Guy I met online mentioned my weight and size!

[Interstellar]

Two of the touchiest subjects in dating:  Who was eating all the food? and who’s paying for the date?

Edited April 13, 2020 by Interstellar

[Fletch Lives]

Guys, never talk about a woman's body. You can say, "You look nice", or, "You are beautiful", but that's about it. Anything else, and you are likely to find yourself in the doghouse.

 

 

[Gr8fuln2020]

Well, it doesn't seem clear whether the OP has moved on or not, so despite all the consternation and protestations, she continues to communicate with this guy? Did I miss a post where she has blocked him and unfriended him on FB?

He was definitely being a passive aggressive jerk. A lot of this can be easily avoided if people would put up recent, full-body pics of themselves where their body is not covered up by clothing that conceals too much. I am into fit women and based on pics, early conversation about being active, and setting up a coffee date and then something outdoorsy, I quickly find out if I want to continue. Simple. If there is any doubt, meet the person IN PERSON and determine (more than physical) if he/she is worth pursuing. 

Also, this nihilistic attitude of "why does it matter" what will the other person look like when they are older anyway is silly. Contrary to some people's belief, people (vast majority) assess potential mates based on their contemporary, recent attraction, not what they think they'll look like in ten or twenty years. I am in my 50s, fit, active and I choose to find partners who are also fit, active....

OP. Stop looking at his FB and/or communicating with him. Put up recent, accurate pics of yourself that SHOW your body type. If not, you will find more of this.

[miss2017]

9 minutes ago, Gr8fuln2020 said:

Well, it doesn't seem clear whether the OP has moved on or not, so despite all the consternation and protestations, she continues to communicate with this guy? Did I miss a post where she has blocked him and unfriended him on FB?

He was definitely being a passive aggressive jerk. A lot of this can be easily avoided if people would put up recent, full-body pics of themselves where their body is not covered up by clothing that conceals too much. I am into fit women and based on pics, early conversation about being active, and setting up a coffee date and then something outdoorsy, I quickly find out if I want to continue. Simple. If there is any doubt, meet the person IN PERSON and determine (more than physical) if he/she is worth pursuing. 

Also, this nihilistic attitude of "why does it matter" what will the other person look like when they are older anyway is silly. Contrary to some people's belief, people (vast majority) assess potential mates based on their contemporary, recent attraction, not what they think they'll look like in ten or twenty years. I am in my 50s, fit, active and I choose to find partners who are also fit, active....

OP. Stop looking at his FB and/or communicating with him. Put up recent, accurate pics of yourself that SHOW your body type. If not, you will find more of this.

As I said before, my Facebook has recent full body photos of me, so yes he has an accurate idea of how I look like.

His last full body photos though are from 2 years ago, so I am the one now knowing how he looks like.

Ok that’s your opinion, to me attraction is about energy and connection, not about body fat %.

We cannot meet in person now due to the lockdown. But we could do a video chat in which he would quickly see how I look like instead of making rude remarks.

Yes I have stopped conversations with him. If he already makes me feel like this now, imagine in the future? 

We talked a lot in a short amount of time and I guess that probably gave him the comfort and at ease feel to take things too far by doing those remarks.

 

Edited April 13, 2020 by miss2017

[Gr8fuln2020]

2 minutes ago, miss2017 said:

As I said before, my Facebook has recent full body photos of me, so yes he has an accurate idea of how I look like.

His last full body photos though are from 2 years ago, so I am the one now knowing how he looks like.

Ok that’s your opinion, to me attraction is about energy and connection, not about body fat %.

We cannot meet in person now due to the lockdown. But we could do a video chat in which he would quickly see how I look like instead of making rude remarks.

Yes I have stopped conversations with him. If he already makes me feel like this now, imagine in the future? 

We talked a lot in a short amount of time and I guess that probably gave him the comfort and at ease feel to take things too far by doing those remarks.

 

Yes, you did. Sorry forgot about your FB account having accurate pics. May I suggest putting some of them onto your dating profile?

