Should I offer to be friends with an otherwise good match that has kids or just unmatch her?

[max3732]

I just got off the phone with someone I met online and she checked almost all the boxes... values, interests, education, looks, sense of humor, etc. Where I live it's really hard to find someone on the same page as me politically and she was very upfront that she's of the same party and asked me where I stood.

Here are the downside though... she's been divorced twice. On top of that she has a few children. The dating app gives you a place to put if you have children and she left it blank. Had I known about it I wouldn't have messaged her.

This has happened to me before and the last woman I told I didn't want to date because she had kids sent me a nasty letter telling me off.

What makes it awkward too is that we were talking about some of my interests and she kept saying we should meet to do that when this quarantine is over and she asked where I like to go and she said she knows it well and will love to see me there. I just couldn't get myself to say "that won't work because you have kids and I don't want to date someone who already has kids since I want to start my own family from scratch"

So would it be ok to figure out a way to say that more diplomatically and see if she still wants to meet at friends? I don't have many female friends and having someone on the same page politically to talk to and with so many common interests would be great.

[basil67]

Why not be a bit flexible and date her?   You may find that things slot into place perfectly.   Or not.  But nothing ventured - nothing gained.

[Cookiesandough]

I will say the same thing I say to women who keep interested men as orbiters because they need more friends and like the attention: no. Imo, it unethical to keep someone around for your own selfish reasons, even if they’re willing to do it because they’re romantically interested  

 

[preraph]

If she has a bunch of kids she doesn't even have time for just a friend can you would only get in the way of her finding a partner she needs to help her with her family.  You should just fade away and she should know why since she wasn't honest. 

[max3732]

1 hour ago, Cookiesandough said:

I will say the same thing I say to women who keep interested men as orbiters because they need more friends and like the attention: no. Imo, it unethical to keep someone around for your own selfish reasons, even if they’re willing to do it because they’re romantically interested  

 

I wouldn't want to mislead her into thinking I'd be romantically involved. Maybe over text say that I don't think we're a romantic match, but I'd love to be your friend and hang out.

[Juha]

 

Lots of kids and divorced twice.  I would say you would be doing yourself a solid by not dating this woman..

 

 

[basil67]

11 hours ago, max3732 said:

I wouldn't want to mislead her into thinking I'd be romantically involved. Maybe over text say that I don't think we're a romantic match, but I'd love to be your friend and hang out.

She’s not looking for a friend, she’s looking for a date.  If she’s not good enough to date, then move along.  

[chillii]

Just wondering, do you have it on your page too that your not interested , or however you'd put it, in women with kids,

As for her , if you think she'd make a good friend you could always tell her that you'd only be interested in friendship, she might be ok with that herself too , or she might send you packing, but either way you've been honest.

[max3732]

37 minutes ago, chillii said:

Just wondering, do you have it on your page too that your not interested , or however you'd put it, in women with kids,

As for her , if you think she'd make a good friend you could always tell her that you'd only be interested in friendship, she might be ok with that herself too , or she might send you packing, but either way you've been honest.

There's not really a place to put it in my page. The app just has you answer a few questions and put some pictures up as well as bio information. I wish women would fill out the whole profile so I could move on from ones that already have kids.

Guess there's no harm is telling her I'd only be interested in friendship. We'll see what happens.

[Blind-Sided]

Yep... be honest.  Now... I know you say there's no where for you to put it in your profile... but there has to be an "Additional Comments" kind of place to put... "Not interested in someone with kids.

Max... how old are you? I know you want to start a family of your own... but if you aren't in your 20's... that may be a hard thing to do. I know the majority of the single women I've met that were in their 30's, and didn't already have a kid, were not interested in having kids at that point. (only one out of 4 was interested)  Basically... one was career driven, and the other 2 wanted their life the way it was, so they could do what they wanted, and/or be able to travel.  They were OK with my kids, because they knew my exW would have them once in a while.

Now... to just play devil's advocate... if you are +30 years old... isn't it a little selfish to say... "I want kids... but I don't want your kids" to a woman?

Edited April 13, 2020 by Blind-Sided

[d0nnivain]

Nobody on a dating app wants to be just friends.  She doesn't want to hear about the women you are dating.  Any man she dates will be annoyed by your presence.  

If the kids are a deal breaker for you, they are a deal breaker.  Just move along.  

[Lotsgoingon]

Sounds like you are a gentle spirit, which is great, but you do not have to apologize for not wanting to date someone with kids. You said it here: you want to start your own family. Remember, when it comes to dating, the way to be a good person, is to be honest and direct. So the other person isn't being strung along with a wrong impression of what's going on.

You can state your position positively. Negative would be, I don't want to date you because you have kids (that might feel too harsh to you.  Positive (same point) would be I enjoyed talking to you. I want to start my own family, and so I want to date someone who does not have kids. 

