I (23/F) am desperate for support in my decision.

[confusedn]

Hi, I’m new here! I just ended things with my boyfriend of about a year and I feel like I did the right thing, but I’m also struggling with mixed feelings. I just need further advice and support. 
 

Some background: we met on Tinder last year. It was complicated for about 6 months of him saying he “wasn’t ready for a relationship” and me giving in to being friends with benefits because I was desperate for any connection to him. He would tell me he loved me and would be hurt if I saw other people, but then would continue to use tinder and tell me he wasn’t ready for anything serious. 
 

Well, as if that should have been the first red flag, he finally asked me to be his girlfriend in Dec. I was so happy. I finally felt affirmation and like everything was worth it. I should mention that throughout all of this, he had a drinking problem and had told me he used cocaine in the past. I never saw him use it before, but his drinking was never incredibly bad. Well that all changed. 
 

He began drinking to the point of blacking out almost 3x per week. I started to feel alone. I went to sleep alone and he could get very belligerent. He began getting physical and verbally abusive. I spoke with him and he said he knew he was an alcoholic and I didn’t deserve that and he would stop drinking. That’s when I found out he had also been doing coke the whole time because he finally owned up to it. I was shocked because I had never been around someone who did that and I have my life together. Why would I be with someone like this I thought? I still don’t know why I can’t get over him.... 

Anyways, long story short, in between all of this, he would begin saying things like “ well I’m not the only one with issues that need changing. If this is going to work you need to fix some things about yourself like you need to lose weight, you watch too many YouTube videos”. Mind you, I am 5’6 and 150 lbs. I liked myself before all of this. I have a college degree and a full time, good paying job. He is unemployed and has been the whole duration of this, has no car, and no degree. 
 

I’ve been working so many hours due to covid, I’m a nurse. I forgot to mention that I’ve been stressed, obviously. I came home two nights crying and after the second night, he was drunk and said that I stress him out and he didn’t know if he could be with me and I kept saying sorry and he told me to get out of his house and I was begging and finally he let me stay. 
 

2 nights ago, I was sleeping soundly. I had taken a sleeping pill, went to bed by 9, I had work at 5am. He was up drinking to oblivion and playing video games in the other room. At around 1230, he came in and ripped all of the covers off of me. He refused to give them back. I was just so done because he’s done this to me before when drunk and I know it’ll go one for hours and I was so tired. I basically told him to F off, that he didn’t respect me. He then completely changed and said “you’re an f’ing bi***, I f’ing hate you. Get the f out, I don’t want you here. I can’t wait until it’s tomorrow so I can break up with you.” Over and over. I was begging, trying to hug him, crying asking if he really means it and he said yes. Then he started punching me in my back and shoving me into the wall in bed. I kept telling him to stop but he kept hitting me. He’s slapped me in my face and made my nose ring bleed. I asked if he wanted to hurt me and he said I guess so and did it again. I texted his mom help and she came in his room, but he pretended to be sleeping. She let me sleep in her room and told me to never see him again. 
 

so yesterday, I told him he will never lay a hand on me again and that I was scared of him, because I was. He was saying things like “I wasn’t that bad, you know things were great, just last night was unacceptable” like the other times he hit me or called me fat or talked about what he liked about his exes weren’t bad. Basically, I decided it is best for me to move back home. I don’t recognize myself anymore. I know if I stay here, I will go back to him. He knows how to make me feel bad, saying he just has a problem, he’s broken, he was very drunk and that’s why it happened. I don’t know what is wrong with me that I am so in love with him. I just need some outside support. He wasn’t even willing to say he would quit drinking because last night scared him and how he treated me. I just feel like I’m not good enough, I wasted a year of my life giving someone my all who just used me. I just need support, or confirmation that this is the right choice. Please. 

[stillafool]

Please do not go back this time.  His mother is right, don't see him again.  You have got to raise your standards and not beg for a man who doesn't want you.  Plus this one is an alcoholic and he meant what he said when he was drunk.  It will not get better bur only worse.  The more you take of his abuse the more you'll get.  Don't get down in the cutter with him or in a year from now you won't recognize yourself.  LEAVE HIM ALONE NOW!  He needs help for his addictions but you aren't the one who can help him.

[andytuotuo]

It is so hard and crazy how much some of us change in a relationship. We destroy ourselves in it hoping the worse wouldn't come. We hang up to the last bit of warmness of the other person so we wouldn't have to be alone and face our lost soul. It is so painful, we think we would rather micro dose on our drug. 

it will hurt, probably for a while. You know what is the best for you. The process won't be fun, but you also know what you deserve.

