Feel 'Expired' as a 37-year-old single woman. am I?

[Gr8fuln2020]

Feel 'Expired' as a 37-year-old single woman. am I?

Not sure what articles you have been reading, but no one in right mind would think a 37-yr old is expired. I'm in my 50s and prefer women mid-40s to mid-50s. Are these ladies expired? We are no longer interested in having anymore biological children, but other than that, we want the stability and excitement that other age groups hope for (I do, at least).

Don't minimize your intelligence and ambition. By maintaining them, you help to weed out some of the guys who are not secure or respectful enough of your personal goals, aspirations, and standards. I do have to ask though, as you are lowering them to attract more men, are you desperate for a relationship? That desperation, as you may have already experienced, will lead to relationships that will not make you happy.

[Dog Lover 82]

19 hours ago, Cookiesandough said:

Hey, I am an only child too and was very shy in the past, much better now. I wonder if you were happy with your two long term partners and why you guys didn’t start families ? Sorry if I missed that or if it’s too personal. I ask because I tend to lose interest in relationships and want to be single again or by myself and I sometimes wonder if that has to do with only child syndrome
 

 

It’s a lot about priorities. Is having a child or children super important to you? If not, then you might benefit from taking your time, date, and let things happen, because you are probably still young enough for that. However, if your bio clock is ticking loudly, you should date with that goal in mind.  My mom did  me naturally, no IVF, and I was a bit of an accident. Egg freeze might be good as a backup, but I would not bank on it. It’s not always successful and especially the older you get harvesting eggs that survive the thaw gets murky so you would need lots of 🍳. . Also, I heard some research the process the hormones they give can screw with your natural fertility.but if you want a family I would focus on finding family-minded men. Are you on Match.com? 
 

Oh and thx for clarifying, poppy. I just remembered you mentioning a bf 

Hmmm...I haven't really noticed getting bored in relationships, just with things like redundant jobs or tasks.  

As far as the child thing, I wouldn't absolutely die if I didn't have one (although the clock is ticking more than it used to). I could see myself adopting, but I couldn't see myself being a single parent. For one, my mother was a single parent and I know it's hard. And I don't make enough income on my own to raise a child by myself, unfortunately. 

[Dog Lover 82]

3 hours ago, Gr8fuln2020 said:

Feel 'Expired' as a 37-year-old single woman. am I?

Not sure what articles you have been reading, but no one in right mind would think a 37-yr old is expired. I'm in my 50s and prefer women mid-40s to mid-50s. Are these ladies expired? We are no longer interested in having anymore biological children, but other than that, we want the stability and excitement that other age groups hope for (I do, at least).

Don't minimize your intelligence and ambition. By maintaining them, you help to weed out some of the guys who are not secure or respectful enough of your personal goals, aspirations, and standards. I do have to ask though, as you are lowering them to attract more men, are you desperate for a relationship? That desperation, as you may have already experienced, will lead to relationships that will not make you happy.

I think you hit the nail on the head there though when you said you're not interested in having any more biological children. I haven't had any and I am interested. That was really my main question though since I'm still of age to have children, but approaching the no-go zone soon. The articles I was mentioning all had to do with men and women who were looking to have children. 

I don't think I'm coming across as desperate to men, because I'm not dating yet. As someone correctly guessed somewhere in this thread earlier, I haven't chosen my boyfriends...they've chosen me. I'm extremely shy and 2020 was supposed to be the year I came out of my shell and found a nice guy that I chose mutually. But instead I'm sitting in my apartment in quarantine. LOL

 

[Dog Lover 82]

19 hours ago, SincereOnlineGuy said:

Well Tina Marie,  it could be worse...  you could be Tina Louise...  on an island

 

People who contemplate life with that perception are prone to wanting to leap up and CHANGE something, or take a profoundly different path...     (but it's like trying to avoid or chase raindrops... as soon as you move,  that's when fate would have struck).

 

BUT it wouldn't hurt to alter your regular routine a tiny bit... by demanding you get out and meet more people... (after Covid).

 

Find scenarios (such as taking classes)... where your actual focus is ON the subject you chose...  and where you might see others who are focusing on stuff they care about...  with each seeming in 'best light' from the perspective of the other.

And it might not BE that handsome stud at the front of the class, who you drool over every evening...      the dweeb who becomes your class-project partner MIGHT have a brother who shows up to borrow a car (not yours)... or whatever... who you suddenly meet and become fond of.

But obviously meeting more people is the general answer... and you still have time, but be pro-active.

 

 

 

 

 

You're absolutely right. I'm prone to being a hermit and that's really how I've gotten to this point in my life. I had actually been working really hard on being more outgoing and meeting people (or at least doing small things like smiling at men I found attractive at my gym, for instance). Because I was in the midst of this difficult self work, I've felt pretty down since the lockdown because on top of the normal feelings of uncertainty and loneliness, I really feel like I'm losing momentum on my goals. I sincerely hope I'll be able to pick up where I left off when this is all over, whenever that may be.

[hippychick3]

I was divorced at age 43 and had no problem meeting attractive and educated men. I, too, look much younger than my age and take good care of myself. I have a post graduate degree, and I found that the majority of men I dated were looking for an educated woman. I learned that men of good quality (educated, intelligent, honest, good character/morals) looked for and appreciated women of good quality. After months and months of meeting and dating many decent men, I met an amazing younger man within a year of my divorce, and we are now engaged. You should have no problem meeting men if you are physically attractive and take care of yourself. However, I recommend you work on your confidence. Confidence (without arrogance/bitchiness) is a very attractive quality. 

Edited April 13, 2020 by hippychick3
commas

[SincereOnlineGuy]

4 hours ago, Tina Marie 82 said:

the clock is ticking more than it used to

 

Recognize that the clock is ticking at the same rate it has always ticked  (it's a 'perfect' clock)

 

You are merely hearing more sound from it.

 

1995-2020 have done no favors to m-m-m-m-m-most of society where it concerns socializing and meeting people.   (exceptions for those who thrive at OLD leaning toward long-distance) (most of the other idiots just do it wrong in 2020)

and that accounts for all of your years since boys stopped having cooties.

 

So it really does make sense that YOU turning your own self toward a slightly different path has an excellent chance to create success.

 

(put better:   you have been so steadily in the right lane on this path, that nobody will even honk at you to get outta their way...

you can keep heading in the same direction, but buy a bumper sticker that says:   "if you're gonna ride my ass, at least pull my hair"  and then endeavor to signal to the left and drive in the next lane over for a while...  {soon people will be cutting you off, and each time you arrive home you'll feel like you had an adventure}   )

 

But right now you seem to need a firm commitment from yourself to shift gears.   (find a class to take)

 

 

[Ami1uwant]

7 hours ago, Tina Marie 82 said:

You're absolutely right. I'm prone to being a hermit and that's really how I've gotten to this point in my life. I had actually been working really hard on being more outgoing and meeting people (or at least doing small things like smiling at men I found attractive at my gym, for instance). Because I was in the midst of this difficult self work, I've felt pretty down since the lockdown because on top of the normal feelings of uncertainty and loneliness, I really feel like I'm losing momentum on my goals. I sincerely hope I'll be able to pick up where I left off when this is all over, whenever that may be.

How have you tried to meet people? Date coworkers? Do you attend meetings or conferences and meet people there?

How do you try to meet people?

are you approachable? In trying to meet people are you aiming to high?

from my experience you are at a transition age.  Some may look younger and some may look older than their real age which also can be a problem. Guys st your age don’t want yo rush and get married and have kids. They’d rather aim younger and give it a few years with no rush for kids.  If you date older some may be past children phase and don’t want them because they are off to college or they didn’t want kids.  

a good friend of mine is due for a child about yo turn 41.  She went through the special pregnancy stuff. It’s statistically hard to have kids at 40.

 

Why did the relationships end? How did they start? Did you have to do much work or did they just fall in your lap.

 

when you have had dates I wonder how you are.  I’ve heard many stories where professional  women have had problems on a date because they come off as u want tohire her, not date her.

 

 

 

[Dog Lover 82]

1 hour ago, Ami1uwant said:

How have you tried to meet people? Date coworkers? Do you attend meetings or conferences and meet people there?