Your statement is the same thing we say when we meet someone on a date and we don't feel any chemistry. You later say it was good to meet you, but I didn't feel chemistry and I don't think we have any future. If you don't feel comfortable with kids, then things will not work! So, you say that. And remember: misleading others is what is not good. We waste their time, we give them an incorrect sense of what's going on. The quicker we tell people we're not interested, the kinder we are. They can move on. 

[elaine567]

37 minutes ago, Blind-Sided said:

Max... how old are you? I

On 2/17/2020 at 8:09 PM, max3732 said:

Now that I'm approaching 40..

[elaine567]

Few women with kids on a dating site are looking for a "friend" to discuss politics and other stuff with.
They are looking for a man to be their bf, and  eventually to provide and be a "father" to their kids...
You may be a bit lonely and need a friend but there are lots of places online to discuss politics and cultivate friends...a dating site is not that place.
As you are of an age where the women in your age group will commonly have kids then you need to definitely find a space on your profile to say women with kids are not welcome...

[Emilie Jolie]

17 hours ago, max3732 said:

I just couldn't get myself to say "that won't work because you have kids and I don't want to date someone who already has kids since I want to start my own family from scratch"

Take a deep breath, say 'I'm sorry I don't think it'll work out because we are at different stages in our lives, but I wish you every luck, it's been nice getting to know you' and move on. Promise she'll survive it :).

Don't pity friendship her because you can't bring yourself to telling her you're not interested.

[elaine567]

14 minutes ago, Emilie Jolie said:

Don't pity friendship her because you can't bring yourself to telling her you're not interested.

18 hours ago, max3732 said:

I don't have many female friends and having someone on the same page politically to talk to and with so many common interests would be great.

I don't think he is offering "pity friendship".
I am just not sure that a woman who is in effect being rejected would be pleased about being "friendzoned".
She may agree, but I would not be expecting her to contact him for girly chats any time soon.

[salparadise]

1 hour ago, Blind-Sided said:

Now... to just play devil's advocate... if you are +30 years old... isn't it a little selfish to say... "I want kids... but I don't want your kids" to a woman?

No, I don't think so. Of course, I wouldn't phrase it that way, but there is no implied fairness principle. If he doesn't want to raise another man's kids he has a right to that preference. What would be unfair is to date her or string her along, wasting everyone's time, while knowing that he's not actually interested (assuming she's looking for a partner).

I will say though, if he's about to hit 40 then he's at a tough place for finding someone near his age who doesn't have kids already but wants them. I think if it were me the number of kids would be a big factor... one or two, maybe. But if she had say, four or five, nope. I think it's good that he knows what he wants and isn't being wishy-washy about it.

[Emilie Jolie]

33 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

I don't think he is offering "pity friendship".
 

To me friendzoning  is offering friendship to someone you've actually rejected. Here Max says he can't even bring himself to telling her he's not interested; awfully sounds like pity to me, with a dose of rationalisation. 

It's never nice to tell someone you're not interested, especially if you feel you have stuff in common. Even if he does want a friendship out of it, he will still need to let her know he has no romantic intentions towards her. 

Edited April 13, 2020 by Emilie Jolie

[salparadise]

51 minutes ago, Emilie Jolie said:

It's never nice to tell someone you're not interested, especially if you feel you have stuff in common. Even if he does want a friendship out of it, he will still need to let her know he has no romantic intentions towards her. 

Well, never easy anyway. Being honest is nice, but brutally honest probably is not.

Max, how much deep consideration have you given this? I know you've given it some... but, if you found an absolutely amazing woman who loved you and you loved her, would a kid or two still be an automatic dealbreaker? I think that at your age you might want to try and be a little bit flexible, which would greatly improve the odds.

I'm quite a bit older, dating women in their 50s, and it's still hard to find women who don't have kids living at home. I used to think that i just didn't want to deal with kids, but I've softened on it quite a bit. It's hard enough to find people I click with at all, without adding a bunch of circumstantial factors. The big factor is whether the father is in the picture and sharing custody. If so, then she'll have free time. I think you should give it another bit of thought and decide how important this is in the grand scheme... as opposed to defaulting to a B&W decision tree. Of course, if you're absolutely certain, then it is what it is.

 

Edited April 13, 2020 by salparadise

[Blind-Sided]

52 minutes ago, salparadise said:

....I will say though, if he's about to hit 40 then he's at a tough place for finding someone near his age who doesn't have kids already but wants them. I think if it were me the number of kids would be a big factor... one or two, maybe. But if she had say, four or five, nope. I think it's good that he knows what he wants and isn't being wishy-washy about it.