[ExpatInItaly]

Are you able to seek some counselling, OP?  They will hopefully be able to help you understand why you entangled yourself with such an awful man, and provide you some strategies to avoid toxic relationships in the future. 

As for him? Stay the hell away from him. He is going to gravely injure you one of these days, and it will be both physically and mentally. He is has serious problems and this isn't going to get better. 

[TeddyBundy1993]

Hes manipulative creepy selfish man who knows your weakness that how to extract the best from you.  It's very clear he knows how to control you and it's sad. I have seen many women sticking to a abusive relationship for long, in a hope that things would change but they go worse instead just in your case. He has drugs and alcohol problem plus he wont respect you. You should have called cops on this retard. Are you his punching bag ?

He is a man you should run away as far as you can. All relationship have issues but issues in this relationship is beyond any fix. Its has all red flag cheap manipulation physical emotional abuse drug problem. I wonder what makes you go along with this he has kept you on a hook from day 1 keeping as a baggage for sex only with no commitment.  You need to make this desperation go away. Today he punched and slapped you,  tommrow he might choke you to death. Dont degrade yourself for someone, a healthy relationship is a two way street journey.  Think about your mental health and your future,  you want to go on a long haul with this unemployed selfish narcissist doper alcoholic? What outcome can you expect my dear ? Life is short, I bet this abuse will go on and increase if you go back. I have many friends who were stuck in same abusive relationships who sticked around became moms even but nothing changed eventually they left with much more complications with kids from such abusive partners. 

Dont fear to be alone. You ll be fine and become more strong as time goes by.  You'll build your life without him happy and peaceful. Block this garbage everywhere, dont talk so you give no chance to him to manipulate. 

[kendahke]

Wait!!! WHAT?!?!

21 hours ago, confusedn said:

like the other times he hit me

This wasn't the first time he put his hands on you?

This:

21 hours ago, confusedn said:

you need to lose weight, you watch too many YouTube videos”.

in NOWHERE near being in the same universe nor carrying the same mass and weight as:

Quote

He began drinking to the point of blacking out almost 3x per week.

He said he knew he was an alcoholic 

I found out he had also been doing coke the whole time

In the first place, coke possession is a felony crime--that means jail time, a record and voting rights removed.

He's got a substance abuse problem for which he needs to be in detox and treatment.

21 hours ago, confusedn said:

He is unemployed and has been the whole duration of this, has no car, and no degree. he told me to get out of his house

Where does he get the money to buy coke and booze?  Do you still have all of your jewelry?

You have to know that staying with someone who does this to you is not healthy, right?

21 hours ago, confusedn said:

I decided it is best for me to move back home.

That is the best thing you can do--that an taking his mother's advice. She knows her son.

 

21 hours ago, confusedn said:

He wasn’t even willing to say he would quit drinking because last night scared him and how he treated me.

I can guarantee you that it didn't scare him enough to check himself into detox this morning. At the end of the day, he doesn't care how he treated you--if he did, as I said, he'd be checked into detox by now.

No, what will scare him is being arraigned in a court of law for either seriously injuring you or killing you. There is nothing about you or what you will/won't do that scares him.

Don't put your life in peril by falling for thinking that your love will cure him. It won't. Love doesn't cure this.

[confusedn]

4 hours ago, kendahke said:

Wait!!! WHAT?!?!

This wasn't the first time he put his hands on you?

This:

in NOWHERE near being in the same universe nor carrying the same mass and weight as:

In the first place, coke possession is a felony crime--that means jail time, a record and voting rights removed.

He's got a substance abuse problem for which he needs to be in detox and treatment.

Where does he get the money to buy coke and booze?  Do you still have all of your jewelry?

You have to know that staying with someone who does this to you is not healthy, right?

That is the best thing you can do--that an taking his mother's advice. She knows her son.

 

I can guarantee you that it didn't scare him enough to check himself into detox this morning. At the end of the day, he doesn't care how he treated you--if he did, as I said, he'd be checked into detox by now.

No, what will scare him is being arraigned in a court of law for either seriously injuring you or killing you. There is nothing about you or what you will/won't do that scares him.

Don't put your life in peril by falling for thinking that your love will cure him. It won't. Love doesn't cure this. 
 

