Feel 'Expired' as a 37-year-old single woman. am I?

[nospam99]

From an older perspective .....

I'm 66. So at my age, the women willing to date me are 'expired' for motherhood. But that's okay because, short of winning the lottery, I'm expired for fatherhood.

I filter on looks. There are plenty of 60-somethings that are not 'expired' on looks (think Christie Brinkley, also 66, but without her celebrity status). And LOTS of gorgeously unexpired 50-somethings who, unfortunately, are rarely interested in dating a man my age and of my relatively modest means.

OP, if you're trying dating apps, you may have better luck if you turn the tables and make first contact with men who impress you as potentially interested in starting a family. Also meetups and consult with a kindly clergyman.

[Dog Lover 82]

Hello all. Thanks for the feedback so far. Let me clear a few things up. Yes, I want someone who is my intellectual equal. That doesn't mean they have to have the same education. I want to be able to have meaningful conversations with them and be intellectually challenged. I've met people with a high school degree that can do that. However, my experience has told me that men aren't OK with me having a higher level of education than them. I'm not saying all men are like this. I'm saying the men I've dated have showed me this through their words and actions. My last boyfriend actually used the excuse "you're getting too famous and you're going to leave me" when we broke up (I'm not getting famous...I had substantial work published in an international magazine and I guess that threatened him). 

Second, I'm open to dating/marrying someone who is divorced. That wasn't always the case, of course, but expectations change. 

And it's not that I'm worried about men finding me attractive or wanting to date me or even finding love at some point. I know people get divorced, I could date a younger man, etc. I guess my bigger worry was about finding someone who is willing to talk about a family with a woman my age. This is just online dating, of course, but what I've noticed is that a lot of the divorced men check the category "Have children, don't want more," which I understand completely. They've been there done that. I guess I read too much, but I've seen way too many stats about a) how the quality of my eggs have plummeted, b) how men think that women my age are "desperate" because we're on a timeline. Both are partially true, I guess. But it doesn't change my situation.

Lastly, yes, there were a few comments that my dating situation has probably always been a challenge and I'm blaming it on age. Yes, my dating situation has always been a challenge because I'm shy and scared of rejection. I haven't put myself out there much over the years, resulting in few suitors. I've been going to therapy for more than two years and have made major progress on this though. That is its own issue, and I'm working on it. I'm getting better and better and finding that when I look up, there are a lot of guys looking back. Never knew that before. Now, I think that's completely separate from the age issue, but it's the major reason I've gotten here. I think unless you're a woman who's been single at my age, it's a hard feeling to describe. I know things are not impossible, but they are certainly more complicated and I wanted some input on what others thought.

[preraph]

I learned at about your age that a big toothy smile opens the door to guys seeing you as approachable and friendly and that they'll talk to you.  I'm 67 and people talk to me because I will look at them and smile.  

[Emilie Jolie]

Women do go on to have children later in life. In my personal circles, I know of 6 women / couples who had kids past 35. As you said though, it is not impossible but not straightforward either; 2 of them used IVF (one of them is single) 1 couple had been trying for years, 1 couple had their baby at 41 after 2 still births, only 2 (one 39 and one 43) had them without effort but the 43 yo already had 2 kids.

I would seriously consider freezing your eggs; many women (those who can afford it) do.

[BaileyB]

Considering that I was 39 years old when I met my current partner, the love of my life... my answer would be no.

[littleblackheart]

45 minutes ago, Tina Marie 82 said:

I think unless you're a woman who's been single at my age, it's a hard feeling to describe

I can only defer to how my sister deals with it - she's in a similar situation but one year older. At times, it is very difficult to find the right words to support her to tell the truth, because everything I say to her sounds like a cliché.

She really wants to be a mother, but doesn't want to become one while single, yet can't seem to find the right guy for her. She constantly oscillates between a sort of resigned acceptance that it might not happen, and deep sadness for the same reason. She has a busy job and good support system, and she is a great aunt to my kids, but ultimately she lives with this constant anxiety about her future as far as relationships and motherhood.