I agree.  I know one of the very first women I was introduced to after my divorce was a nice lady, and had a kid with her.  This was at a Bday party for my neighbor's kid.  I also had my youngest kid with me.  We talked for a while, and she seemed OVERLY anxious to talk with me when our friend said I was recently divorced. BUT... when I found out she had 4 kids... I really backed off.

[Emilie Jolie]

8 minutes ago, salparadise said:

Well, never easy anyway. Being honest is nice, but brutally honest probably is not.

Not nice as in not pleasant, yes obviously. Still , necessary.

 

As for dating people with kids, my partner is divorced father. Really not number 1 on my list originally, but he's a great guy, a great father, his boys are good young men and I wouldn't change a thing now.

But if Max wants to give himself the opportunity to find a child-free never married partner first though, that's up to him. Either way, he needs to tell this woman he's not interested if he's not.

Edited April 13, 2020 by Emilie Jolie

[Blind-Sided]

4 minutes ago, Emilie Jolie said:

...As for dating people with kids, my partner is divorced father. Really not number 1 on my list originally, but he's a great guy, a great father, his boys are good young men and I wouldn't change a thing now.

Agreed.

The girl I'm starting to see now... she is young, and doesn't want kids.  She also said she wasn't looking to date anyone with kids... but she saw who I was, (got a lot of info from our common friend) and she saw that my girls are very well behaved... and she just decided she liked the entire package.

So Max... maybe give her a chance.  She may be that 1 in a million girl, and the kids won't matter.

Edited April 13, 2020 by Blind-Sided

[SumGuy]

I'd be upfront with her about where you are in life and what the relationship you are looking for and that you see a mismatch here.

I would however consider the friendship part...a good friend can be hard to find.  You wouldn't be wasting anyone's time any more than spending time with you other friends waste your dating time.  Just take her gender out of it, would you have fun talking with her if a guy?  If so, then why not.   View her like you view your other female friends.

There is also the up side, you may not be for each other but may be able to set each other up.  

Not that this is easy, and people often slip into it needs to be a non-platonic dynamic.  If you can keep it platonic it can be very good.

[max3732]

1 hour ago, Blind-Sided said:

Agreed.

The girl I'm starting to see now... she is young, and doesn't want kids.  She also said she wasn't looking to date anyone with kids... but she saw who I was, (got a lot of info from our common friend) and she saw that my girls are very well behaved... and she just decided she liked the entire package.

So Max... maybe give her a chance.  She may be that 1 in a million girl, and the kids won't matter.

 

She's the exact same age as me, which I think is great. Some other factors are that she's been divorced twice, is from Europe and has an accent I had a bit of trouble understanding, and she's taller than me. T

The fact she's been divorced twice before turning 40 kind of makes me wonder if she was the problem. I don't want to get in trouble, that's my first reaction. The accent I figure I'd get used to eventually and she did say she's a US citizen so that shouldn't be a huge deal. With her height the last woman I dated and kissed was quite a bit shorter and I had some trouble adjusting to that at first, but I've never dated or been friends with a woman taller than me. She's 6 feet tall according to her profile and from her pictures I don't doubt that. I don't have anything for or against a taller woman other than I know it's unusual so I wanted to see if I felt awkward of not when I was with her in person.

So I'm fairly sure I'm going to send her a text explaining that I really enjoyed talking to her on the phone and think we have a lot in common, but that I don't think it will work for a relationship. Then make the offer to meet up for what she wanted to do as friends. If she tells me off or blocks me I can take it. If not maybe I'll have a good friend.

 

[max3732]

1 hour ago, salparadise said:

Well, never easy anyway. Being honest is nice, but brutally honest probably is not.

Max, how much deep consideration have you given this? I know you've given it some... but, if you found an absolutely amazing woman who loved you and you loved her, would a kid or two still be an automatic dealbreaker? I think that at your age you might want to try and be a little bit flexible, which would greatly improve the odds.

I'm quite a bit older, dating women in their 50s, and it's still hard to find women who don't have kids living at home. I used to think that i just didn't want to deal with kids, but I've softened on it quite a bit. It's hard enough to find people I click with at all, without adding a bunch of circumstantial factors. The big factor is whether the father is in the picture and sharing custody. If so, then she'll have free time. I think you should give it another bit of thought and decide how important this is in the grand scheme... as opposed to defaulting to a B&W decision tree. Of course, if you're absolutely certain, then it is what it is.

 

I've given this quite a bit of thought. Having a family is extremely important to me and even if her kids are great I'm terrified of the ex-husband and all the potential drama there. Plus I don't know how to relate to someone who is my girlfriend/wife's child, but isn't mine. I just isn't what I want in a family situation.

There are other factors I've compromised on over the years, but this isn't one I'm ready to compromise on yet.