Thank you for your response. I know love can’t cure it, if it hasn’t by now then it never will. I don’t see him getting help for awhile. The times I did bring it up, he would say I was overreacting, blowing it out of proportion. That he didn’t hit me that hard.  I will be honest, there were times I bought alcohol, but never coke. I never gave him money, I would buy a 6 pack. I don’t even know why, I started to feel like if I didn’t give in then I would lose him. He would get so upset if I wouldn’t drive him to the store to buy alcohol and would sometimes threaten to leave me. I should mention that I moved away from my hometown pretty much to be with him. I have no family or close friends here. He was the closest person I had, so I felt like if I lost him I’d be lost. Which is how I feel now, so I’m moving back home. I know I am not strong enough to say no to him if I stay. I will end up back with him, why? I do not know. What hurts the most is he’s kind of acting like he doesn’t care. Saying “just do what you think is best” or “there’s no point in fighting for you because you are very clearly walking”. Like this is easy for me? I feel like I mean nothing, even though I’m so mad at him, I wish he could just show how genuinely sorry he is. I think he said sorry once, but also followed up with “be careful what you say, I’m going through this too”. Like wtf, I never hit you, said horrible things to you, or mistreated you. The one regret I have is being too nice and accommodating. 

 

[confusedn]

10 hours ago, TeddyBundy1993 said:

 

Dont fear to be alone. You ll be fine and become more strong as time goes by.  You'll build your life without him happy and peaceful. Block this garbage everywhere, dont talk so you give no chance to him to manipulate. 

Thank you. I know he manipulates me. He would make comments about my job. Saying I “lacked ambition and I needed a better job and that it wasn’t attractive I don’t make more money”, but he never had a job the whole time we were together. He was thousands in debt from credit cards. I know he is acting like he doesn’t care because he can’t admit that he is abusive. He called it “drunk stupidity”. To me, drunk stupidity means dancing on top of a table or throwing up, not punching me multiple times, calling me names, and saying you want to hurt me. 

[Ellener]

On 4/12/2020 at 3:58 PM, confusedn said:

I was desperate for

This is where you need to start, working on your self-esteem.

[kendahke]

3 hours ago, confusedn said:

I don’t see him getting help for awhile. The times I did bring it up, he would say I was overreacting, blowing it out of proportion. That he didn’t hit me that hard.  

How hard he felt he hit you isn't the issue: he had no business hitting you. At. All!!!!

Please be honest: how many times has he hit you?

He negates your feelings and perspective in order to keep you as the focus of fault and him absolving himself of any blame because "if you didn't..." or "you made me do it..."

Quote

I will be honest, there were times I bought alcohol, but never coke. I never gave him money, I would buy a 6 pack. I don’t even know why, I started to feel like if I didn’t give in then I would lose him. He would get so upset if I wouldn’t drive him to the store to buy alcohol and would sometimes threaten to leave me.

That is because you were the codependent partner to the abuser.

Does he mistreat his mother this way? I take it it's her home you two were living in?

Quote

I should mention that I moved away from my hometown pretty much to be with him. I have no family or close friends here. He was the closest person I had, so I felt like if I lost him I’d be lost. Which is how I feel now, so I’m moving back home.

Why did you leave your home and family to move in with him and his mother?

Quote

I know I am not strong enough to say no to him if I stay. I will end up back with him, why? I do not know.

Quote

I texted his mom help and she came in his room, but he pretended to be sleeping. She let me sleep in her room and told me to never see him again. 

No, you won't end up back with him--you'll be homeless in the time of coronavirus. That was her telling you that she won't be there to save you because she's already warned you to leave him be. If his own mother is telling you that, you need to strangle the voice in your head that has you convinced you can get through to him--you can't. He's not checking for you like that.

Quote

What hurts the most is he’s kind of acting like he doesn’t care. Saying “just do what you think is best” or “there’s no point in fighting for you because you are very clearly walking”. Like this is easy for me? I feel like I mean nothing, even though I’m so mad at him, I wish he could just show how genuinely sorry he is.

I'm really sorry to have to say, but he has to hit rock bottom and go through some things with you out of the picture for good before he gets anywhere near that point. Right now, he's out past the "pillars of creation" in outer space. Google how far away they are--he's beyond that.

He loves his substances way more than he is capable of even liking you at this point in his and your lives--and he doesn't believe he's got a problem.

Quote

I think he said sorry once, but also followed up with “be careful what you say, I’m going through this too”. Like wtf, I never hit you, said horrible things to you, or mistreated you. The one regret I have is being too nice and accommodating. 

