Dumpee's Revenge: How to get over the bitterness?

[PureAtmosphere]

I recently broke NC with someone that I was involved with a few years back. We met as juniors in college and it was an instant sexual connection but she had a boyfriend. This didn't stop us from eventually hooking up and being each other's "first" girl on girl encounter. She started feeling guilty (mentioning that when she was having sex with him she would think of me) and she decided to stop fooling around with me. Weeks later, she came back - saying she told her boyfriend about me and that he was "open" to her having sex with me.

Eventually she ended up "dumping" me after our most intense sexual encounter. She called me hours later, asking if I had feelings for her. I admitted that I did and she ended things with me on the spot. I was so crushed, humiliated and ashamed of myself for allowing myself to be used. I didn't expect for her to be in love with me but I at least hoped she'd have some compassion once she saw me in such a vulnerable state.

Eventually we both graduated and I moved to another city (but same state). I kept no contact until she reached out to me. She was studying abroad and telling me how it reminded her of me and how she was reminiscing about all of "our" songs that we shared together. During this time, my online business was picking up and I was gaining a little bit of online "fame". She even messaged me to say how people were posting my work all over her newsfeed on FB. This was 4 years ago - I brushed it off and carried on with my life and online business.

Fast forward to last year - I was traveling throughout Italy (where her family is from) and EVERYTHING reminded me of her. I eventually got drunk and sent her a text stating that I was in Italy and she was on my mind. She responded that she was thinking of me as well and asked if we could meet up in person. She even asked if I was moving back to the town we both met. I felt thrown off by her response and cordially told her that I didn't think it would be a good idea to meet up. I'm not going to lie - I got so excited when she proposed that we meet up. It was like "finally" but then a part of me felt ashamed that she had that much power over my emotions. 

A few weeks later, I texted her saying that I was going to be in town soon and I was open to meeting up. We set up a date and location but then I ultimately stood her up. I was scared of being too emotional during the meet up. I wasn't sure if it was a "friendly/friend zone - "let's meet for coffee" type of meet up so I decided to just opt out. I ultimately drunk sexted her three weeks after standing her up and  to my surprise she responded very well. Told me how happy she was to hear from me and we both exchanged sexually suggestive messages to one another. Ultimately, she ended up asking when we could meet and I dodged the question by leaving her on read.

Now that Covid-19 has impacted our state, I guess she wanted to reach out to see how I was doing. She ended up finding me on one of my business social media accounts, lurking on my IG stories and sending me a DM. I instantly snapped at her - telling her to stop lurking on my social media and "stop pretending to care". I ultimately was blunt with her and said - Look, we are never going to meet in person so there is no point in us continuing to speak to each other. I ended it with "take care of yourself". It hurt me to write it but it also felt good. She apologized for bothering me and complied with my wishes to be unfollowed.

How do I move forward without feeling all of this bitterness towards what happened between us? I am glad I ended it completely and cut off all contact but a part of me feels that I need to deal with all of this residual anger and bitterness. My ego still feels bruised about how she ended things 6 years ago. I intentionally snapped at her because I knew I had the upper hand in the moment and I wanted her to feel the slightest inkling of what i felt 6 years ago. She's used to getting her way so it was nice to reject her and actually mean it. I mean, how long are we going to send "I'm thinking about you texts". That s*** gets old. Plus, I am leary of her motives - do you only want to meet up because you see I have a huge online following?  I want to move forward and stop thinking about what "could have been".  Any thoughts?

P.S. I know that as the "other person" I don't expect to get any sympathy. That is understandable. I was not a victim but I still cared deeply about her. I just want to move forward. 

tl/dr - I had an affair with girl who has a boyfriend in college. I got "dumped" by girl and eventually graduated, changed locations and moves on with my life. Dumper reaches out to me while they are studying abroad and when they see I am becoming successful in my online business. I ignore her advances at first until I eventually drunk text her because she was on my mind. My "ex" (the dumper) keeps asking to meet up but I kept finding excuses to blow her off or leave her on read.