To me attraction is about energy, connection (whatever that means), fitness, health, intelligence, ambition, politics, compassion, the color of your hair, etc. Since we are talking about weight, I focused on it. So, if a 500lbs man approached you would you ignore his weight and focus on his other qualities? We all have our preferences and emphasis on weight, which is often a pretty good indicator of lifestyle and health, is a preference that many have whether they want to openly admit to it or not.

Good for you. Move on and find someone else.

[miss2017]

10 minutes ago, Gr8fuln2020 said:

Yes, you did. Sorry forgot about your FB account having accurate pics. May I suggest putting some of them onto your dating profile?

To me attraction is about energy, connection (whatever that means), fitness, health, intelligence, ambition, politics, compassion, the color of your hair, etc. Since we are talking about weight, I focused on it. So, if a 500lbs man approached you would you ignore his weight and focus on his other qualities? We all have our preferences and emphasis on weight, which is often a pretty good indicator of lifestyle and health, is a preference that many have whether they want to openly admit to it or not.

Good for you. Move on and find someone else.

Well that depends. Some people are overweight because they are fighting depression, or because low self esteem issues, they just don’t take care of themselves, etc, whilst others can be overweight because of health issues.

My sister for example she has always been slim, but she had to stay in bed for the last 5 months of her pregnancy and she gain a LOT of weight. She lost all her weight afterwards, but if she had met someone at the time she was still overweight they would just judge her without knowing what’s going on.

So my point is, people shouldn’t judge others based on how much they weight without knowing them.

Also, weight comes off if you want, but a nasty personality stays forever.

Edited April 13, 2020 by miss2017

[Malin889]

4 hours ago, miss2017 said:

Funny that on his Facebook all his full body photos are from 2 years ago. He doesn’t have any current full body photos of himself. Maybe he is really fat!

Yeah you just need to drop him if you haven’t already. Jerk. I feel bad for any woman who talks to him. 

[Malin889]

4 hours ago, miss2017 said:

On that controlling and passive/aggressive note, he told me this story about a girl he went on a date with:

They were already friends before, so he picked her up to go to a restaurant have dinner.

When they got there, she started paying more attention to what was going on on the TV there than talking to him.

Instead of being honest with her and saying to her something like ‘I don’t think is nice you are watching the TV and not talking to me’, no instead he preferred to start making fun of her and the TV show she was watching in a nasty way. Yes, controlling and passive aggressive!

He got her pis*** off and she said for him to stop doing that or she’ll get mad, to which he responded ‘ok just take an Uber back home then’!

He said he ended up driving her back home but they never saw each other again.

Yes watching the TV whilst on a restaurant with someone is bad, but he could just have been honest instead of starting to make fun of her and use passive aggressive tactics.

 

 

He sounds like a jerk. That’s funny he told you that story. Didn’t he realize it made him look bad? 

[Gr8fuln2020]

1 hour ago, miss2017 said:

Well that depends. Some people are overweight because they are fighting depression, or because low self esteem issues, they just don’t take care of themselves, etc, whilst others can be overweight because of health issues.

My sister for example she has always been slim, but she had to stay in bed for the last 5 months of her pregnancy and she gain a LOT of weight. She lost all her weight afterwards, but if she had met someone at the time she was still overweight they would just judge her without knowing what’s going on.

So my point is, people shouldn’t judge others based on how much they weight without knowing them.

Also, weight comes off if you want, but a nasty personality stays forever.

So, you will overlook someone who is unhealthy and overweight to the tune of 500-lbs if it is health-related and seriously consider that person a romantic interest? Interestingly saintly of you...

Also, I am not talking about weight gain after the fact...and what do you mean by "judge?" Is it okay to prefer a potential partner based on weight? Ethnicity? Height? Religion? You don't know any of them.

As you indicated, some people have little to no control over their weight because of health/medical reasons. So, not everyone can take off weight if they want to. I will agree that nasty personalities are likely fixed.