I would say your one regret should be not calling the police and having him charged with assault and battery and then packing your bags and moving out--be it into your own place or back home-the first time he put his fists to your body.

I get it--you love him and thought that being a loving accommodating girlfriend was the way to go... that he would see the goodness you have in you and be able to tap into appreciation for that. That tack only works with men who do not have substance abuse issues and who have a healthy mental/psychological make up. This clown ain't that guy.

Being accommodating to an abuser is fertilizer for their contempt of you.

After you're done on google being mesmerized by the pillars of creation, look up You Are Not Crazy - The Mend Project and read through that.

[confusedn]

14 hours ago, kendahke said:

How hard he felt he hit you isn't the issue: he had no business hitting you. At. All!!!!

Please be honest: how many times has he hit you?

He negates your feelings and perspective in order to keep you as the focus of fault and him absolving himself of any blame because "if you didn't..." or "you made me do it..."

That is because you were the codependent partner to the abuser.

Does he mistreat his mother this way? I take it it's her home you two were living in?

Why did you leave your home and family to move in with him and his mother?

No, you won't end up back with him--you'll be homeless in the time of coronavirus. That was her telling you that she won't be there to save you because she's already warned you to leave him be. If his own mother is telling you that, you need to strangle the voice in your head that has you convinced you can get through to him--you can't. He's not checking for you like that.

I'm really sorry to have to say, but he has to hit rock bottom and go through some things with you out of the picture for good before he gets anywhere near that point. Right now, he's out past the "pillars of creation" in outer space. Google how far away they are--he's beyond that.

He loves his substances way more than he is capable of even liking you at this point in his and your lives--and he doesn't believe he's got a problem.

I would say your one regret should be not calling the police and having him charged with assault and battery and then packing your bags and moving out--be it into your own place or back home-the first time he put his fists to your body.

I get it--you love him and thought that being a loving accommodating girlfriend was the way to go... that he would see the goodness you have in you and be able to tap into appreciation for that. That tack only works with men who do not have substance abuse issues and who have a healthy mental/psychological make up. This clown ain't that guy.

Being accommodating to an abuser is fertilizer for their contempt of you.

After you're done on google being mesmerized by the pillars of creation, look up You Are Not Crazy - The Mend Project and read through that.

He has hit me more than 5 times. Once it made my nose ring bleed. But he tries to play it off like he’s joking or being funny, so then I get in my head like “well he didn’t hit me after he called me a bad name or during a fight so I guess I believe him”.  
 

I have my own place to start, we were quarantine together, but I pay for my own apartment so luckily I am there now. I am moving back home with my family at the end of the month for support. 
 

I was reflecting the other day and I realize that I have a lot to work on. He took advantage of me, sexually. I will be honest, I do like it rough at times and a little slap to the face during sex. There is nothing wrong with that. But one of the last times we had sex, he hit me so hard my ear was ringing. I asked him to please not hit me again and he kept doing it. I also told him maybe we should take a break and it was like he wasn’t even in there. He just kept getting on top of me and I said no, but then I just took it. Afterwards, I cried and said I didn’t like it when he acted that way and was really rough with me, and he turned it on me saying I liked it. 

[stillafool]

2 minutes ago, confusedn said:

I am moving back home with my family at the end of the month for support. 

Thank goodness you are going home to your family.  Is he going to leave your apartment while you're away?

[confusedn]

5 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Thank goodness you are going home to your family.  Is he going to leave your apartment while you're away?

He never lived with me. He lives at home with his parents. I was just staying there due to quarantine. 

[stillafool]

Oh so you still have your apartment that is empty to return to.  Then why are you waiting until the end of the month to move on?

[preraph]

Look, I know because you're emotionally embroiled that it's hard for you to see this objectively -- but NO ONE would stay with this guy.  His behavior is criminal.  He should be sitting in jail right now for domestic abuse and everything else.  I am just glad you have a home to go home to.  Do not see him again.  Drinking isn't what makes him disrespectful and violent.  He's been disrespectful from day 1 the way he treated you in this relationship.  He's violent because he's violent, not because he drinks.  Everything would not be okay if he stopped drinking and doing drugs.  

 

Just get out and block him once you have whatever stuff you need from there.  Don't go there when he's there.  If he's always there because he doesn't even work, then take a man with you who can take him on if needed and get your stuff out.  A brother, your dad, whatever.  He may well go off again.  But try to just get your stuff when he's not there.  Then block him on everything, social media, your phone.  You don't want him to ever contact you because he WILL try to play you.  