Months later, Dumper (ex) reaches out again during quarantine to say hi to me. I get mad and tell "ex" to stop lurking on my social media and that we are never going to meet up again and to never speak to me again. I feel relieved but still feels the residual bitterness due to years of pent up anger - wants to move forward. Any thoughts?

[Allupinnit]

This is needless drama in your life.  You stood her up and ignored her after reaching out to her as well.  What is that all about?  Seems very immature.  

 

[FMW]

With the way you feel, of course don't have any contact with her whatsoever.  Sounds like you don't at the moment, but keep it that way, forever.  She wasn't able to give you what you needed, don't set yourself up for more heartache.  

You need to work through your bitterness, either with counseling or by taking the time to process the experience.  Recognize and acknowledge all the red flags that you surely ignored along the way.  Seeing your part in allowing her to hurt you will dull some of the anger and make you realize that you have a lot of control over what happens with future relationships, giving you back some of the power you felt you lost (which comes out in the bitterness). 

Holding on to the anger and bitterness and solely blaming her for what you're going through is disabling and dis-empowering.  So actively seek counseling or self-help books and other publications (google "anger" and "bitterness" and how to get past them).  Don't just helplessly stew in your feelings.    

[PureAtmosphere]

7 minutes ago, Allupinnit said:

This is needless drama in your life.  You stood her up and ignored her after reaching out to her as well.  What is that all about?  Seems very immature.  

 

I didn't meet up with her because it was causing too much anxiety worrying about her motives. I was scared we would end up hooking up again or worst - she would friend zone me. 

[PureAtmosphere]

7 minutes ago, FMW said:

With the way you feel, of course don't have any contact with her whatsoever.  Sounds like you don't at the moment, but keep it that way, forever.  She wasn't able to give you what you needed, don't set yourself up for more heartache.  

You need to work through your bitterness, either with counseling or by taking the time to process the experience.  Recognize and acknowledge all the red flags that you surely ignored along the way.  Seeing your part in allowing her to hurt you will dull some of the anger and make you realize that you have a lot of control over what happens with future relationships, giving you back some of the power you felt you lost (which comes out in the bitterness). 

Holding on to the anger and bitterness and solely blaming her for what you're going through is disabling and dis-empowering.  So actively seek counseling or self-help books and other publications (google "anger" and "bitterness" and how to get past them).  Don't just helplessly stew in your feelings.    

I definitely blame myself for the ordeal. As I stated in the original post - I recognize that I was the other person and therefore not a "victim". Thank you for the advice. I'm just waiting for the moment when I can think of her and feel nothing. 

[Allupinnit]

5 minutes ago, PureAtmosphere said:

I didn't meet up with her because it was causing too much anxiety worrying about her motives. I was scared we would end up hooking up again or worst - she would friend zone me. 

I understand how you felt and would have felt the same way - I've been there.  

It seems like you were worried about either outcome of the meeting so deep down you knew it was a mistake to reach out, but I think you were also hoping for the chance to reject her back.  Unfortunately it probably doesn't affect her now like it did you 6 years ago; people move on and maybe she was just curious about you and doesn't have anyone else in her life at the moment.

I hope you can put this to rest in your heart and move on in a healthy way.

Edited April 11, 2020 by Allupinnit

[salparadise]

25 minutes ago, PureAtmosphere said:

My ego still feels bruised about how she ended things 6 years ago. I intentionally snapped at her because I knew I had the upper hand in the moment and I wanted her to feel the slightest inkling of what i felt 6 years ago. She's used to getting her way so it was nice to reject her and actually mean it.

By setting ego aside and embracing the fact that you're both fragile, fallible human beings. She couldn't tolerate the vulnerability, intensity and loss of control that was occurring between you. She was afraid of losing herself, so she bailed. It was an emotional, defensive, survival reaction triggered by an intolerable degree of anxiety and discomfort as to where it was headed. If you accept that it was her weakness and immaturity that caused it, rather than a malicious act intended to hurt you, perhaps you can process it differently and not carry this animosity toward her. She may have been ready to try again, but your pain and ego had you in self-protection mode this time and you rejected her. Love requires courage and the willingness to risk another heartbreak. Ego has to be tamed. Understanding and forgiveness is how you let go and get ready for another venture.

