TLA1981 Posted April 12, 2020 Share Posted April 12, 2020 (edited) I am friends with a married couple, we hang out a lot together and they come to a lot of the same social events. I have noticed the man in the couple overtly stare at me, giving me an obvious up and down look, he compliments my looks a lot in front of his wife. When we are having a one on one conversation I feel as if his eye contact gets much more intense and he gets extremely nervous, I kind of over looked this all but then once when he was standing behind me I could feel front of his body against the back of mine. That is not something I have ever had any platonic male friend do to me. That was kind of weird. I have told my husband about this and he doesn't like it. I am naturally a very outgoing and bubbly person, so if he does like me, maybe he mistook my friendliness for something else. I guess I am kind of annoyed he is looking me over and complimenting me right in front of my friend, his wife when he should be complimenting her. If he does indeed like me, what do I do? Should I tell my friend? I don't want to break her heart but if he is flirting with me, I feel she should know what he is doing Edited April 12, 2020 by TLA1981 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted April 12, 2020 Share Posted April 12, 2020 If he's doing it in front of his wife, she's likely already picked up on it, OP. Tell him directly to please stop, as it makes you uncomfortable. Do so in front of his wife if need be. That will probably put an end to it. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
K.K. Posted April 12, 2020 Share Posted April 12, 2020 If he’s going googley eyed and making comments about you in front of her, she must not care or is too sweet/non confrontational to say anything. Maybe they’re swingers. If not and you don’t like it, just tell him in front of her to put his rude married eyes back in his head. He’ll get the hint loud and clear and you’ll make brownie points with your friend. 😉 2 Link to post Share on other sites
oldtruck Posted April 12, 2020 Share Posted April 12, 2020 see her, NC with the dirt bag, err i meant the jerk, err typo i meant her WH, for he probably has already cheated on her before you. Link to post Share on other sites
schlumpy Posted April 12, 2020 Share Posted April 12, 2020 It could temporary infatuation that will resolve itself with a short period of time. Why make a bigger deal out of it then it is? Unless he directly approaches you. Then you can unload on him. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted April 12, 2020 Share Posted April 12, 2020 Unless he actually makes a move on you I wouldn't tell his wife. At this point all you have to tell her is that you "think" he has a thing for you. Even if you're right, I wouldn't stir up trouble because you don't like the way he "looks" at you. Now if he actually says something or touches you, then yes. Tell her. But for now, just keep your distance as much as possible. The next time he compliments you in front of his wife you can say it makes you uncomfortable, in front of both of them. Or if your husband is there too he can say hey, stop hitting on my wife in a joking but not joking way. The point will be made. Chances are good this isn't the first time he's done this. She's probably not as clueless as you think. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
understand50 Posted April 12, 2020 Share Posted April 12, 2020 Leave it alone. I been married over 45 years, and in that time, I have fallen in and out of "lust" many times. I do not do anything about it, as I am married, and I know after long experience, it will pass. My wife will always be here. I suspect that same happens to her, and all men and women at some time. The trick is not to act when your lower mind gets going. Actions are the only coin to judge and be judged by. To try and figure out what is in someone mind is impossible. Unless he makes a move, then you can bring it up. If he making you uncomfortable, that is a matter of opinion. You may need to look at why you think he is interested in you. Not saying he is not, but I think we our as society too easy to offended or read into things. All, I am saying you should also examine yourself as well be for you say anything. I wish you luck. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted April 12, 2020 Share Posted April 12, 2020 10 hours ago, TLA1981 said: then once when he was standing behind me I could feel front of his body against the back of mine. Was he "pleased to see you" if you know what I mean? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
heartwhole2 Posted April 12, 2020 Share Posted April 12, 2020 Married or not, it's not cool for this man to treat you like he can look at you and touch you however he wants. Assume he's doing it on purpose and act accordingly. I'd keep my distance physically and emotionally and if necessary, assert boundaries. "Excuse me, I'm not comfortable with how you're touching me." 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Difficultstuff Posted April 12, 2020 Share Posted April 12, 2020 Yep, I agree with the majority here. I suspect you're right, he's got some kind of undeveloped attraction. And it's making you uncomfortable, so distance yourself and just say you're uncomfortable if it happens again. Or make a joke of it if it happens in company. No need to involve his wife or get in between their relationship. It's likely he'll just back off. Possibly he'll deny it or throw it back on you: "I can't believe you feel that/I really didn't mean it like that" etc. If he does, don't take the bait and/or argue with him. But hopefully he'll just apologise and amend his behavior in future. Link to post Share on other sites
Dimjo9 Posted April 12, 2020 Share Posted April 12, 2020 11 hours ago, TLA1981 said: I am friends with a married couple, we hang out a lot together and they come to a lot of the same social events. I have noticed the man in the couple overtly stare at me, giving me an obvious up and down look, he compliments my looks a lot in front of his wife. When we are having a one on one conversation I feel as if his eye contact gets much more intense and he gets extremely nervous, I kind of over looked this all but then once when he was standing behind me I could feel front of his body against the back of mine. That is not something I have ever had any platonic male friend do to me. That was kind of weird. I have told my husband about this and he doesn't like it. I am naturally a very outgoing and bubbly person, so if he does like me, maybe he mistook my friendliness for something else. I guess I am kind of annoyed he is looking me over and complimenting me right in front of my friend, his wife when he should be complimenting her. If he does indeed like me, what do I do? Should I tell my friend? I don't want to break her heart but if he is flirting with me, I feel she should know what he is doing Hi, Stop hanging out with them. Your H will be naturally annoyed he loves u.. if things were reversed u would feel same ?? Easy to break the camaraderie & concentrate on your H.. Both of u can do things together & he should be the one u only trust.. no perfect marriage but our spouses will not hurt us.. Lots of cheatings started as friendship & progressed.. You only realize the consequence when its too late.. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Robert2016 Posted April 12, 2020 Share Posted April 12, 2020 Consider distancing yourself from him (them) for a month or so and give him time to cool off. IMO, some people are very dense so the direct approach is the best approach. The next time he stares or touches you, call him out immediately (use humor if you can) and your husband (if present) should immediately second your comment. Link to post Share on other sites
