Dumpee's Revenge: How to get over the bitterness?

[skywriter]

In my opinion, you've done what you felt you needed to do to help yourself. I think that's exactly what I would've done if I'd been in your situation.

You took control  , told her exactly what you needed to. You'll move on now and become indifferent towards her. I don't know that you 

will allow bitterness and anger to spill over into your current relationships. I think you can differentiate others intentions and that'll be

enough. 

[PureAtmosphere]

8 minutes ago, stillafool said:

I think the problem here is that your feelings are way deeper for her than hers for you.  She saw the "great sex" you guys had back in college as an experience but you were in love.  She may have wanted to hook up and have sex again (without emotion) in Italy just for fun but now knows you are still bitter from before.  It's good you didn't meet up with her because you would have been hurt and humiliated again because her feelings still aren't matching yours.  

Your actions are not going to have the outcome you want because she doesn't care enough.  The best thing to do is block her from all your social media and any other way she could contact you so you can heal and move on with your life.

 When she reached out to say hi and tell me "she's been thinking about me" I told her to stop contacting me, stop following me and give up on the idea of us meeting up. If I still had feelings for her - don't you think I would have leapt at the opportunity to meet up with her? Especially when she made it clear that she is still sexually interested in me. If my feelings are deeper than her feelings for me - why was I the one able to walk away for good? 

This thread has very little if anything to do with her. I am looking for ways to not allow the residual hurt from this incident to seep into my current and future relationships. 

[PureAtmosphere]

8 minutes ago, skywriter said:

In my opinion, you've done what you felt you needed to do to help yourself. I think that's exactly what I would've done if I'd been in your situation.

You took control  , told her exactly what you needed to. You'll move on now and become indifferent towards her. I don't know that you 

will allow bitterness and anger to spill over into your current relationships. I think you can differentiate others intentions and that'll be

enough. 

Thank you.

I hope you are right about being able to differentiate intentions.  I would hate to mess up the good thing I have going with my current partner simply because of an old flame. 

[skywriter]

PureAtmosphere,Give yourself a bit of credit here. You took control of the situation and from what I read, were quite tactful about it.

You simply stated to them not to contact you anymore. Your right to do so. You took control of the situation and you sound like a very 

decent person with good intentions. Too wise, to allow this situation with an old flame, to drag you down the rabbit hole.

[PureAtmosphere]

21 minutes ago, skywriter said:

PureAtmosphere,Give yourself a bit of credit here. You took control of the situation and from what I read, were quite tactful about it.

You simply stated to them not to contact you anymore. Your right to do so. You took control of the situation and you sound like a very 

decent person with good intentions. Too wise, to allow this situation with an old flame, to drag you down the rabbit hole.

Thank you for the compassion. 

I even told her to be safe and take care of herself during this pandemic. I'll always to some degree care about her but I am able to do so from a distance. This is what works best for me. 

[skywriter]

You are a already moving forward PureAtmosphere. .You took the first step forward, by asking her to please stop. You are so much more than you know,  your current partner probably appreciates this.

Nothing at all wrong with some degree of care, just indicative of the person you are. You put this away and in the past. You did so with class.

Edited April 13, 2020 by skywriter
typo

[stillafool]

59 minutes ago, PureAtmosphere said:

 When she reached out to say hi and tell me "she's been thinking about me" I told her to stop contacting me, stop following me and give up on the idea of us meeting up. If I still had feelings for her - don't you think I would have leapt at the opportunity to meet up with her? Especially when she made it clear that she is still sexually interested in me. If my feelings are deeper than her feelings for me - why was I the one able to walk away for good? 

This thread has very little if anything to do with her. I am looking for ways to not allow the residual hurt from this incident to seep into my current and future relationships. 

Oh, I'm sorry since you started the thread talking about her I thought this had to do with your feelings for her and  that is why people are commenting about your relationship with her.  I will advise that if you really don't want to hear from her again you can just block her from contact rather than expecting her to take direction from you.  She was still interested casual sex with you but she isn't emotionally involved.  I thought the reason you didn't leap at an opportunity to meet her was because you wanted to hurt her to pay her back for hurting you.  That that was the reason you called her to meet up when you were drunk. Again, I guess I misunderstood.  I think you were able to walk away from her because you don't want to have sex with her again and she isn't emotionally involved so it was just good sex to her that she would like to get again and move on.  Well good you're over her and are happy in your new relationship.

Edited April 13, 2020 by stillafool

[pepperbird]

On 4/11/2020 at 6:54 PM, PureAtmosphere said:

I definitely blame myself for the ordeal. As I stated in the original post - I recognize that I was the other person and therefore not a "victim". Thank you for the advice. I'm just waiting for the moment when I can think of her and feel nothing. 

It could be that will never happen. The key is trying to train your heart/brain to see that relationship as done and over.You can still cherish the happy memories but that doesn't mean you need to be with her.
 