[PureAtmosphere]

1 minute ago, Allupinnit said:

I understand how you felt and would have felt the same way - I've been there.  

It seems like you were worried about either outcome of the meeting so deep down you knew it was a mistake to reach out, but I think you were also hoping for the chance to reject her back.  Unfortunately it probably doesn't affect her now like it did you 6 years ago; people move on and maybe she was just curious about you and doesn't have anyone else in her life at the moment.

I hope you can put this to rest in your heart and move on in a healthy way.

Thanks for the response. It wasn't about rejecting her - I stood her up because I was afraid of not being able to handle my emotions around her. It's one thing to talk via text it's another thing to be face to face with someone that you once cared about. It was throwing me off of my focus and making me too anxious.

She asked me to meet up with her again multiple times after I stood her up. I understand being curious about me after all these years but why keep asking to meet up when I keep showing you through my actions that I'm not willing to meet up? 

[PureAtmosphere]

3 minutes ago, salparadise said:

By setting ego aside and embracing the fact that you're both fragile, fallible human beings. She couldn't tolerate the vulnerability, intensity and loss of control that was occurring between you. She was afraid of losing herself, so she bailed. It was an emotional, defensive, survival reaction triggered by an intolerable degree of anxiety and discomfort as to where it was headed. If you accept that it was her weakness and immaturity that caused it, rather than a malicious act intended to hurt you, perhaps you can process it differently and not carry this animosity toward her. She may have been ready to try again, but your pain and ego had you in self-protection mode this time and you rejected her. Love requires courage and the willingness to risk another heartbreak. Ego has to be tamed. Understanding and forgiveness is how you let go and get ready for another venture.

Thanks for the response. 

It wasn't the fact that she ended it - it's how she did it. She didn't even want to meet up in person - just ended it over the phone when we had just had our most intimate sexual experience an hour earlier. As soon as I told her I had feelings for her, she and her roommate started screaming "NOOOOOOO" over the phone in disgust. The "break up" wasn't even a 1 on 1 conversation. It felt like I was ambushed. She even told me she was talking about it with her roommate. As a matter of fact, she spent more time talking about it with her roommate then she did me - plotting ways to get rid of me.  All I got was a "It's not you, it's me". Does that sound like someone worthy of letting my guard down for?

Now she wants to meet up and "talk"? Why should I go through the anxiety and discomfort of giving her a forum to speak to me face to face when 6 years ago she did not extend the same curtesy to me?

This isn't about love. I don't care about loving her or displaying my love for her. I care about how I can do the work to love myself so that something like this can never happen again. 

[salparadise]

2 hours ago, PureAtmosphere said:

Why should I go through the anxiety and discomfort of giving her a forum to speak to me face to face when 6 years ago she did not extend the same curtesy to me?

I'm not saying you should necessarily. Your question in the original post was, "How do I move forward without feeling all of this bitterness towards what happened between us?" My response was mostly addressing that. And what I can tell from this latest response is that it's still a whole lot about ego and feeling disrespected. Hey, I've been there too, so I know how much it sucks... but you gotta let that stuff go (which is a process) if you want to get rid of the intense feelings. Forgiveness would be for your benefit, and you wouldn't even have to tell her, just do it quietly within. It probably takes more than a couple of decades to tame an ego, but it's a worthwhile endeavor. People who achieve that are virtually immune to insults; an unchecked ego combined with an overly sensitive core that makes it sting so bad. 

I'll recommend a book that could be a game changer for you. A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle. Of course you'd need to be ready for deeper awareness, and to integrate change; perhaps you are. Tolle is Christian and he references that a few times, but this isn't a religious book at all––it's philosophical, almost Buddhist. Which is another suggestion; read some Buddhist philosophy. You are the one generating these thoughts and feelings, and you have the ability to stop.

 

Edited April 12, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Ellener]

7 hours ago, PureAtmosphere said:

Any thoughts?

The best revenge is living a happy life as the saying goes...forget about her, no more drunk texting ( anyone ) + ignore any and all attempts to contact you, and get some counselling for the residual feelings.

[lana-banana]

11 hours ago, PureAtmosphere said:

tl/dr - I had an affair with girl who has a boyfriend in college. I got "dumped" by girl and eventually graduated, changed locations and moves on with my life. Dumper reaches out to me while they are studying abroad and when they see I am becoming successful in my online business. I ignore her advances at first until I eventually drunk text her because she was on my mind. My "ex" (the dumper) keeps asking to meet up but I kept finding excuses to blow her off or leave her on read.

Months later, Dumper (ex) reaches out again during quarantine to say hi to me. I get mad and tell "ex" to stop lurking on my social media and that we are never going to meet up again and to never speak to me again.

So you both make some mistakes in college (it's college; that's what that time of your life is for) and when she repeatedly reaches out to you later you stand her up, blow her off, and then finally tell her to ignore you forever. That's an abominable way to treat anyone regardless of what triggered it. Why are YOU so bitter? Of course she was going to eventually end your affair. You're complaining about feeling used, but you knew she had another partner. How did you expect it to end? Anyway, you've treated her horribly, no doubt in hopes of getting some kind of revenge for yourself. Congratulations! You got what you wanted. 

The truth is you don't "get over" anything by hurting someone else. Inflicting pain never feels better, not for long. You get over bitterness by moving on. That doesn't mean deciding everything is fine and that you should be friends, etc. You can still despise the other person if you want, and in many times you should. But you can acknowledge pain without letting it affect you anymore. Yeah, someone hurt you. It sucks. But giving way to bitterness and resentment will hurt you even more, as you're learning now. 

If you were more emotionally mature I'd suggest you apologize to her. You treated her terribly and she was willing to put up with it---probably because she thought she deserved it, or at least could understand why you were hurting. But you're not in any state to have more contact with her. Maybe you'll be the one reaching out a few years down the line when you realize how needlessly cruel you were. Maybe not. For now she deserves to heal and be left alone.

[ExpatInItaly]

11 hours ago, PureAtmosphere said:

 She asked me to meet up with her again multiple times after I stood her up. I understand being curious about me after all these years but why keep asking to meet up when I keep showing you through my actions that I'm not willing to meet up? 

Is that what this is about? Are you somehow testing her to see if she keeps trying even when you freeze her out and ignore her?

[FMW]

Here's the thing OP.  I think that how she ended it with you was very hurtful and even humiliating and you haven't been able to work through that yet, very understandable. 

I'm not sure exactly what you mean by "I brushed it off", but just Ignoring her first attempt to reach out to you about your business success would be understandable.  You don't owe her a response after how she ended it with you.

You initiated the text in Italy, so there was nothing wrong with her suggesting you meet up, she probably felt really bad about the past and saw it as a chance to let you know.  Your initial decision to NOT meet up was again, understandable.  

You again initiated a text, bringing up getting together and you even made arrangements.  It's again understandable that you had second thoughts, but the proper thing to do in this situation was to let her know ahead of time that you changed your mind about being able to handle it, not just stand her up.  And that should have been the end of it.

But then you again initiated contact and engaged in "sexually suggestive" texting.  Most people would find that as an invitation to keep the communication going, even if you didn't jump on the opportunity to schedule a get together.  There was nothing wrong with her trying one more time to set up a get together, the nature of your texting indicated you were at least a little receptive. 

Given all of that, there was nothing wrong with her then checking up on you during this pandemic.  There is nothing wrong with you telling her you don't want to be in touch any longer either, but "snapping" at her wasn't warranted, she didn't do anything wrong since your last contact had been left open.  

Just let it end here. You're clearly (and understandably) not able to have her in your life. You said you are waiting for the moment you can think of her and feel nothing.  Just waiting isn't going to work unless you actively take steps to process it all and move on.  Anger and bitterness can grow if not handled properly.  