Edited April 13, 2020 by Gr8fuln2020

[dangerous]

1 hour ago, miss2017 said:

Well that depends. Some people are overweight because they are fighting depression, or because low self esteem issues, they just don’t take care of themselves, etc, whilst others can be overweight because of health issues.

My sister for example she has always been slim, but she had to stay in bed for the last 5 months of her pregnancy and she gain a LOT of weight. She lost all her weight afterwards, but if she had met someone at the time she was still overweight they would just judge her without knowing what’s going on.

So my point is, people shouldn’t judge others based on how much they weight without knowing them.

Also, weight comes off if you want, but a nasty personality stays forever.

OP you are not letting this go, are you?

My position is that to many people physical compatibility (like with like) is highly important. For example, I am fit and slim. If I match with a girl who looks pretty and then I find out she is overweight (as it was not clear in her photos or description) then that will be a big obstacle for me. Why?

Because, I like slim women generally more than overweight women (sure there are exceptions, but generally).

If she is overweight then that is LIKELY because she does not have the same views on eating, drinking and exercise that I have = incompatibility.

As to saying that some people have a medical reason for being overweight, that is very rare and not a common issue at all. 

 

[miss2017]

9 minutes ago, dangerous said:

OP you are not letting this go, are you?

My position is that to many people physical compatibility (like with like) is highly important. For example, I am fit and slim. If I match with a girl who looks pretty and then I find out she is overweight (as it was not clear in her photos or description) then that will be a big obstacle for me. Why?

Because, I like slim women generally more than overweight women (sure there are exceptions, but generally).

If she is overweight then that is LIKELY because she does not have the same views on eating, drinking and exercise that I have = incompatibility.

As to saying that some people have a medical reason for being overweight, that is very rare and not a common issue at all. 

 

I don’t think you got the point here.

This is not about preferences and etc, this is about this guy being nasty and rude.

It was about weight and body image but it could have been with anything. And I’m pretty sure he is nasty in other things too, but I’m not going to find out because I’m out.

 

[miss2017]

1 hour ago, Malin889 said:

He sounds like a jerk. That’s funny he told you that story. Didn’t he realize it made him look bad? 

Not at all. To him she was on the wrong because she was watching TV whilst they were at the restaurant. The way he reacted is all well to him. So no he has no self awareness at all.

[simpycurious]

21 minutes ago, dangerous said:

OP you are not letting this go, are you?

My position is that to many people physical compatibility (like with like) is highly important. For example, I am fit and slim. If I match with a girl who looks pretty and then I find out she is overweight (as it was not clear in her photos or description) then that will be a big obstacle for me. Why?

Because, I like slim women generally more than overweight women (sure there are exceptions, but generally).

If she is overweight then that is LIKELY because she does not have the same views on eating, drinking and exercise that I have = incompatibility.

As to saying that some people have a medical reason for being overweight, that is very rare and not a common issue at all. 

 

Dangerous, I am like you as far as preferences are concerned but I totally disagree with how this DUDE spoke to Miss. Of course, he has his own preference which is his right  there's no doubt about that but you can not make SNARKY comments towards another like he did.  I am willing to bet that he is not Mr Perfect and that he's  insecure.  Would love to have him workout with our group and then we could see what HE'S made of.  

YOU CANNOT take DIGS at people especially women like he did.

[miss2017]

13 minutes ago, simpycurious said:

Dangerous, I am like you as far as preferences are concerned but I totally disagree with how this DUDE spoke to Miss. Of course, he has his own preference which is his right  there's no doubt about that but you can not make SNARKY comments towards another like he did.  I am willing to bet that he is not Mr Perfect and that he's  insecure.  Would love to have him workout with our group and then we could see what HE'S made of.  

YOU CANNOT take DIGS at people especially women like he did.

Of course. Everyone is entitled at their preferences but they don’t have to be nasty to others. So if I prefer a guy who is a millionaire, am I aloud to make nasty comments about his bank account if he’s not one!? No! I need to shut up and go find a millionaire. Simple.