[Luna66star]

Unless you were amused by the hot and cold, I would have totally ignored this woman.  And never looked back.  You got caught up in the past and in your unresolved feelings about the situation.  She ended it without consideration for your feelings, that should speak enough to the type of person she is.  You should move on and never look back.  Don't contact them again.  Look for positive experiences with other women.  I read somewhere that if we grew up in a dysfunctional family, we unconsciously accept situations that play out the same dynamic.  It's familiar.  We hang on to the unhealthy relationship in hope's of fixing it.  Truth is,  people who grew up in healthier families - they walk and  ever look back.

The above may or may not apply to you.  In any event, you need to let go of the past.  Be well.

 

[PureAtmosphere]

6 minutes ago, Luna66star said:

Unless you were amused by the hot and cold, I would have totally ignored this woman.  And never looked back.  You got caught up in the past and in your unresolved feelings about the situation.  She ended it without consideration for your feelings, that should speak enough to the type of person she is.  You should move on and never look back.  Don't contact them again.  Look for positive experiences with other women.  I read somewhere that if we grew up in a dysfunctional family, we unconsciously accept situations that play out the same dynamic.  It's familiar.  We hang on to the unhealthy relationship in hope's of fixing it.  Truth is,  people who grew up in healthier families - they walk and  ever look back.

The above may or may not apply to you.  In any event, you need to let go of the past.  Be well.

 

Thank you for your comment. I've been thinking about how my childhood has played a role in everything. She reminded me of my father in many different ways. 

I did want to ignore her initially but I didn't want to risk seeing a message or text from her again. I needed her to know outright not to contact me again. Plus, I wanted to burn the bridge so to speak. If I kept it vague and didn't answer (like I did in the past) it would give me room to contact her in the future and continue with all of this unnecessary crap. Now that I've said my piece, I have to live up to my word of never wanting to see or hear from her again. 

[PureAtmosphere]

27 minutes ago, pepperbird said:

It could be that will never happen. The key is trying to train your heart/brain to see that relationship as done and over.You can still cherish the happy memories but that doesn't mean you need to be with her.
 

Goodness. I hope I do become indifferent. Thanks for the comment. 

[PureAtmosphere]

44 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Oh, I'm sorry since you started the thread talking about her I thought this had to do with your feelings for her and  that is why people are commenting about your relationship with her.  I will advise that if you really don't want to hear from her again you can just block her from contact rather than expecting her to take direction from you.  She was still interested casual sex with you but she isn't emotionally involved.  I thought the reason you didn't leap at an opportunity to meet her was because you wanted to hurt her to pay her back for hurting you.  That that was the reason you called her to meet up when you were drunk. Again, I guess I misunderstood.  I think you were able to walk away from her because you don't want to have sex with her again and she isn't emotionally involved so it was just good sex to her that she would like to get again and move on.  Well good you're over her and are happy in your new relationship.

Thanks for the advice.

I've tried the whole "ignore and block" thing years ago and it rarely works for me. I always end up unblocking people and ultimately respond to them in a moment of weakness (i.e. drunk etc.). I had to be deliberate in letting her know I was burning this bridge to 1)prove to myself that I could walking away completely and to 2) hold myself accountable to sticking to my word and never seeing or speaking to her again.

I understand her not being emotionally involved the first time around. But if someone tells you "no", stands you up, and ghosts you yet you still keep coming back to them trying to work things out then you clearly have some emotional involvement/attachment to the person (or at least to a certain outcome.) No one is going to allow themselves to look stupid for someone unless they think the person they are doing it for is worth the risk. We live in the day and age of hook up culture. There is no shortage of good sex she can find. Why embarrass yourself begging for an old flame who has demonstrated time and time again that they don't want you when you can keep your dignity - go on Tinder and swipe right/swipe left and have the next casual encounter at your doorstep in under an hour? 

Am I saying she loves me and has feelings for me? of course not. But I do think that some degree of emotional attachment and ego is involved in her decision to not "take the hint" and move on after my first "no". It can be hard for someone who once had the upper hand to realize they are no longer calling the shots. 

[kendahke]

you have to ask yourself: what are you really getting out of keeping it alive? There's a charge you're getting from it--else you'd be bored by now and moved on in earnest.

Bitterness is the poison you drink when the person you're mad at won't drink it.

[skywriter]

8 hours ago, kendahke said:

Bitterness is the poison you drink when the person you're mad at won't drink it.

Yikes!!! Kendahke, interesting perspective you have.

I actually thought she was nipping it in the perverbial bud, by asking to please not contact.

I also, consider her to be healthy minded in inquiring as to how not to become bitter in the future.

Eh, but, what do I know?

[FMW]

Inquiring is good. But conscious action to come to terms with it is required if she doesn't want to be still inquiring a year from now.  

[kendahke]

1 hour ago, skywriter said:

Yikes!!! Kendahke, interesting perspective you have.

I actually thought she was nipping it in the perverbial bud

From OP:

Quote

 There is also a part of me that was messing with her intentionally and I acknowledge that and don't feel guilty at all about it.

That's not nipping anything in any bud, proverbial or otherwise. That's taking a 2x4 to a hornet's nest and then wondering why you're getting stung.