[PureAtmosphere]

10 hours ago, lana-banana said:

So you both make some mistakes in college (it's college; that's what that time of your life is for) and when she repeatedly reaches out to you later you stand her up, blow her off, and then finally tell her to ignore you forever. That's an abominable way to treat anyone regardless of what triggered it. Why are YOU so bitter? Of course she was going to eventually end your affair. You're complaining about feeling used, but you knew she had another partner. How did you expect it to end? Anyway, you've treated her horribly, no doubt in hopes of getting some kind of revenge for yourself. Congratulations! You got what you wanted. 

The truth is you don't "get over" anything by hurting someone else. Inflicting pain never feels better, not for long. You get over bitterness by moving on. That doesn't mean deciding everything is fine and that you should be friends, etc. You can still despise the other person if you want, and in many times you should. But you can acknowledge pain without letting it affect you anymore. Yeah, someone hurt you. It sucks. But giving way to bitterness and resentment will hurt you even more, as you're learning now. 

If you were more emotionally mature I'd suggest you apologize to her. You treated her terribly and she was willing to put up with it---probably because she thought she deserved it, or at least could understand why you were hurting. But you're not in any state to have more contact with her. Maybe you'll be the one reaching out a few years down the line when you realize how needlessly cruel you were. Maybe not. For now she deserves to heal and be left alone.

 

I find it hilarious that you are painting me to be some kind of villain and her as a victim. We are both accountable for how we treated one another. The only victim in this was her partner. 

There were many instances throughout our "dynamic" where she went out of her way to belittle me simply because she knew I liked her. I have not received an apology for any of her past actions and I never will.  I wasn't perfect - but I never disrespected her or took her for granted - if anything I was too emotionally available and she lost interest and took me for granted. 

I knew full well things were going to end between us. It wasn't the fact that she ended it - it's how she did it. I understand you don't have the full story because you only read the "tl/dr". Here are the nuts and bolts that I left out of the story: She didn't even want to meet up in person with me -  she just ended it over the phone after we had just had our most intimate sexual experience an hour earlier. As soon as I told her I had feelings for her (over the phone), she and her roommate started screaming "NOOOOOOO"  in disgust. The "break up" wasn't even a 1 on 1 conversation. It felt like I was ambushed. She even told me she was talking about it with her roommate. As a matter of fact, she spent more time talking about how to end it with me with her roommate than she did talking to me direct. All I got was a "It's not you, it's me" (her exact words).  When we met up the next day in passing and I asked if we could talk she looked at me and said "What do you want to talk about?"  rolled her eyes and walked away.  Does that sound like someone worthy of a second chance?

Why on earth would I apologize to her? She hasn't apologized to me for ending it with me in such a cowardly and inconsiderate way. She showed me her true colors that day so there is no amount of sweet words or "meet up" sessions that can undue her actions. She is not entitled to a second chance just because she is now ready to talk it out. It's too late.

 Why should I go through the anxiety and discomfort of giving her a forum to speak to me face to face when 6 years ago she did not extend the same curtesy to me? She is not a priority in my life.  I have every right to refuse to see her or speak to her. I have every right to change my mind about meeting up with her. Just as she had every right to end things with me when she wanted to. 

So what I stood her up - she came back didn't she? Goes to show you that people don't respect you until you start prioritizing yourself. 

As far as her healing, she is going to be fine. We were not in a relationship and she was not in love with me so what is there to heal from? Her bruised ego? Her realizing her former lap dog grew a pair and has better options now? I am the one whose feelings were unreturned. The only thing she needs to heal from are the consequences that come from taking people for granted in life. You don't learn from mistakes like that by getting second chances. All she had to do was let me down easy and compassionately via a 1 on 1 conversation but she chose to be an insensitive ass about it instead. 

 

 

 

 

[PureAtmosphere]

7 hours ago, FMW said:

Here's the thing OP.  I think that how she ended it with you was very hurtful and even humiliating and you haven't been able to work through that yet, very understandable. 