usa1ah Posted April 12, 2020 Share Posted April 12, 2020 Why haven’t you told him to back the f*** off?!?!?! You are the one allowing this to happen. You have the power to shut his advances down, why haven’t you? Is it because you like it? Shut it down. If he continues the advances then stop hanging out with them and tell the wife why. If he is openly doing this in front of his wife, she might know what he is up to and is ok with it. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
usa1ah Posted April 12, 2020 Share Posted April 12, 2020 3 hours ago, elaine567 said: Was he "pleased to see you" if you know what I mean? The question is, was OP as pleased as he was seeing how she did nothing about it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author TLA1981 Posted April 12, 2020 Author Share Posted April 12, 2020 3 minutes ago, usa1ah said: The question is, was OP as pleased as he was seeing how she did nothing about it. No. I considered it creepy. It just happened so fast I didn't say anything because right after it happened I was then in a group of friends including my friends including his wife. I have not seen him since that incident. Link to post Share on other sites
usa1ah Posted April 12, 2020 Share Posted April 12, 2020 1 minute ago, TLA1981 said: No. I considered it creepy. It just happened so fast I didn't say anything because right after it happened I was then in a group of friends including my friends including his wife. I have not seen him since that incident. Ok. Thanks for explaining the situation a little more. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author TLA1981 Posted April 12, 2020 Author Share Posted April 12, 2020 9 minutes ago, usa1ah said: Why haven’t you told him to back the f*** off?!?!?! You are the one allowing this to happen. You have the power to shut his advances down, why haven’t you? Is it because you like it? Shut it down. If he continues the advances then stop hanging out with them and tell the wife why. If he is openly doing this in front of his wife, she might know what he is up to and is ok with it. No, I just have not seen him since that incident. I don't like attention from married men. Link to post Share on other sites
Author TLA1981 Posted April 12, 2020 Author Share Posted April 12, 2020 1 hour ago, Dimjo9 said: Hi, Stop hanging out with them. Your H will be naturally annoyed he loves u.. if things were reversed u would feel same ?? Easy to break the camaraderie & concentrate on your H.. Both of u can do things together & he should be the one u only trust.. no perfect marriage but our spouses will not hurt us.. Lots of cheatings started as friendship & progressed.. You only realize the consequence when its too late.. Of course I would feel the same. I dont like attention from married men. I find it creepy. Link to post Share on other sites
usa1ah Posted April 12, 2020 Share Posted April 12, 2020 1 minute ago, TLA1981 said: No, I just have not seen him since that incident. I don't like attention from married men. You are still allowing this to happen. you keeping quite and not confronting him when he does these things tells him that you are ok with it. Is it just married men you don’t like attention from? Link to post Share on other sites
Author TLA1981 Posted April 12, 2020 Author Share Posted April 12, 2020 1 minute ago, usa1ah said: You are still allowing this to happen. you keeping quite and not confronting him when he does these things tells him that you are ok with it. Is it just married men you don’t like attention from? I like attention from my husband. That's it. I will confront him next time I see him, I have not seen him since the last incident Link to post Share on other sites
usa1ah Posted April 12, 2020 Share Posted April 12, 2020 Just now, TLA1981 said: I like attention from my husband. That's it. I will confront him next time I see him, I have not seen him since the last incident That’s the spirit I was looking for. Link to post Share on other sites
usa1ah Posted April 12, 2020 Share Posted April 12, 2020 (edited) People ready don’t realize that you have to fight to protect your marriage. if you told your husband all of this, has he said anything about dropping these friends? Edited April 12, 2020 by usa1ah Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted April 12, 2020 Share Posted April 12, 2020 This happened to me several years ago. And it wasn't just a friend, it was my BIL whom I've been friends with since high school (and he was also my first date but now is married to my sis). I was so taken off guard the first time he did it (in my case, rubbed his hand across my lower back) I didn't know WHAT to do. I chalked it up to alcohol and my possible misinterpretation. After he did it again a few months later? I emailed him a ceast and desist note the very next day! Told him if it EVER happened again I would tell my sister. He was apologetic and it never happened again and we somehow managed to maintain a fairly normal friendship until he decided to stop talking to every single person in his life who is a Christian but that's a whole 'nother issue (we don't speak at all now). However, a few years ago my sis found out anyway when my ex-husband was mad at me and them (because they did not want him on their property), and he told my sister about it via text. Ugh. So, my advice? Keep your distance and if/when it happens again, call him out right away! 3 Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted April 12, 2020 Share Posted April 12, 2020 4 minutes ago, usa1ah said: People ready don’t realize that you have to fight to protect your marriage. if you told your husband all of this, has he said anything about dropping these friends? When I told my husband about what happened to me, he thought it was hilarious! Just one of many reasons he was not a good husband to me. He's my ex now. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Dimjo9 Posted April 12, 2020 Share Posted April 12, 2020 1 hour ago, TLA1981 said: Of course I would feel the same. I dont like attention from married men. I find it creepy. Its good to hear.. Im a H myself not perfect but my W can trust & 100% i will not hurt her.. this goes to your H too..👍🏻👍🏻 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts