Guy I met online mentioned my weight and size!

[MissPinkEyes]

1 minute ago, simpycurious said:

I think the thread brings up a valid concern for many.  It's probably a bad idea (teasing or not) to comment on someone's weight/size.  I have friends who struggled to maintain their weight (to effectively engage in a athletic pursuit) and they were just as sensitive about their lack of weight as someone might be that is overweight.  Everyone is more than likely sensitive about something in their lives and you can still kid/tease without being mean spirited 

Totally agree.

As I said before, a conscious man knows the pressure that women (and men) face on society in regards to their body image, so he won't make jokes about it without even knowing the other in person. Also, I mentioned to him the first time he joked about that that I used to be skinny and miserable. I think it's a HUGE hint to not be rude about it, and he goes on and made it even worse.

Anyway, he contacted me again on the dating app asking if I was mad about him about anything since I stopped talking to him. So I took the chance and decided to tell him that yes I didn't like the body fat and bikini jokes. They were inappropriate and too much. He replied... nothing. Nothing at all. Not even an explanation or I'm sorry. Nothing.

So I rest my case. Good riddance.

[simpycurious]

1 minute ago, MissPinkEyes said:

Totally agree.

As I said before, a conscious man knows the pressure that women (and men) face on society in regards to their body image, so he won't make jokes about it without even knowing the other in person. Also, I mentioned to him the first time he joked about that that I used to be skinny and miserable. I think it's a HUGE hint to not be rude about it, and he goes on and made it even worse.

Anyway, he contacted me again on the dating app asking if I was mad about him about anything since I stopped talking to him. So I took the chance and decided to tell him that yes I didn't like the body fat and bikini jokes. They were inappropriate and too much. He replied... nothing. Nothing at all. Not even an explanation or I'm sorry. Nothing.

So I rest my case. Good riddance.

I think that it's good you told him.  Maybe, he was UNAWARE of not only what he said but how it was taken.  Hopefully, he will NOT do that to anyone else male or female. 

[MissPinkEyes]

3 minutes ago, simpycurious said:

I think that it's good you told him.  Maybe, he was UNAWARE of not only what he said but how it was taken.  Hopefully, he will NOT do that to anyone else male or female. 

Well, the fact he responded nothing at all shows that he probably thinks he said nothing wrong and I'm the one who has issues. Anyway, I'm happy too for have been honest and move on.

[amaysngrace]

This new guy I’m talking to did something similar.  He called me skinny.  I hate being called that so I told him that I don’t like being called that and I’m of average BMI and he said what do you like to be called then so I told him normal.

He laughed but I think he received it well.  He hasn’t mentioned my weight since.

[MissPinkEyes]

7 minutes ago, amaysngrace said:

This new guy I’m talking to did something similar.  He called me skinny.  I hate being called that so I told him that I don’t like being called that and I’m of average BMI and he said what do you like to be called then so I told him normal.

He laughed but I think he received it well.  He hasn’t mentioned my weight since.

And you are still talking to him!?

[amaysngrace]

Just now, MissPinkEyes said:

And you are still talking to him!?

Yes but he’s not like your guy, your guy sounds like he wouldn’t let it go even though you were direct about it like I was.

Your guy mentioned it multiple times.  I think that’s rude and disrespectful.

[poppyfields]

42 minutes ago, simpycurious said:

I think the thread brings up a valid concern for many.  It's probably a bad idea (teasing or not) to comment on someone's weight/size.  I have friends who struggled to maintain their weight (to effectively engage in a athletic pursuit) and they were just as sensitive about their lack of weight as someone might be that is overweight.  Everyone is more than likely sensitive about something in their lives and you can still kid/tease without being mean spirited 

You know what sc, I agree with you.  It was in extremely bad taste for him to make those comments, as cookies said his lame attempt at a tease.  

Epic fail.

What I disagree with is the demonization, deeming him "nasty," "controlling," "gaslighting," "potential abuser"?

That's a massive leap based on what little we know, because in my mind, it's quite possible he may simply lack social grace and common sense, have a learning disability, suffer from social anxiety which causes him to say things without thinking, or any other number of things.

Miss2017 mentioned he suffers from depression and has suicidal fantasies, that right there shows he's disordered. 

Miss2017, I am glad you told him!  His response is telling.  To me, it further suggests social inadequacy of some sort, but it doesn't make him a controlling nasty monster.