I'm not sure exactly what you mean by "I brushed it off", but just Ignoring her first attempt to reach out to you about your business success would be understandable.  You don't owe her a response after how she ended it with you.

You initiated the text in Italy, so there was nothing wrong with her suggesting you meet up, she probably felt really bad about the past and saw it as a chance to let you know.  Your initial decision to NOT meet up was again, understandable.  

You again initiated a text, bringing up getting together and you even made arrangements.  It's again understandable that you had second thoughts, but the proper thing to do in this situation was to let her know ahead of time that you changed your mind about being able to handle it, not just stand her up.  And that should have been the end of it.

But then you again initiated contact and engaged in "sexually suggestive" texting.  Most people would find that as an invitation to keep the communication going, even if you didn't jump on the opportunity to schedule a get together.  There was nothing wrong with her trying one more time to set up a get together, the nature of your texting indicated you were at least a little receptive. 

Given all of that, there was nothing wrong with her then checking up on you during this pandemic.  There is nothing wrong with you telling her you don't want to be in touch any longer either, but "snapping" at her wasn't warranted, she didn't do anything wrong since your last contact had been left open.  

Just let it end here. You're clearly (and understandably) not able to have her in your life. You said you are waiting for the moment you can think of her and feel nothing.  Just waiting isn't going to work unless you actively take steps to process it all and move on.  Anger and bitterness can grow if not handled properly.  

Thank you for understanding and responding. What I did may come across as emotionally immature and that's fine. At the end of the day, it taught her to value the kindness that she once took for granted.  Our last conversation was the only time I've ever stood up to her and I must say it felt damn good to for once not dance around her feelings. Her emotions are not a priority - mine are and I wanted to express my anger before cutting out all contact with her. I had nothing to lose at that point so why not go out guns blazing?  

[PureAtmosphere]

11 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Is that what this is about? Are you somehow testing her to see if she keeps trying even when you freeze her out and ignore her?

Good question. At that point in time, I was testing her but more so what I wanted to hear was an apology. I don't have to meet up in person (which takes unnecessary amounts of time and effort) to hear a sorry. Tell me a simple "sorry" over text, email, DM etc... and if you have more to say I'll see about meeting up.  

 There is also a part of me that was messing with her intentionally and I acknowledge that and don't feel guilty at all about it. When I showed her my kindness she treated me like crap and dumped me like a dog yet as soon as I became the unavailable jerk she wants to meet up? Typical. 

[FMW]

She's never going to be able to give you what you need, I don't think an apology will change things at this point.  Your emotions and pain are your own, she'll never really be able to get it, it was your experience.  You will have to come to acceptance and some kind of peace about it on your own.  Put her behind you, don't reach and and don't respond if she tries to contact you.  Don't look back.  

[lana-banana]

13 hours ago, PureAtmosphere said:

 

I find it hilarious that you are painting me to be some kind of villain and her as a victim. We are both accountable for how we treated one another. The only victim in this was her partner. 

There were many instances throughout our "dynamic" where she went out of her way to belittle me simply because she knew I liked her. I have not received an apology for any of her past actions and I never will.  I wasn't perfect - but I never disrespected her or took her for granted - if anything I was too emotionally available and she lost interest and took me for granted. 

I knew full well things were going to end between us. It wasn't the fact that she ended it - it's how she did it. I understand you don't have the full story because you only read the "tl/dr". Here are the nuts and bolts that I left out of the story: She didn't even want to meet up in person with me -  she just ended it over the phone after we had just had our most intimate sexual experience an hour earlier. As soon as I told her I had feelings for her (over the phone), she and her roommate started screaming "NOOOOOOO"  in disgust. The "break up" wasn't even a 1 on 1 conversation. It felt like I was ambushed. She even told me she was talking about it with her roommate. As a matter of fact, she spent more time talking about how to end it with me with her roommate than she did talking to me direct. All I got was a "It's not you, it's me" (her exact words).  When we met up the next day in passing and I asked if we could talk she looked at me and said "What do you want to talk about?"  rolled her eyes and walked away.  Does that sound like someone worthy of a second chance?