He is just a nasty disrespectful guy that I don’t want anything else.

Edited April 13, 2020 by miss2017

[poppyfields]

Something that hasn't been mentioned in this thread is his "intent" in making the comments he did.

On their face, and how miss2017 interpreted, they were offensive, rude, disrespectful, nasty.

But we are only hearing her side, we don't know the actual context within those comments were said and his intent for saying them.

I know it's very easy to demonize someone when reading threads like this,  but I like to hear "both" sides before making any sort of  determination w/r/t both his intent and character.

Could it be possible he lacks social grace, and didnt realize how his comments came across?  Or perhaps he was hoping she would display some feistiness and shoot him a snark back to further determine compatibility? 

I for one am willing to give him the benefit of that doubt before making such generalizations that he's a controlling, disrespectful, potential abuser.

I think this is a very sensitive topic for miss as she admitted she has struggled with eating disorders in the past and the like. 

So she took offense, considered his comments "nasty" which is understandable and I can empathize. 

But all this demonizing, before hearing HIS side or knowing his intent isn't right either imo. 

Edited April 13, 2020 by poppyfields

[miss2017]

23 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Something that hasn't been mentioned in this thread is his "intent" in making the comments he did.

On their face, and how miss2017 interpreted, they were offensive, rude, disrespectful, nasty.

But we are only hearing her side, we don't know the actual context within those comments were said and his intent for saying them.

I know it's very easy to demonize someone when reading threads like this,  but I like to hear "both" sides before making any sort of  determination w/r/t both his intent and character.

Could it be possible he lacks social grace, and didnt realize how his comments came across?  Or perhaps he was hoping she would display some feistiness and shoot him a snark back to further determine compatibility? 

I for one am willing to give him the benefit of that doubt before making such generalizations that he's a controlling, disrespectful, potential abuser.

I think this is a very sensitive topic for miss as she admitted she has struggled with eating disorders in the past and the like. 

So she took offense, considered his comments "nasty" which is understandable and I can empathize. 

But all this demonizing, before hearing HIS side or knowing his intent isn't right either imo. 

Yes of course.

The reason I found them offensive, rude, too much, etc, is because he has done it before and I told him I don’t obsess over body image and that I used to be skinny and miserable. I think anyone with common sense would understand.

And a few days later he goes on about it again... so yes I do question his intentions on doing so.

It looks like he knows is a sensitive subject so instead of shut up, he continues to push buttons (this can be considered not only controlling but gaslighting as well).

So our last conversation about this was:

Me: I’ve got a chocolate Easter egg for me and my daughter.

Him: Be careful with your belly!

Me: What about my belly?

Him: Be careful so you won’t fit in your bikini (and inserts a gif of a chubby girl)

Me: As I said before I don’t obsess over those things like other women, my personal value is different than that and I just enjoy my chocolate.

Him: Ahahahah ( and changes subject)

So that was the conversation.

 

Edited April 13, 2020 by miss2017

[poppyfields]

Well, clearly you were extremely offended by those comments, and that is your right.

Best thing to do in a situation like that is block and delete.

No need to demonize, you will encounter a-holes wherever you go, not only online. 

I've had to deal with my fair share of jerks myself.  At least in my opinion they were jerks, another woman might not think so and that is HER right. 

I don't demonize, I just block and delete, next.  Easy peasy. 

Try to let it go miss, okay?  It's good to vent which you have.  Time to move on and find a guy more to your liking.

Hope you're okay and stay safe! xx

 

Edited April 13, 2020 by poppyfields

[stillafool]

16 hours ago, miss2017 said:

Yes, it felt like ‘hey don’t get fat because that’s not what I like’.

That's exactly what he meant.  

[stillafool]

30 minutes ago, miss2017 said:

The reason I found them offensive, rude, too much, etc, is because he has done it before and I told him I don’t obsess over body image and that I used to be skinny and miserable. I think anyone with common sense would understand.