[confusedn]

1 minute ago, stillafool said:

Oh so you still have your apartment that is empty to return to.  Then why are you waiting until the end of the month to move on?

I have a full time job as a nurse and I want to leave on good terms. 

[stillafool]

Oh I see.  Thank you for your service BTW.  I can imagine with the long hours you work you don't need the additional stress he is bringing.

[confusedn]

5 minutes ago, preraph said:

Look, I know because you're emotionally embroiled that it's hard for you to see this objectively -- but NO ONE would stay with this guy.  His behavior is criminal.  He should be sitting in jail right now for domestic abuse and everything else.  I am just glad you have a home to go home to.  Do not see him again.  Drinking isn't what makes him disrespectful and violent.  He's been disrespectful from day 1 the way he treated you in this relationship.  He's violent because he's violent, not because he drinks.  Everything would not be okay if he stopped drinking and doing drugs.  

 

Just get out and block him once you have whatever stuff you need from there.  Don't go there when he's there.  If he's always there because he doesn't even work, then take a man with you who can take him on if needed and get your stuff out.  A brother, your dad, whatever.  He may well go off again.  But try to just get your stuff when he's not there.  Then block him on everything, social media, your phone.  You don't want him to ever contact you because he WILL try to play you.  

I know I’m doing the right thing. It is just very painful as I considered him my best friend and I feel like I put so much in. I was also starting to open up more sexually and emotionally, which is very hard for me. My one relationship before this was also very emotionally abusive. It is very painful to feel like if I was prettier, or skinnier, or more attentive that I wouldn’t have been treated that way. I know it’s obviously a warped view of thinking because no one deserves to be treated that way. But I am left feeling like I wasn’t enough. I have a lot I need to work on in therapy, which my mom has set me up with already. I am just thankful I have a good family that I can lean on. 

[preraph]

Yes, the longer you stay with abusive men, the less self-esteem you will have.  You have to also understand that the fact that he is just now opening up to you more emotionally -- well, THIS is what's in there, and it's not good.  This is what he's been hiding.  This is him being open emotionally, and it's an ugly place in there, so ugly is what is now coming out of him.  He has some real issues with women and probably low self-esteem.  

 

And I want you to understand one thing about his self-esteem.  One reason he wants a "hot" kind of trophy girlfriend is because that's how guys with low self-esteem validate themselves and it makes them feel better temporarily if other people see a pretty woman on their arm, and they imagine that other people are thinking, Wow, he must be some winner of a guy, what a stud.  They USE you as a crutch to their ego.  And the problem with that is it does tie into abuse, as well, because when you go, you take what little there is of his self-esteem with you, and you can expect that to get ugly.  It already has just because I think he saw this coming.  So him thinking you need physical "improvement" is just a giant flashing sign for how low his self-worth is that he needs to borrow someone else to prop him up.  

 

He is broken, and you can't fix him.  Do get into therapy and realize he made you feel bad because that is exactly what abusers do.  It's not YOU.  But you do need to stop letting them in and find out why you do.  

 

Keep us up to date, good luck.

[kendahke]

On 4/13/2020 at 11:09 PM, kendahke said:

look up You Are Not Crazy - The Mend Project and read through that.

OP--have you taken a look at this yet?

[spiderowl]

I'm so sorry he has treated you like this.  You do not deserve it; you need a guy who respects you and treats you with love and kindness.

He will play down what he has done to you and make excuses or try to deny that it was as hard/unpleasant as you say.  That's how he gets round you, by denying your view of what happened.  It's classic abuser behaviour - don't fall for it!  Please look up the 'cycle of abuse' if you are not already aware of it.

His mum was warning you because she knows he is not going to change.  It must be a nightmare for her too.

He is a controlling, drug-addicted, abuser.  You could have had him arrested but you didn't.  People don't get arrested for treating their partners well.

I am glad you are moving out.  I do think you should seek counselling for yourself because otherwise you could end up in this situation again.  You obviously let this guy step over boundaries time and time again because you loved him and wanted it to work. That just teaches him that he can abuse you and you will not do anything about it.  Would you let a dog keep biting your ankle for the fun of it?

You are a nurse, doing such an important job.  You are a professional.  This guy who has achieved nothing is really not at your level.  Please leave him where he has chosen to be and care for yourself. 

 

Edited April 20, 2020 by spiderowl