The stigma of having a mental disorder is difficult enough without having to face that type of demonization all because he made a stupid comment.

I hope he seeks help for his depression, and I hope someday you will be able to let this go and chalk it up to a bad experience with OLD.

Edited April 14, 2020 by poppyfields

[MissPinkEyes]

3 minutes ago, amaysngrace said:

Yes but he’s not like your guy, your guy sounds like he wouldn’t let it go even though you were direct about it like I was.

Your guy mentioned it multiple times.  I think that’s rude and disrespectful.

Yes you are right. Good luck in finding a low self esteem woman who takes that crap.

[amaysngrace]

Exactly Miss Pink!  

I’m glad you next’d him...he’s so not worthy! 

[MissPinkEyes]

1 minute ago, poppyfields said:

You know what sc, I agree with you.  It was in extremely bad taste for him to make those comments, as cookies said his lame attempt at a tease.  

Epic fail.

What I disagree with is the demonization, deeming him "nasty," "controlling," "gaslighting," "potential abuser"?

That's a massive leap based on what little we know, because in my mind, it's quite possible he may simply lack social grace and common sense, have a learning disability, suffer from social anxiety which causes him to say things without thinking, or any other number of things.

Miss2017 mentioned he suffers from depression and has suicidal fantasies, that right there shows he's disordered. 

Miss2017, I am glad you told him!  His response is telling.  To me, it further suggests social inadequacy of some sort, but it doesn't make him a controlling nasty monster.

The stigma of mental of having a mental disorder is difficult enough without having to face that type of demonization all because he made a stupid comment.

I hope he seeks help for his depression, and I hope someday you will be able to let this go and chalk it up to a bad experience with OLD.

Yes you're right we don't need to demonize him in any way. 

The fact the didn't respond anything shows to me that yes he is not the partner I want to have. 

I've met people who are severely depressed and they were passive aggressive and nasty to others as an escape to their inner demons. This guy needs therapy. I wish him well.

[simpycurious]

Poppy is right.  I was in NO WAY SHAPE OR FORM demonizing this dude.  Of course, I have no idea what issues he is dealing with and I hope he gets help and overcomes whatever they are. I just felt he was trying to send a "message" to Miss.  I might be wrong but I don't think so.  I guess that I am just sensitive to not wanting to make someone feel bad about themselves so that's on me.  

[poppyfields]

Well, I honestly don't read this as him being "nasty" but if that's how you choose to see it, that is certainly your prerogative.

I have a bit more empathy, because god only knows, I've said some extremely dumb things in my life, but my intent was never to be nasty, disrespectful or cruel.

Anyway, I'm glad you're moving on, wish you the best, and with covid upon us, please stay safe and best wishes to your PM, Boris Johnson for a speedy recovery

 

Edited April 14, 2020 by poppyfields

[simpycurious]

40 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Well, I honestly don't read this as him being "nasty" but if that's how you choose to see it, that is certainly your prerogative.

I have a bit more empathy, because god only knows, I've said some extremely dumb things in my life, but my intent was never to be nasty, disrespectful or cruel.

Anyway, I'm glad you're moving on, wish you the best, and with covid upon us, please stay safe and best wishes to your PM, Boris Johnson for a speedy recovery

 

People tend to discard UPBRINGING in someone's past (I know it DOES NOT always apply) but I honestly think some people don't realize some of the stuff they say or do is wrong. 

11 hours ago, poppyfields said:

Nothing is too much round here simp.

Talk to us, let us know how you think, the rest of us do!  

Personally I'd like to know what you mean because in my experience many women and men "do" need that type of validation.

That's why they have like a zillion pics on their IG, or even on a dating app.

They thrive on getting attention from their looks and appearance, they seek out that type of validation.  The more "likes" the more validated they feel.  I actually know a few people like this, women mostly. 

JMO, what say you? 

You don't LIKE compliments................and with YOU there would simply HAVE to be some

Edited April 14, 2020 by simpycurious

[poppyfields]

2 minutes ago, simpycurious said:

You don't LIKE compliments................

I like them when I feel they're sincere. 

However, experience has taught me that "sometimes" men compliment simply because they believe it's what women want to hear, "need" to hear, and they have a tendency to overdo it and it comes across (to me) as disingenuous.