My only advice is to live your life to the fullest with no regrets, do all the things you've always wanted to do and keep looking for the right guy for you. In other words, be cautiously optimistic while enjoying your life as it is now. It's happened to others, so it can happen to you too.

[preraph]

Littleblackheart has really good advice up there.  Don't put off doing all the things you think about doing with your future husband.  Do them for yourself NOW while you can.  Because two reasons:  One, worst case scenario, you end up doing something fabulous more than once!  And 2, It will literally make you more interesting, get you out of the house and meeting people.  Don't ever put your life on hold waiting for "the one."

 

On that note, one of the things my mom did that I appreciated the most and was touched by is once I was working and doing well in my career but showing no apptitude for settling down and getting married, she brought me my "hope chest" some people save to give to their daughters when they marry.  She said something like, "Because I realize I might be waiting a long time," which was certainly true.  And it was so nice to have the pretty drinking glasses and things she put in there, such a luxury at the time.  

 

Give yourself everything you can and don't wait on a man to do it.  It will only make you better and more likely to find one.  

[poppyfields]

Tina, I'm wondering did you read my first post? 

I AM a single your age, as are a few of my friends, and my (and their) experiences are VERY different from yours. 

I don't feel expired, or "over the hill" in the least!  The opposite actually.

It's all in how you feel about yourself, your energy, your vibe.

Positive energy = positive experiences, 

Negative energy = negative experiences. 

Women are also having children in their 40s now, my step mum had my step sister and brother at 43 and 45!

Edited April 12, 2020 by poppyfields

[preraph]

I clearly remember what I was up to at that age, and it was one of the most exciting times of my life when I was in my late 30s.  BUT I did notice that even though I still had male interest, it wasn't serious.  In fairness, most of them were younger, so I wasn't surprised.  They liked hanging with me but it wasn't serious.  Certainly not trying to have a baby with me serious.  And to be honest, I noticed that change when I was about 35, like I had come down a notch with men, many more overlooking me.  So it's not myth that women over 30 and especially 35 can start being invisible to some men.  

But you're not exactly over the hill and you're flexible, so your main hurdle is becoming active and I'm going to say do not do what I did (I wasn't looking for a husband or kids) and don't date younger guys.  It will be a waste of your time.  Maybe 2 years younger and that's it. Because you still get those attracted to you.  But they want to hit and run.  So stay focused on finding a suitable future father to your children, but to get there, you must make yourself get out and be social and join activities and volunteer groups and maybe campaign groups and put yourself out there.  

Edited April 12, 2020 by preraph

[rjc149]

3 hours ago, Springsummer said:

Just look at the French president and his wife...nothing is off the limit

Good looking guy who spends $10k/month on makeup and marries a matriarch -- I strongly doubt Macron's heterosexuality. 

[rjc149]

Another viewpoint you may want to consider, OP: 

There is nothing wrong with being single. There is nothing wrong with only being compatible with yourself in routine close-quarters. There is nothing wrong with not burdening oneself with the responsibility of children. 

Those who equate being single with being lonely are not happy in relationships either. 

[Cookiesandough]

1 hour ago, poppyfields said:

Tina, I'm wondering did you read my first post? 

I AM a single your age, as are a few of my friends, and my (and their) experiences are VERY different from yours. 

I don't feel expired, or "over the hill" in the least!  The opposite actually.

It's all in how you feel about yourself, your energy, your vibe.

Positive energy = positive experiences, 

Negative energy = negative experiences. 

Women are also having children in their 40s now, my step mum had my step sister and brother at 43 and 45!

Poppy fields , I thought you had a LDR bf? 

[Dog Lover 82]

1 hour ago, poppyfields said:

Tina, I'm wondering did you read my first post? 

I AM a single your age, as are a few of my friends, and my (and their) experiences are VERY different from yours. 

I don't feel expired, or "over the hill" in the least!  The opposite actually.

It's all in how you feel about yourself, your energy, your vibe.