How do you try to meet people?

are you approachable? In trying to meet people are you aiming to high?

from my experience you are at a transition age.  Some may look younger and some may look older than their real age which also can be a problem. Guys st your age don’t want yo rush and get married and have kids. They’d rather aim younger and give it a few years with no rush for kids.  If you date older some may be past children phase and don’t want them because they are off to college or they didn’t want kids.  

a good friend of mine is due for a child about yo turn 41.  She went through the special pregnancy stuff. It’s statistically hard to have kids at 40.

 

Why did the relationships end? How did they start? Did you have to do much work or did they just fall in your lap.

 

when you have had dates I wonder how you are.  I’ve heard many stories where professional  women have had problems on a date because they come off as u want tohire her, not date her.

 

 

 

I don't date and never really have. The men who I was in long term relationships with pursued me pretty hard until I "gave in" and then once I did they started backing away slowly over time. Then, I held on to the relationships because - being shy - I didn't think I could find another guy who would want to be with me. I've always been shy and actively avoid making contact with men I find attractive, even when they show interest. I know I've lost opportunities with two different guys that I actually really liked because of this. I've been on a handful of bad dates in my life and I've tried dating apps, but always hated how superficial they felt, so I don't stay on them long. 

Now, I'm not looking for advice for that, although it kind of explains how I've gotten to 37 and single. I've been actively working on it and going to counseling for two years and it's improving slowly but surely. It's not an easy fix. It's 37 years of a habit and a way of thinking that has to be unraveled. And the "exposure therapy" is hard but I'm doing it. I've been slowly building up my courage at my gym. I started by smiling at and making conversations with women and then men that I found less attractive and I've moved on to men I find slightly more attractive. I've tried to do meetups and clubs as well, but all of my hobbies attract people much older than me (which is fine, but I'm not interested in dating someone 20-40 years my senior).

I feel like much of my life has been wasted already because of the shyness but I can't beat myself up about it. It is who I am and I'm trying. Mostly now, I'm just feeling like I've missed my opportunity to have a family because of this. I'm optimistic always, but in reality, I don't see it happening from a practical standpoint.

 

[Ami1uwant]

41 minutes ago, Tina Marie 82 said:

I don't date and never really have. The men who I was in long term relationships with pursued me pretty hard until I "gave in" and then once I did they started backing away slowly over time. Then, I held on to the relationships because - being shy - I didn't think I could find another guy who would want to be with me. I've always been shy and actively avoid making contact with men I find attractive, even when they show interest. I know I've lost opportunities with two different guys that I actually really liked because of this. I've been on a handful of bad dates in my life and I've tried dating apps, but always hated how superficial they felt, so I don't stay on them long. 

Now, I'm not looking for advice for that, although it kind of explains how I've gotten to 37 and single. I've been actively working on it and going to counseling for two years and it's improving slowly but surely. It's not an easy fix. It's 37 years of a habit and a way of thinking that has to be unraveled. And the "exposure therapy" is hard but I'm doing it. I've been slowly building up my courage at my gym. I started by smiling at and making conversations with women and then men that I found less attractive and I've moved on to men I find slightly more attractive. I've tried to do meetups and clubs as well, but all of my hobbies attract people much older than me (which is fine, but I'm not interested in dating someone 20-40 years my senior).

I feel like much of my life has been wasted already because of the shyness but I can't beat myself up about it. It is who I am and I'm trying. Mostly now, I'm just feeling like I've missed my opportunity to have a family because of this. I'm optimistic always, but in reality, I don't see it happening from a practical standpoint.

 

What happened with the guys you talked to at the gym?  Was it small talk or actual conversation.

 

do you know what interests you romantically or what qualities are important to you instead of focus in love at first sight fantasy scenarios. I’ve found attraction builds as you get to know someone.

I’m a guy who has been shy and reserved when it came to relationship initiation.im not shy elsewhere.   It was rare I’d meet a woman at a bar and get her number in One night. My relationships have come from gradually getting to know someone or through online dating.  10 years ago online dating was easier because a higher percent of users were serious about wanting to meet instead of folks just using it to try and meet a dream or unrealistic catch.

 

 

[Woggle]

Maybe break out of that shyness a little bit and try to be more social with men that interest you. Most men these days will not initiate unless they can see a clear invite and that goes for any age.

[Dog Lover 82]

1 hour ago, Ami1uwant said:

What happened with the guys you talked to at the gym?  Was it small talk or actual conversation.

