainly not the way, but whatever they're used to.

[preraph]

3 hours ago, jackzv121 said:

preraph, that's all I wanted to know. And I've reflected on it, any contact would look pathetic. And to everyone else, I know it doesn't matter how she perceives me because she was gonna do it anyway.

I know everyone is trying to tell me to accept that it's over but we've got a good month until we exchange stuff back, if we do it in person I'll just keep a calm head and "be a man" as you guys are saying.

If she tries to hug me when this happens how should I respond? Because she likely will, she's more emotional than you guys have portrayed in the posts and can be very very impulsive.

So you think she's going to try to be "just friends" with you and cry on your shoulder about her future man problems and lean on you to unstick the toilet?  Hugging, I don't see why you'd put yourself through that.  Maybe have someone else there with you and maybe she will have someone helping her move her stuff and there won't be opportunity for that. 

[preraph]

32 minutes ago, jackzv121 said:

I agree with you, I would spend however many days trying to figure it out. I forgot to mention that she said on the phone : "If I see you, I'm afraid I'll want to get back with you." So a hug from her will be a I miss you hug, not an ease of her conscience. This is why it's very difficult for me to figure out what to do, suggesting a friend pick the stuff up will deprive her of seeing me. And in your eyes that's good because it'll help her move on at this stage.

Hey, if she's wavering, then again, your best move here is to do no crying or begging and just take care of business and be strong.  If you do not coddle her letting her "be friends" or fixing her garbage disposal and just become unavailable for that, then maybe she WILL have a chance to wonder if she's doing the right thing.  But if she knows you're sitting there miserable ready to take her back at the drop of a hat or be her friend or do things for her, she has no incentive whatever to 1) miss you or 2) realize she really is about to lose you forever if she doesn't do something definitive.  She has to "lose" something.  Don't be available for her if she keeps contacting unless she openly says she made a mistake and wants you back and will go to counseling.  Don't make any promises at all to her about staying in touch.  If there's anyone you want to go out with, do it.  Sure she may not want you, but I bet she will be shocked to find she also doesn't want anyone else to have you.  But don't lead some poor woman on just to do it.  You may know someone or just be able to go out as friends until you're ready for more and that might give her pause.  I always tell everyone when people are slipping away to get social.  

[jackzv121]

@Foxhall, I'm more than holding back, I haven't spoken to her full stop since it happened. The plan was to get the stuff back when this nightmare finally ends. Yeah, I can't make a final decision on it IF (and that is an if) in a month her feelings change, while I won't welcome her back into a relationship I would have her on talking/meeting terms again. 

 

Preraph, no I'm not expecting to be "friends" I understand that could never work. I'd put myself through that because that's her reaching out to me, she would be coming to me.

[preraph]

I wouldn't block her until she has her stuff back.  Once that's over, then you decide.  She doesn't want you to because she wants you to sit and hope and wait.  You do need to not give her any reason to think you're doing that.  In fact, you can let her know that once she has her stuff, you are moving on.  

 

If she has mental health problems, you have to decide how many times you would like to go through something like this with her.  

[jackzv121]

Thank you preraph and Vespil, this is alo stuff I am familiar with and I get it. But in relation to it my MAIN CONCERN  is whether I do the exchanging of stuff in person or not after this month? Saying I want to do it through mail and friends sounds petty and might push her away surely.

[jackzv121]

Yeah Raph, I mean I obviously like the girl but going through it is tedious. For me the good outweighs the bad but obviously not for her at this stage. I wanted to be the one that got her out of this depression and constant health anxiety but it controls her like crazy. Maybe getting rid of me might help her heal, I should look at it like that. I've decided Vespil is right, I'm not going to block her, there is absolutely no point. Plus if she blocks me eventually that will just help me later on move forward

[preraph]

Well, what you don't want, I assume, is her in your home taking things that don't belong to her.  Have someone else there with you, a brother, a father, someone she won't misbehave in front of.  That way it can't get too personal.  

 

The other thing I want to remind you of is you are both pretty young.  Not too young to have a serious relationship or anything, but still at the age when relationships don't always last because there are active social lives and endless possibilities.  If she's getting her stuff, she's not about to stay anyway.  If she decides to stay, she needs to figure that out over this next little while before she gets her stuff.  