And there are some women who do relish in receiving compliments, the more the better; I know many who do, which further supports men's theory that women like/need that type of validation. 

Which is fine, not judging, to each their own, I'm just not one of those women.

However, as I said, when sincere, I DO like and appreciate.  And I can tell the difference. 

[MissPinkEyes]

1 hour ago, simpycurious said:

Poppy is right.  I was in NO WAY SHAPE OR FORM demonizing this dude.  Of course, I have no idea what issues he is dealing with and I hope he gets help and overcomes whatever they are. I just felt he was trying to send a "message" to Miss.  I might be wrong but I don't think so.  I guess that I am just sensitive to not wanting to make someone feel bad about themselves so that's on me.  

I felt that too. He was trying to say to me indirectly "don't get fat as I don't like fat women"...

Well go back to the Catalogue then.

[poppyfields]

14 minutes ago, MissPinkEyes said:

I felt that too. He was trying to say to me indirectly "don't get fat as I don't like fat women"...

Well go back to the Catalogue then.

Pink, I highly doubt his intention was to make you feel bad, he liked you, probably still likes you, wanted to meet you, why would he intentionally want to make you feel bad?

What kind of experiences have you had that would cause you to jump to such a negative conclusion?  

The guy's got issues, clearly, social dysfunction of some sort OR perhaps he's had positive experiences with those types of comments in the past, are you familiar with advice given on PUA sites, "negs" and such?  

The bottom line is we just don't know and until we do, which we most likely never will cause you've chosen not to meet him, attaching all these negative qualities to him, which are nothing more than assumptions, is just wrong and to be honest, equally nasty imo.

Let it go....

 

Edited April 14, 2020 by poppyfields

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

2 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Pink, I highly doubt his intention was to make you feel bad, he liked you, probably still likes you, wanted to meet you, why would he want to make you feel bad?

What kind of experiences have you had that would cause you to jump to such a negative conclusion?  

 

I don't think she meant he was trying to make her feel bad.  He wasn't thinking of HER feelings at all - good or bad.  He was just making clear what his priority is in a pretty ignorant way.

[MissPinkEyes]

5 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Pink, I highly doubt his intention was to make you feel bad, he liked you, probably still likes you, wanted to meet you, why would he want to make you feel bad?

What kind of experiences have you had that would cause you to jump to such a negative conclusion?  

The guy's got some issues, clearly, social dysfunction of some sort OR perhaps he's had positive experiences with those types of comments, are you familiar with PUA sites, negs and such? 

The bottom line is we just don't know and until we do, which we most likely never will cause you've chosen not to meet him, attaching all these negative qualities to him, which are nothing more than assumptions, is just wrong and to be honest, equally nasty imo.

Let it go....

 

"What kind of experiences have you had that would cause you to jump to such a negative conclusion?  "

Because he made those remarks before, I said to him I am not obsessed about body image and I used to be skinny and miserable and now I like to eat what I want and be happy. 

And he chose to continue to make those type of remarks again. So probably was not to make me feel bad per se, but to tell me not to get fat because he doesn't like it.

"The bottom line is we just don't know and until we do, which we most likely never will cause you've chosen not to meet him, attaching all these negative qualities to him, which are nothing more than assumptions, is just wrong and to be honest, equally nasty imo."

He contacted me on the dating site today asking why I stopped messaging him, and I told him why. That I feel his comments were inappropriate and too much. He responded NOTHING. So, he had an opportunity to explain himself but he chose not to. Wish him well then.

Edited April 14, 2020 by MissPinkEyes

[poppyfields]

2 minutes ago, CautiouslyOptimistic said:

He was just making clear what his priority is in a pretty ignorant way.

Can't argue with that....

[MissPinkEyes]

5 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Can't argue with that....

Good he did so our incompatibility is clear and we don't waste anymore of our time. He can go find a skinny woman and I can go find a conscious respectful man. 

[poppyfields]

10 minutes ago, MissPinkEyes said:

He contacted me on the dating site today asking why I stopped messaging him, and I told him why. That I feel his comments were inappropriate and too much. He responded NOTHING. So, he had an opportunity to explain himself but he chose not to. Wish him well then.

Well, at least he didnt feed you some BS excuse or flip the script telling you "you're too sensitive"  - THAT would be gaslighting.  And trust me, there are plenty of men who would have done that.