Why on earth would I apologize to her? She hasn't apologized to me for ending it with me in such a cowardly and inconsiderate way. She showed me her true colors that day so there is no amount of sweet words or "meet up" sessions that can undue her actions. She is not entitled to a second chance just because she is now ready to talk it out. It's too late.

 Why should I go through the anxiety and discomfort of giving her a forum to speak to me face to face when 6 years ago she did not extend the same curtesy to me? She is not a priority in my life.  I have every right to refuse to see her or speak to her. I have every right to change my mind about meeting up with her. Just as she had every right to end things with me when she wanted to. 

So what I stood her up - she came back didn't she? Goes to show you that people don't respect you until you start prioritizing yourself. 

As far as her healing, she is going to be fine. We were not in a relationship and she was not in love with me so what is there to heal from? Her bruised ego? Her realizing her former lap dog grew a pair and has better options now? I am the one whose feelings were unreturned. The only thing she needs to heal from are the consequences that come from taking people for granted in life. You don't learn from mistakes like that by getting second chances. All she had to do was let me down easy and compassionately via a 1 on 1 conversation but she chose to be an insensitive ass about it instead. 

This amount of antipathy and bitterness about something that happened *in college* is not normal. You also sound incredibly selfish and unwilling to accept any amount of blame for your own actions. God only knows how much she's grown as a person since school---most people grow and mature quite a bit!---but you clearly have not, at all, so you shouldn't be meeting up regardless. Please look into therapy or meditation, because walking around with this much bitterness and bile will poison your soul.

[ExpatInItaly]

17 hours ago, PureAtmosphere said:

Good question. At that point in time, I was testing her but more so what I wanted to hear was an apology. I don't have to meet up in person (which takes unnecessary amounts of time and effort) to hear a sorry. Tell me a simple "sorry" over text, email, DM etc... and if you have more to say I'll see about meeting up.  

 There is also a part of me that was messing with her intentionally and I acknowledge that and don't feel guilty at all about it. When I showed her my kindness she treated me like crap and dumped me like a dog yet as soon as I became the unavailable jerk she wants to meet up? Typical. 

Yes, it sounds like a big part of you is doing this to teach her a lesson, so to speak. 

That rarely works, though. She isn't emotionally invested enough to deeply affected by your repeated ghostings. Yes, it probably annoys her, and she likely recognizes on some level that you're trying to give her a taste of her own medicine. However,  for someone to really get it, and care, they need to be a lot more attached the outcome of whatever fledgling reconciliation might be happening. I don't get the sense that she is. What is more likely to happen is that she'll get tired of it and move on to someone else. 

You're hurting yourself more than you are hurting her by engaging in this, in other words. It's keeping you stuck in your own pain and offering little to no real reward for you. 

Edited April 13, 2020 by ExpatInItaly

[PureAtmosphere]

3 hours ago, lana-banana said:

This amount of antipathy and bitterness about something that happened *in college* is not normal. You also sound incredibly selfish and unwilling to accept any amount of blame for your own actions. God only knows how much she's grown as a person since school---most people grow and mature quite a bit!---but you clearly have not, at all, so you shouldn't be meeting up regardless. Please look into therapy or meditation, because walking around with this much bitterness and bile will poison your soul.

Who cares if it was in college. We are both still in our mid 20s and you are acting like we are both 50 year old women who fooled around in college 30 years ago. If I said I was sexually assaulted in college would that exonerate the offender of any responsibility because "they were young and dumb and didn't recognize the impact of assaulting someone?" Give me a break. We were both young adults - the operative word being adult. Not once have you addressed any of the transgressions that were made against me when I was nice to her- you just assume I should get over it because "it was in college" and she "could have changed." I'd hate to hear the advice you give victims of domestic violence. I stated time and time again - I am not the victim and neither was she. We were both accountable parties in the situation. You chose to dismiss this altogether because you are clearly partial towards her.