Edited April 11, 2020 by preraph

[Yosemite]

 

33 minutes ago, jackzv121 said:

This is someone who suffers from depression and irratic behaviour, it's not as clear cut as you're saying to just throw away 2 years down the drain.

What were the reasons she gave you for the break up?

Is this the first time she's broken up with you?

You haven't said one positive thing about her. Maybe she doesn't want to be with you anymore because she feels that you look down on her.

She doesn't view it as throwing away two years especially since you admit that there have been problems. It might feel reassuring to you to paint her as impulsive/erratic for not wanting to date you anymore, but it will help you in your next relationship to reflect on and understand the reasons that she broke up with you.

 

[jackzv121]

You're right and if she decides to go then I see no point in having the things done in person???, we are talking minor things, clothes, underwear, that jacket she has been looking for for ages, a few pictures, her laptop. I'm guessing I should dispose of the cute stuff and memories then.

Yosemite I can say a million amazing things about her but that doesn't really help me here. Yeah we've had problems, all relationships have had problems, or at least most at one point or another. Me painting her erratic is nothing to do with me wanting to date her, she knows she has deep mental issues and I have always been there for her, through thick and thin. always. But I'm not going to get emotional about that.

Reasons: she wants space, feels like she needs to be single due to mental health ultimately. I don't think the quarantine has helped anyone, im NOT using that as an excuse, but when we are apart from each other we struggle

[preraph]

You know, I'm going to bring up one more possibility of why now.  If she hasn't ever lived on her own, she may really need to in order to develop and grow and find out who she really is when she's not getting influence and input from a bf or her parents.  Not saying this is it, but it's something everyone should do in order to really mature.  Maybe having this time apart reminded her of that.  It is a kind of freedom, you know.  It might be good for both of you.  

 

Agreed, if you don't want to be there and you can get all her stuff together and send it or put it out on the porch for pickup, do it -- but DON'T FORGET TO GET YOUR KEY BACK!!!  You must not let her keep that key or she will be coming round right when you start dating someone to mark her territory and scare her off, even if she doesn't want you.  Tell her, Don't forget to leave the key. But chances are she will want to come in to see if you missed anything.  In that case, let her while you're not there if that's what you want, but write her and tell her not to forget to leave the key outside once she's locked up.  I have a feeling she's going to be calling you up sniveling when she gets down and expect you to just take it, but you certainly don't want her just showing up.

 

And if you aren't waiting until quarantine is over, then you could put her stuff out now, but I kind of think you might want to give her some time in case she has second thoughts, no more than a couple of weeks or until quarantine is over though.  

Edited April 11, 2020 by preraph

[jackzv121]

She has never lived on her own, she's 24, I'm 25. She has only ever lived at my place and I feel she doesn't quite grasp money and neither has she felt that independence. Her family are always there for her if things go wrong, no doubt she has told them everything already.

I won't give her a key or the opportunity to go in. This isn't about valuables and she knows that, I completely trust her with that side. She's not all bad.

I hope you're right about the calling up bit (guiltily haha). I won't just chuck myself back though, I'll be much more level headed and light hearted this time if that's what occurs.

I've quarantined down with my family so I'm not actually at my place until work resumes and this has calmed down. I'll give it to the end of quarantine but I am sure in this time her decision will still be the same and in which case I won't exchange in person her sister can take the stuff.

 

The very sad thing is I know deep down she will want to see me that day, She still loves me, she told me. Romantically she said she loves me still as well. It's just gone flat she said...and i put it down to her mental health and quarantine but i definitely could have been a little better recently but her mental health is hard but it's what we were trying to conquer. I'm actually in the UK so I'm hitting the hay, speak to you tomorrow and thank you so much for your help Preraph

[preraph]

55 minutes ago, jackzv121 said:

Yeah Raph, I mean I obviously like the girl but going through it is tedious. For me the good outweighs the bad but obviously not for her at this stage. I wanted to be the one that got her out of this depression and constant health anxiety but it controls her like crazy. Maybe getting rid of me might help her heal, I should look at it like that. I've decided Vespil is right, I'm not going to block her, there is absolutely no point. Plus if she blocks me eventually that will just help me later on move forward

Aw, fixing her is above your pay grade.  She needs professional help and even then, it might not work.  You really can't fix people like that.  