 

do you know what interests you romantically or what qualities are important to you instead of focus in love at first sight fantasy scenarios. I’ve found attraction builds as you get to know someone.

I’m a guy who has been shy and reserved when it came to relationship initiation.im not shy elsewhere.   It was rare I’d meet a woman at a bar and get her number in One night. My relationships have come from gradually getting to know someone or through online dating.  10 years ago online dating was easier because a higher percent of users were serious about wanting to meet instead of folks just using it to try and meet a dream or unrealistic catch.

 

 

Yeah, I agree with the online dating going downhill, and I pretty much decided it was a cesspool this time around. I had a guy send me a vulgar message a few nights ago and another man try to convince me to do a "hook up" when my profile clearly stated I was looking for a relationship. I found that a lot of the conversations felt manufactured and lost momentum because the guys were expecting me to do all the heavy lifting for some reason. Not sure if that's a new phenomenon or if it's just the guys in my town. 

The gym people...I've made small talk with a few of them and that's turned into us talking multiple times, but nothing deep. Most of the time it just turns into mutual acknowledgment when we see each other and a surface-level comment or a joke. One of the guys asked me out multiple times, but I get really strange vibes and he's said some inappropriate things. However, I have a friend and a new acquaintance who both work out there as well and they have mentioned wanting to introduce me to others, not necessarily to date but to kind of widen my social circle there. So, I hope to pick that back up when we're allowed to go to the gym again. Other than that, I think the dog park is the second best place I might meet guys here.

As far as what I'm attracted to, there are specific physical things I like as in dark hair and athletic. I don't think I'm too choosy but I definitely have a type and I see plenty of guys that interest me from a "looks" standpoint. Other than that, I really want a genuinely kind person and someone I can talk to about a variety of topics like politics, etc. I also like guys that are goofy...as in don't take themselves too seriously.

[Dog Lover 82]

1 hour ago, Woggle said:

Maybe break out of that shyness a little bit and try to be more social with men that interest you. Most men these days will not initiate unless they can see a clear invite and that goes for any age.

I feel like I'm trying so hard, but I have a feeling my signals are way more subtle than they feel to me. I'm still trying to build up giving a smile to the ones I like...easier said than done!

[Ami1uwant]

9 hours ago, Tina Marie 82 said:

I feel like I'm trying so hard, but I have a feeling my signals are way more subtle than they feel to me. I'm still trying to build up giving a smile to the ones I like...easier said than done!

I cant pick up subtle ....

 

on my response....

if I was the guy talking to you and I had some interest in you I’d probably ask some small talk questions to find out more about you

what did you do over the weekend...this May draw out if you have a boyfriend or find out what interests you have. If I got nothing responses I’d just pull back..still be polite and say hi.  If I got replies I would ask about getting together for a date.  This doesn’t mean I just want what’s in your pants..it means I’m interested in learning more about you and find out if thus could be at least a friendship.

 

what I’ve known for 20+ yrs....there are two groups of guys.  Ones that look at females as equals and others that don’t.  With this comes the idea that men and women can be friends.

 

 

 

 

[BC1980]

You're expired if you want to get married and have a family. You're not expired if you simply want to get married. At your age, you're probably gonna need to look in the 40+ range, so you're looking at someone that likely already had kids and is divorced/widowed. There's nothing at all wrong with any of that, but you just need to be realistic. 
 

I'm 39, so I'm where you're at. You're at the age where you have to move on from the idea of getting married and having a family. You missed that stage of life. It's time to move onto a different stage of life. It will take some time to orient yourself to this reality, and it might look different than you wanted or expected.

Edited April 14, 2020 by BC1980

[Cookiesandough]

^Hmmm maybe less likely, but people do get married and have families after age 39. I am living proof of that. So many it's not so absolute?

[SumGuy]

39 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said:

^Hmmm maybe less likely, but people do get married and have families after age 39. I am living proof of that. So many it's not so absolute?

Same.  My youngest was born when at age 41.   The average for getting married I've seen to be mid 30s, very few getting married in their 20s, in the higher socio-economic demographic.

[CollinW]

14 hours ago, Tina Marie 82 said:

I feel like I'm trying so hard, but I have a feeling my signals are way more subtle than they feel to me. I'm still trying to build up giving a smile to the ones I like...easier said than done!