Just because she has reached out over the past few years does not mean she has changed. The fact that you don't know this already demonstrates that you are not fit to be giving advice anyway. Work on your sense of self worth so that you don't keep allowing people to crap on you because you are so caught up in the fantasy of people "changing".   You clearly know very little about human nature and how attraction and seduction works.  People who have quality options don't have to go back to old flames - they move on and leave people from the past in the past. People with your mindset never get the ex coming back instead you get ignored for good after being dumped because of your sappy fantasies and spineless inability to put an ex in their place. She came back to me multiple times because I am a successful business owner/social media influencer and because I treated her like an option unworthy of exploring. Her ego is bruised because she once had the upper hand and now the ball is in my court. In the past few years, I've acquired elevated status, social proof, money and the ability to walk away (due to better options). That's what she is attracted to and that's what nice guys/white knights like you never seem to understand. Seduction is a power game and whoever has the ability to walk away completely has the upper hand.  Wake up and smell the sweet revenge. 

[PureAtmosphere]

7 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Yes, it sounds like a big part of you is doing this to teach her a lesson, so to speak. 

That rarely works, though. She isn't emotionally invested enough to deeply affected by your repeated ghostings. Yes, it probably annoys her, and she likely recognizes on some level that you're trying to give her a taste of her own medicine. However,  for someone to really get it, and care, they need to be a lot more attached the outcome of whatever fledgling reconciliation might be happening. I don't get the sense that she is. What is more likely to happen is that she'll get tired of it and move on to someone else. 

You're hurting yourself more than you are hurting her by engaging in this, in other words. It's keeping you stuck in your own pain and offering little to no real reward for you. 

Thank you for the reply. 

In my original post I  stated that I already told her that we will never meet up and I told her to stop contacting me. I'm not playing hard to get - I actually cut her out of my life for good and made it clear for her to cease all contact and stop stalking my IG. If she was not attached to the outcome of us meeting up then she wouldn't keep coming back and asking after being told no, being stood up and being ghosted. If I keep reapplying to a job that keeps rejecting my application time after time that is not exactly a sign of being detached of a certain outcome - that's a sign of not being able to accept rejection. 

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, PureAtmosphere said:

. If I keep reapplying to a job that keeps rejecting my application time after time that is not exactly a sign of being detached of a certain outcome - that's a sign of not being able to accept rejection. 

But then, you keep rescheduling the interview. 

What do you ultimately want to happen with her, OP? What is your desired outcome from this all of this back-and-forth? Do you want her to apologize and ask for another chance, or? 

[stillafool]

I think the problem here is that your feelings are way deeper for her than hers for you.  She saw the "great sex" you guys had back in college as an experience but you were in love.  She may have wanted to hook up and have sex again (without emotion) in Italy just for fun but now knows you are still bitter from before.  It's good you didn't meet up with her because you would have been hurt and humiliated again because her feelings still aren't matching yours.  

On 4/11/2020 at 5:18 PM, PureAtmosphere said:

I get mad and tell "ex" to stop lurking on my social media and that we are never going to meet up again and to never speak to me again. I feel relieved but still feels the residual bitterness due to years of pent up anger - wants to move forward. Any thoughts?

Your actions are not going to have the outcome you want because she doesn't care enough.  The best thing to do is block her from all your social media and any other way she could contact you so you can heal and move on with your life.

[PureAtmosphere]

27 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

But then, you keep rescheduling the interview. 

What do you ultimately want to happen with her, OP? What is your desired outcome from this all of this back-and-forth? Do you want her to apologize and ask for another chance, or? 

Yes, the interview was rescheduled and then canceled. The point is, no one is going to keep coming back to someone that rejects them or plays "hot and cold" if they aren't somewhat invested. Why give someone another opportunity to reject you and make you look stupid if you don't care? 

I just stated that I told her not to contact me ever again. This means there is nothing I want to happen with her. Was that not made clear in my original post? This thread has more to do with me and less to do with her. I am looking for ways to move forward without allowing bitterness, anger and resentment to spill into my current relationships. She hasn't been a part of my life in over 6 years and never will be. 

Edited April 13, 2020 by PureAtmosphere
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