Positive energy = positive experiences, 

Negative energy = negative experiences. 

Women are also having children in their 40s now, my step mum had my step sister and brother at 43 and 45!

Yes, I appreciate your input. I mean, it's back and forth about how I feel. How do I really feel? I feel young, vibrant and beautiful. But then sometimes the age thing sneaks up on me, mostly because of things I read online. I have met a few other women who got married in their late 30s or even early 40s and still were able to have a child. But then again, I have a good friend in her mid-40s who went through the same thing at my age and is still single. She kind of just gave up at some point. I'm sure having been in quarantine for almost a month now is not helping with any insecurities of meeting someone, as the future feels even more uncertain.

[Dog Lover 82]

1 hour ago, littleblackheart said:

I can only defer to how my sister deals with it - she's in a similar situation but one year older. At times, it is very difficult to find the right words to support her to tell the truth, because everything I say to her sounds like a cliché.

She really wants to be a mother, but doesn't want to become one while single, yet can't seem to find the right guy for her. She constantly oscillates between a sort of resigned acceptance that it might not happen, and deep sadness for the same reason. She has a busy job and good support system, and she is a great aunt to my kids, but ultimately she lives with this constant anxiety about her future as far as relationships and motherhood.

My only advice is to live your life to the fullest with no regrets, do all the things you've always wanted to do and keep looking for the right guy for you. In other words, be cautiously optimistic while enjoying your life as it is now. It's happened to others, so it can happen to you too.

Yes, your description of your sister sounds quite similar. I was an only child and I have a lot of passions/interests, so I never really get bored. There is still a strong desire to have a pair bond though. I'll just keep trucking along and cross my fingers, I suppose.

[poppyfields]

12 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said:

Poppy fields , I thought you had a LDR bf? 

I do cookies, our RL is a bit unconventional however, won't get into now, but with respect to my dating experiences,  I'm talking about prior to him.

I still have men asking me out though.  I still feel positive, hardy expired or over the hill.

Edited April 12, 2020 by poppyfields

[Cookiesandough]

33 minutes ago, Tina Marie 82 said:

Yes, your description of your sister sounds quite similar. I was an only child and I have a lot of passions/interests, so I never really get bored. There is still a strong desire to have a pair bond though. I'll just keep trucking along and cross my fingers, I suppose.

Hey, I am an only child too and was very shy in the past, much better now. I wonder if you were happy with your two long term partners and why you guys didn’t start families ? Sorry if I missed that or if it’s too personal. I ask because I tend to lose interest in relationships and want to be single again or by myself and I sometimes wonder if that has to do with only child syndrome
 

 

It’s a lot about priorities. Is having a child or children super important to you? If not, then you might benefit from taking your time, date, and let things happen, because you are probably still young enough for that. However, if your bio clock is ticking loudly, you should date with that goal in mind.  My mom did  me naturally, no IVF, and I was a bit of an accident. Egg freeze might be good as a backup, but I would not bank on it. It’s not always successful and especially the older you get harvesting eggs that survive the thaw gets murky so you would need lots of 🍳. . Also, I heard some research the process the hormones they give can screw with your natural fertility.but if you want a family I would focus on finding family-minded men. Are you on Match.com? 
 

Oh and thx for clarifying, poppy. I just remembered you mentioning a bf 

Edited April 12, 2020 by Cookiesandough

[BaileyB]

2 hours ago, littleblackheart said:

I can only defer to how my sister deals with it - she's in a similar situation but one year older. At times, it is very difficult to find the right words to support her to tell the truth, because everything I say to her sounds like a cliché.

She really wants to be a mother, but doesn't want to become one while single, yet can't seem to find the right guy for her. She constantly oscillates between a sort of resigned acceptance that it might not happen, and deep sadness for the same reason. She has a busy job and good support system, and she is a great aunt to my kids, but ultimately she lives with this constant anxiety about her future as far as relationships and motherhood.