He may have felt bad and didnt know what to say, which further supports social dysfunction.  And he wouldn't be the only man in the world who has trouble saying I'm sorry.

Look, I'm not taking his side, again, the comment and the gif he sent was in extremely poor taste but can you please stop assuming he's this or that and attaching all these nasty qualities to him, it's been 8 pages of this?

What purpose is it serving? 

For your own peace of mind Pink, try to let this go, it's not a healthy thought process.

Edited April 14, 2020 by poppyfields

[miss2017]

32 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Well, at least he didnt feed you some BS excuse or flip the script telling you "you're too sensitive"  - THAT would be gaslighting.  And trust me, there are plenty of men who would have done that.

He may have felt bad and didnt know what to say, which further supports social dysfunction.  And he wouldn't be the only man in the world who has trouble saying I'm sorry.

Look, I'm not taking his side, again, the comment and the gif he sent was in extremely poor taste but can you please stop assuming he's this or that and attaching all these nasty qualities to him, it's been 8 pages of this?

What purpose is it serving? 

For your own peace of mind Pink, try to let this go, it's not a healthy thought process.

I’m not counting the pages, people are responding to me and I want to respond to them, that’s it.

The bottom line is we are not compatible. And yes I’m letting this go and start talking to other guys.

Edited April 14, 2020 by miss2017

[preraph]

Poppy, it makes me wonder who you know who is like this guy, the way you're defending him page after page.  You may need to develop some boundaries or you're going to end up letting a problematic guy in and regret it one day.  

[nospam99]

Actually off topic, but I'm curious ....

OP, a couple of times you've mentioned that you told this guy that you ''used to be skinny and miserable''. I'm a guy, but I've never been skinny and miserable. When I was skinny decades ago (my grade school nickname was 'toothpick'), I wasn't miserable but I wanted to bulk up. I did eventually and I think working out with free weights is what got the job done.

But that's me. What kind of 'skinny' made you miserable? Toothpick skinny? Low but healthy body fat percentage skinny? The skinny that I can imagine would make someone miserable, other than toothpick skinny, is either anorexia (don't answer that idea unless you're REALLY comfortable discussing it) or 'hate not being able to eat what I want' skinny.

I guess my problem is my idea of what skinny means. To me, even such exceptional people as fashion models (including SI swimsuit models AND male models, too) are nevertheless 'healthy' rather than 'skinny'. I've had that body type (not lately) when my physical activity level was great enough to burn off every calorie I consumed. I wouldn't have thought of myself as 'skinny' and I didn't feel miserable at all.

[miss2017]

15 minutes ago, nospam99 said:

Actually off topic, but I'm curious ....

OP, a couple of times you've mentioned that you told this guy that you ''used to be skinny and miserable''. I'm a guy, but I've never been skinny and miserable. When I was skinny decades ago (my grade school nickname was 'toothpick'), I wasn't miserable but I wanted to bulk up. I did eventually and I think working out with free weights is what got the job done.

But that's me. What kind of 'skinny' made you miserable? Toothpick skinny? Low but healthy body fat percentage skinny? The skinny that I can imagine would make someone miserable, other than toothpick skinny, is either anorexia (don't answer that idea unless you're REALLY comfortable discussing it) or 'hate not being able to eat what I want' skinny.

I guess my problem is my idea of what skinny means. To me, even such exceptional people as fashion models (including SI swimsuit models AND male models, too) are nevertheless 'healthy' rather than 'skinny'. I've had that body type (not lately) when my physical activity level was great enough to burn off every calorie I consumed. I wouldn't have thought of myself as 'skinny' and I didn't feel miserable at all.

I’ve had an eating disorder for several years where I would police every single thing I eat and would exercise as crazy.

I wasn’t anorexic and by ‘normal’ standards I was skinny and fit, but I had low self esteem and was miserable not eating what I want when I want. And yes it was all due to some nasty comments from a past boyfriend I had that I was fat (this was 15 years ago).

I overcame all that, reached a normal weight and now I have a healthy relationship with food and my body. So no I don’t tolerate nasty comments about my body or weight and I’m not going down that rabbit hole again.

I want a partner that feels so lucky and happy to have found me that he doesn’t give a s*** to what my weight is.

Because I feel happy with myself now and deserve nothing less than that.

Edited April 14, 2020 by miss2017