You should have stopped talking to him the first time he did it.  I wouldn't have bothered to tell him that I used to be skinny and miserable because these guys are only interested in the present.  He doesn't need or deserve an explanation.

[Malin889]

1 hour ago, poppyfields said:

But we are only hearing her side, we don't know the actual context within those comments were said and his intent for saying them.

I know it's very easy to demonize someone when reading threads like this,  but I like to hear "both" sides before making any sort of  determination w/r/t both his intent and character.

Could it be possible he lacks social grace, and didnt realize how his comments came across?  Or perhaps he was hoping she would display some feistiness and shoot him a snark back to further determine compatibility? 

I for one am willing to give him the benefit of that doubt before making such generalizations that he's a controlling, disrespectful, potential abuser.

I think this is a very sensitive topic for miss as she admitted she has struggled with eating disorders in the past and the like. 

So she took offense, considered his comments "nasty" which is understandable and I can empathize. 

But all this demonizing, before hearing HIS side or knowing his intent isn't right either imo. 

Yes, but on this site, you are always only hearing the person's side of the story whose post it is. He is rude and that is the bottom line. I don't think he deserves the benefit of the doubt. 

[dangerous]

1 hour ago, miss2017 said:

Yes of course.

The reason I found them offensive, rude, too much, etc, is because he has done it before and I told him I don’t obsess over body image and that I used to be skinny and miserable. I think anyone with common sense would understand.

And a few days later he goes on about it again... so yes I do question his intentions on doing so.

It looks like he knows is a sensitive subject so instead of shut up, he continues to push buttons (this can be considered not only controlling but gaslighting as well).

So our last conversation about this was:

Me: I’ve got a chocolate Easter egg for me and my daughter.

Him: Be careful with your belly!

Me: What about my belly?

Him: Be careful so you won’t fit in your bikini (and inserts a gif of a chubby girl)

Me: As I said before I don’t obsess over those things like other women, my personal value is different than that and I just enjoy my chocolate.

Him: Ahahahah ( and changes subject)

So that was the conversation.

 

Yes I get it now about the way/ or what he said rather than just his preference.

I was indeed talking to a lady online this weekend and she said she had just eaten an easter egg and she was a chocoholic. I replied that I too had just eaten a whole bar of choc and that we were clearly a good match! lol 

 

[MissPinkEyes]

4 minutes ago, dangerous said:

Yes I get it now about the way/ or what he said rather than just his preference.

I was indeed talking to a lady online this weekend and she said she had just eaten an easter egg and she was a chocoholic. I replied that I too had just eaten a whole bar of choc and that we were clearly a good match! lol 

 

lolololol

Maybe I need to find a guy who is happy about life and embrace chocolate too!

But hey I go for a run or for a 10k walk every day, so although I am not obsessed or living for body image, I like to have a balance in my life and be healthy.

Yes I have no problem at all with his preference, it was just the way he said it.

[Ruby Slippers]

His preference is his business, but he's acting like a child. If he can't ascertain from your photos that you meet his standards, he should move along instead of nagging you before you've even met. He doesn't move along because very few women will entertain his rude comments. 

I'd block and delete this chump in half a second.

[MissPinkEyes]

3 minutes ago, Ruby Slippers said:

His preference is his business, but he's acting like a child. If he can't ascertain from your photos that you meet his standards, he should move along instead of nagging you before you've even met. He doesn't move along because very few women will entertain his rude comments. 

Spot on.

[MeadowFlower]

3 hours ago, miss2017 said:

 

So our last conversation about this was:

Me: I’ve got a chocolate Easter egg for me and my daughter.

Him: Be careful with your belly!

Me: What about my belly?

Him: Be careful so you won’t fit in your bikini (and inserts a gif of a chubby girl)

Me: As I said before I don’t obsess over those things like other women, my personal value is different than that and I just enjoy my chocolate.

Him: Ahahahah ( and changes subject)

So that was the conversation.

 

Oh my gosh. Immature. 

Edited April 13, 2020 by MeadowFlower