 

Once she has her stuff and you see if she's still trying to communicate and it's just keeping you upset, then you can block her or just tell her to stop.  

[EmilyJane]

You didn’t mess up. It does not make you low worth to ask someone you love to keep trying to work on a relationship rather than throw it away. Because this is what you were doing. 
1. It means you are strong. You weren’t afraid of the things normal pathetic people are in break ups - about how they appear - trying not to lose face. That is a ridiculous thing to worry about when being told someone wants to leave a relationship you’ve invested a lot in. 
2. it means you are highly emotionally intelligent - you can identify your emotions and act on them very fast. 
 

So don’t do that to yourself. Don’t let social expectations about break ups inform your self esteem. You get to decide. Not wanting to break up doesn’t make you worth less than someone who doesn’t. 
 

But on the main thing. There is nothing in this world you can do to control how someone else sees you. It’s just not in your sphere of influence. She will see you however she does regardless of anything you do or don’t do. We aren’t the sum of our actions or how others view us. We have core selves and intrinsic value.  If you ever read my post history you’ll see I learnt all these the very hard way and I have let it affect how I see myself. I don’t want that for you. 

Sit with your feelings quietly. Don’t do anything else. Let yourself feel whatever comes up but use the quiet observer part of your brain to take note of what the feelings are and remind the emotion feeling bit of you that it won’t feel the negative ones forever. 
 

Then you will know what to do. You will also know for certain what your motivations are for making contact. I think it might not be to control how she sees you. 

I’ve never thought the sticky at the top of this page about the no contact method  was psychologically sound and I dislike how it disrespects this forum user’s individuality. Sure it’s a hard painful way to get over someone. But it’s not the only way and doing it that way means you miss out on the growth and learning from breaks ups - that mean you don’t need some stupid pop psych method written by a man (who are like so well known for their superior emotional intelligence *rolleyes* ) with no qualifications a billion years ago to handle break ups 
 

Anyway. If you follow my advice, come back on here afterward and ping me - I’ll help you work out what to say or do or not do or say with you. 
 

I’ve been in serious relationships since I was 12 plus on this forum since Jan 2012 (I kept forgetting my logins and have to make a new profile). I’m that girl - you’ll know her, we are everywhere - the one that everyone is with right before they meet the one. Who people say “how is she still single?!?” because they are so supportive, affectionate, sweet, funny, kind and pretty (or I used to be anyway). But it’s because we are the girl that is the first taste of having a supportive unconditional loving girlfriend but they have no experience to compare so they f*** it up and hurt and twist us. But they now know exactly what they want so they get out there and find one almost exactly just like us/me. 
 

 This means you’d be pretty hard pressed to find anyone with as much break up and bad relationship experience as I do. I’d rather use that to help people so my pain is transmuted to good for other people. So the offer is there if you want it xx

Edited April 12, 2020 by EmilyJane

[jackzv121]

3 hours ago, EmilyJane said:

You didn’t mess up. It does not make you low worth to ask someone you love to keep trying to work on a relationship rather than throw it away. Because this is what you were doing. 
1. It means you are strong. You weren’t afraid of the things normal pathetic people are in break ups - about how they appear - trying not to lose face. That is a ridiculous thing to worry about when being told someone wants to leave a relationship you’ve invested a lot in. 
2. it means you are highly emotionally intelligent - you can identify your emotions and act on them very fast. 
 

So don’t do that to yourself. Don’t let social expectations about break ups inform your self esteem. You get to decide. Not wanting to break up doesn’t make you worth less than someone who doesn’t. 
 

But on the main thing. There is nothing in this world you can do to control how someone else sees you. It’s just not in your sphere of influence. She will see you however she does regardless of anything you do or don’t do. We aren’t the sum of our actions or how others view us. We have core selves and intrinsic value.  If you ever read my post history you’ll see I learnt all these the very hard way and I have let it affect how I see myself. I don’t want that for you. 