This was certainly my experience for many years. Sometimes I still feel a little sadness for the fact that I don’t have kids, despite the fact that I have the best nieces and nephews a girl could ever hope to have. And, I certainly don’t take the man that I now have in my life for granted (even when he does things that annoy me) because I KNOW, nothing in life is guaranteed. 

And that the thing, we all do the best we can at any given time. The older I get, the more that I realize - life is filled with many chapters. Some of my friends who married young are now divorcing, going through the financial and emotional stress of learning to live life on their own. Dating again, in midlife! Some have watched their children grow, only to experience stress as their children struggle with any number of challenges. Some friends have lost their partners, to cancer or other illness. Some are struggling now, while I am in a time of happiness and discovery. People journey through life in their own way, with new and different chapters revealing themselves all the time... both good and bad, but nothing stays the same forever.

The key things that have helped me through my life is to try to keep the faith, have gratitude for what I have beeen blessed to receive/experience... And, to never give up the hope that I will find what I desire because - you just never know what is around the corner.

Edited April 12, 2020 by BaileyB

[poppyfields]

7 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said:

Oh and thx for clarifying, poppy. I just remembered you mentioning a bf 

No worries cookies, my posts can seem a bit contradictory at times, it's just my brain spinning, par for the course lol.

Someday, when I get brave enough, I'll create a thread about it (my relationship), I'm sure it'll get quite a few tails wagging, and I need to be prepared for that.

I bet it would make for an interesting discussion though!! 

[Realitysux]

I'm 37 and I'm not worried about waiting to date. Right now I couldn't get a guy if my left leg depended on it because I am a mess! But when I'm ready and able, I have no interest in younger men, I like older men and I think I'll enjoy the experience of dating. I would only get rejected at the moment because of the shape I'm in. I start with my life coach tomorrow and I'm working with Kris again this week. Weekends are a challenge because I'm faced with all the posts and trolls but I can pull myself out of it and find the dating scene just fine in the fall. I'm not intimidated or worried about it and I'm pretty sure I can share with you a whole lot of options! I'm close to Toronto. I can visit a few spots there and find some men. Everyone is talking about quality men. You can date a few then when one comes a long you can't let go then you try and keep them! I am not dating until I am strong. 

Edited April 12, 2020 by Realitysux

[SincereOnlineGuy]

21 hours ago, Tina Marie 82 said:

I'm a 37-year-old woman who has had two long-term relationships and now I've been single for about three years. I'd really like to find a long-term committed relationship with someone and maybe even start a family. My main problem throughout my dating life has been shyness, which has made it hard for me to meet quality men (so I ended up dating not-so-quality men). The two boyfriends I did have were also apparently intimidated by my education (I had more advanced degrees than both of them, which is apparently still a problem). This has resulted in me kind of "underselling" myself to other men, because I don't want to intimidate them.

I'm smart, funny and kind, and I have taken very good care of myself over the years, so people often mistake me for still being in my late 20s. However, I've read a lot of articles and opinion pieces that state that women my age are either desperate or expired. I don't feel like either, personally, but I guess I want an opinion as to whether it's a pipe dream at this point to try to look for a good quality guy around my age or if I have to start going way older. Would a guy who wants to have a family be willing to date a woman at my age? I've tried a dating app recently, and I've been really surprised at how many guys in their 20s swipe yes for me. Nothing has come of it yet, however, so I don't really know what to make of their real interest level.

 

Well Tina Marie,  it could be worse...  you could be Tina Louise...  on an island

 

People who contemplate life with that perception are prone to wanting to leap up and CHANGE something, or take a profoundly different path...     (but it's like trying to avoid or chase raindrops... as soon as you move,  that's when fate would have struck).

 

BUT it wouldn't hurt to alter your regular routine a tiny bit... by demanding you get out and meet more people... (after Covid).

 

Find scenarios (such as taking classes)... where your actual focus is ON the subject you chose...  and where you might see others who are focusing on stuff they care about...  with each seeming in 'best light' from the perspective of the other.