Just from the way you've described your past dating life I can already tell you, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that your signals are all mental. Shy women swear they're giving off signals but in reality if they could watch a recording of their non-verbal communications they'd be embarrassed at how neutral they look. 

Your effort needs to match your desire. If you really desire a healthy dating life then you need to put the same effort into interacting that you did with your education. Even if that means walking up to a man and dragging him to your lair. Sitting around expecting men to approach you because of a quick glance is low risk and without risk there is no reward. And it's honestly lazy too. 

Seriously, women need to remove the entitlement from their dating expectations and start putting in work to get what they want. 

[Cookiesandough]

22 minutes ago, SumGuy said:

Same.  My youngest was born when at age 41.   The average for getting married I've seen to be mid 30s, very few getting married in their 20s, in the higher socio-economic demographic.

Awesome. You are a guy too though? Guys sperm goes bad, but they don't have a 100% cut off date like women. Women do have a cut off date for kids, but for most women it is far later than 37. 

Edited April 14, 2020 by Cookiesandough

[Woggle]

Some women have babies at 50. That is late but the point is that 37 is not close to being too late to do it. As far as romance goes nobody expires until they are dead.

[SumGuy]

30 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said:

Awesome. You are a guy too though? Guys sperm goes bad, but they don't have a 100% cut off date like women. Women do have a cut off date for kids, but for most women it is far later than 37. 

I'm a guy.  The whole sperm thing is very complicated I understand, as in things go bad as in more bad swimmers, but a lot of environmental factors can do that too, at any age...there is also volume, and even more.  Believe you have enough even into your 60s though.   Not that I'd want that anyway, have kids no desire for creating new ones.  And my guys can't get out of the pool anymore  so no worries.

Women having children in their mid 40s is not uncommon in my experience, yes sometime it may take some help, but 37 is still young enough in my understanding.

Edited April 14, 2020 by SumGuy

[Ami1uwant]

54 minutes ago, SumGuy said:

Same.  My youngest was born when at age 41.   The average for getting married I've seen to be mid 30s, very few getting married in their 20s, in the higher socio-economic demographic.

It’s because of career responsibility.  You have to build your career till roughly 35 then  start having kids.

 

 

[SummerDreams]

To be honest I have a feeling that older people have it easier finding a partner because most of the superficial things that matter when they are younger (looks, sex, social status etc) don't matter as they age almost at all. Older people focus on the things that matter which is how good a person is in heart, caring, loyal and so on. I'm imagining that if I ever find myself single again and I'm old, I'll just join some hobby group with older people and I'll find a partner easily and they won't care how I look, what I'm wearing, if i'm rich or if my hair is nicely done.

That being said, I'm in your age and of course you are not old or expired or however you put it.

[Ami1uwant]

6 minutes ago, SumGuy said:

I'm a guy.  The whole sperm thing is very complicated I understand, as in things go bad as in more bad swimmers, but a lot of environmental factors can do that too, at any age...there is also volume, and even more.  Believe you have enough even into your 60s though.   Not that I'd want that anyway, have kids no desire for creating new ones.  And my guys can't get out of the pool anymore  so no worries.

Women having children in their mid 40s is not uncommon in my experience, yes sometime it may take some help, but 37 is still young enough in my understanding.

Medically without fertilization assistance, getting pregnant at 40 or older is very rare..not impossible but very rare.

[SumGuy]

5 minutes ago, Ami1uwant said:

Medically without fertilization assistance, getting pregnant at 40 or older is very rare..not impossible but very rare.

Must be something in the water then where i live   or good fertility drugs, don't know..do know their age and they have children and it is more than half in that age group that try it it works for.   In most cases know it is not IVF.    There are also factors beside age, not sure if your health matters but the women who come to mind are in far, far better shape than the average American their age.

[Cookiesandough]

14 minutes ago, Ami1uwant said:

Medically without fertilization assistance, getting pregnant at 40 or older is very rare..not impossible but very rare.

Not true. That's based on dated/inaccurate research that actually shows that women at 40 have a higher chance to get pregnant than women at 35. Yes, fertility declines with age, but doesn't mean that it is "rare" to get pregnant after 40. t's simply because women after 40 are less likely to want to have a child, therefore are not trying, or they do not try for many years as women who are younger without IVF because they see it as more urgent,  so it impacts the research too.