Sit with your feelings quietly. Don’t do anything else. Let yourself feel whatever comes up but use the quiet observer part of your brain to take note of what the feelings are and remind the emotion feeling bit of you that it won’t feel the negative ones forever. 
 

Then you will know what to do. You will also know for certain what your motivations are for making contact. I think it might not be to control how she sees you. 

I’ve never thought the sticky at the top of this page about the no contact method  was psychologically sound and I dislike how it disrespects this forum user’s individuality. Sure it’s a hard painful way to get over someone. But it’s not the only way and doing it that way means you miss out on the growth and learning from breaks ups - that mean you don’t need some stupid pop psych method written by a man (who are like so well known for their superior emotional intelligence *rolleyes* ) with no qualifications a billion years ago to handle break ups 
 

Anyway. If you follow my advice, come back on here afterward and ping me - I’ll help you work out what to say or do or not do or say with you. 
 

I’ve been in serious relationships since I was 12 plus on this forum since Jan 2012 (I kept forgetting my logins and have to make a new profile). I’m that girl - you’ll know her, we are everywhere - the one that everyone is with right before they meet the one. Who people say “how is she still single?!?” because they are so supportive, affectionate, sweet, funny, kind and pretty (or I used to be anyway). But it’s because we are the girl that is the first taste of having a supportive unconditional loving girlfriend but they have no experience to compare so they f*** it up and hurt and twist us. But they now know exactly what they want so they get out there and find one almost exactly just like us/me. 
 

 This means you’d be pretty hard pressed to find anyone with as much break up and bad relationship experience as I do. I’d rather use that to help people so my pain is transmuted to good for other people. So the offer is there if you want it xx

Hi Emily, thanks for the reply. I know I didn't mess up and that it doesn't make me low worth but in my eyes trying to talk her round to getting with me again would be the last thing I would want to do right now, I don't think she feels anything positive at the moment.

You're right we aren't the sum of our actions or what we did or didn't do but I don't wanna come across like I'm unwilling to move on, I am willing to move on but I also still want her. But you're right that's out of my control.

I think if I sit quietly with my thoughts it will just upset me, sure I'll think of all the good things but also the bad things. The good things will just make me feel pain, moreso than the bad things. I get it can help you grow though.

What I want to do isn't  an option. She told me not to speak to her (until we exchange stuff) so that's what I am doing, I respect her choice. Contacting her will make it worse. We briefly "broke up" once before and didnt talk for three days and she contacted me and sobbed that she missed me and wanted to chat, she never really lost me. She needs to actually lose me for good to know what she wants, and like the others said, it's not me - right now at least.

That is a sad story Em, have you managed to work out why it stops working out? I'm sure you've thought of many reasons and not quite come up with a definitive answer. But it's good you're transmuting your energy to others and maybe we can help you back.

It is going to be hard for me to know what to say to her, but as I said she told me not to contact her until we exchange stuff. So I have to hold her to that, she doesn't wanted to be tempted to contact me either, that's what she said.

 

Exchanging the stuff is my biggest issue right now but I have heard people say that's not the be all and end all. She might not even want to meet for it, who knows.

Edited April 12, 2020 by jackzv121

[jackzv121]

12 hours ago, preraph said:

Aw, fixing her is above your pay grade.  She needs professional help and even then, it might not work.  You really can't fix people like that.  

 

Once she has her stuff and you see if she's still trying to communicate and it's just keeping you upset, then you can block her or just tell her to stop.  

If she is still trying to communicate I'm gonna want to communicate with her, I'd still rather have her in my life than not.

[preraph]

Just don't let her presence in your life prevent you from dating other women and being able to maintain relationships with other women. Because most women will not put up with you having an ex around especially if they're leaning on you or tugging at your heartstrings periodically.

[ExpatInItaly]

16 hours ago, jackzv121 said:

I agree with you, I would spend however many days trying to figure it out. I forgot to mention that she said on the phone : "If I see you, I'm afraid I'll want to get back with you." So a hug from her will be a I miss you hug, not an ease of her conscience. This is why it's very difficult for me to figure out what to do, suggesting a friend pick the stuff up will deprive her of seeing me. And in your eyes that's good because it'll help her move on at this stage.