And it might not BE that handsome stud at the front of the class, who you drool over every evening...      the dweeb who becomes your class-project partner MIGHT have a brother who shows up to borrow a car (not yours)... or whatever... who you suddenly meet and become fond of.

But obviously meeting more people is the general answer... and you still have time, but be pro-active.

 

 

 

 

 

[Realitysux]

3 hours ago, Tina Marie 82 said:

Hello all. Thanks for the feedback so far. Let me clear a few things up. Yes, I want someone who is my intellectual equal. That doesn't mean they have to have the same education. I want to be able to have meaningful conversations with them and be intellectually challenged. I've met people with a high school degree that can do that. However, my experience has told me that men aren't OK with me having a higher level of education than them. I'm not saying all men are like this. I'm saying the men I've dated have showed me this through their words and actions. My last boyfriend actually used the excuse "you're getting too famous and you're going to leave me" when we broke up (I'm not getting famous...I had substantial work published in an international magazine and I guess that threatened him). 

Second, I'm open to dating/marrying someone who is divorced. That wasn't always the case, of course, but expectations change. 

And it's not that I'm worried about men finding me attractive or wanting to date me or even finding love at some point. I know people get divorced, I could date a younger man, etc. I guess my bigger worry was about finding someone who is willing to talk about a family with a woman my age. This is just online dating, of course, but what I've noticed is that a lot of the divorced men check the category "Have children, don't want more," which I understand completely. They've been there done that. I guess I read too much, but I've seen way too many stats about a) how the quality of my eggs have plummeted, b) how men think that women my age are "desperate" because we're on a timeline. Both are partially true, I guess. But it doesn't change my situation.

Lastly, yes, there were a few comments that my dating situation has probably always been a challenge and I'm blaming it on age. Yes, my dating situation has always been a challenge because I'm shy and scared of rejection. I haven't put myself out there much over the years, resulting in few suitors. I've been going to therapy for more than two years and have made major progress on this though. That is its own issue, and I'm working on it. I'm getting better and better and finding that when I look up, there are a lot of guys looking back. Never knew that before. Now, I think that's completely separate from the age issue, but it's the major reason I've gotten here. I think unless you're a woman who's been single at my age, it's a hard feeling to describe. I know things are not impossible, but they are certainly more complicated and I wanted some input on what others thought.

I'm a carpenter. I'm not educated at all. I am opening a salad bar at a market, I take side jobs and work. I had a guy who thought I was too stupid for him and he was an engineer. I could absolutely not intellectually challenge him. I am still not worried about dating! I should be but I'm not. Holy cow I'm being triggered by this post now. I'm too stupid for a man. Back to coping! 

Edited April 12, 2020 by Realitysux

[littleblackheart]

9 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

The key things I have come to believe are to have gratitude for what you have and where you have been... And, to never give up the hope that you will find what you desire because - you just never know what life may bring you. 

Absolutely. Take things as they come, don't overthink (easier said than done!), learn from yourself and others, treat others how you want to be treated and hold on tight to what you do have.

It's not always easy to keep things in perspective though, and it's ok to acknowledge you'll have bad days too. None of us have a perfect life, after all.

[littleblackheart]

55 minutes ago, Tina Marie 82 said:

 I'll just keep trucking along and cross my fingers, I suppose.

Exactly. You never know what's round the corner anyway :).

Try to keep your energy for the things you can control (yes, I know, another cliché!).

[simpycurious]

1 hour ago, poppyfields said:

No worries cookies, my posts can seem a bit contradictory at times, it's just my brain spinning, par for the course lol.

Someday, when I get brave enough, I'll create a thread about it (my relationship), I'm sure it'll get quite a few tails wagging, and I need to be prepared for that.

I bet it would make for an interesting discussion though!! 

Interesting discussions seem to be prevalent at the LS

[Foxhall]

23 hours ago, Tina Marie 82 said:

I'm smart, funny and kind, and I have taken very good care of myself over the years, so people often mistake me for still being in my late 20s.

you sound a good prospect to me,

guys ought to be queueing up for you,