A lot of dumpers say this, OP, as a way of making excuses not to see their ex. It doesn't necessarily make it true. Most just don't want the hassle and guilt that comes from a face-to-face meeting with someone they've just dumped. I would take that claim from her with a grain of salt. 

In any event, don't worry now about what will happen in a month. At the rate the pandemic and quarantine are going, it could well be longer than month before it's even possible to see her anyway. Re-evaluate how you feel when and if the occasion arises, and don't get hung up on the minutiae (ie. the possibiliy of a hug) that aren't significant right now. 

[jackzv121]

2 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

A lot of dumpers say this, OP, as a way of making excuses not to see their ex. It doesn't necessarily make it true. Most just don't want the hassle and guilt that comes from a face-to-face meeting with someone they've just dumped. I would take that claim from her with a grain of salt. 

In any event, don't worry now about what will happen in a month. At the rate the pandemic and quarantine are going, it could well be longer than month before it's even possible to see her anyway. Re-evaluate how you feel when and if the occasion arises, and don't get hung up on the minutiae (ie. the possibiliy of a hug) that aren't significant right now. 

Well she is the one who has suggested meeting to exchange items not me. And I think it's a genuine thing her being afraid she would want me back because that's what happened when we had space for a few days before. She just wants to learn to unlove me, I genuinely believe that, i know she loves me but she doesn't want to be with me whether that's right now or ever, and I have to respect that.

[jackzv121]

2 hours ago, preraph said:

Just don't let her presence in your life prevent you from dating other women and being able to maintain relationships with other women. Because most women will not put up with you having an ex around especially if they're leaning on you or tugging at your heartstrings periodically.

I don't think she will be trying to contact me but it's hard to say at this stage. This lockdown will have potentially changed her mindset forever. I don't think I'll want to date for at least three months. I love this girl, today is proving a hard day

[jackzv121]

6 minutes ago, Vespil said:

That's because you're making it out to be that way. Cmon man at least be honest with yourself if not with us. You view that meetup as one more opportunity to see her, one more chance to try to say or do something that will magically change her mind. You're second guessing what she might be thinking even now and that is counterproductive on so many levels. You really need to be getting into the mindset that it's over. That YOU are over it.

Pack up her stuff and drop it either at her place, or better yet with some trusted third party who can tell her she can come get her stuff wherever that might be.

Even if you don't emotionally feel like moving on, start acting like it and it will start to happen on it's own.

 

I sadly agree with you. My point is I don't think she will change her mind...BUT if she wants to get the stuff in person won't doing it through someone else be petty? She might see that as me being a jerk

[preraph]

You really have GOT to stop caring what SHE wants at this point about these little things.  Yes, respect her decision to leave, but you don't need to worry about whether doing something like returning her crap to her some other way will make her mad or whatever.  She kind of gave up the privilege of getting to call the shots.  Do what feels right to YOU, that's all.  And if that's waiting for her to deign to come get her crap, then fine, but what if she just puts it off or comes and gets her jacket and computer but leaves her other crap for you to store or something like that?  Then what are you going to do?  She has no urgency.  

[jackzv121]

13 minutes ago, preraph said:

You really have GOT to stop caring what SHE wants at this point about these little things.  Yes, respect her decision to leave, but you don't need to worry about whether doing something like returning her crap to her some other way will make her mad or whatever.  She kind of gave up the privilege of getting to call the shots.  Do what feels right to YOU, that's all.  And if that's waiting for her to deign to come get her crap, then fine, but what if she just puts it off or comes and gets her jacket and computer but leaves her other crap for you to store or something like that?  Then what are you going to do?  She has no urgency.  

I don't know what feels right to me right now but I don't think time will help me figure that out. I don't think doing it in person will change the outcome. Then again, if she says in a few weeks or whatever that she will get someone else to do it I'll just say that I was going to say the same thing. There is no urgency because we are all stuck in this hell at the moment.